I can’t cope anymore (sleep or lack of)

[NotCopingWithThis]

This is probably going to be long and rambling but please bear with me.

My son is 4 months. We are in the depths of sleep regression and have been for about a month. Every time I think things are improving for a couple of nights it gets worse again. He gets tired and wants to be in bed at about 7 but then wakes every 30-90 minutes until 10/11 ish and then 1-2 hourly thereafter. On good nights we might manage a 4 hour chunk but I’m not managing to sleep through it because of all the other wakings I just feel stressed and tense and lie awake worrying. He doesn’t even feed for that long but the constant waking has taken its toll on me. We’re up for the day about 7. I am miserable and not coping at all.

Please don’t tell me this is normal. I know it’s bloody normal but I can’t do it any more. I’m exhausted and my mental health is declining. The only way I can get him back to sleep is feeding so I am solely responsible for this. My husband does everything he can but there is only so much he can actually do. It’s all very well saying ‘sleep when he sleeps’ but his daytime naps last 30-40 minutes unless I lie next to him and feed him to sleep between sleep cycles. I try to get him to have three naps - two short (30-60 mins) and one long (1.5-2.5 hours) in the middle and he’s generally okay at these.

He is in a co-sleeping cot (full size cot) next to me in bed. He bedshares for part of the night most nights but because I am so shattered I don’t feel particularly safe doing it and lie awake worrying. He is also a very big boy and I just find the whole experience really uncomfortable and can’t get comfy.

I’m absolutely at the end of my tether. He won’t take a bottle so I can’t spend more than 2 hours away from him and get any kind of proper rest. I’m starting to consider trying formula at bedtime which is ridiculous because he won’t even take expressed milk but at least I wouldn’t have to try to find time to express (when do you actually do it?!) and it might make him sleep - I’m aware that there are no guarantees, I just don’t know what to do. I desperately wanted to get to 6 months EBF but I just feel like it’s all too much. The responsibility is crushing me.

What do I do?

Big hugs. My baby is 4 months too. She's been wakening up a lot again and being a nightmare to put down. I'm bottle feeding and I've got her in her own room since she was 11 weeks. Best thing I done. Not to everyone's taste but I'm following Gina Fords books. Not word by word but I follow her routines. Really hope you can find a way to get some rest. X

Have you thought about weaning as baby may be hungry. After 17 weeks is ok to start trying.

Weaning before six months 'may help breastfed babies' www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-12180052

Is he waking a lot and seeming upset? I only ask, because my son at four months developed silent reflux and woke with a scream every hour, all night long, for about six weeks until we figured why, and then had him slightly propped from that moment on and he slept much better.

I feel so much for you, though. Some people tend to solider on with pitiful sleep, but I’m right there with you—bad sleep or a complete lack of—has me on my knees.

Firstly in view of PP’s ‘advice’, I just want to point out the safe sleeping guidelines and waning guidelines are 6 months for a very good reason. One thing that really helped us was something that the nurses showed me when we had a stay in special care. It sounds silly but instead of a feed, leave them in the bedside cot and do a slow, rhythmic pat on their chest - about the same strength as if you were patting a dog - at a speed of maybe 1 per second. It reminds them of when they were next to your heartbeat and can lull them back to sleep again. Also, it’s potentially worth investing in a myhummy. Can you express? If so, I would suggest you go to bed at 8, leaving some expressed milk in the fridge, and your DH can do the 8-12 shift, that way at least you are going into the night with a solid 4hrs under your belt. In terms of bottles, the MAM ones are good for BF babies - they are designed to feel most like being breastfed apparently.

I know it’s conpletey soul destroying but it will get better, I promise.

I don't have amy particular tips but just all the sympathy. There is no easy answer or magic solution. I hated people telling me it would get better as I needed it to get better now because I couldn't manage and it was affecting everything.

If I were to do it again, I would seek help earlier for what was obviously more than just exhaustion.

Accept this is a physical change to your baby, routines, napping etc will only make so much difference.

I was lucky that my baby would take a bottle, have you tried just going for a walk when a feed is due or making sure their not starving so getting frustrated?

Weaning made zero difference abd the advice is clear mot to introduce food until 6 months. Weaning made zero difference to my baby and in fact he woke up with gas etc.

Most of all be kind to yourself. This isn't anything you've done and it's not your fault. You will get there.

