AIBU To think the Family Court is not fit for purpose?

[Notwiththeseknees]

The Judge has seen fit to name Ellie Yarrow, the mother who has fled with her three year old son. Reading the heartbreaking letter from Ellie that her sister posted on Facebook, AIBU to think that this secretive court who are responsible for some dreadful decisions, is no longer fit for purpose.

www.facebook.com/1311698241/posts/10216464513147988/

@strivingforjustice I'm so sorry - it sounds absolutely horrific. I hope you and the children are in a much better place (literally & mentally) now.

If I bumped into Ellie in the street, I'd go straight to the nearest cash point & get out cash to my limit for her.

Do all the people saying they would help Ellie Yarrow financially or otherwise if they had the chance realise they would be putting themselves in danger of contempt of court proceedings? I wonder if they are really prepared to risk that?

I think it's pretty obvious they/we do know that.

I live in the same area as Ellie.
I think her letter rings all too true because there is some very specific stuff in there which is just too realistic and detailed to beade up.

At the same time she's done the wrong thing in running off as she's made a difficult situation worse. It's going to make her look bad when she doesn't need that.

I suspect she's either gone abroad under false details and is being funded by someone. Or is under false details in the UK. whatever the situation it's likely she will be discovered eventually.

SaturdayNext , AND ALL OTHER CRITICAL COMMENTS -

Nobody and I mean nobody can comment on this poor woman and her sons plight, unless you have been in abusive relationships and gone through the Family Court Sysytem. Reading all the would be Miss Marples reading her harrowing letter, giving their two penneth as to 'well if she was supposed to be back from her holiday' , a system is a system etc...
This is a desperate woman , who has been at the hands of the worse type of abuse from somebody using their professional status to discredit her. His history and predilection for extremely young women speaks for itself.
I can tell all of you how terrifying it is when inadequate legal advice is dispensed, told of all these awful outcome probabilities , you are desperately frightened for yourself , facing your arrogant, deluded , aggressive abuser in court, who is getting off on having their supreme moment of control. But you are more desperate for the future well being of your child and yourself.
'He was trying to make her look unfit as she took Citalopram' - No wonder this woman was systematically abused, she would have extreme anxiety / depression.
This woman is not lying. She needs support. I have felt for years a more proactive stance is needed to change the abhorrent laws regarding the family court.
Not many women are strong enough to keep turning up to court unsupported to go through this , in an unsafe room with no protection.

I am shocked by how few messges there are on this thread, yet I have seen them run into 1000's for completely mundane comments.

My feeling is that a movement should be started and a march or presence in say London in Ellie's name nd all other women in this situation to garner publicity for this dreadful system and for the laws to be changed and serious reforms to take place in the family court system. Including changing a lot of the pious views of some of those presiding over the decisions.

Strivingforjustice you brave and courageous women. Unless you have experienced it, or know somebody who has, you have no idea what happens, and how abused mothers are treated at the hands of a misogenistic and out of touch Family Court System.

MrsFoxPlus4 - This happened to me when I went back to my home to try to retrieve mine and my childrens belongings , he was screaming down the phone at me from a skiing holiday how he was going to get soemone round to me if I didn't leave the house' after a tip off from one of his associates who saw me go inside.
This woman is not lying. My heart breaks for her and her son. Please god she is safe, well and able to begin a new life for herself.

this system must be changed.

Notwiththeseknees Thank you for your kind words , yes my children and I are settled, well and happy but I am rarely off guard.

These experiences and the decisions as a parent we feel forced to take in the interests of the well being and safety of our children last forever.

It never ceases to amaze me how all these judges, magistrates and so called professionals constantly try to say it is damaging for a child not to have contact with an abusive, unsuitable , uncommitted, irresponsible parent. Yet children lose fathers to illness and injury etc nobody says that will be irreparably damaged for life with the right nurturing and support. Funny that.

strivingforjustice my friend went through similar, very intelligent and quietly spoken lady, it broke her. Her ds is still having contact with his abusive father 5 years later as she is so scared of reverse residency, despite him being 10 now, and the presiding judge retiring. Her proven evidence was rejected, recommendations from the high court for supervised contact, rejected by this judge, a quite frankly unprofessional and dangerous CAFCASS guardian. She said it was like being abused all over again but worse. My friend added me onto a DV support group, and there are so many other mothers with the similar accounts, they can't all have it wrong. The Woman's Aid campaign for safe contact sparked by these abused women's experiences in the FC.

Because she is intelligent, the judge told he that she should have talked her way out of the abuse . Because the ex was abusive in court to the judge, I think the judge said that her ds was safe and secure with her. Yet he still ordered unsupervised contact with a clearly volatile and abuse man, if he is abusive to the judge, what do you think he will be to a 5 year old child!

