I can’t cope anymore (sleep or lack of)

[NotCopingWithThis]

This is probably going to be long and rambling but please bear with me.

My son is 4 months. We are in the depths of sleep regression and have been for about a month. Every time I think things are improving for a couple of nights it gets worse again. He gets tired and wants to be in bed at about 7 but then wakes every 30-90 minutes until 10/11 ish and then 1-2 hourly thereafter. On good nights we might manage a 4 hour chunk but I’m not managing to sleep through it because of all the other wakings I just feel stressed and tense and lie awake worrying. He doesn’t even feed for that long but the constant waking has taken its toll on me. We’re up for the day about 7. I am miserable and not coping at all.

Please don’t tell me this is normal. I know it’s bloody normal but I can’t do it any more. I’m exhausted and my mental health is declining. The only way I can get him back to sleep is feeding so I am solely responsible for this. My husband does everything he can but there is only so much he can actually do. It’s all very well saying ‘sleep when he sleeps’ but his daytime naps last 30-40 minutes unless I lie next to him and feed him to sleep between sleep cycles. I try to get him to have three naps - two short (30-60 mins) and one long (1.5-2.5 hours) in the middle and he’s generally okay at these.

He is in a co-sleeping cot (full size cot) next to me in bed. He bedshares for part of the night most nights but because I am so shattered I don’t feel particularly safe doing it and lie awake worrying. He is also a very big boy and I just find the whole experience really uncomfortable and can’t get comfy.

I’m absolutely at the end of my tether. He won’t take a bottle so I can’t spend more than 2 hours away from him and get any kind of proper rest. I’m starting to consider trying formula at bedtime which is ridiculous because he won’t even take expressed milk but at least I wouldn’t have to try to find time to express (when do you actually do it?!) and it might make him sleep - I’m aware that there are no guarantees, I just don’t know what to do. I desperately wanted to get to 6 months EBF but I just feel like it’s all too much. The responsibility is crushing me.

What do I do?

We sleep trained DD on the advice of her paediatrician when she was 4 months old - no night feeds & putting her back to sleep by rocking, shh/pat, put up/put down etc. First night was awful, 2nd night was better, and she slept through on the 3rd night. And every night since then, except for when she was ill or in pain for some other reason. She is now a sweet 13-year-old

You don't have to suffer this torture, OP.

It's awful! Mine wouldnt take a dummy or bottle and people used to say change to formula feeding!! How!?
Would he sleep in pram- some one take him a really long walk for you? Or likewise in car and some one takes him out? How about a swing seat?

Oh I completely know how you feel! My baby is only 2 months but I've really struggled! She's a terrible sleeper and wakes every 40mins-1hour.
It was torture and my mental health was awful! I felt on the edge of a complete breakdown.
I didn't want to give her any formula (I don't know why as I FF my DS- who was coincidentally a great sleeper) but in the end I decided my mental health was more important. She's still breastfed the majority of the time but my OH will give her formula from about 10pm - 2/3am. She sleeps for longer stretches when she's had a bottle so he can sleep a bit as well & I will get a good block of sleep too in the spare room.
We will then swap.
She is on the MAM bottles and I've found them to be great! No nipple confusion or anything.
I've also started to persist with a dummy and that now can soothe her sometimes. I think some of her night wakings were wanting to suck rather than actually feed.
I know that your DS won't take a bottle or dummy at the moment but maybe it just might take a bit of time? He also make take it better from your OH? At first my DD would only take her dummy from OH but now she's used to it she takes it from me too!
I also have to just keep reminding myself that this isn't forever (although it feels like it & this doesn't always help).
You do just have to find what works for you. Our routine is a bit odd & doesn't leave much time for us as a couple but has really helped my sleep.
Also, I don't express any of the missed feeds as it would be counter productive.
I don't do this but a lot of my mum friends will use a muslin or other type of blanket/soother and stroke it on their face when feeding or have it really close to them. They then start to find comfort in that itself.
I felt at the start as though I had to do everything myself (mainly in regards to feeding) but that was completely wrong. I needed to have time for myself to be a good mum.
Just do what works best for you, don't have any guilt! It's such a hard time these early months... just do what you have to in order to survive!
sending hugs!

My two dcs were awful sleepers. One of the worse things I did with my first was use my smart phone in all hours. It meant I found it hard to snatch the sleep i needed - the hour here and there. The light from phones is so bad for us in terms of sleep!
So I stopped with my second and properly co slept. As a result I was a bit more rested even with a toddler and newborn.
I also went to bed when the dcs did and would at least lie down for day naps.
I also forced myself out every day in all weathers.

I think this is the worse time of year for having a sleepless baby. It’s dark, cold, miserable.

