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Original poster

Midwife gave me a parcel of toys for my children is this normal?

122 replies

Foreverexhausted · 05/01/2019 18:18

Posting for traffic....

I had a baby two weeks before Christmas, had terrible baby blues and was put on 'mood watch' with regular visits at home from midwives. A couple of days before Christmas one of the midwives turned up with a huge bag of 'presents', there were lots of lovely brand new age relevant toys for both my children and several gifts including a gro-bag for my new baby. I was really taken aback and didn't know what to say. It wasn't until after she left I saw there was a label attached to the bag which said it was a gift from the Salvation Army!!

I still don't know what to think. Did the midwife think I was in need because I had a baby so close to Christmas and had terrible baby blues or did she think I was poor? Has anyone experienced this?

Thanks all

OP posts:
Threadastaire · 05/01/2019 19:12

Hospitals and children's services get more stuff donated at Christmas than they know what to do with - and often at the last minute when it's skeleton staffing and there's very little time to organise where to give them to or time to physically take them out to people. I'm sure they just provided them to anyone who had been in recent contact who might make use of them or might appreciate them. (Obviously they ensure anyone really in need is prioritised first, but bear in mind hospitals aren't likely to be able to store things so they have to move them on quickly)

teainthemorning · 05/01/2019 19:15

FFS ! It was Christmas, a time for giving, and people on here are offended at being given gifts at Christmas ?
Only on Mumsnet.

AlpacaLypse · 05/01/2019 19:16

I understand what you mean about feeling mortified. We are all so conditioned to give to charity that it can be very disconcerting to put it mildly if you find you being regarded as a recipient instead!

I had a family member who had been left in a pretty shitty financial position by the behaviour of another family member. Our local church approached me and said they had funds but didn't know how to go about getting them to this lady without her taking umbrage. So I 'laundered' it for them. To this day she has no idea. And I won't tell her. She's now in a much better financial position and back donating to charity on her own behalf again.

OP you have been amazing and brilliant and wonderful - and knee deep in some pretty awful stuff. Take the gifts in the spirit in which they are meant, and remember they are gifts - and thus entirely up to you what to do with them. Keep some or all for your children, who have been on this journey with you. Or pass them on to someone else who you think might appreciate them.

Orlande · 05/01/2019 19:16

My last work place collected for this appeal. We were told they go to homes where children would have no other gift. Obviously that's not the case
They probably had stuff left over, don't panic.

Grannyannex · 05/01/2019 19:16

Very kind

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 05/01/2019 19:18

I know what you mean OP.

I was referred to Homestart a while back as someone at the children's centre assumed I was "struggling" because we have 3 under 4. It was probably kindly meant but it really knocked me as I felt we were coping well and was proud of us for doing so.

This is probably unpopular but I think women are often told to ignore their own feelings and think of others. You have a right to feel how you feel in your situation. I would not say anything to the mw but I would give it away personally. I actually don't think being "proud" is a bad thing. Sometimes it's the only thing that's kept me from breaking down in really difficult times. As long as you are not nasty to the kind mw, you do what you need to do to keep your own self respect.

KC225 · 05/01/2019 19:18

Similar thing happened to one of the mums that hung out with us at playgroups. The midwife said to her, the toys been donated. But implied that sometimes its a bit overwhelming to go out shopping at that time of year. In case you don't manage to get out here is some presents for baby's first Christmas.

We all thought it was really sweet.

m0therofdragons · 05/01/2019 19:18

I work in a hospital and we get lots of very generous donations for patients (so many we struggle to find recipients for all of them). She would have been happy to find a grateful family. Enjoy and I wish you a lovely 2019 with your family.

KC225 · 05/01/2019 19:20

Should add the new mum had PND.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 05/01/2019 19:22

Oh and this is not a new attitude.
My working class granny was born in 1918 and was dirt poor but very very proud of putting food on the table for her five children and would never have accepted "hand outs". It's actually a very traditional attitude.

nevermindthebollox · 05/01/2019 19:27

I had this a few christmases ago, I was diagnosed with cancer when pregnant, I had the baby in July but had to undergo a stem cell transplant in the November and was released from hospital on dec 8th. A couple of weeks later there was a knock on the door and it was some people from local
Charity with a huge hamper, a lovely wash bag and smellies for myself and loads of toys for my baby. We were fairly well off so felt terribly guilty and told them this, but they said people just wanted to give to others going through tough times no matter what their financial circumstances. I came to think of it as a lovely gesture and I still think about it often. It's human kindness Smile

MoaningSickness · 05/01/2019 19:32

Part of me wonders why people think gifts of food are appropriate or did they think we couldn't afford to buy our own?

Food gifts are a go to for people you want to give a gift to but don't know well enough to give something 'permanent', and it's completely normal to give a small gift to people who do you a regular service. It's really very odd of you to you think they are giving your DH because he's needy Confused, when it's really obvious it's because they appreciate his service as a postman but don't know him well enough to get anything but food!

I can understand why the OP is taken aback as gifts from midwives is not usual, but I suspect she just thought it would cheer her up/take pressure off shopping, nothing to do with her financial situation.

RomanyRoots · 05/01/2019 19:34

Aw, she thought you deserved it, perhaps maybe thought you may struggle to get presents, or it could be something done in your area.
Sally Army are terrific too, the charity I donate to.

