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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Midwife gave me a parcel of toys for my children is this normal?

122 replies

Foreverexhausted · 05/01/2019 18:18

Posting for traffic....

I had a baby two weeks before Christmas, had terrible baby blues and was put on 'mood watch' with regular visits at home from midwives. A couple of days before Christmas one of the midwives turned up with a huge bag of 'presents', there were lots of lovely brand new age relevant toys for both my children and several gifts including a gro-bag for my new baby. I was really taken aback and didn't know what to say. It wasn't until after she left I saw there was a label attached to the bag which said it was a gift from the Salvation Army!!

I still don't know what to think. Did the midwife think I was in need because I had a baby so close to Christmas and had terrible baby blues or did she think I was poor? Has anyone experienced this?

Thanks all

OP posts:

Ragwort · 06/01/2019 19:45

Try not to overthink it, I volunteer for a Food Bank & we are overwhelmed with donations at Christmas, not just food but all sorts of gifts and presents, we actually run out of storage space so it is a real problem and we try as hard as we can to pass things on to people who we hope will benefit from them.

Deidre21 · 06/01/2019 19:48

Just kindness

manicmij · 06/01/2019 19:49

Salvation Army more than likely has contact with midwives around Xmas and will give a package of gifts for any family they know of. I know of an organisation who if given details of any family with young children felt to be under pressure of any kind at Xmas would supply gifts and loads of food all usually well received. Some, once over their hurdle, gave a donation by way of a Thank You. People do care. Accept and enjoy. Hope your health is improving.

crackerbaron · 06/01/2019 19:54

I remember when I had PND and regular visits from my health visitor, I felt so incapable and judged. An aunt said to me a few months later 'you had an easy baby didn't you? It's a shame as you really struggled in the beginning' ... and honestly it felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach. I don't feel that way now (this was last Xmas), as I've been better for a long time and have become more resilient but I can vividly remember what it was like to feel that way. You've been through a horrible time and had to try and be cheerful all Xmas to boot, it's so difficult. Please don't beat yourself up or over think things like this.

Maybe similar, but my HV said I could attend the flying start baby yoga down the road from me. I'm not on flying start or eligible for that help but they had lots of spaces and were happy to bend the rules. I bet this is similar x

Tjzmummabear · 06/01/2019 19:59

Op how are you feeling now?

danigrace · 06/01/2019 20:14

I had similar last year. Was struggling a bit with postnatal anxiety etc and local children's centre ladies turned up with loads of wrapped gifts for ds and even some for me & dh. Was lovely.

Storybarn · 06/01/2019 20:17

Just kindness, accept it with grace and next Christmas pay it forward by dropping off a new gift at one of the charity gift collection points.

winniestone37 · 06/01/2019 20:18

She meant well, don't read into it you have better things to do.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 06/01/2019 20:21

OP are you still reading and are you okay?

For all the people saying "just accept it", maybe OP doesn't want to. And that is okay.

When people are in vulnerable situations, eg elderly or ill, sometimes small things feel big. I know when I was in hospital after surgery being able to wash and keep clean was huge to me. It was about self respect.

The mw was undoubtedly doing a lovely kind thing but if it made you feel bad, that's okay, you don't need to suck it up. If you want, it is okay to text the mw and say "thank you for your kindness but I just don't feel able to accept these". Or just quietly donate them on.

I donate all my dc clothes to a local food bank but I am very very careful always to ask first if they want it (don't assume just cos they have taken things off me before) and if a mum felt she didn't want to take my old stuff even if she was in need, I'd understand and respect that feeling.

Icallbullshit4 · 06/01/2019 20:23

Quite normal I think. Where I work in the NHS there is a charitable fund which is used to buy things like Christmas presents for patients who stay with us over Christmas. And lots of donations also at Christmas for patients.

When I was in hospital over Christmas with my child (who was about a week old) I was gifted a lovely Christmas present for myself. Think it had a scarf, assorted toiletries and some chocolate in it. It was a lovely gesture and I was feeling very raw and low at the time.

