To think people are Cruel about big’ weddings?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

A few wedding threads have popped up this week. Awesome, as a 2019 bride I love a good wedding thread!

However, I’m shocked and bemused by the sheer disgust MANY people openly display towards big traditional weddings. I find them very rude and small minded!

No feelings spared - plain nasty comments and even name calling! Apparently anyone who pays more than £50 to nip down their local registry office is a total ‘MUG’ and terrible person? 🤔

These nasty opinions also seems to be one sided - no ‘big weddings’ reguarlh jump in to abuse smaller cheaper ones or make crass remarks- there are plenty of ‘I’d never spend £20k on a wedding- I’d rather lick a mouldy toilet seat’ commenters

But no (very few and usually only in retaliation to abuse)
‘I’d never have a tacky function room £1k wedding - I’d rather visit a public pool 🤢’

🤔 So I can only assume that either:
A- people having cheaper wedding are generally meaner
Or
B- the abuse of large weddings is actually driven by jealousy!

With our fail it sparks a big ‘race to the bottom competition’ between commenters trying to one up each other on ‘cheapeast possible wedding’ 😒 meanwhile I just sit here thinking ‘I like my castle wedding 😬’

EVERY TYPE OF WEDDING IS LOVELY!

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments?

• I do get that weddings need to be affordable but some people CAN afford to spend £10k+ on a wedding and that’s ok!

ah - given my username, I should have guessed that

that was to GenerationSnowflake

Grace The wedding isn't about you. No-one there will pay attention what you are wearing, assuming you will arrive in a clean and fairly normal get up. I've been to weddings wearing a £25 H&M dress and shoes from a cheap catalogue. And had a great time.

We had what I consider an expensive wedding purely because I/my deceased parents had an emotional attachment to the venue. Only one family member was present on my side so we were happy to save hard for 2 years to be able to afford it. This also meant savings were made in other areas such as the dress & cake and reception was held elsewhere. Couldn’t afford a free bar but had a large buffet, I’m pretty sure some of those that only came to the reception were a bit miffed they had to pay for drinks but I honestly wouldn’t change how we did it.

All the posters who say they have never been to a wedding with a free bar where do you live
Clearly not in louche land were you’re aghast when free bars aren’t the norm at weddings

Weddings in my home country can be dreadful, you'll get two glasses of wine with your meal (none will be served before hand), then there'll be either home made punch or cider and beer cans available after the cake cutting. They don't think it's anything weird . Here in the UK I love the fact that there's at least a bar where I can get drinks from, don't mind paying for them at all. It tends to be 50/50 whether you need to pay or whether it's all been provided for free.

Helipad I think some of this is partly due to being introverted and partly because I don't do dressing up so I have definitely got it wrong on many occasions! I don't wear skirts or dresses so if I do have to do another smart event, I will just make it simple and wear a tux. I do own a tuxedo style jacket which was cheap and cheerful.

anyway, perhaps it is coloured by the fact that a) I hate small talk events and b) I don't get why anyone wants an acquaintance at their wedding. Luckily there's not really anyone close enough left in my circle to be offended by me saying no.

I do find that bigger weddings are more likely to result in a phone call asking why the invite has been declined.. just my experience.I think it's rude to ask for more info when someone has declined an invite.

I think if you have the money and want to treat your guests then why not. Ours wasn’t a ‘show off’ wedding. We wanted to spend money on decent food and a free bar. We like music so spent money on a live band. We wanted to provide transport between venues so hired a bus. Then provided nibbles on the bus and fizz.
I wanted to buy the bridesmaids dresses as I didn’t want them to pay. We wanted to treat our families to a nice night in a hotel.

All that added up but we had the most amazing day and I don’t think our guests had to fork out (we asked for no presents) venue was LONDON so people could go home. No evening guests everyone was invited to the whole day.

So not ‘ooh look at how much money we have’. We wanted everyone to have a good time.