I hope you are feeling better and your mood stable.
Best of luck for 2019 Thanks

FuzzyShadowChatter · 05/01/2019 19:35

I agree both with that it was likely part of a programme meant to be kind rather than thinking anything negative and that she really should have asked and informed you of the source before doing so - a lot of people have issues with the SA.

I think when these programmes are done well it can be such a boost, but it does seem there are many appeals don't end up where they say they will. My kids were in a programme for young carers, mainly as it had been recommended for social and emotional help which was what my kids needed most. It likely was at some point, but our experience was it was all about stuff and how 'doing this up' or 'buying that' would make us all happier (she kept wanting me to paint the kitchen a nice colour, it was weird). We were once given a random bag of tins from 'donors'. In November and December, we were asked every visit if we wanted Christmas gifts for the kids from donors. Each time I said no - we don't celebrate Christmas, they'll have plenty of presents on New Years, I'm sure there are plenty of others who could need those donations more than us. New Year's Eve arrives and she shows up with no warning with a bag of gifts in Christmas wrapping and argued with me that I had to take them or "the donors won't be happy". I really don't think any donor want to donate toys to homes that are full of them and even if so, it's not really my responsibility to keep random donors happy. It was so weird and I pulled out of the programme soon after as it really was not as advertised. I felt we were wasting people's donations if the idea was just giving people stuff when we had plenty of stuff, that was the last thing we needed.

NicoAndTheNiners · 05/01/2019 19:38

Maybe she just felt as you'd had a bit of extra care she'd got to know you well, became fond of you and wanted to do something nice?

I used to be a sure start midwife and ran small antenatal courses over a few weeks. At the end of the course I used to buy a small baby gift for all the mums out my own pocket. Not for any other reason other than I wanted to. I'm sure they could have afforded whatever I bought as it would have been under £5 each, I just wanted to get them a gift.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 05/01/2019 19:39

I think it is more likely that it is because you had a baby so close to Christmas, that is quite special isn’t it? It may also be because you have PND, not because she thought you were poor.

RomanyRoots · 05/01/2019 19:44

In a way the story about them having too many to donate is lovely.
We are sure that the donations are getting out to people.
Even if you don't think you are a priority, people like to donate to charity because they like helping people who may at that time be worse off than themselves or struggling somehow.
I hope people don't read this and think there is a huge surplus and stop giving though. Thanks

TheBigBangRocks · 05/01/2019 19:51

The Salvation Army is asking the community to get behind its Christmas Present Appeal to ensure the most vulnerable have something to open on the 25th December

That's taken from their website for the 2018 appeal. It lists suggested items for the donations too. Everything is to be left unwrapped so they can sort.

Pandamodium · 05/01/2019 19:53

We had a food/toy parcel practically forced on us last Christmas by DD's behavioural worker. I sent it back we didn't need it and there is family's in the local area a hell of a lot worse off then us.

My mam actually helps with the SA toy appeal and I had donated myself.

They were incredibly pushy it was uncomfortable.

waterrat · 05/01/2019 20:00

I gave new toys to my local SA appeal this Christmas - they were going to a lot of families who would otherwise have nothing.

I would presume you happened to give birth at a time they usually give out presents and they had enough spare to give to all the local women who had a baby etc

I think it's really lovely that they have enough donations to go so widely. It gives me faith in humanity!

aibutohavethisusername · 05/01/2019 20:06

I think it is a really kind gesture after you’ve been through so much.

In Christmas 2017 we were struggling emotionally and financially due to MH issues. Social Worker bought us two boxes from SA full of Christmas foods as well as tins of carrots and peas and packets of custard etc.
This Christmas we were able to give back to those in need.

AlwaysInMotion · 05/01/2019 20:07

They probably had spare gifts. I've worked in the public sector before and a similar charitable collection got in touch with our organisation one year to see if we could help identify gift recipients because they were overwhelmed with donations.

JaniceBattersby · 05/01/2019 20:08

We organise the local big toy collection at Christmas and, honestly, we get so much donated that there is plenty left over for families who don’t necessarily need it, but might be given a little boost by having it. We had more than 4,000 new presents donated by town of only 90,000 population. That’s a quarter of all the children here.

I’m sure your midwife was just trying to give you a little helping hand.

OhTheRoses · 05/01/2019 20:11

Thank you for kind wishes. Were you in Wandsworth at the time schadenfreude?

Couple of things though when our DC didn't need the cot, changing mat, blankets, baby alarm, pram, moses basket, high chair any more, I phoned SS to offer them (they were all top quality and in fantastic condition). The response, "no we wouldn't accept them, we only provide families with brand new things". Ah well my friend who married a director of Warburgs had it all. It was good enough for them.

Conversely when dd had some mh issues we were told to get her help through a local charity "Heads Together/YMCA". When I said I felt the NHS should provide her therapy, not a charity I was asked what my problem was. Well actually you have told me to approach a charity whilst refusing help identifying a private psychiatrist because you don't know their outcomes. I was told to stop being silly and shut down when I asked about the charity's outcomes. I concluded CAMHS nurses were similar to hVs - 9-5ers who didn't like shifts or the hard graft of nursing work

Justaboy · 05/01/2019 20:13

Before you know it OP you'll have more toys then you'll know what to do with some .. perhaps donate to the SA?.

Just look upon it as a kind gesture for thats whats its been. I bet your nipper won't mind where they came from will he/she;?

Hope the DNP is better now, horiible illness that is!.