To send child home from play date....

[ss2011]

My son had a friend around to play yesterday and I ended up ringing the Mum and asking her to pick up her son because he had written rude words in felt tip on the wall in my daughters room and the same all over her pillow...... I was pretty cross when I saw it but managed not to shout, though did speak very sternly to my son and to his friend about how unnacceptable and upsetting this was and then told his friend that he would have to go straight home. I tried to make it clear I was just as cross with my son (who did say he tried to stop his friend but he clearly did not try that hard...), but I also did tell the other Mum that it was definitely her son’s writing (which it was). Have been feeling guilty since that I overreacted....I still think it’s very bad behaviour (the writing won’t come off...), especially as I had told them not to go into my daughters room but to play in my son’s room, but I was having a cup of tea downstairs and not watching them when it happened, and I forgot at the time that my son’s friend is young for his year (9 months younger than my DS) so is still only 5. Plus the other Mum was on her own with her two boys yesterday and I am sure would have appreciated the break , which I ended up cutting really short....I really like her and she has done my childcare favours in the past too , so am feeling bad about this.....
What would you have done? and also, how would you try and make sure your son was a bit more forceful in stopping something like this in the future ...it really upsets me that he let his friend do this to his sister and it worries me that if his friend was being unkind to someone at school (for example) that he might just join in and not try and stop that either. I know I am loading a lot on him for a six year old, but really want to think he would take some responsibility......

Yanbu that was unacceptable, however I think I would have gotten them a bowl of soap and water and get them to wash it off with your supervision, and told the friend that if it happens again, you will call his mum to come and collect him. Some 5 years olds can write very well, some are still learning.

@puzzledlady I'd be concerned if my 5/6 year old couldn't spell bum.

And I agree that children of this age should be able to be left for 10-15 mins unsupervised if boundaries have been laid out. They are not toddlers. Children gain independence and responsibility incrementally. The whole thing if a play date is a little but if growing independence. Yes they need checking on regularly and might need direction in activity and might do some activity with adults, but a bit of time of 2 children in a room together is a key part of what a play date is about. They have to learn to carry out a bit of self regulation, in the same way they have to learn to spend a bit of time in a room alone or with siblings at home. Not allowing this or giving them a chance to do it may lead to a lack of experience of it which then leads to unacceptable behaviour. Practice is needed. It's needed at home first and then it's needed in small steps in social situations. This age absolutely can be expected to have 10 minutes without an adult in the room. They absolutley can be expected to know some basic things such as you don't will fully damage. They should know that if they will fully damage there will be consequences - it is very different to causing accidental damage which is pretty common on play dates and still disappointing but part of small children together and a lack of judgement on their part.

I think you handled it perfectly. And year 1 children should not need to be constantly supervised - although for this particular child with form - I would in future.
And work on educating your son to come to you or another responsible person in future. No they shouldn't be responsible for friends actions however they shouldn't just do nothing.

I would also be curious about why they went in your daughters room and targeted her. Is your son jealous of the new bedroom? Did he encourage the vandalism or just not say anything to stop it. Do your children generally get on?

WhT?!?! 5 and this child already knows how to spell rude words?! shock yanbu.

Bum and poo are easily soundoutable... and about as rude as most 5 year olds get.

You did the right thing

Hilarious that some think they should be constantly supervised at that age.
In a safe environment year 1 children do not need and do not get constant helicoptering at school so why should they have it at home or at a friends home?
If anything, my kids are better behaved at friend's houses.

At school we wouldn't be able to teach anything if we had to constantly supervise every single individual every minute of the day - and in my situation that's 2 adults to 30 kids. Some classes are 1 adult to 30.

It’s partly because I have a lot of experience with children, including teaching them, that I’m aware that they don’t all have the same rules and boundaries in their lives,or the same responses to a situation.
Fine to expect your child to cope, the dozens of posters who have said so. Not safe to assume another child you don’t really know yet to have the same ability. I do think the OP handled he fallout very well.

Sounds appropriate and totally fine.