I don't give a thought to the size nor expense of a wedding. I soak up the atmosphere and sense of love and hope. I love weddings. I don't mind paying for drinks nor contributing time and effort if asked. I do have a dislike of being asked for money as a gift though. Maybe it's a generational thing. Maybe it's because each time we have, we've not been thanked. When we've bought a gift we have. Weird. But this is going off topic.

SheldonandPenny sorry to go more off topic, but Sheldon and Penny are a beautiful friendship so I love your username.

😀 Thank you.

I think the problem is that often the guests can’t tell the difference between a £15,000 wedding and a £25,000 wedding. Mostly, they won’t be able to tell the difference between a £25,000 wedding and a £50,000. I’ve been to a $250,000 wedding; difference in cost to a £50,000 wedding was twice the number of guests and the world-famous venue. Everything else was per usual and largely forgettable.

This is because:

• the cost of x country house could be x4 the cost of y country house, but this would all be down to location or venue size and no single guest will care much for the former once they’ve got there, or at all about the latter

• no guests other than the four or five concerned are going to care whether the bridal party’s clothes and accommodation are included or not

• few guests can tell the difference between a £10/bottle catered white wine and a £20/bottle catered white wine

• unless you go top end, often you can’t tell the difference between £25/head and £45/head for food

• few guests ever get to see the photographs or really look at the flowers

• few guests care how much the wedding dress cost, they will notice how the bride looks in it

Etc etc etc. Unless you blow an obscene amount of money so that your wedding is an entire experience otherwise unknown to mankind, spending more than a few grand doesn’t buy you anything much extra FROM THE GUESTS’S PERSEPECTIVE. It’s just a meal and loud dancing somewhere. You may as well do it at home.

"And there is definitely a tendency on MN to compete in terms of who had the most basic, joyless, inhospitable wedding" THIS THIS THIS with bells on.

I can never understand, on MN, why no-one gets judged for saying "we had a BYOB pot-luck picnic in the park wedding and all our guests who had to cook the food and bring their own alcohol loved it" when there are all the posts of "urgh I've been invited to a spectacular wedding in a castle where the B&G will have paid upwards of £250 for my food and drink, how selfish of them, now I'll need a travel lodge and a taxi".

So odd.

Anyway OP you are NOT being unreasonable and I agree with you wholeheartedly. People would descend like a band of vicious hyenas if someone wrote "AIBU? I've been invited to a 'wedding' in the local working men's club and don't want to go" but somehow it's fine to write snide, superior messages about 'fancy' weddings.

We had a big wedding by MN standards (but not by our social group's standards) which cost about £20k (excluding the rings and honeymoons). My mum and dad very generously offered £10k, and we paid the rest.

At the time we got married we owned (with mortgages) a BTL flat and a family home, were earning almost £200k between us and had very healthy pension pots. We didn't have to dip into our savings, we just paid the invoices. In short we could afford to put on a bloody good party and so we did.

It was a 2 day event over a BH (no doubt in MN-land that's hideously selfish as Bank Holidays are for 'family time') and we spent most of the money on things our guests would enjoy: the fizz, the booze, the desert bar, the live band, the DJ, the food, the next-day BBQ. We didn't spend anything on fancy bridal cars, or doves, or choreography for 'first dance' (although that's the B&G's prerogative, and fair play to them).

No regrets from us.

OP i agree with you when people pontificate about what other people should have done with their money it's just ugly jealousy. Lol-ing at all the posters saying "you sound defensive OP" and "maybe you started this post because you have regrets?". I always imagine these women to be stout PTA-types wearing fleeces and writing pious messages on MN before going back to bed with their bald, fat husband in their boring semi.

Well,that’s a big ole brag
Salaries✅
Loaded✅
Property & BTL✅
Sweeping self aggrandisement✅
Big self up as urbane affluent looker whilst everyone who doesn’t agree with your conspicuous spending is a fat frump in a Semi✅

Hey, what can I say shrugs Sometimes I'm even jealous of myself

I think you’re probably sitting in a manky trackie tap tapping a lot of “i is loaded”made up shite

Sometimes i enjoy pretending to be a commoner, it's true

@DexyMidnight your wedding sounds totally fab!! My friend is having something similar (3 day wedding festival) and I can tell you no-one is complaining! We can't wait to go to an amazing 3 days of fun, family, great food, champers and great times and yes they are footing the bill because they can. Nothing for them to be ashamed of. This also takes the financial pressure off the guests and it's so appreciated!! Why would anyone not want to go to a wedding like that!!

