I can’t cope anymore (sleep or lack of)

[NotCopingWithThis]

This is probably going to be long and rambling but please bear with me.

My son is 4 months. We are in the depths of sleep regression and have been for about a month. Every time I think things are improving for a couple of nights it gets worse again. He gets tired and wants to be in bed at about 7 but then wakes every 30-90 minutes until 10/11 ish and then 1-2 hourly thereafter. On good nights we might manage a 4 hour chunk but I’m not managing to sleep through it because of all the other wakings I just feel stressed and tense and lie awake worrying. He doesn’t even feed for that long but the constant waking has taken its toll on me. We’re up for the day about 7. I am miserable and not coping at all.

Please don’t tell me this is normal. I know it’s bloody normal but I can’t do it any more. I’m exhausted and my mental health is declining. The only way I can get him back to sleep is feeding so I am solely responsible for this. My husband does everything he can but there is only so much he can actually do. It’s all very well saying ‘sleep when he sleeps’ but his daytime naps last 30-40 minutes unless I lie next to him and feed him to sleep between sleep cycles. I try to get him to have three naps - two short (30-60 mins) and one long (1.5-2.5 hours) in the middle and he’s generally okay at these.

He is in a co-sleeping cot (full size cot) next to me in bed. He bedshares for part of the night most nights but because I am so shattered I don’t feel particularly safe doing it and lie awake worrying. He is also a very big boy and I just find the whole experience really uncomfortable and can’t get comfy.

I’m absolutely at the end of my tether. He won’t take a bottle so I can’t spend more than 2 hours away from him and get any kind of proper rest. I’m starting to consider trying formula at bedtime which is ridiculous because he won’t even take expressed milk but at least I wouldn’t have to try to find time to express (when do you actually do it?!) and it might make him sleep - I’m aware that there are no guarantees, I just don’t know what to do. I desperately wanted to get to 6 months EBF but I just feel like it’s all too much. The responsibility is crushing me.

What do I do?

I'm in this too, DS is 7 months. As PP have said, early weaning noooooope won't work.
I highly recommend a talk with your partner and form a plan so you can get ONE six hour chunk of time. If that means he learns how to give a bottle, and helps you by being in charge of bottle cleaning, and taking on the strain of managing the bottles and/ or the strain of the baby not taking the bottle, then that's a huge weight off you. Mine takes one sometimes, and not another time.

In fact just say 'I need a six hour chunk of time, out work out what to do while I have it tonight'. I assume your partner doesn't work seven days a week!

One chunk will see you through til the next time you can get a six hour break.

Lavender oil on your pillow may help.

Expressing; express from the other side while you're feeding

Actually I don’t think GrandmaJane was that far of the mark.

The essence of the post is to lower expectations. Once I’d lowered mine and focussed on not trying to get a sleeping baby, it became mentally easier.

My dcs were appalling sleepers. Reflux, intolerances and tongue tie all to contend with. I had to accept that mine didn’t sleep easily and it wasn’t my fault. I just had to survive.

I’ve had a couple of hours sleep and feel slightly more human but still very anxious and upset. DH and DS still out.

DS used to sleep really well. He used to go to sleep about 9, sleep 6 or 7 hours and then have a feed, and then sleep another couple of hours. This is all quite recent. I do feel it’s just a developmental stage and nothing I can do will really make any difference TBH. I feel like he’s far too little to be sleep trained or night weaned or anything like that.

We’ll get through it I guess but this morning was a big wake up call for me. I really spiralled out of control. I was seconds away from doing something dangerous. I still feel like I’m on the edge but more in control now, less likely to hurt myself.

NotCoping, it is definitely a developmental stage, absolutely 100%

Just to add - the only book I read that made me feel ether about my DDs awful sleep was called 'sleep like a baby' or something like that by Pinky Mckay. I had it on kindle other wise I'd post it. It talks a lot about what's normal for babies and some gentle strategies for when your DS is older.

More (unmumsnetty?!) hugs and glad you are feeling a little better

Glad you are feeling a bit better now just try to get some good rest in before they return. Sleep a bit more if you can

Your priority is your mental health and that means getting some decent sleep. Breastfeeding and waking around the clock is incredibly demanding. My first used to wake every 45mins and didn't stop waking every 2 hours for a long time. At 7 months in i was so exhausted I had a day I just cried all day long. I didn't have pnd I had just totally exhausted every reserve I had.

At that point i changed things. I insisted DH took baby out on the day in the sling ( this seemed to keep her happy for longer) with a bottle if needed( she never took it) You may find away from you he doesn't demand to feed as much and it actually goes ok. If he did this every Saturday am etc for the morning you could get a 4 hour chunk in. If that works then repeat Sunday. There is no shame in asking for help, sleep deprivation is torture.

