To stay in touch for the money

[Amorea]

A close family member is quite rich. But they're also a toxic narcissist who was emotionally and physically abusive to me growing up. They are slightly more mellow now with age, and I have low contact with them.

If I'm honest with myself, I'm only keeping on good terms because of a sizable inheritance I'd get. If I went NC I'd get nothing.

Am I selling my soul? WWYD?

There's no guarantee you'd be left the money, is there, or have I misunderstood?

In any case, yes I would stay in touch whilst maintaining a healthy boundary which you are doing.

OP has said she's an executor and has seen the will so she has a fair chance of knowing what she'd get.

I don't however, agree with those who say you've 'earned it'. That to me is crossing a line and seems a very nasty way to look at things. Being in someone's life isn't work, it's a choice.

I think they meant it was deserved because of the abuse history, not just because OP simply chose to stay in contact. I would view it as compensation and nothing else.

I think your behaviour is disgusting. If you don’t like somebody then fair enough

I think it's a bit more than dislike when you are discussing a nasty abuser though, don't you?

I have a friend who saw her potential future inheritance as family money. A lot of it came to her father from her grandfather, and a fair chunk had been used to set her brothers up in business.

I think that was a fair approach, tbh. Not greedy, not disgusting. Just pragmatic.

I'll just be relieved the person in question is dead. Any money will be a bonus.

I would. But, be prepared that he may not even leave you anything-narcs have a way of lying about everything. I was promised to be left something by a narc relative who still uses that promise to control others. I couldn't be arsed with the bullshit, and know I'll get nothing now, but they could live another 30 years which means 30 years of toxic shit. No amount of money is worth putting yourself through that.
Of course if it's just a case of smiling at family gatherings and sending a birthday card, then I'd probably do it.

A lot of people here are calling the OP disgusting as if she is being deceptive to get the money fraudulently. Many shitty relatives use the threat of cutting a family member off for not doing what they demand. They are quite happy to buy compliance and company. It's their money to do with as they will. If they want to buy people's affections then they're not getting conned, they know the score. It could very well be the same situation for the OP and her relative.

totally up to you

when/if you get the money, will you spend it thinking "Yass, its all mine" or will it feel like blood money and not worth the abuse you suffered?

personally I wouldn't keep in touch for money but that's maybe why I'm always skint..I can look myself in the mirror though

Though as others have said, OP, don't count on the money though. My own MIL was the only family member to do a single thing for her mother who was one of the cruellest women I have ever met. She had 5 children, one of whom lived on the next street and only MIL was expected to do anything. She did all her care, her shopping, her cooking, everything. All she got back was abuse and insults. Maybe it is because caring for elderly parents is "woman work"? Ffs.

When she passed, the brothers all looked to MIL to organise the funeral and funeral tea. She also got the bills. The brothers cleared everything of value out of the house and the mother had already given her money to the 4 sons, leaving a token amount to MIL. All the brothers were pretty well off already. MIL wasn't.
MIL had been putting large sums of money into her son's (and their children's) accounts for the years leading up to her passing. MIL didn't know until she saw bank statements later.

personally I wouldn't keep in touch for money but that's maybe why I'm always skint..I can look myself in the mirror though

That's really nasty and unnecessary.

A lot of people here are calling the OP disgusting as if she is being deceptive to get the money fraudulently

The OP is being deceptive

I'd see it as fair comeuppance, but I'd always bear in mind they might change their will or that there was another claim made against their estate, or that they spent it all before they died, or they were so rotten to me in the future that I had to go NC and they change their will, and I'd come away with nothing. I think I'd always, always be weighing up if it was still worth it.

Good luck

Many thanks to those sharing their own and others' experiences, they're much appreciated.

Nothing is set in stone, of course and it's not a black and white situation, it's quite complex. I am trying to be honest with myself and weigh up the morality of it all.

Also, I could pop my cloggs next week and said relative could clamber for my assets

It’s a little rich to complain about the behaviour of a relative when your own behaviour is also deplorable.

It’s a little rich to complain about the behaviour of a relative when your own behaviour is also deplorable.

It's not quite on the same level though, isnit?

OP, I haven't read the whole thread, but I think you should do what you want to do, as long as you're able to handle the consequences of that. Some people would feel guilty; others would not. Neither is right or wrong, imo.

@JustABetterPlayer I don't think you've quite understood but thanks for your post.