I'm soon to be 40 and have been married 10 years. No DC, 1 cat. My DH and I haven't had sex in 5. He wants to, I don't. The reason I don't want to is because I resent him for hundreds of little things that have happened in our relationship. Stupid, petty things, like me asking him to do something (e.g.put laundry away) and him saying he will, later, then never doing it. He's always preferred an easy life, always been the more laid back one, whilst I've always been the one who keeps things running, who ensures the cat is flead, the hotel is booked in time before it gets super expensive, MOT is booked in etc. He leaves things until last minute and then does a bad job, not because he can't do things properly but because he's essentially a bit lazy. We have had the same argument 1000s of times:
Me: 'please do this'. Him: 'in a bit'. Me, days later: 'why haven't you done it'. Him: some sort of excuse. Me getting angry and/or upset. It always ends in him apologising and promising to do better.
It's gotten to the point that I don't trust him at all anymore and I've said some truly hurtful things to him (name calling), because I've lost respect. He gets angry because I don't trust him. He also gaslights me. Minor gaslighting tbh but he'll claim I never asked him to do something, or that he told me he would do it - insert day - and that I must have misheard him etc. All lies to cover his back. He will always eventually admit he lied, after me insisting he stops gaslighting me. But by that point we've had a massive argument and we're both upset. We argue daily.
He's not a bad man and I often wonder if I were more easy-going we could have a great marriage. And he has actually improved a lot since we first met. We do housework 50-50 now (though I am still the manager and he always asks me what needs doing rather than do things off his own bat). He very rarely takes initiative. I feel like I don't respect him anymore, that I am the only adult in this relationship. I keep thinking if I only could have sex with him May be we could work things out. But, much as I like him and he is a great friend (we have the same sense of humour and want the same things out of life) the thought of sleeping with imo a manchild fills me with disgust.
I have brought up divorce a number of times but he won't hear of it. He says we can fix this and that we can't throw what we have away. But aren't we too young to stay in a sexless marriage? He's not happy because he has a wife with an incredibly sharp tongue and I'm not happy because I feel there is no going back.
I am terrified of leaving and realising I've made a terrible mistake. I am terrified of going through life (and dying!) on my own (practically no family left and friends are scattered across UK). What's to say the same won't happen again if I do find someone else (in my 40s which I'm sure is hard enough). And maybe it's me, maybe I'm too much of a perfectionist, too controlling, and if only I could let go a bit, things would be ok, eventually?
Do I stay or do I go?