AIBU To think the Family Court is not fit for purpose?

[Notwiththeseknees]

The Judge has seen fit to name Ellie Yarrow, the mother who has fled with her three year old son. Reading the heartbreaking letter from Ellie that her sister posted on Facebook, AIBU to think that this secretive court who are responsible for some dreadful decisions, is no longer fit for purpose.

www.facebook.com/1311698241/posts/10216464513147988/

Her letter is heartbreaking
And I believe every word of it

There's nothing on the FB link that will cause any concern.

There's nothing on the FB link that will cause any concern.

Sadly there are not enough checks, courts have failed children many times and they have been placed with an abusive parent, we see it in the media where children have been abused or even murdered by the adult they were placed with.

I am concerned about Family Courts, indeed any courts, doing things in secret. That allows for corruption and bad justice.

Lots of things done in our name don't seem to be right to the normal man on the Clapham omnibus.

I HAVENT read the story but the posts on here, what I’ve read on MN and my own experience are enough to agree family court not fit for purpose. Whoever said they have no bloody idea has got it spot on. The system allows abuse to continue even perpetrates it itself!

As someone who has “suffered” but mildly in the context of this mother my heart goes out to her. I hope by being made public somehow she gets the support she needs.

My x wanted the full custody, used contact throughout the divorce process to intimidate and abuse me and my kids were 14 at time. Now process is over couldn’t give a shiny shit about whether he sees them unless it suits him. Sadly for them the fact that ows family is not local means they haven’t seen him over xmas - the damage this does to me will never be healed. And the fucking courts allow it all- how can a parent who is abusive to a child’s mother be capable of having any sort of relationship with anyone never mind a child who is incapable of distinguishing between abusive & healthy behaviour.

*What kinds of checks and balances are made to ensure that these courts are made accountable for poor decision making.

Seriously? Are you not aware that there is a whole appeal system?*

That relies wholey on the person who has just been dragged through the mill to throw themselves through it once again.

What internal checks and balances are made to ensure, for example, that a lack of legal aid doesn't leave one party at a massage disadvantage to their abusive partner, who happens to be a lawyer?

And also systematic checks, based in principles, and changing principles and their outcomes and also fairness, that don't necessarily relate to one individual case?

Thanks for assuming I'm an idiot though.

I actually think if a father physically abuses his spouse or child he should not have access to the child. There is overwhelming evidence that conflict is far worse for the child than keeping a relationship with both parents. However the current ‘kids must have both parents’ lobby does not want to acknowledge what’s best for the child.

In this case it’s clear the dad abused his partners. What’s best for his child is to remove himself from their lives and let the mum bring her child up without the added stress and torture of threats and court cases.

When I read the article about her I thought there must be more to her story. That letter has the ring of truth and I believe her.

DAMAGE TO THEM

Some of that letter is a bit odd. For instance:

"I had to bring my son home 3 days early from a family holiday to Florida at Patrick’s insistence and the courts disgusting decision. It cost my mum hundreds for new flights and missed days, What father that loves his child would want their child to miss family holidays!"

If she booked a holiday at a time when her child was due to see his father, she's not exactly in a strong position.

Also, is there any independent evidence of the allegation that the father wants his son put into care? There's no mention of it in the reports I can find, and I suspect that may be a misunderstanding of the advice the mother has received about the effect of a guardian being appointed. It certainly isn't true that the appointment of a guardian automatically goes hand in hand with a foster care arrangement.

The reports indicate that she disappeared before giving evidence. If you don't use the opportunity that the system gives you to set the record straight, unfortunately you aren't helping yourself.

green I agree, a man that’s abusive to his wife/partner is a huge risk to his children. It makes me angry when people say “well he only hit his wife, hasn’t laid a finger on his children”, someone who is capable of abusing a woman is capable of abusing anyone.

