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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay in touch for the money

93 replies

Amorea · 04/01/2019 18:34

A close family member is quite rich. But they're also a toxic narcissist who was emotionally and physically abusive to me growing up. They are slightly more mellow now with age, and I have low contact with them.

If I'm honest with myself, I'm only keeping on good terms because of a sizable inheritance I'd get. If I went NC I'd get nothing.

Am I selling my soul? WWYD?

OP posts:

hendricksy · 04/01/2019 18:35

Yeah you are but you know that .. inheritance isn't for definitive anyway .. he may need it all for care or you may not be in the will. 🤷‍♀️

Pachyderm1 · 04/01/2019 18:36

Only you know if it’s worth it! I don’t judge you for it though.

mycatplotsdeath · 04/01/2019 18:38

I had no contact with my Toxic Nan for 30 years. She still left me money in her will. I didn't accept it but I don't judge others that did.

WineGummyBear · 04/01/2019 18:42

Is there an emotional cost to you incurred by staying in touch? If it's to the detriment of your wellbeing it may not be the right thing for you in the long run.

EmpressJewel · 04/01/2019 18:43

I admire your honesty. Not a lot of people would openly admit to that.

The only things to consider;

you need to be able to manage the relationship now without it affecting your wellbeing.
be prepared that you may not inherit anything. If they truly are a horrible person, they could leave their money to the donkey sanctuary. How would you feel?

missymayhemsmum · 04/01/2019 18:46

Staying in contact for the money is terrible.

Staying in low contact because family is family, forgiveness and being on good terms is your choice, and because going defiantly NC would hurt and inconvenience other people you care about more would be quite noble, though, and an inheritance would be a bonus.

Wauden · 04/01/2019 18:51

You are owed the money from the abuse you got, is my view. You deserve it.

user1511042793 · 04/01/2019 18:56

No issue with what you were doing. However our friends did the same only to find upon death there was no money but a fair amount of debt. Which they weren't liable for but it took ages to unpick.

TheBigBangRocks · 04/01/2019 18:57

I'd have walked and never looked back.

I'd not be able to look at myself in the mirror if I did something like that just for money. I'd rather have none and have my morals.

MakeAHouseAHome · 04/01/2019 18:57

I don't think there is anything wrong with this. If you think the contact is worth it for the definite inheritance then go for it.

Original poster

Amorea · 04/01/2019 19:18

Is there an emotional cost to you incurred by staying in touch?

Most of the time no, but sometimes contact brings back the past and I struggle emotionally. I try and use it to build my emotional resilliance.

If they truly are a horrible person, they could leave their money to the donkey sanctuary. How would you feel?

I think I'd deserve that, and it's their money, I wouldn't feel bitter. I am executor of their will though (at the moment) so I know what amount goes to whom, as such.

OP posts:

NewYear2018 · 04/01/2019 19:28

Look on it as compensation.

Consolidateyourloins · 04/01/2019 19:28

How old are they? That might inform my view.

InspectorIkmen · 04/01/2019 19:30

I would and I’d never judge anyone who did. And I’d very happily look myself in the mirror after the event too.
Take the money. Do something fabulous for you. Do not look back.

Original poster

Amorea · 04/01/2019 19:38

They are 68 this year, Loins. And I certainly wouldn't wish them anything but a long, healthy life.

Thank you for the replies, I totally take on board the criticism, I think I'd feel similarly if I was reading about it.

And thank you for the supportive posts, it means a lot. It's something I couldn't talk IRL about, so it's hard to know what others might or might not do.

OP posts:

freddiemercury · 04/01/2019 19:50

I would absolutely keep in touch for the money....

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 04/01/2019 19:52

I also admire your honesty.

it's their choice who they leave their money to. Accept that this could change though.
You are not coercing them into leaving you their money, you've done nothing wrong.
You deserve it after what you went through.

Onwardsandupdwards · 04/01/2019 19:54

I’m in the same position as you - judging from your post.

I’ve fucking earnt every penny & continue to do so!

Lemoneeza · 04/01/2019 19:55

I'm in a similar position. I consider it money I've more than earned.

Housingcraze · 04/01/2019 20:00

See it as earned compensation

FlamingosAtParties · 04/01/2019 20:23

I understand this.

Someone I know has been their parent's shoulder to cry on and support for the last 40 yrs. The parent is also a toxic narcissist and abusive.

The person has had enough of the effect of parent on their mental health and wants to distance. They are now a bit emotionally blunt towards parent. After 40 yrs of supporting their abuser, caring, crying, being torn apart but loving their parent too, they can't take anymore but feel if they distanced and went NC now, the parent would absolutely cut them out of the will without thought for the last 40yrs of support they have received from their offspring.

Person kind of needs the money and feels they deserve it. While it's hard to understand and sounds callous, and we can all moralise, I think it's understandable not to go NC to protect inheritance in these circumstances. I don't know if I'd do it or not.

Anothermothersusername · 04/01/2019 20:26

Yes I can understand why you would do it OP. And I don’t blame you.

Leeds2 · 04/01/2019 20:26

Also remember that the Will you are executor of may not be the latest Will. There may be another, later one of which you aren't aware.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 04/01/2019 20:32

It sounds like you could be a member of my family. We've got someone like that, my DSIS keeps in touch and I've cut him out. Some people have kept in touch and are really brown nosing and ours have cut him off.

It's upto you however I couldn't cope with it, it was so stressful being near him.

Original poster

Amorea · 04/01/2019 20:40

@WhenISnappedAndFarted your username made me laugh - one of my favourite Mumsnet posts! Did that ever turn out to be a typo?

Sorry for the off topic - back on topic, I'm really surprised that this isn't a rare situation. I can totally understand why you needed to go NC. It definitely feels like a more 'moral' thing to do.

I draw the line at brown nosing, that would feel manipulative to me. But maybe just being in low contact is just as manipulative of me?

OP posts:

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