You sound in a bad place. It’s hard to believe but it will get better, it just won’t be immediately. try And reduce your use of the Internet in all hours, have one bit of the day as a consistent routine eg a morning nap where you lie down.

I felt exactly the same. We had no family help. I stopped bf (had introduced a bottle at 10 days so lucky in that he would take one), put him in his own room and went back to work pt. He slept much better, I outsourced some of the 'responsibility' and felt 1000% better. Repeated with DC2. Both teens now, no regrets.

Probably not v helpful but in your situation, me personally, I would do whatever it takes to get that baby to take a bottle ! My dd took one easily so I’m not the best at giving advice on this .... but there must be ways to get bottle refusers to take one eventually ?! I hope you get sorted . I can remember that age and being a complete and utter zombie. I’m so glad it’s over!

Another one seconding keep trying the bottle. Formula or breast milk really doesn't matter, what matters is YOUR health here. It doesn't make you a bad mum that you feel like this, it makes you a normal one. I speak as someone who had severe PND undiagnosed for a long long time with my first. Keep doing everything you can to try and get baby on that bottle, then take it in turns doing one night on one night off with your OH. When it's your night off, sleep downstairs or in the living room so that you get the sleep you need. This is what me and OH do with our second baby and its been a life changer for me. You have done a hugely positive thing by self referring for help, well done for that. You are stronger than you know and you will get through this. Sending so much love and support to you right now xx

Oh god, I don't really have any advice to post but I sympathise so much as this was us when my DD was 4 months, it's blood brutal and awful. DD had pretty much the same pattern as you describe and nothing but breastfeeding would get her back to sleep. I had to find a new job when she was 6 months and on some nights she was still waking every 45 mins. She also only napped while being pushed in the pram or on me and was a staunch bottle/dummy refuser.

All I can say is that it did eventually get better. Gradually she started going for longer stretches (3 hours vs 45 mins - ha!) and by 9 months she had 2 regular night wakes. We started some light sleep training at around 9.5 - 10 months (giving her 5 mins to see if she would resettle etc) and she actually responded really well and got down to one night waking and finally slept through at just over 12 months and is what I'd call a 'good sleeper' now.

Massive hugs, it's so brutal and the thing about breastfeeding / bottle refuser is that it's all down to you.

I have to say I think in many ways I'm still recovering from the sleep deprivation. At the time all I could manage was the basics and couldn't remember a bloody thing.

But, it can and does get better x

Just an idea - my daughter wouldn't take my expressed milk but she loved formula! So my husband gave her one bottle of formula per day while I breastfed all the other feeds. It might be worth a try just to relieve you of one feed?

Oh, I just remembered a tip my friend gave me (her first was a great sleeper, her second terrible - it's down to the baby!) which was t stop looking at the time, and your phone at night. Don't check what the time is as it can send you in overdrive calculating how much sleep you are (not) going to get. It did help me xx

Op you have my sympathies. My first ds was like this. Also never took a dummy. At 4months things got terrible and if he slept more than 45 mins it was a miracle. He would wake for 30 odd mins, sleep 30-45 mins, wake again. Coslept, naps were all in my arms or the car. I was broken and trapped and spent my days sobbing as I was so tired and hated it.
I switched to formula at bedtime and it didn't make a blind bit of difference, I did stick with it but it didn't alter the sleep.
When he was 5.5m we moved him to his own room which helped a little. Then at about 7 months he just came out of it. We didn't change anything but the night wakings dropped to 1 or 2.
At 11 months he was sleeping through so we did 3 nights of shh-pat and he learned to self settle too (he was about to start nursery and I was terrified he'd be left to cry to sleep).
He's now 3 and sleeps 7pm-8am every day!
So my advice is this isnt forever.
Everything with a baby is a phase, I promise. It WILL get better, and you'll look back like I do and barely remember what it was like.
I now have ds2 who is 8mo and has slept through since he was 7 weeks. He is an absolute dream who has always self settled and never had issues with him. I'm glad ds1 didn't put me off more! They all say you never get 2 the same so just think, at least you've had the difficult one first :-)

I walked out in my dressing gown and stood
In the garden this morning. DH was terrified. I’m still sobbing. I feel like I need help but I don’t know what to do or who to turn to. This feels like some kind of crisis. I want to die but also I know I don’t really. I’m so confused and still not asleep.