I’m with you OP. I just think if someone wants to spend x amount on their wedding then what does it matter to other people - whether that figure be a high or low one.

People say oh I’d never spend that much on a wedding yadda yadda yadda but I’ve found that unless you’re really thrifty and have a wedding at a registry office (totally nothing wrong with that) then it’s really hard not to spend thousands on the wedding, everything soon adds up even if the budget for each individual item is quite stingy.

Registrar booking fee £100
Registrar fees £500ish depending on where you are
Notice if intention £70 (£35 each)

In my opinion the two things worth really investing in are your rings and photography because they’re the things that do last longer than the day. You’re looking at another £1k-1200k for two rings unless you bargain hunt and go for something plain and simple (and potentially less long-lasting materials)

Most people want to spend their wedding day with friends and family and even if that’s narrowed down to the nearest and dearest, they could still be looking at 30 people at £50 per head is still another £1500 and that’s not taking into account venue hire (if there is a charge), outfits, evening food and entertainment. A lot of people say that you only need to go down to the registry office and yes you do but some people want a bit more detail and that’s ok.

Some people say get the dress off eBay/second hand etc but there’s no shame in choosing not to do this. I get the impression that people on mumsnet are the thriftiest folk ever and if you spend a £1 on unnecessary luxuries then you’re not very mature or financially savvy there also seems to be an attitude whereby the focus is more than the day than the marriage. That’s BS in my opinion, yes for some maybe. But just because someone would like a barn venue, a brand new dress and an eternity ring doesn’t mean they aren’t thinking of the marriage as a whole. It’s such a daft way of looking at things - typical mumsnet lol.

Talking about money and ones conspicuous spending is distasteful
Those who are affluent and have good manners simply don’t discuss expenditure,monies. They don’t need to
Unlike the braying middle classes who obsess about house prices,property,weddings

@willowpeach i agree - unless you're going to literally go to the registrar for £100 (or whatever it costs) and do the deed with zero fuss there are always attendant costs, and it's just a matter for the B&G to decide whether they spend £2k, £20k or £200k.

The funny thing about weddings is I found, when planning ours, that many of costs weren't unreasonable. If you took 100 people to a normal restaurant for three champagne, canapes, 3 courses, unlimited wine, and then port and cheese, how much do you think it would cost?! Same with the photographer: yes they're charging £1500 but there's two of them and it's a 12 hour day (plus travel) for them, not to mention all the digital editing work, and all the email admin. What hourly rate do you want to pay these people?

So yes, they're avoidable costs in the sense that you wouldn't incur them if you didn't have a wedding at all (or just did a no frills trip to the town hall) but if you want all your friends and family to come, and you want to feed and water them and have a celebration then you simply need to cough up. You can cut some corners and still economise, but there's no denying it's going to cost you.

@LipstickHandbagCoffee I don't think anyone on this thread is saying they discuss it outwith the thread. For the purpose of the thread, which is indeed discussing costs, I think posters may feel it is relevant.

@LipstickHandbagCoffee I'm very firmly middle class. Do you consider 'middle class' to be some kind of insult, by the way?

@scotmum1977 10/10 for understanding the context of my comments. I didn't come on a thread about UC and say "well i just can't see why this an issue when I have my ponies and my castle".

When we and our families were both financially comfortable (take note @lipstickhandbagcoffee!) what on earth do you want us to do with our money? Feed our wedding guests ALDI lasagne traybakes and jealously squirrel our money away like Golum so we can watch the miserly interest on it accumulate and then eventually die and leave it to our estate?

Imo you're fortunate enough to have money then spend it well and wisely and enjoy the good times with friends and family.