Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay in touch for the money

93 replies

Amorea · 04/01/2019 18:34

A close family member is quite rich. But they're also a toxic narcissist who was emotionally and physically abusive to me growing up. They are slightly more mellow now with age, and I have low contact with them.

If I'm honest with myself, I'm only keeping on good terms because of a sizable inheritance I'd get. If I went NC I'd get nothing.

Am I selling my soul? WWYD?

OP posts:
Original poster
Amorea · 05/01/2019 13:41

True, I do think it's theirs so if they did, so be it - I wouldn't feel bitter.

OP posts:
Grace212 · 05/01/2019 13:55

my concern would be that they could easily make a new will...and they're already proven to be an awful person so that would seem quite likely?

trojanpony · 05/01/2019 14:33

I stay in touch with a relative like this.

There is likely an inheritance - possibly sizeable (£500k+) possibly very little (>5k), but I don’t stay in touch because of that. I do because it would upset my mother if I didn’t.

I like to think I am emotionally quite dead with regards to this relative but I’m not,and they still upset me sometimes. This year they did something shockingly cruel/callous to me which made think “enough!” However, my mother has guilted me back round in my mind

I try see them as a frail oldie who deserves pity and compassion rather than the controlling self-obsessed emotional bankrupt individual they are.

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 14:36

trojanpony "I try see them as a frail oldie who deserves pity and compassion rather than the controlling self-obsessed emotional bankrupt individual they are"

why?

ZigZagZombie · 05/01/2019 14:50

I wanted to add further to my previous post because actually the conversation I had with my therapist was more than 10 years ago.

I have since gone completely NC. Theoretically I could stand to inherit 500k. However I have received flying-monkey demands Hmm to divulge my address and contact details to their solicitor for provisions for my children.

So I take that to mean I'll be lucky to get a fiver and the kids will inherit a fucking fortune when they're 30!

At least I've not had to play nice with the fuckers.

trojanpony · 05/01/2019 15:20

It’s a really good question...

Because framing it that way makes it easier to put up with it?
I’ve distanced myself significantly (think regular calls and weekly in person visits down to 3-4 visits annually and a few texts)
This caused a fair bit of friction and I get a lot of “have you contact X lately? It would make me so happy!” From my mum. I think it’s easier to keep the peace.
I find it really distressing to upset my mum who is somewhat insistent on contact despite acknowledging the crappy behaviour is crappy.
(admittedly she in general has this sense she’s being “the better person” by “taking the moral high ground” while I’m looking at her thinking “there is no high ground, you’re being a doormat” Confused

Grace212 · 05/01/2019 16:17

trojan, that sounds so difficult Flowers

mrcharlie · 05/01/2019 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

potatoscone · 05/01/2019 17:47

mrcharlie

The abusive relative is the parasite in this situation and no one else.

toomuchtooold · 05/01/2019 18:02

@zigzagzombie that's what I think my mother will do - leave it all to our kids, in a trust or with some other provision to show the solicitor and the family that she doesn't like us make sure DH and I can't touch it. Which would be fine in my book. DH thinks she'll take the moral high ground or rather give the impression of doing so, by leaving me everything. I won't feel guilty if she does. I spent 35 years managing my bloody mother and would still be (reluctantly) doing it if she hadn't started her nonsense with my kids. I tried really hard to have some level of relationship with her, tried a lot harder than she deserved, but she just couldn't stop herself and now she's going to live out the rest of her life estranged from her only child and grandchildren. Consequences are a bitch...

Wauden · 05/01/2019 18:12

OP and those agreeing sound just like my siblings, BIL and SIL...all complete and utter parasitic scum. None of whom have got the bollocks to stand on their own two feet
Did you mean to be so rude?

Wauden · 05/01/2019 18:13

My last post was @ mrcharlie.

Original poster
Amorea · 05/01/2019 18:36

mrcharlie don't hold back, get it all out!