Your NHS trust probably runs the same. I wouldn't think too much into it.

caringcarer · 06/01/2019 20:35

When my son was in hospital one Xmas day he got lots of toys from various projects. It was a bit embarrassing as he had lots of toys we had bought him but staff insisted it was a perk for a child for being in hospital on Xmas day. The midwife probably realizes you may not feel up to getting out and about buying Xmas gifts for your children and if you have PND your children may not get as much attention as usual so put your name forward. I would feel jolly lucky and thankful if it was me that we live in a society where people do give to good causes so people who are feeling down get a bit of help when they need it. Anyone who has a child could have experienced PND. We all know it is not nice and I hope you are feeling better soon.

user1467403859 · 06/01/2019 20:43

I donate toys at xmas to the sally army. I do it to put a smile on someones face 😊

wildchild554 · 06/01/2019 21:21

my children have received birthday presents and christmas presents when I've been in hospital with them. I think they just think that as your short on time round that period it might help you out and make you feel better. I do remember feeling really bad at not being able to give them a proper christmas or birthdays and this did help lift the mood..

EdtheBear · 06/01/2019 23:59

I always thought these toy collections were for vulnerable kids, meaning poor, but I guess it makes sense if they have enough to include the children of parents suffering depression and other problems that mean shopping is hard.

One of my most treasured possessions is a hand knitted Santa hat given to my newborn baby on Christmas morning, it makes me cry thinking about the love, care and time that a stranger put into it.

CheekyNandosForMe · 07/01/2019 01:49

I can understand your confusion, but having received parcels and odd items from midwives, health visitors and social workers in the past, there's a variety of reasons they do it.

In your case it very much sounds like your midwife wanted to do something to help you smile. Where as some kids ie children classed as children in need, will receive presents because they genuinely may not receive much, or anything, at Christmas.

I had a support worker for my mental health, and she would turn up with the odd reduced loaf of bread or similar, sometimes. I didn't begrudge it, it was thoughtful and I was on full benefits and PIP.

I wouldn't take it the wrong way, it just sounds like you've been terribly down and a treat for the kids is a pick me up x

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 07/01/2019 02:41

My husbands nhs counsellor referred us to receive similar at Christmas, only my g.p had done the same, as had homestart who were supporting us. On Christmas Eve a hamper full of everything needed for a Christmas dinner arrived! We were unable to feed ourselves at the time- I had become severely disabled, dh had to leave work to look after me and we were on very little benefits due to not knowing what we were entitled to.

We both burst into tears! In the space of a day we had gone from no presents to gift our children to a tree full of presents. We boxed some away to give to dc in their upcoming birthdays as we were facing not affording that either. We would have tried to return some but there were no letters or information showing who the gifts were from. (We only found out who referred us when we enquired after Christmas)

That year taught me that there is a Santa Claus/ Father Christmas. He just works through the kind people who organise and support this every year.

My dh now volunteers at our local foodbank and we donate whenever we can.

Lukemma · 07/01/2019 02:47

I would accept this in the spirit it was intended. Try not to over think it. Xx

steadtler · 07/01/2019 03:05

This sounds lovely.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 07/01/2019 03:51

Aw ClaireElizabeth, that is so lovely. And that you pay it forward. Isn’t that Xmas is all about.

Jeepy · 07/01/2019 10:15

How lovely. Take it in the spirit it was intended, and resolve to be kind to someone else in the future if you think they need it, or for no reason at all. Being depressed can make you unhappy and suspicious, let it go. I'm not Christian, but I can see how being generous and thoughtful is wonderful. A lady near me buys flowers for every new mother and new inhabitant of our village, it's a lovely gesture.

Catsinthecupboard · 08/01/2019 04:37

Idk if this is relevant but when my dc were quite small they grew so quickly that i would be left with unfinished packages of disposable diapers (ds doubled weight in first 2 months!) That i had no use for.

Also. They both rejected baby food as soon as they realized we weren't eating it and i was left with jars of it.

Anyway, i took it to my local food bank and the person there told me that they always needed those types of donations.

My mother was a single mother years ago before it was acceptable. It helped us to get by. It's never a shame to go through hard times. Just try to pass things on when things get better.

And as i tell my dc, life is a pendulum; good times don't last, but neither do bad ones. Best wishes.

slappinthebass · 09/01/2019 14:43

I imagine she thought it would lift your spirits rather than because she thought you were in need. What a lovely gesture.

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