I also choose to co sleep ( not everyone's choice I'm aware) and that made things easier too. I absolutely feel for you, I remember those difficult days well. They DO pass, not that it makes it any easier when you are going through it.

Also please get help if you are feeling like you will harm yourself. You are precious to your baby son and partner, remember that x

It is absolutely a developmental stage and it is brutal. It is literally torture used by dodgy military departments: being unpredictably woken up by a noise designed to set you on edge. And you've survived four months of it - even James Bond only has to get through enough torture to make it to the end of the film!

It won't do the baby any harm if someone else takes him out the house for a few hours while you sleep, not even if he spends the whole time screaming. You might also be surprised by how much better he settles for someone who doesn't smell like milk every now and then.

I think co-sleeping probably saved my sanity, so if you can find a set-up that makes you feel safe it might be worth exploring. I ended up taking the cot down, putting the bed up and retreating there most nights. Bonus, absolutely no issues with transition to a grown up bed - she was already used to sleeping in there.

You will get through this. My daughter was a hellish sleeper until she was 18 months, at which point a magical switch flipped and she never woke in the night again. I used to think about all the other mums awake in the night with a crying baby and it made me feel a bit less alone. I still sometimes thought about just getting on a bus and leaving.

Hi OP you've literally described how I felt when DS went through the 4 month sleep regression, I was hallucinating I was that tired. All you can really do is be honest with your support network about how exhausted you are. I remember crying in my husbands face one night about how we had made a huge mistake having a baby and worrying that it was something I done that caused the shit sleep and how I thought I was close to having PND. I think the penny dropped for him then and he started taking DS out to give me time to sleep, even taking him first thing in the morning so I could get 4/5 hours of sleep before he left for work.

It's so tough, DS took about 6 weeks to get through the regression and then we started sleep training which was a game changer. Within a few weeks he was sleeping from 7-7 initially with a night feed and then by 6.5 months he dropped the night feed! I shudder when I think about that time and I'm pretty sure I've mentally blocked a lot of it out. We still have the odd night where we are up with him all night with teething/colds/high temps but it's a walk in the park compared to that period of time.

You just need to get through these few weeks and it should start to improve. It's the biggest development leap they go through

Your baby is programmed to suck on your nipple every 20 minutes or so around the clock. This provides food, the comfort of the presence of the primary carer and reassurance that the hunter-gatherer mother hasn’t moved on without him/ her.

Oh for Gawd's sake. Feeding every 20 minutes at night is not normal or essential.

OP, try the "Sleep Lady" book. I have used her with both my babies and she is just so nice, sensible and non-dogmatic (and her advice is tailored for people who breastfeed--she was a breastfeeding mother herself). It's completely fine to start getting a bit firm with your baby if he is snacking all night long. You are not doing your child a favor if you become so sleep deprived that you end up falling asleep with him on a couch and rolling on top of him, or crashing the car with your baby in the back seat.

Reading your posts really resonated with me. Our situation and response to it sounds v similar (except I didn't have a support network sadly).

Please please reach out to people. Company and a break from it all for a few hours are both crucial in making it more bearable.

In the middle of the night it always seems worse.

One small thing that helped me a bit is not to look at a clock or phone or anything with the time on when you're woken. It isn't going to help anyone knowing that you were woken 11 times.

Thinking of you this evening OP x

Thanks so much everyone.

I’m feeling more positive this evening. Just has a chat with my parents. DM has actually offered to try to cut her hours down at work so she’s home one day per week and can help out. DMIL is also very keen to help out ever week even though it’s a 2 hour drive for her (she’s lovely and we get on really well).

I think with a bit more support things might be easier.

Thanks so much everyone.

I’m feeling more positive this evening. Just has a chat with my parents. DM has actually offered to try to cut her hours down at work so she’s home one day per week and can help out. DMIL is also very keen to help out ever week even though it’s a 2 hour drive for her (she’s lovely and we get on really well).

I think with a bit more support things might be easier.

You have my sympathies, DD2 was just like this and didn't sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time until 18 months and not through the whole night until 3.5! I got through it by co sleeping, not ideal, but the only way to stay sane.

With hind sight I wish I persisted with trying to give her a dummy, she wasn't keen and I didn't press it much as she didn't seem interested. But looking back I wish I'd given it a better go, I'm sure it would have helped her sleep for longer. Dd1 had a dummy and was a wonderful sleeper.