To be fair, I think they are projecting. I was raised by a nasty ass narcissist so it'd take more than that to ruffle a feather or two. Grin

OP posts:
trojanpony · 05/01/2019 20:47

@Grace212 Yup... that pretty much sums it
up!

evaperonspoodle · 05/01/2019 21:09

My DF had an uncle and aunt by marriage who were extremely wealthy (but very mean) and had no children. My DF and his DB were the only two likely candidates and I have a feeling that DF stayed in contact and offered assistance in their last days more than he would have if there wasn't money involved.

Anyway, DF and DB were summonsed to the house once in their final days and were told that they had made a living will. DF was discreetly rubbing his hands with glee. After much fanfare and lecturing about how they appreciated everything they had done for them they were handed envelopes and told to invest it wisely. They got £200 each Grin Aunt died first and within a few months uncle and it emerged that the inheritance was going to a really random charity, something along the lines of The Society for the Preservation of Dry Stone Walling, which they had never mentioned or had an interest in to our knowledge.

ZigZagZombie · 06/01/2019 07:52

toomuchtooold Your story sounds very similar to my own. I have gone above and beyond to accommodate until I finally grew a backbone and said "if you do this again, I am leaving immediately, checking in to a hotel and you will never see the children again" (I was living 100s of miles from them... wonder why?). I left. She's not seen her grandkids.

My children don't remember her at all but they did ask last year about my dad. So I arranged for him to fly in to a city near me and they had lunch with them and he hung out with them a few hours. He said he'd be back to visit them asap... that was nearly 9 months ago now.

I digress. From reading these boards it seems they can't leave some convoluted will, you know, film like "to my eldest daughter I leave all my possessions on the understanding that she devote her life to preserving my shrine. I hate her and everyone gathered here today knows that".

But I fully expect all the money to go into trust for the children which will become available TO them 15 years after they need it iyswim. 15 years after they need a deposit for halls, 15 years after they need a driving license, etc., etc.

Heaven forbid I waste it all on keeping a roof over their heads, providing for them or sending them to university.

TheOxymoron · 06/01/2019 09:11

I think your behaviour is disgusting. If you don’t like somebody then fair enough. You label all of their negative behaviours but your standards are in the gutter.
Don’t take from people you don’t like. Have some morals and dignity!
People that are out for what they can get disgust me. Earn your own money.

Original poster
Amorea · 06/01/2019 09:37

Thanks for your input Oxy. :)

OP posts:
Consolidatedyourloins · 06/01/2019 09:41

Someone's clearly jealous 🤣

DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops · 06/01/2019 09:57

Are you sure they'll leave you any? I'd stay in touch as long as you can handle the possibility that they may not do so.

I've a late uncle who had an exceptionally unpleasant but quite rich older relative. Uncles mum sucked up big time, including naming uncle after this bugger in the hope of £££. She got no money and uncle hated being called Cyril.

EvaHarknessRose · 06/01/2019 10:01

Put it to the back of your mind though, they are only 68 and you might be that age before you inherit.

And establish in your own mind now exactly what you will or won’t do for them as they become more vulnerable.

Pinkyyy · 06/01/2019 10:15

In all honesty it's your choice to do this, if it is not negatively effecting your life to stay in touch and if the money will be life changing then I can understand why you'd do this

I don't however, agree with those who say you've 'earned it'. That to me is crossing a line and seems a very nasty way to look at things. Being in someone's life isn't work, it's a choice.

Birdie6 · 06/01/2019 10:18

Staying in contact for an inheritance is ridiculous. You could spend all that time contacting someone you despise, and then they could leave everything to someone else, or to an animal refuge.

Winebottle · 06/01/2019 10:22

I would cynically calculate this.

How rich they are, the odds of them not leaving it to you anyway, the amount of necessary contact, how bad the contact is, the state of their health etc would all come into it.

AutumnCrow · 06/01/2019 10:30

Being in someone's life isn't work, it's a choice

Not when you're a dependant ie a child or young person, though.