To think people are Cruel about big’ weddings?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

A few wedding threads have popped up this week. Awesome, as a 2019 bride I love a good wedding thread!

However, I’m shocked and bemused by the sheer disgust MANY people openly display towards big traditional weddings. I find them very rude and small minded!

No feelings spared - plain nasty comments and even name calling! Apparently anyone who pays more than £50 to nip down their local registry office is a total ‘MUG’ and terrible person? 🤔

These nasty opinions also seems to be one sided - no ‘big weddings’ reguarlh jump in to abuse smaller cheaper ones or make crass remarks- there are plenty of ‘I’d never spend £20k on a wedding- I’d rather lick a mouldy toilet seat’ commenters

But no (very few and usually only in retaliation to abuse)
‘I’d never have a tacky function room £1k wedding - I’d rather visit a public pool 🤢’

🤔 So I can only assume that either:
A- people having cheaper wedding are generally meaner
Or
B- the abuse of large weddings is actually driven by jealousy!

With our fail it sparks a big ‘race to the bottom competition’ between commenters trying to one up each other on ‘cheapeast possible wedding’ 😒 meanwhile I just sit here thinking ‘I like my castle wedding 😬’

EVERY TYPE OF WEDDING IS LOVELY!

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments?

• I do get that weddings need to be affordable but some people CAN afford to spend £10k+ on a wedding and that’s ok!

The bride and groom can choose the wedding they want ; big or small , it is up to them. What is very annoying ( in my opinion) is when they can't afford the wedding and pass the costs onto their guests or make it expensive to attend and hard to say no to. Some B&Gs appear to forget that they are hosts at their party and act as if the guests wishes and comfort are irrelevant.
Having said that I have been to loads of weddings and they have all been happy occasions.

I've never been to a wedding where guests are expected to pay for drinks OR a wedding with "night guests".

What hideous concepts!

Invite less people, make it smaller and more modest, but receive people properly.

Lisbon see I find this so strange, every single wedding I've been to has had separate day and evening guests and a pay your own bar. Perhaps a welcome drink on arrival and a few for the meal/toast but certainly not an all night free bar.

It must be a location thing as I am as shocked that people expect free bars and no separate guest lists as you are for the opposite.

Some B&Gs appear to forget that they are hosts at their party and act as if the guests wishes and comfort are irrelevant

This. In my experience, this happens more often at the more expensive weddings.

One very expensive wedding I went to 5/6 years ago was held in November - outdoors. Bride wanted a very particular theme, so the venue grounds were hired as they were 'perfect' for her, but with no thought to the guests comfort. There were only (beautiful) grade II barn-type structures for cover. No heating.

It looked incredible. Stunning decorations like lit trees, miles of hanging lanterns, tonnes of flowers and props, great band...sadly all us guests were completely freezing cold. Couldn't wait to leave. Hardly anyone was there still by 9pm.

That B&G are getting divorced now.

If you really want a traditional wedding, do what my grandparents did and get married in your parents' 'front room' by the minister. Very traditional when they did it back in 1918.

I go to a wedding or an evening do because I want to celebrate the wedding of good friends or family and be part of their special day. I'm not there for free food/booze, that's really not what it's about. If they had little or no money and couldn't afford to pay for all their friends to drink with them, what then? You wouldn't go and have a drink with them to celebrate because you'd have to pay for it? That is an even stranger concept of 'friendship' to me.

I'd like to think that most of my friends would rather be invited and have to pay for a few drinks than not at all because I've had to cut down my guest list so everyone on it can have a free bar.

Mydog. I said England but I understand that's what you meant. I'm in Scotland which is also the UK but in my experience is that a free bar isn't the norm in this part of the UK

Unfortunately it has become fashionable to virtue-signal your own frugality, especially on festive or feast day occasions like Chistmas (charity goat, anyone?) and weddings.

Often, the same people will buy unnecessary items year round on non-festive days. Coffee in paper cups, wine, magazines, books, holidays overseas, new-ish cars, beauty treatments, takeaways, gym membership, entertainment, gadgets, clothes/accessories/bags/makeup/shoes which aren't essentials, evenings out etc. Apparently that is normal and not a "waste" but someone else's carefully thought out wedding arrangements must be frowned upon!

I know couples who had larger-scale weddings which weren't tacky at all, just full of friends, family, generous hospitality and lovely food, flowers and surroundings. Just for one day in their otherwise modest lives.

Making catty remarks about other people's special occasion, whether large/small/to your taste/different to what you would do, comes across as unkind and bitter. It's also pretty unpleasant to suggest a larger wedding means a couple are attempting to compensate for something. Maybe they just chose what they'd like, and thought their guests would enjoy, as part of the day?