DD2 would also never take a bottle, no type of bottle ever! The only thing I going that she would have, and I'm not even sure they still do them, was a cup from Tesco, which had a kind of flat soft teat. I was so pleased that I finally found something else she would drink from! DD2 is 11 now, son it sure you can still get them, but it was a god send at the time.

I hope with the extra support it sounds like you'll be getting from your mum ang MIL things will start to feel a little easier for you.

Your DM and DMIL sound great, well done for reaching out, I know it’s hard.
Fingers crossed tonight’s a better one sleep-wise

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job to me. Not going to tell you your baby's sleep is normal becaue you've specifically asked not to, but I am going to tell you that how you FEEL is also normal. My baby wakes about the same amount and has since 4 or 5 months, and is just seeming to turn a corner and get a whole lot better. In the meantime the sleep depravation and lack of time with my hubby uninterrupted has been very tough at times, but it's become normal and we just deal with it knowing it isn't forever. Personally we ended up converting a spare room into a double floorbed for safest possible cosleeping. That allows me to give up and snuggle for the second half of the night when I can't face getting him back in his cot again. It may not be for you, or maybe not til your baby is older, up to you, but you'll find a way to cope and you'll just do it, and when the baby turns a corner and sleeps longer it will feel AMAZING. You're currently sacrificing your own sleep and needs for your baby, round the clock, and that is a beautiful thing. It's fucking hard but you should be proud of yourself. Keep going, it will get better

Really glad to hear your parents and in laws are coming to give you some support. It's true what they say - it takes a village to raise a child. Happy sleeping! X

Hats off to you for persevering, as I remember being in a similar situation with my son and it was debilitating. He pretty much fed (bf) round the clock, every 1.5hrs. It was a killer. He was a lovely, lovely baby, but he fed sooo often and soooooo slowly, it crippled me. Scuse the long post but 2 things made a huge difference and I wanted to share incase either helps:

First- At 3 months we introuduced a formula dream feed (nuk bottles/teats). I would demand feed as usual every 90mins or so, until about 10-10.30 and once baby was asleep i would go straight to bed. DH would make up a bottle (whatever the recommended amount for the age was) and get it ready to give him around midnight. He’d pick up sleeping son and offer bottle of formula. Took about 3 days to get him to drink anything as he previously refused all dummies/bottles/expressed milk or formula. He started taking tiny amounts, only a few sips, but bit by bit he got used to the new arrangement and started drinking more. After a few weeks he was guzzling 2oz a night, he gradually took more but, as a mostly bf baby, never took as much formula as a formula fed baby would. The formula fills babies up more than breast milk, it sits heavier on the stomach and therefore makes them sleep longer - like a long nap after a Sunday roast. He never, ever took a bottle from me, he would always snuffle restlessly for breast milk if I was holding him, and when awake he’d not take a bottle off either of us, but at night he would happily have a dream feed from his Daddy and once he was drinking enough of it, it zonked him out for 4 hours. So if I went to bed straight after the last feed of the evening (10.30/11ish) meant i’d get at least 5 hours in a block, sometimes 6. It saved my sanity.
And secondly, I weaned at 5months. The HV was against it and kept saying I should give formula but he wouldn’t take it whereas he was very interested in my food. He literally pulled my hand with a pear i was eating to his mouth and started sucking and chewing. The Baby Led Weaning book I had said that babies will let you know when they want real food so I decided to ignore the HV and try food. He took to it with gusto, and even after just eating a spoon of porridge or two for breakfast and tiny amounts of carrot or banana at dinner time to supplement breast milk, he slept noticeably longer. The recommendation was to wait until 6m but my son was definitely hungry before then, and trying to help himself to my food. I would recommend trying weaning, even if in tiny amounts, if your baby is feeding continually and still appears hungry but refuses formula. Incidentally, a few months after I weaned him, the government changed the recommendation back to 4months for weaning, as it had been previously. I think the optimum time to wean must be somewhere between 4 and 7 months depending on the child and depending on whether the child is breast or formula fed. Anyway, when weaned to 3 square meals he had the occasional bf milk ‘snack’ and dropped to one night feed and we were all MUCH happier. Good luck and hang in there. The sleep will not be this bad forever xx

Your doing a good job don't be hard on yourself if you got through labour you can get through this I'm another vote for sleep training and own room good luck xx

I could have written exactly this, except my ds was 3 months at the time. I hated the baby stage tbh which came as a massive shock because I love children and had always wanted them. I thought I'd love it all and the fact I didn't was a huge shock. Now he's a 2yo I can honestly say it does get better!