He has no interest in bottles or dummies. I don’t even know when I would express tbh and my milk supply has settled down now so that I wouldn’t be able to express a whole feed in one go I don’t think. DH will take him in the day so I can try to sleep but I will still have to feed every couple of hours. I won’t get the big chunk of sleep I’m desperately craving.

I just feel like a shitty mum because I don’t even feel anything when he cries. I could quite easily just walk downstairs and leave him there screaming. I shouldn’t feel like taht should I? I love him so much it makes me cry but I just have no patience left.

He’s been asleep for about an hour and a half and I haven’t even managed to get to sleep. I am wide awake and feeling near suicidal tbh.

I should be able to cope better than this.

@stopgap He does wake up squealing but then feeds lying down and goes back to sleep quite easily so reflux seems unlikely. He’s a fairly sicky baby but he doesn’t seem all that bothered by it.

It sounds like you could have postnatal anxiety and/or depression.
When I had it one of the big symptoms was being unable to sleep when baby slept.
Could your talk to your DP and get to the doctors?

And coping, there’s no ‘should’ about it. Sleep deprivation is torture. You are allowed to hate it.

Have you thought about phoning the Samaritans? I called them a couple of times when baby had me on my knees. They listened and I just let it all out.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/samaritans-free-call-helpline-number-faqs

Keep posting here too, there’s always someone around x

4 months is awful. I have no advice but wanted to say I remember clearly how sleep deprived I was and all you can do is take each day one minute at a time (or ask for help unlike me because I'm Scottish/stubborn/incapable of asking for help). It's true what people say, it gets better at 6 months and every month after that - so you're 2/3rds of the way there. But ask for help if you can (massive hugs) - oh one bit of advice, I paid a babysitter to come and cuddle my baby for a couple of hours a week which saved my sanity!

Sleep deprivation is the worst, honestly. Your post does sound like you are struggling though, have you considered whether you might have pnd? It might be worth a trip to the gp to have a chat about it.

Sorry if this is out of turn.

I have a GP appointment on Tuesday and have self-referred for counselling already - have a telephone assessment on Monday. I feel stupid though because it’s 90% just exhaustion and what good is talking thereapy going to do?

I’m still exercising and I know people are thinking ‘how tired can you be if you’ve just been for a run’ but physically I seem okay and I desperately need the endorphins at the moment.

That’s great that you’ve got an appt and the phone counselling lined up. There’s no shame in PNA/D, so many people go through it
Running sounds like a good idea to me, the endorphins will help. Plus it’s time to yourself without baby.

Hopefully the talking therapy will help you cope with the lack of sleep better. I found it made a difference to my attitude to the situation, even though it didn’t change the situation. If that makes sense.
Do you have friends you could talk to honestly about how shit babies and sleep is?

It sounds like your not being able to get to sleep because you are worrying about not sleeping is a big part of the problem. The book The effortless sleep method really helped me when I had the same thing (young baby and insomnia)

I had this with my first and have it to some extent now with my second.
Good news is it settled right down by about 7 months....
With my first I nearly went insane though... like you I found it difficult to sleep when he slept because I was constantly worried about him waking up again.. it was a vicious cycle and I got very anxious,the less i slept the, more my mental health deteriorated I ended up with pnd... in the end I went to my go and got put on a low dose of amitriptyline (it's usually prescribed as a nerve painkiller now days not an antidepressant but I was given it as it makes you drowsy and does not get in breastmilk and can also be useful as an antidepressant... people are often prescribed it for sleep issues).. 10mg before bed and it worked amazingly. Made me drowsy enough to just lie and doze but did not knock me out totally so I could still feed the baby next to me when he woke. As soon as I started getting better stretches of sleep my mental state improved a vast amount.
It is only a phase but it's one you have to get through in tact and that is no easy feat....

I'd suggest also that you get your partner to take the baby out for two hours during the day sometimes es so you can try and have a nap... I know you say he wont take a bottle but a baby that age should be fine between feeds for 2 hours... he may cry but it wont actually harm him to go that long once in a while and your partner may be able to distract him to settle him or even get him to take some of a bottle if he is out with him who knows, it's worth a go. I personally would not bother expressing if it's only the odd bottle as it wont effect your supply if it's just the odd bottle here and there rather than part of a routine. Your priority is resting which you cant do if that time is eaten into by expressing.