Aeroflotgirl Thank you I just did what I felt was my responsibility as a mother to affect the future outcome for my sons wellbeing and life.
Yes you are so right and too many women give or a forced to give nasty pieces of work their children unsupervised. The child ends up confused, anxious or emulating the father, I have seen this.

Aeroflotgirl I am so sorry for your friends plight. If it were me I would break the agreement and the onus is on the father to then take her back to court, where she may be able to have her evidence re submitted, if the contact since the hearing has adversely affected her child . It is all a risk and all very difficult.
Womens Aid is amazing and I did not become aware of them until I was already in the court system but because I did much of the work myself I found their booklet very useful in explaining terminology and certain processes, however nothing can prepare you for it.

It has also sparked James Mumby to make recommendations for the FC, which they are yet to change.

Very interesting article, that sheds light onto the FC situation.

www.theguardian.com/society/2016/dec/22/revealed-how-family-courts-allow-abusers-to-torment-their-victims

I would agree I have a good friend going through just this at the moment she is made to face her rapist and abuser every court session, she is made to listen to "tellings off and dressing downs" for not speaking to her ex and sorting out care for her DD. Thank God her DD is older and can have her voice heard.

I would be happy to join, help out or be part of any sort of movement to address things for women who suffer coercive control and financial control and are trying to restart their life and their ex partner is using the court process to continue to abuse them

Thanks Strivingforjustice, my friend has had such a bad experience of the FC system, that she does not want anything to do with court now, it has really damaged her. She is waiting until ex gets bored, and contact is starting now to become less and less over the years. She is a lovely lady, and her son is like her thank goodness, her wonderful parenting is shining through to her son. He has good measure of his father, hopefully soon contact will stop on it's own because ex has become bored. He uses it as a form of control, as abusive men do.

Her ds is 10, there will be a time soon, whereby he will decide whether he wan't contact or now, the decision of the courts will be not as influential.

His abuse to ds now, as ds spoke to the Police about his sexually abusive behaviour (which was not taken further) has now taken an emotional turn, so EA towards the son, not sexual how it was before.

YANBU OP I have personal experience of family court, although not of the same issues (no DV) as highlighted on this thread.

The whole "justice" system serves users very badly indeed and seems to be be paralysed and unable to improve. This is just one branch of it, but there are many others.

Because it is done with secrecy, meaning abused mothers cannnot speak out, the FC can do what the hell they want, in a way that the criminal courts cannot.

In the Family Court system, there needs to be more transparency, a proper complaints procedure, and regular auditing and monitoring of cases and Judges. Judges should be made accountable for their decisions. Yes definitely the cross examination of the abused mother by their abuser, needs to stop. Until this happens properly, the Family Court system is unfit for purpose.

All Family Court judges need to be trained in DV, the forms it takes, and coercive control, and how to recognise it.

Aeroflotgirl I read the guardian article regarding James Munby it is now 2 years old , I ahv looked into him as I wanted to write directly to contribute myself, however he retired and was replaced by Sir Nicholas Wall who committed suicide over a year ago as he had a form of prefrontal lobe dementia he had been keeping secret!

Terribly sad but how anybody can be fit to make decisions regarding family law and domestic violence suffering from this condition I don't know! But he advocated reform in the courts and particularly the effects of domestic abuse on children.
Who replaced him I don't know , J12 was in practise when I was going through the courts, yet my cross examination was my abusive ex putting his cross examination questions to the lead magistrate who merely repeated them to me , not an hour after he admitted assaulting me.
This simply must change , Ellie Yarrow knew what she was going to face too...

Regarding your friend, you mention sexual & emotional abuse to her 10 son by the father since the court hearing & judgement, in any circumstance contact should be stopped, distate for the family court system or not, any responsible mother must protect their child, no matter how exhausting, frustrating or frightneing it is. That is just my view.

Munby replaced Wall, not the other way round.

The current President of the Family Division is Sir Andrew McFarlane. Munby retired as president on 27th July 2018.

Also Wall retired in 2012 and didn’t die until 2017.

RB68 , badlydrawnperson , Aeroflotgirl I feel the only way to change the law is to petition & take action to highlight this archaic, misogynistic system. To afford change in practise , law and the way vulnerable women are treated in the family court.

The same principles apply as to the criminal court in that allegations have to be proved but not beyond all reasonable doubt but on the balance of probabilities but a frightened woman who has faced any type of abuse is as you rightly say brought literally face to face with her abuser in what is little more than an arena, where the referees are non existent, so little chance to adequately.
It is not humane or adequate enough.
If we look at the changes in the tide against women protecting their children and mothers being vilified as little more than hysterical , emotional vindictive women by the Fathers For Justice movement.
If this movement garnered so much publicity and change in attitude than a fair representation of the facts by public pressure should...
We only have to look at the #METOO movement and what that has begun to achieve.
The Duchess of Cornwall had spoken openly about domestic abuse and I feel if someone prominent where to be the face of a campaign it would garner attention the right way.
I have some ideas...