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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay in touch for the money

93 replies

Amorea · 04/01/2019 18:34

A close family member is quite rich. But they're also a toxic narcissist who was emotionally and physically abusive to me growing up. They are slightly more mellow now with age, and I have low contact with them.

If I'm honest with myself, I'm only keeping on good terms because of a sizable inheritance I'd get. If I went NC I'd get nothing.

Am I selling my soul? WWYD?

OP posts:
Redglitter · 04/01/2019 20:47

If theyre only 68 they could be around another 25 years. Could you deal with contact with them for that length of time. And ofcourse they could change their will further down the line.

Depends how much contact you have how much it bothers you & how much you stand to inherit

Original poster
Amorea · 04/01/2019 20:55

Thanks Red.

The contact is low, usually via telephone.

Out of interest, what amount of money do you think would be reasonable to stay in contact for? As this is another point I guess.

OP posts:
luckylavender · 04/01/2019 21:06

Goodness, I find this so tasteless. No moral compass. Money corrupts.

Original poster
Amorea · 04/01/2019 21:22

Lucky, do you mean I'd be corrupted by inheriting? Or money in general is corrupting?

OP posts:
luckylavender · 05/01/2019 10:09

I mean selling your soul to stay with the money is repugnant.

MattBerrysHair · 05/01/2019 10:20

I find the critical posts sanctimonious and horribly judgemental. Walk a mile in someone else's shoes and all that........

Op, as has already been stated, if there is no negative effect on your wellbeing then do what you need to do. Unfortunately we live in a capitalist society and there's nothing we can do about that. I'm guessing that a lot of the posters who are criticising you haven't experienced financial hardship or emotional abuse at the hands of a relative.

shitholiday2018 · 05/01/2019 10:37

Yes i too admire your candidness. Of course it seems tasteless but I’d wager the OP is just voicing what many many people would also feel. i applaud your self honesty.

i wouldn’t judge you either, but would advise you properly protect yourself emotionally against someone who has already shown themselves to be entirely unworthy of your trust.

IAmRubbishAtDIY · 05/01/2019 10:41

I think as long as you are emotionally/mentally ok with the contact then carry on.

But maybe be aware that the thought of the money may cloud your thinking a bit and allow you to fall into accepting treatment you should not be accepting, and therefore make a really positive effort to do activities that are good for your mental health.

Storybarn · 05/01/2019 11:07

I knew someone who did this and when the time came discovered that they were left out of the will. It came as a shock to them but I wasn't at all surprised, it's the way a narcissistic works. If you only have low contact with this person and can manage your expectations and disappointment then maintain contact. However, remember it is not guaranteed you will inherit & up to you if you want to continue low contact or go nc.

possumgoddess · 05/01/2019 11:14

I have an elderly relative I probably keep in touch with more often than my siblings do for two reasons: I feel a sense of duty to do so as nobody else does, and (to be frank) because my parents told me about 25 years ago that he intended to leave what he had to me when he died. My personal circumstances have changed hugely since then and I am much more comfortably off, and I would not be surprised at all if he has changed his will since then, but I admit that it is a contributing factor to my keeping in touch. It would make things very much easier for us and would mean that I could help my children more, and it would mean I wouldn't have to work until I get my state pension when I am 69 which would make a huge difference as I am nowhere near that yet and am already struggling health-wise. However, having said all that I do like him and will be sad when he dies. I haven't seen him for several years and before then it would only have been about once a year, so I wouldn't say we are close, but he doesn't really have any other close relatives other than myself and my siblings.

Original poster
Amorea · 05/01/2019 12:10

@luckylavender would you find a parent who abuses their child equally, more so, or less morally repugnant than money?

I ask only from a genuine interest in the morality of the situation, and I'm glad you posted.

OP posts:
potatoscone · 05/01/2019 12:15

Honestly, i don't think you should be worried about the moral compass. If I could I would probably to the same.

Willbeatjanuaryblues · 05/01/2019 12:16

Agree with poster who said maybe some have no experience of abusive relatives.

I don't judge you op. Do what you feel you want too. It's not an ideal situation but that's life.
Sometimes money in this situation can be seen as small compensation.

Nothing can compensate anyone for being on the the receiving end of emotional abuse though so it could never be repaid. In that light it's the least you deserve

Morgan12 · 05/01/2019 12:21

Honestly for me it would depend how much money I stood to inherit.

ZigZagZombie · 05/01/2019 12:21

My therapist told me to take it - we're owed every single penny. Call it compensation or whatever.

luckylavender · 05/01/2019 12:28

A parent who abuses their child - what has that got to do with this question?

Original poster
Amorea · 05/01/2019 12:37

Thanks so much for the open minds, I'm genuinely touched. It's especially helpful to hear from others who have also suffered; though I'm sorry for your experiences Flowers

I think if the close relative did anything really shitty, I'd have no dilemma and go NC, sod the inheritance.

But if it carried on like it is now, it's not too detremental.

No amount of money could un-do what's been done, but if it makes any difference to opinions on this, I'd stand to inherit a six-figure mount.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amorea · 05/01/2019 12:38

@luckylavender it's everything to do with the question, sadly. Should be clear from my OP but I can clarify if you have questions.

OP posts:
Wigglywagglyworm · 05/01/2019 12:45

Take it as long as it has no negative affect on your mental health. They are still relatively young though. Does your phone call make them happy? If so then I would look at that as another reason to stay in touch. For them, the company and for you the money.

Didiusfalco · 05/01/2019 12:46

No judgment from me whatsoever. My only concern from reading your post is how much it might affect your mental health and that you are happy with the amount of contact should it turn out that all money goes on care or the will has been changed. 68 is really not old - you could have decades to go, is that manageable? Would you live a happier life if you were no contact? Is that worth more than the money?

GOTBackThisYear · 05/01/2019 12:46

Go for it. As long as you're not pushing a family member out who actually does care.
Many people stay in contact with absolutely vile members of their families for the ridiculous reasons of fear, obligation and guilt. At least you have an actual, tangible reason.

heiheithechicken · 05/01/2019 12:51

For a 6 figure sum. Yes Blush

Wauden · 05/01/2019 12:54

I get where you are coming from Flowers. I do hope that you get a nice big inheritance; no amount of money recompense matters, but you would deserve every penny.

potatoscone · 05/01/2019 12:58

A parent who abuses their child - what has that got to do with this question?

Really?

drowningincustard · 05/01/2019 13:00

I could quite happily live with it - perfectly happy with my moral compass.
But I think you really need to be prepared that you won't inherit.
These kind of people really won't have any loyalty to you and would quite easily disinherit you and you would never know...