I haven't read every post but would have been equally upset by what happened. Thinking back (& that didn't happen but equivalent occasionally), I would have spoken strongly to the child but not grassed him up to his parents.

Cutting short the play date was a very good idea.

It sends a sensible message to both the hosting child and their guest: bad behaviour / breaking rules = no special playdate. It doesn't matter which child was responsible. The message can be a deterrent or a penalty.

Friends and I apply this rule and have cut short playdates on more than one occasion. We check with each other that the change of plan is feasible. If it were not feasible we would separate the children so that they get more or less the same message. The children generally have warnings; but in circumstances like yours we would impose immediately.

If the other DM doesn't agree that her child should be told off in that manner, there is still the point that your child, as host, benefitted from the message for future playdates.

I’m in awe of your chutzpah ss2011! You did the right thing.

You did the right thing OP

Have you tried hairspray on the walls? Spray it on for few seconds then dab it off with kitchen roll?

Astonish might work on the walls.

I would be very surprised and disappointed if my 2.5 yr old was writing on walls. She has free accesses to pens.

She's a toddler. They make mistakes.

You did the right thing OP. One of my children was sent home a few times from playdates before the age of 7 and I was mortified each time. In each case I was perfectly happy the other parent had made the right call.

They are 5 years old!! You were right to tell them off and send them home but your child is not old enough to do what your expecting.

YANBU

Sending the other child home was the right course of action. Bad actions have consequences. The other mother doesn't have a leg to stand on in regards being negative towards you. I'd be absolutely livid in your shoes, and completely mortified and apologetic in her place.

I've had more 5-6 year olds in my home over the years than I care to remember (and my own DC had been to numerous houses at that age). Of all the things I had to consider during these times, the fact they might draw on walls was not one of them.

You don't work with children, do you?

What makes you think that?

In a classroom, every single child in the room will have ample opportunity to do this sort of thing several times over during the day because it is simply impossible for one person (two if you're lucky enough to have a Teaching Assistant) to actively supervise every single child at all times.

I agree that children have ample opportunity to misbehave or get into mischief at school

The reason children at school behave themselves is because they learn and understand the rules and consequences.

First of all "the majority" (by no means all) of children behave at school because they are actively engaged in other things and are, for the most part, supervised or at least have one or more adult in the room. An adult presence, even if not actively supervising, is usually enough to stop most children doing anything too awful. And secondly, lots of children behave badly at home, or get into mischief, precisely because they do have periods of time without an adult presence, which gives them far more scope to egg each other on into trouble. I didn't say they have to be watched every second but a level of supervision is required especially when you don't know the child that you have invited round very well.

Those that don't have the in school equivalent of having their play date cut short (e.g. sent to HT/miss breaktime).
I agreed that the op did the right thing by cutting the play date short and explaining exactly why to both parent and child. However, that does not mean it won't happen again, even if it's a different child who comes over. Children are impulsive, unpredictable and curious and there is so much scope for mischief, trouble, accidents. You cannot really police it all the time but by being realistic with expectations, giving clear instructions and not expecting a 6 yr old to be able to read and take charge of a situation, you can be more aware.

And, just for the record, I have worked with children for 40 yrs, mostly under the age of 10. In a variety of settings, hospitals, primary schools, private homes, children's homes, private nurseries, social services nurseries and in my own home. All children are different, and yet they are all the same. The children 40yrs ago got into the same scrapes and mischief as children do today. You simply cannot say "all 5/6 yr olds wouldn't. [whatever] ....." because some will, and always have.

you were right to send him home and well done for keeping your cool.

if i was his mother i would be mortified about it all and would be round with a bottle of wine, I'm surprised she isnt?

Your reaction was spot on. Could you text the other mum just to say "lol what are kids like. Hope you didn't mind too much that I sent him home but it was that or beat the little fucker I wanted them both to realise they'd been naughty"

Ps my ds wrote fuck on the school white board age 5. Proud parenting moment that was - he even spelt it correctly...🙈