To think people are Cruel about big’ weddings?

[MrDarcyWillBeMine]

A few wedding threads have popped up this week. Awesome, as a 2019 bride I love a good wedding thread!

However, I’m shocked and bemused by the sheer disgust MANY people openly display towards big traditional weddings. I find them very rude and small minded!

No feelings spared - plain nasty comments and even name calling! Apparently anyone who pays more than £50 to nip down their local registry office is a total ‘MUG’ and terrible person? 🤔

These nasty opinions also seems to be one sided - no ‘big weddings’ reguarlh jump in to abuse smaller cheaper ones or make crass remarks- there are plenty of ‘I’d never spend £20k on a wedding- I’d rather lick a mouldy toilet seat’ commenters

But no (very few and usually only in retaliation to abuse)
‘I’d never have a tacky function room £1k wedding - I’d rather visit a public pool 🤢’

🤔 So I can only assume that either:
A- people having cheaper wedding are generally meaner
Or
B- the abuse of large weddings is actually driven by jealousy!

With our fail it sparks a big ‘race to the bottom competition’ between commenters trying to one up each other on ‘cheapeast possible wedding’ 😒 meanwhile I just sit here thinking ‘I like my castle wedding 😬’

EVERY TYPE OF WEDDING IS LOVELY!

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments?

• I do get that weddings need to be affordable but some people CAN afford to spend £10k+ on a wedding and that’s ok!

Andromeida59 if you have children and are not financially independent than there are legal benefits to being married, but if that is not the case then if marriage holds no meaning for you then you shouldn't get married. I don't think religion has anything to do with it. A lot of people who aren't religious still find that marriage holds some kind of significance for them. No need to be quite so cynical.

My only regret was that we didn't have a photographer.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira

Why do you give a shit if you're happy with your wedding size? If you have the money and it's what you want to do, then crack on.

There are plenty who DO have money but believe in doing things in a mmire circumspect way. It’s not really about money.

a more

I'm only here to say that I totally agree with the OP:

expensive wedding = "tacky and vulgar" and "the more expensive the wedding the sooner the divorce".

This place is eye wateringly predictable...

Have a good wedding day. 25k isn't that bad and it's nobodies business what you're spending as long as you can afford it!

Time after time I see on threads like this people stating that you MUST have a free bar and if you can't afford it you should invite fewer people. I can only assume that this is an English thing? I'm 38 and have never been to a wedding with a free bar. I've never heard of anyone having a wedding with a free bar amongst my friends and acquaintances either. Maybe it's because I'm one of those (unlikely to have taste) working class people though.

I'm unmarried and not particularly bothered about ever being married so I don't have a dog in any particular race but I don't think it's unreasonable to provide your guests with a meal and a drink to toast but expect them to pay for their own drinks otherwise.

Incidentally I've never been to a "big" birthday, anniversary etc with a free bar either.

@Strokethefurrywall hear hear.

Also, what are people counting as wedding coats anyway? My partner’s outfit will probably cost $1000/£800 but mine will be about half that. What about the cost of printing of place cards? We’re also counting the cost of subsidizing a few family members to attend our wedding as well. It totally varies based on location, guest list, the couple being married, etc.

Time after time I see on threads like this people stating that you MUST have a free bar and if you can't afford it you should invite fewer people. I can only assume that this is an English thing? I'm 38 and have never been to a wedding with a free bar. I've never heard of anyone having a wedding with a free bar amongst my friends and acquaintances either

This shows how everyone on MN is different and has totally different views and expectations about what they feel is and isn’t important in a wedding. I am someone who wouldn’t dream of asking guests to pay for drinks and would absolutely downsize my wedding to ensure I covered all drinks as to me that’s part of hosting my guests, for other people it isnt . I would (and did) exclude shots, champagne other than what we provided and possibly whisky but would never ever ask guests to pay for their own drinks. Wine, beer and soft drinks would always be completely covered by us.

Again I’ve only ever been to one wedding where there was a paid bar and in my family and amongst friends it would be a big surprise to have to pay for drinks.

The more expensive the wedding the more likely there is to be a Bridzilla.

@strokethe
@Jings

I think that what people include in ‘total spend’ is a very interesting topic, well raised @jings

I’ve known people say ‘we only spent £5k’ and then go on to describe a £12k wedding but they;
A- didn’t include family contributions
B- are estimating everything and didn’t actually keep track
C- randomly aren’t including the honey moon/ invitations/entertainment ... or similar, because they don’t think that’s ‘part of the wedding really’

They’re up on their high horse about how reasonable their wedding was but it’s not correct at all!

Equally I find those whose ‘aunt’ made the cake and cousin is a ‘DJ’ and Uncle Bill owns a venue and best friend is a photographer - so they got their £20k wedding for £5k and now feel they can preach to others! With no acknowledgment that others don’t have this available to them!

DP and I earn 6 figures so I don’t go on threads about poverty/struggling and tell people they need to be more frugal- I accept my own privilege!

Equally the wedding industry is a pivotal part of UK economy!
People may think it’s insane for someone to spend £25k on a wedding but how many small businesses/venue jobs and such rely on it?

Our wedding planner is a early twenties PT student doing her best to build a career that according to MN 🙄 shouldn’t exist!