When I went through exactly what you described for me it was very sadly the end of breast feeding as the constant stress and lack of sleep made my milk supply dwindle and I wasn't able to keep up when ds went through growth spurts. We started combination feeding which obviously made the problem worse, but at the time it was all I could do. In hindsight I would try small pumping sessions after each feed. Even just 15 mins can help. You can store the equipment in the fridge between sessions so absolutely no need to wash and sterilise each time (one of the reasons I didn't do it enough was I thought you had to and it is too much work when you're tired but you really don't need to). Over time your milk supply will increase and you will be able to express more as well as build up a stash to try with a bottle.

Secondly whilst I wouldn't sleep train such a young baby the best thing we ever did was move him to his own room. We were disturbing him and he was disturbing us so moving him instantly increased all our sleep. Suddenly he was sleeping in chunks, only feeding twice between 11pm and 7am and I was sleeping as well because he wasn't snuffling around near me. Honestly it is the very best thing I ever did and saved my mental health. It means getting up to feed but when you're getting more sleep that isn't as hard. We used one of those angelcare monitors to give us a bit more peace of mind as we were moving him before the recommended six months. Honestly if you're following all other safe sleep guidelines the risk is so minimal and better than worrying about making a mistake from being overtired.

Finally don't skip day time feeds. It's so tempting if someone can take them and you get a few hours off but it just means they make up for it at night. Keep trying with a bottle so you can have an extended time away but in the meantime make sure he's feeding regularly in the day every few hours and that you're getting enough time between feeds to rest and recover. If someone can take him for a couple of hours between feeds then definitely do that so you can get some rest. Don't be afraid to ask for help!

It honestly does get better but I do also massively believe that taking positive action is the absolute best thing mental health wise. If I'd tried to just "ride it out because it's a phase" I'd have snapped under the strain. I needed to feel like I was actively doing things to try and help the situation. Hang in there and let us know how you get on xx

Poor you. I am dreading it, currently have a 6 week old and during her first developmental leap she was waking hourly, and after just 3 nights I was tearful all day.

One thing I will recommend, (this is my second baby) is not skipping feeds in the day. I offer food everyone 2.5 - 3 hours and never let her sleep for more than 3 hours in the day time. I fine she can (and previous DD) only do 1 chunk of 3-4 hour sleep in a 24 hours period. So if she has a 4 hour sleep in the day, she can’t at night. I know that last thing you want in the day is to wake sleeping baby, but I found it worked for ours.

Glad things are slowly moving forward. I had the same experience although around 6m. And DD wasn’t interested in food until about 18m.
I remember leaving DD with mother in law with a bottle of EBM around 3-4m and she just refused the EBM and made up for it later. My little niece was the same. Similarly even when DD was on food she would refuse anything until the boob came home. I used to wonder how she wasn’t hungry but she was fine. So you could send DH out with the baby and a bottle of formula even if the baby refuses the bottle (which they probably will) the baby will be fine. I could never sleep when the baby was in the house. It could help if there’s somewhere else to go with no distractions.
I ended up with PND due to 30 min wake ups and can totally relate to the garden episode except that was me at the top of the stairs screaming that I was going to go under a train unless someone helped me.

DH slept on the floor from 2am last night so I could comfortably bed share with DS as he kept waking up whenever I put him back in his cot (despite it being three sided and literally just an extension of our bed!). Had three hours of unbroken non-anxiety laden sleep for the first time in ages.

Had a telephone consultation with the counselling service this morning. He said they’d call back later today which sounds a bit ominous.

Hello @NotCopingWithThis

I found this thread while desperately trying to find something to help me cope with what is now 9 weeks of baby sleeping no more than 2 hours in one go. Last night he was up every 45 minutes and this isn't unusual. Like you, breastfeeding is the only thing that gets him back to sleep.

I am broken. I could have written your post except our day time naps only last 20 minutes.

I think I just wanted to know if things improved with sleep for you in the following months? I feel like I cannot take any more. My mum keeps telling me that I didn't sleep properly until I went to school and I am so afraid.

@BlossomBlue

Sorry name change fail on my part, but I am the OP!

Baby started sleeping 3 or 4 hours at the start of the night, and reliably linking his sleep cycles in the day (putting him down for naps in the pushchair and a lot of white noise helped) once he was about 6 months old but the nights were fairly atrocious until we sleep trained and night weaned just before 8 months. It wasn’t really in my plans but as a last resort, it did work wonders. It was very hard work for a few weeks though!

He’s now 12 months and sleeps 6.30-5.15ish usually (wakes up starving and furious and we can’t convince him that it’s not the morning no matter what we try!) without waking, barring the odd teething episode.

If you want to chat, please feel free to message me. I know how horrendous and lonely it is.