Ella I think you misunderstood me - I haven't refused to attend wedding such as you described; I've just never been invited to one with "evening guests" or paid bars.

Maybe it's just my social circle, but no one I know got married in those circumstances.

Yes, I do think having two tiers of friends is incredibly odd and being invited to a wedding without being present at the ceremony is odd (to me).

I'd rather have an intimate ceremony with my closest friends and family in a cheaper venue, than ask my guests to pay for their food or drinks. That would be my priority if I couldn't afford it.

As it is, I find most wedding related trappings unspeakably naff, so got married on a beach and blew cash on travelling and honeymoon instead. We're all different.

Free bars are becoming popular in Scotland too. Last 3 weddings I've been to had free bars. Couples offered it to save their guests costs - which was welcomed after paying for our outfits, presents etc. I suppose if you can afford it then it's great all round. If not then it's not worth getting into debt over.

One thing that is not terribly clear to me, is what people on this thread mean by 'big'

Lots of guests, but cheap and cheerful?

Or expensive?

I think in the context of this thread, the OP meant expensive.

Maybe not as the OP mentioned £25k which is expensive but not outrageous. I have s friend spending £40k which is crazy!!!

25k is ridiculous to me and I say that as someone who could pay that, just wouldn’t

you don't have to pay anything, but others are free to prioritise their weddings because they want to. I don't regret a penny spent on mine and it wasn't cheap. My dress was possibly ridiculously expensive, but I tried some cheap white dresses from high street stores, and they could not begin to compare.

Others see nothing in spending a fortune in cars, or whatever is their luxury. As long as you spend the money you have - not the money you wish you had - have the wedding of your dream. If your dream is a registry office and a sandwich platter from M&S, no one is stopping you.

I must admit, I don't like weddings generally

but with a big wedding, I don't go because - well, I don't really get it. A wedding is about friends and family, when I know I'm invited as an acquaintance, I think, well I don't need to be there and go through all the stress (introvert) and cost.

with an expensive wedding, unless it was a very close friend, I would be worried that nothing I could buy to wear or buy as a gift would match up and that I'd look like rubbish in a room full of expensive people, which would stress me out. in fact, that probably applies even it was a close friend - because they might not judge, but other people would.

It's very expensive to attend weddings as a guest and I can't see why anyone other than your very closest people would want you there, once when I was unemployed a friend offered to pay my train fare and hotel. I didn't accept but I really appreciated the offer.

I really hope I'm not invited to another close person's wedding again. The default for a not-close person is now "prior commitment". I wish them well, but can't see why I should spend money for an acquaintance - and also wonder if some of them are gift fishing or cash fishing.

I don't think that all women view their wedding day as a "dream day", but a means to getting married.

I don't think you can realistically compare an extravagant wedding to a luxury car because a wedding is just one day, and an expensive wedding dress is only going to be worn once. A luxury car will, hopefully, last you several years.

I would be worried that nothing I could buy to wear or buy as a gift would match up

fair enough you decide not to attend, but you really need to chill out! You can wear Primark at a Plazza wedding, as long as it's appropriate (and for god's sakes not white/cream/ivory!) no one cares, it's about the bride. Just don't do a Chloe Madeley and confuse a formal wedding with a beach bar.
I would never match a gift to the price of the venue, I am more than happy to help out a bit more a struggling couple but I wouldn't punish the ones who have chosen a cheaper venue and "reward" the ones who chose to spend more. What a strange concept.

"I would be worried that nothing I could buy to wear or buy as a gift would match up"

That wouldn't wouldn't worry me in the slightest. The other guests wouldn't notice or care what I was wearing, and I would only give what I could afford as a present regardless of the type of wedding.

GenerationSnowflake "I would never match a gift to the price of the venue"

goodness, I don't mean that!! I mean, whatever I can buy as a gift, I'd worry it wouldn't seem good enough.

add on the other costs and it's just easier to say no.

PS what is "plazza"?

'Same white/ivory dress, silly little favours that get chucked in the bin, bridesmaid dresses, suits and ridiculous waistcoats, flowers and invites and tacky photobooths and those giant light up letters that seem to be the "in" thing at the moment'

But how can people know you have a quirky vintage style if your wedding isn't identical to everyone else's

PS what is "plazza"?

the New York Plaza with a spelling mistake

All the posters who say they have never been to a wedding with a free bar where do you live?

Most of the weddings I have been to have had day guests and evening guests.

Me and DH only had our parents and siblings at the register office and then 100 guests for the evening reception. We didn't want anyone else at the ceremony.

We actually originally wanted just us, parents and siblings at register office and then go for a meal in a nice restaurant. DH's mum kicked off at that and said we should invite other family (aunts, uncles, cousins) etc. We stuck to our guns about the ceremony but gave in about the reception