Our florist is a lovely ‘retired’ art teacher trying to get by! I’m sure our £1.5k will make a difference to her little business this year!

I have never been anywhere with a free bar either. I have been to weddings where a certain amount is put behind the bar and when that runs out you pay.

Our wedding 2 months ago genuinely cost a total of £250. I don't care if people spend a lot more. But we were not going to go into debt for one day.

AIBU to think that people need to just stop being trolls and making shitty negative comments

Pot, meet Kettle.

Believability
It's a social circle thing

I'm English and have never been anywhere with a free bar other than wedding where the couple have self catered so bought lots in for everyone.

When we planned our wedding the idea of having fewer guests so people can have free alcohol was only prominent on American wedding sites.

Most weddings I've been to you get some fizz and then wine with the meal and it's a bar for anything else.

Our florist is a lovely ‘retired’ art teacher trying to get by! I’m sure our £1.5k will make a difference to her little business this year!

Patronising much

People may think it’s insane for someone to spend £25k on a wedding but how many small businesses/venue jobs and such rely on it?

They may think that - it doesn't mean they are jealous, do you see?

Funny things I've seen people accuse others of being jealous about recently on MN:
Holidaying in Dubai.
DH's who watch porn.
Shaving one's lady-bits.

Does it never occur to the 'you're jealous' crowd, that there may be other reasons people aren't into something?

NC for this. Myself and DH had a big wedding and it cost around £60k all in. My family are well off and paid for most of it, it's the norm in my family's circles and I know a few couples who have spent much more than that.

OP it is jealousy.

People say big weddings cost more to attend - not in my experience. We had a free bar, the wedding was in central London (where we live), loads of food, didn't ask for any gifts, it was on a Saturday. Transport was paid for by us. IMO cheaper weddings cost more to attend as you're often buying your own drinks and taking leave from work as the weddings are on a weekday to save the bride and groom money.

In RL people aren't like the miseries on Mumsnet who bitterly claim you're "putting on a show" to paper over cracks or whatever. Most people would prefer to attend a properly catered lovely day than a BYO plonk on a Tuesday do.

The key is whether or not you can afford it. How you spend your money is entirely up to you.

twatty, I have only been to 2 weddings where there wasn't a free bar. My family and friends are certainly working class, none of them well off, and yet we all managed to have a free bar.

The 2 weddings that drinks weren't free were both big flashy weddings. I don't see why you would spend out on chair covers, favours, hand made crockery, photo booths etc and then expect guests to pay for their drinks.

When me and DH got married almost 40 years ago we literally had no money. We got married 5 months after meeting so little time to save. We had a very cheap register office wedding, reception in local hall. Us and our parents did all the food, flowers, decorations etc. My parents paid for our cake and DH's parents paid for a photographer.

We still had a free bar. No way would we not have done. Mind you none of our families or friends are big drinkers so not the types to take advantage

I need

OP, you said in another thread that you grew up very poor.

Is your wedding more about throwing off your roots and proving something to yourself?

Just because a lot of people wouldn't do it the way you are doesn't take anything away from you.

Jealousy is a rarer factor in disagreements than some people seem to think.

whereismymug It is all relative. In my social circle what you will see as cheaper weddings, are the expensive weddings that cost more to attend. Cheaper weddings in my social circle will I suspect be off your radar altogether.

It isn't always jealousy though...that's the point.

Saying oh they must just be jealous is implying big expensive weddings are the only proper way to get married and everyone secretly wishes they could afford to do that too.

But that isn't the case at all, there are plenty of people who really would rather get married on an island just them and their DP, or who would hate the attention a big wedding may bring, or who really would rather spend their money on something else and just don't care for the big expenses.

Just because someone's preference = less expensive than yours doesn't automatically mean they are jealous. Everyone is entitled to their own likes and dislikes.

Calling everyone jealous who wouldn't also spend 25k on a wedding even if they had the money is patronising and just plain incorrect.

@Amorea

I did grow up poor (owned home and good parents- but nothing to live on- don’t drink the milk because your younger sibling needs it kinda house)

So DP and I have done very well for ourselves and I consider myself a good person (regularly donate and volunteer as have allot of empathy for those struggling)

Given the recent horrible illness diagnosis of a parent we decided to treat ourselves with the wedding and honestly, I think we deserve that! But then I go on threads (to talk to other brides and swap ideas) and it’s full of nasty trolls just raining over the parade of big weddings!

The moment I call it out and say ‘look you’re no better than kids making fun of someone for having a more expensive coat 🤔😡’ or ‘well how would you feel if I was on here randomly slagging off cheap weddings?’

I’m accused of being ‘as bad’ - not sure that standing up for something that means a lot or you- against unprovoked nasty bullying is ‘as bad’ as being the bully!

Mydog are you in England? I'm just trying to work out if it's a regional difference. It's just not the done thing where I'm from as far as I'm aware. Possibly someone Scottish (where I'm from) will come along to tell me I'm wrong though!

Next time you make a comment about other people’s wedding choices - maybe imagine your child saying that to another child about their birthday party choices!

• if you would jump in with ‘that’s not very nice don’t say that’ DONT write it on MN 🙄