To think people are Cruel about big’ weddings?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

A few wedding threads have popped up this week. Awesome, as a 2019 bride I love a good wedding thread!

However, I’m shocked and bemused by the sheer disgust MANY people openly display towards big traditional weddings. I find them very rude and small minded!

No feelings spared - plain nasty comments and even name calling! Apparently anyone who pays more than £50 to nip down their local registry office is a total ‘MUG’ and terrible person? 🤔

These nasty opinions also seems to be one sided - no ‘big weddings’ reguarlh jump in to abuse smaller cheaper ones or make crass remarks- there are plenty of ‘I’d never spend £20k on a wedding- I’d rather lick a mouldy toilet seat’ commenters

But no (very few and usually only in retaliation to abuse)
‘I’d never have a tacky function room £1k wedding - I’d rather visit a public pool 🤢’

🤔 So I can only assume that either:
A- people having cheaper wedding are generally meaner
Or
B- the abuse of large weddings is actually driven by jealousy!

With our fail it sparks a big ‘race to the bottom competition’ between commenters trying to one up each other on ‘cheapeast possible wedding’ 😒 meanwhile I just sit here thinking ‘I like my castle wedding 😬’

EVERY TYPE OF WEDDING IS LOVELY!

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments?

• I do get that weddings need to be affordable but some people CAN afford to spend £10k+ on a wedding and that’s ok!

It's called being the bigger person. Turning around and mocking someone's cheap coat just because they mocked your expensive one isn't okay just because they said it first.

Take the high road, stand up for yourself without resorting to throwing out the same insults you are complaining about others making.

You've essentially done all over this thread the same exact thing you are upset about other people saying to you. Whether it's a reaction to someone else or not it doesn't make it okay.

And someone having one of those cheap embarrassing weddings you talked about coming here and reading what you wrote about their choice of wedding could be just as hurtful as you find the people mocking yours.

It's no better than what your original OP was calling out.

But lots of people make rude, nasty comments about inexpensive weddings as well. Some on this thread and the rest of Mumsnet and some to our faces. I don't think people are particularly nasty of big weddings than they are about anything else. I certainly don't think jealousy is the main or only reason people might not like big weddings anymore than jealousy being the main or only reason people might not like holidaying in Dubai.

Yeah, people say not nice things and I can see a push for people to be nicer and less judgement around weddings, but you're likely noticing the rude comments about big weddings more because that's what you want to treat yourself, just as I probably notice the joyless/embarrassing comments more because I had a tiny wedding and that brought those kinds of comments.

We all dealing with shite, it sucks, but there is no need to assume people are particularly cruel or are in any way jealous to be shitty. People can be shitty for all sorts of reasons.

Mangoo has it spot on.

tatty I'm from Scotland too and like you I haven't found a paid bar to be a normal "thing" with weddings. A glass of fizz as the couple get their picture taken and wine on the table for dinner but paid bar afterwards.

I couldn't care less what people spend on their weddings. If people can afford a 20k wedding without getting into debt for it, then brilliant. Even if they do, that's their lookout.
I seem to know a lot of people getting married.., and have been to at least one wedding a year for last 10 years. Some have been cheap, some have been very expensive, but have enjoyed them all, mainly because the bride/groom have been my friend/family, so enjoyed celebrating their special day whatever form it took.

Just have whatever sort of wedding you want and ignore everyone else's opinion on your personal choices.
Personally I loathe weddings. Formal, stuffy, unfunny/embarrassing speeches that your guests can't wait to be over, tepid food with little or no choice, minimal free drinks/paying bar, hanging around while a photographer 'organises' people. I got married (for the first time) in my 40s and and what I thought my guests would enjoy def impacted the type of wedding I chose.
BUT that's because my friends and family secretly don't like weddings either.....not that they would be rude enough to say so. I wanted a celebration with family and friends so most of the cost were food and drink 😀.
My mum and dad were horrified that I decided against a photographer until I asked them when the last time they looked at their wedding photos was. Men's ties were also banned.

But that's me, it's your day and your guests - do whatever you and your guests will enjoy. Have a wonderful day and enjoy the honeymoon. And totally ignore all the comments about divorce (if we all thought like that no one would ever get married!!!)

Well, it's not really the done thing to insult those poorer than you, and having a £1k wedding is often out of necessity whereas a £20k wedding is clearly a choice from a place of privilege. The privileged tend to avoid insulting the less privileged.

In other words, just ignore it? Do what you want to do... I don't see why it offends you so much that some people find that level of expenditure a little grotesque.

I'd been to two extravagant weddings shortly before I started to plan my own, one had a budget of £25,000 just for flowers. I found both completely impersonal. I don't enjoy being the centre of attention but wanted to be married before we began our family. We had a tiny wedding with just immediate family and closest friends followed by a meal in a good restaurant. It cost less than £1,000. 23 years later both the couples whose weddings I attended are long divorced. I'm now mortgage free and drive a brand new car in my mid 40s.