I know from experience that this is such a hard time to go through. Hope it starts to get better soon for you. X

Oh and to add I'm currently on amitriptyline which I've been on since the birth of my second 5 months ago. I just started taking straight away from the birth as I didnt want a repeat of last time. It's been great and I haven't had the same sleep issues as I had with my son even though my daughter doesn't really sleep much better it has not affected me badly this time, I'm able to drop back off to sleep when I need to very easily.

My DS1 was like this and I had to sleep train him when he was 3 and a half months old. They learn how to fall asleep at this age and it sounds like your DS has learned to feed to sleep and is waking for this with each sleep cycle. Sleep training stopped my DS1 waking every 30-40 min but to be honest he was still a light sleeper and didn't sleep through completely until he was 14 months, but it was manageable as long as I could sleep in at least 2 hour blocks - the length of an adult sleep cycle, although 4 hours feels amazing when that milestone is reached! DS2 is a much better sleeper and I got away with feeding him to sleep until returning to work and had to sleep train because I wouldn't be there for his bedtime on the days I work, so I think some babies are just lighter sleepers than others and will also then have stronger dependency on you to keep getting them back to sleep if not sleep trained, as I didn't do anything different in the early newborn days between DS1 and DS2. Because DS1 was so bad at sleeping I was obsessed with baby sleep and read loads on the internet, there's quite a lot out there with lots of often conflicting advice. I would advise if you can read as much as you can then work out what will suit you best - controlled crying / pick-up put-down / gradual retreat etc. Sleep training can be really tough but I think for babies that are such light sleepers like my DS1 and your DS it's probably really necessary

With my DS1 I got through any crying involved in sleep training BT telling myself that it would lead to much less crying in the long run as he was waking all night crying to be helped back to sleep anyway!

I also have a 4 month old. If you want to try formula so that you get a break, go for it. I tried expressing for my DD and it nearly broke me as every time I sat down after getting her to sleep I had to express (I barely got any out at each time). Has your DH tried giving a bottle? I've heard from friends that they've struggled with bottle feeding as baby just wants 'the real thing' but it's been better when someone else (preferably male) has tried.

ok this was 100% me when DS was this age

I was sent for CBT which I did over the phone. It was more helpful than I thought it would be. I still completely maintain my problem was exhaustion but as a PP said it made it a bit easier to cope. I found having some mantras that I just said in my head when things were difficult made a difference. I used to think “this is really difficult but it will get easier” over and over like a silent chant.

I also did introduce some formula although that was on medical advice because DS wasn’t gaining enough weight. However what it enabled was for DH to do the evening shift and for a while I’d go to bed at 7 and sleep till 12. I think this was a real lifesaver tbh and we continued to breastfeed at other times till DS was nearly 3!

I do really feel for you, the first six months were awful for me. I did really enjoy having a toddler though! His sleep turned a corner once he was walking (though that was at 16 months FML) and I have found it pretty much w breeze since then!

Good luck - thinking of you

I felt and still do feel the things you feel. Basically there is no magic answer because otherwise there would be no books etc to sell! I found CBT helpful to as although sleep was the main focus of my anxiety it turned out there was lots of other stuff going on too.

Here for solidarity. My breast fed 2 year old has never slept more than 2 hours at night. She sometimes feeds for 30 mins in every hour. My older boys never did this, and I’m in my 40s this time, whilst also trying to work.

I’m really committed to natural term feeding but I must admit I’m nearing the end of my reserves.

💐 from me. If he’s anything like my boys, it suddenly gets better.

Try a hakka pump, you can literally put it over the side you’re not feeding from and it collects leakage. Pop a cover on it and collect every deed overnight. You’ll have so much more than you think by morning. Breast pumps don’t need sterilising, so you can store at room temp until morning then store how you want and leave dad a full feed.

I had this up until my baby was 13months and had started walking. It was also the time I decided to stop breastfeeding. I have no advice but I really empathise with you.

For me, this is the side of breastfeeding they don't warn you about, nor offer much support for. I never went the doctors to discuss how much it was affecting me. Looking back I think I should have.

OH has taken both DS for midnight walks when I’ve not been coping. The good chunk of sleep while he was out helped amazingly and they would often continue to sleep when he brought them back.