Oh sweetheart, who do you have in your support network? Do you have any family or friends nearby? I've been there, I've been the one stood sobbing in the garden while the baby screamed indoors and I promise you, hand on heart, this is the hardest day. You WILL feel happy again, you ARE a good Mummy. But you need support. There's a reason sleep deprevation is a form of torture, it exasperates everything you feel. You need your OH to step in here and persevere with the bottle. If baby is hungry and you can't express, baby will take the formula although it doesn't feel like it now. Please listen to those of us that have been through this and want to help you 💕 tomorrow morning, go to that GP and tell them exactly what you've said on here. This is textbook parental anxiety/PND and needs help. Xx

OP I would get your dh to put the baby in the pram and take him for a long walk while you get some sleep. Dont worry if he cries a bit he will be fine with his dad for a few hours. Have dh stop off at the supermarket for some bottles and formula if you dont have them and he can give a bottle if he has to. Honestly the baby will take some if he is really hungry. I say this as a keen supporter of breastfeeding but you need a few hours of sleep.

Getting to some EBF barometer is less important than your health and ability to function. You need more sleep. It's no shame. Sleep is a thing humans need. You wouldn't feel like you should be able to power through if all of a sudden you stopped getting less food or water than you need.

I’m feeding him now, then DH is going to take him out for a few hours.

Our support network is great but I can’t admit how dreadful I feel.

Are you eating well? I was a broken, crying mess with my first child (bf) but I wasn’t eating nearly enough to cover us both. Especially if you’re exercising too? It makes a huge difference. I ended up with those weetabix drinks next to the bed.

Sleep deprivation sucks but low blood sugar makes it worse.

Op why do you feel that you can't admit how you feel? Wouldnt you want your friend or family member to feel that they could tell you if they felt like this? No one will judge you. Sometimes we feel that (especially if we've been trying for a baby for a long time) we aren't allowed to feel like this, we feel guilty, ungrateful or even like a bad parent. But it's not true. You are only human

Please put down all your thoughts, assumptions and expectations.

Your baby is programmed to suck on your nipple every 20 minutes or so around the clock. This provides food, the comfort of the presence of the primary carer and reassurance that the hunter-gatherer mother hasn’t moved on without him/ her.

Your role is to facilitate this. You need to be with your baby, and resting. Very little else is necessary. Can someone else bring you food? Order online? Washing clothes isn’t time consuming if you have a machine. For the few minutes it takes for a shower or bath, your baby can watch you, lying on a towel on the floor.

The issue isn’t the lack of sleep or the baby’s needs, it’s your mindset. That isn’t your fault, nobody tells you these things. Put aside everything you have learned and follow what your instinct tells you.

The issue isn’t the lack of sleep or the baby’s needs, it’s your mindset

Sorry but I really take issue with this. This poor woman is struggling with pnd and sever sleep deprivation , and you are telling her she just needs to change her mindset?!!!

Sleep deprivation and pnd are real. It’s ok to say “I can’t cope”.

Nonsense like your statement here only adds undue additional pressure to mums who are already feeling shit.

@GrandmaJane have you actually read the op? This is about tongue / latch issues and ongoing pain as well as Mental health and sleep deprivation.

Thanks Grandma way to kick a girl when she’s down -“every 20 minutes” indeed

Hang in there OP. Try to rest when the baby is out, even if you can’t relax to sleep.

Please tell someone in your support network, or get your DH to. It sounds like you’ve got people who’ll rally round. But if they think you’re fine they don’t know there’s a problem.
I hope you can get some sleep

I felt like this. It’s awful. My only advice is to get dh to do all the feeds using formula milk in a bottle. Then the baby won’t smell your breast milk and will take to the bottle easier and won’t keep rooting around for your nipple. Eventually they will accept the bottle and you’ll be able to at least get dh to share some of the night wakings. This is a controversial point but my own babies and everyone else’s that I know slept 100% better once they switched to formula milk. It does tend to keep them fuller for longer and you can also give them a dummy at night so they’re not chewing on your nipple non stop so you can get some sleep.

I had severe post natal depression triggered through lack of sleep. I used to escape leaving dh with the baby and cry my eyes out walking round Tesco or whatever dreading going home again as id have to put up with the feeding and crying again.
I took some antidepressants at a very high dose, did the formula feeding thing and also went back to work when the baby was very little (6 months old) as I just couldn’t stand the crying and settling anymore. (I didn’t actually make any money after I’d paid nursery fees / child care)!

It will get better but it is fucking awful.

My dd is 16 now and we have an amazing bond and I love her to pieces. Some people just don’t do babies very well!!

It can be brutal at this stage, you’re 4 months in and all your reserves are gone. You intellectually know it will get better but no one can tell you when.... 3 weeks? 3 months? Can you hang on in there that long etc. First thing to know is you’re not alone, loads of us go through this and it is nothing to be embarrassed to admit.... you may be surprised by how many friends and family members are all too familiar with how you feel now. Second thing is just do what you need to do to look after yourself as well, it’s so easy to feel like you must do X Y or Z as the advice/ guidance says it’s optimum for the baby so you push yourself to do it even if it comes at tremendous cost to your health and wellbeing. It’s ok to weigh up the risks/benefits and find things that work for you too.