We don't have children (yet) but we are joined financially (joint mortgages, bill accounts etc.).

We've also had solicitors sort out various bits of paper so we are as good as married in a legal and financial sense. I've honestly never understood why people are so obsessed with a wedding and engagement etc.

I think getting married is historically, horribly sexist plus until 1991 in the UK raping your spouse wants even illegal.

My ideal has always been someone I am equal to. My DP and I are exactly that, partners. Plus I have seen so many people put so much emphasis on the wedding that the actual relationship part is forgotten. Also, never understood the "best day of your life" nonsense.

you MUST have a free bar and if you can't afford it you should invite fewer people. I can only assume that this is an English thing?

paid bar are more an English thing that the other way! The only weddings I attended with a paid-bar were the showy type, overly fussy and clearly only focused on appearances and were in England. It would be the high of rudeness in many countries.

I wouldn't charge my guests for their drinks when they come for diner, so I am not sure why it would be acceptable to do so for a wedding. That said, some posters find it normal to charge guests for Christmas diners and so on, so I clearly live on a different planet than some and thank god for that

I do think people who can't really afford it are crazy to spend so much on things like table decorations and party favours etc but obviously it's their choice and doesn't effect me. I do privately think they've maybe been a bit too influenced by peer pressure and marketing though.

The thing I really do dislike though is when people basically seem to want to be the star of their own personal red carpet event for the night and expect their guests to be the adoring fans who are just so grateful to be invited. I do hear people saying "it's my day, I've paid £150 a head" as justification for showing friends and family astonishing lack of consideration.

Surely you'd rather have a more modest wedding than put out friends and family by using up their leave or pressuring them to spend beyond their means on expensive accommodation. etc.

never understood the "best day of your life" nonsense.

because it can be
Maybe not the very best day of your life, thankfully we all have quite a few of those, but one of the very best - you are marrying the love of your life, you get to see all your nearest and dearest, look amazing, in a stunning setting, have a fabulous party, what's not to like! It's even more special because it's only ONE day. You can have many luxury holidays, great parties, win several awards or prices if you compete in something, but you will only have ONE wedding (well, at least that's the idea!)

Best day ever!

I don't think I've ever been to a wedding with a free bar! I'm N of England working class and most of the weddings I've attended have been of the same ilk, and it just didn't seem to be a thing up here. One of the things I've always factored in to attending any wedding is how much I should take for drinks.

Weddings are pretty tedious, in general, so if they are big and ‘vulgar’ it just adds to the pain. The trend for big garish weddings is pretty recent too.
I think some people get fed up with them if they are not close friends (me) or if they have past their 20s........

I've never ever been to a wedding with a free bar! Not that there is anything wrong with having one if it can be afforded but I've never thought to look down just because I've had to pay for a few of my own drinks.

I thought it was pretty standard to be honest. Perhaps it's an area thing.

twatty, yes in the UK. Born in London and lived there for about 40 years. A lot of the weddings I have been to have been in London.

I know when we were planning our wedding DH said he had been to a couple of his cousins' weddings and had to pay for drink. He said he found that odd and didn't want that for our wedding. His cousins lived in Lincolnshire

I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar (American - not really the done thing). I don't understand why you wouldn't just have fewer people.

I am used to a free drink of bubbly for toast and free wine on the table. But everything else drink wise you pay for.
I am also used to all ages being at a wedding, and I am not sure it would be a good idea for the some of the 18 and 19 year olds if there was a totally free bar.

I've never ever been to a wedding with a free bar

Lol! My ex colleagues got it into their heads that there was a free bar for our evening reception. There was a buffet with alcohol available but the bar wasn't free!

When we got back from our honeymoon, my BIL (the best man) told us that he'd had to cover their bar bill for £150. We obviously reimbursed him.

I've never been to a wedding with a free bar either, so I couldn't understand why they would think that was the case.

I can understand it in America more, you have a very different culture around alcohol consumption.

I can understand it in America more, you have a very different culture around alcohol consumption.

Perhaps - I think food is much more our vice than alcohol.

Mind you, I've nicely adapted - I drink so much more since I moved to the UK. I used to struggle to finish a glass of wine at dinner parties and sob inwardly as my hostess refilled it.

From going through a wedding and a divorce soon after- I simply wouldn't want people to waste perfectly good money on completely unnecessary things.
So many people go into debt to have the 'perfect' wedding when a registry office (or simple religious ceremony) would do. If you both love each other then the other stuff isn't needed.
And it seems like it becomes a competition when everyone is getting married, who can have the best wedding or hen do and most of those are now getting divorced or separating too.

Only been to one wedding with a free bar and that was a very nice surprise. Would never expect it.

Each to their own.

We did ours as cheaply but as tastefully as we could on our budget, and then blew an obscene amount on our honeymoon (6 months travelling).

It’s all about priorities. I try to avoid getting myself invited to weddings if at all possible, I’ve only ever really been bothered about my own.