I know of a case that went through family courts, I was a part of it (I don’t want to give away too much detail), a mother was in court to have her children taken away from her, she suffered from depression, the kids were neglected due to the abuse her ex had given her, ex had moved out and things got worse, the court wanted to place the children with their father but they did no checks on him, they didn’t even see him with the children, yet the mother was observed daily with her children, watched like a hawk by social services, the father was allowed to take the kids for a weekend and was never observed by social services. He was verbally abusive towards them and occasionally physiclly but the court was not aware of this as no checks had been carried out. Why were so many checks carried out on the mother? Because concerns were raised? Why were no checks done on the father?

I could barely bear to click on this thread.

I am a lawyer, albeit in a very different field and I have been shocked by how naive the family court system is about abusive and controlling men. I can totally understand why someone would have no choice but to run.

My son made a disclosure about his dad doing something that risked his life, he told me and he told school. But dad denied it and social services and cafcass both kept telling me “it’s your word against his” without ever speaking to my son. Luckily the judge had more sense and got dad to admit he did it but it was a terrifying and horrifying time

I hope she's abroad and building a new life for her and her son.

Remaining in hiding here in the UK doesn't seem feasible long term now her photo is out, especially if(?) the police are involved. I'm not sure if they are but the father's SM post from a few months ago suggests they were.

What the hell goes an almost 40yo man want with an 18yo girl to begin with, oh I know.. power imbalance.

Don't you think if the police and courts thought she was really a serious threat to the son that they would of released this information sooner? That strikes home to me that he really could be a manipulative and wealthy abuser who has finally got a judge to release the information.

Oh yeah and the Cafcass officer made sneery comments about my mental health problems - I became suicidal as a consequence of exH abuse and my psychologist helped me see what a mess he was making of my head. The courts are dreadfully naive and children are at risk.

Apppointing a legal guardian for child means to represent him in court right?
So not same as making him a ward of court or taking into care
So woukd be aimed at considering child

It sounds a mess but also she panicked...system may not be correct but it is a system...

It sounds a mess but also she panicked...system may not be correct but it is a system...

Yeah, like a Kafkaesque nightmare

That relies wholey on the person who has just been dragged through the mill to throw themselves through it once again.

The problem here is that she hasn't gone through the mill, as she disappeared without giving evidence.

*That relies wholey on the person who has just been dragged through the mill to throw themselves through it once again.

The problem here is that she hasn't gone through the mill, as she disappeared without giving evidence.*

That response was in reply to someone who despaired that I asked what checks and balances are in place on a family court and responded that the appeal system is the checks and balances.

It was not in reference to this particular case.

I agree she panicked. When you're in the middle of it you can't think clearly.

It's probable the court did see her ex for what he was but they were in the middle of the court process and if was for the court to resolve.

I've been reading articles about this and they state she hasn't used her bank accounts since she went off radar in July.

How will she be able to support herself and her son financially, work and have access medical care etc? I would hope she's got some loyal friends / distant relatives making sure they don't go without.

Lovemusic - why am I not surprised by what you have said - I too suffer with depression - for duration of 20 year marriage although diagnosed before - I was told depression is a symptom of an abusive relationship - and i never thought my marriage was abusive until it ended - yes there were issues but I thought these were “normal”

JUdge told me my depression would be better once divorce over and I could get back to fulltime work after not working for 20 years! Twice during divorce process I’ve be under MH team - right now I a pretty severe and back to Gp next week. X agreed i was fit enough for work but then refused permission fro me to take kids on holiday for two weeks accompanied by another adult due to depression.

The courts need bringing up to speed on MH as well! Absolutely disgusting the way I was treated in court even knowing my vulnerability

Yes, Mum, that was my point earlier. I don't think the judge thinks she will harm her son intentionally but being on the run with no access to income, healthcare etc is unlikely to be good for her or her child.

It's frightening how MH is used as a stick to beat parents with. It's wrong how some parents with anxiety or depression are stigmatized as being incapable. Some of the best mother's I know have had brushes with minor mental health problems.

I thank my lucky stars that my DC's father isn't the sort to drag me through court and use mental health against me. It wouldn't be hard to portray me as "unstable" on days that my anxiety disorder is bad.