Bit too harsh... I'm gutted.

[HarleyQuinnxx]

So me n DH have had a great few weeks I do have a few health issues and yes I have gained about 1.5 stone in weight but after my surgeries I can and will lose the weight I have gained. I've decided last couple of days to eat a bit less and cut out the crappy bits and snacks. Anyway messing about usual evening routine I say just general "oh I'd love a nobbly bobbly or mini magnum" and hubby looks at me up n down and says "look if I have to do dry January you can try and stop being a fat mess" I am really hurt he has never said something like this he knows the problems I'm having. So I had a silent huff about and he has said sorry but now I'm so hurt inside as it must be how he sees me.

Rightly so

It's not unknown for men who are feeling unconfident about themselves to decide that anyone who is with them is i) lacking in value; ii) unattractive. Neither i) nor ii) is necessarily grounded in reality.

A family friend has a head-turning figure and hair that has always been her crowning glory: she's beautiful. To listen to her DH, you'd not know this at all.

His comments say more about him and his relationship to himself than his relationship to you, OP but you are collateral damage.

@Honeyroar a nobbly bobbly is the best ice lolly ever it's choc then strawberry then chocolate covered completely in hundreds and thousands yum yum yum.

Well if it's not alcohol then he's just an inadequate arse who doesn't think enough of you to not blurt out really hurtful stuff. Does that sit better?

This is horrible OP and of course you're upset. It's one of those comments that would haunt me (but I know I do have trouble letting stuff go). I don't think sorry would cut it because it's the idea that it might be what my partner thinks.

I'd just tell him I'd rather be a fat mess than a fucking cunt like him.
Hes not got much respect for you Op has he? I'd be thinking about moving my fat arse well away from him.

I think you need a big chat with him. Is that really what he thinks or was it said as a joke? He must be aware that you're upset about the weight gain. Either he's an unthinking idiot and this was his ham fisted way of trying to motivate you or he's seriously trying to support you but doing it very badly. It could be that he truly thinks that.

Him doing dry January is irrelevant (it does make me wonder why anyone does it and that there must be an issue with booze if such a big deal is being made of it, not necessarily your DH, but those who slap it all I ver social media). You need to lose weight when you're ready and at your pace, not because someone's taking the piss.

Aww OP it was a really shit thing for him to say. I certainly agree that you need to call him out on it and be honest about how it made you feel. Could be an awkward or emotional conversation but really important that you have it. We all mess up sometimes and if it's out of character it doesn't make him a bad person or husband or you an idiot for being with him, but letting it slide would be a bad idea and a potential gateway to him getting used to insulting you (most likely not I'm sure but not to be risked). You aren't a fat mess, you've had health issues mess up your routine, you can lose that weight if it's right for you, now you're strong enough to. No one's business but your own. He's just narked at no more booze for 4 more weeks! Xx

1.5 stones is hardly anything nowadays, you're probably still under average weight in this country. Sounds like he's been a dick and apologised so you might just have to sweep it under the rug and keep on course.

Med related weight gain is real. If you are on something like prednisone, or even a common med like an antidepressant, it can be very difficult not to gain weight, and then, to lose it, while still on the meds.

If a health issue restricts mobility, even temporarily, that can also lead to difficult to control weight gain.

I think many people without health/med issues simply don't understand the complications to weight gain and control these issues pose.

As a formerly very slim person, who had to go on prednisone long term, and went up two dress sizes, and had a partner who was not supportive at all, you have my sympathy.

It can be very challenging to a person's self concept; you deserve love and support as you deal with health issues. Ironically, it's the support and non conditional love that will increase your chances of finding and maintaining a healthy weight for you.

WTF is a nobbly bobbly?

OK it's an ice cream according to PP. Why would you want one?

He said something in the heat of the moment that he didn't mean. Call him a lazy/useless/procrastinating/easily-led arse and be done with it.

Also - it's really hard to do deprivation when you feel like crap anyway due to health issues. People who haven't dealt with ongoing health or medical issues just don't get it. Nobody should be shaming you for eating an ice cream after dinner. It's not like it's a binge; it's dessert. It's very much within the realms of normal eating patterns in Western nations. Yes, going without dessert helps shift weight, but you have to balance out your need to live at a healthy weight for you, with the knowledge that deprivation can actually increase the chances of things like binge eating.

Tell him to forget Dry January and focus on making some immediate and tangible improvements to his malevolent shitey personality. What he said to you is so deeply unpleasant and unkind that I am outraged on your behalf.

How dare he, how bloody DARE he! Utter wankstain.

If your dh is not an alcoholic he is just a nasty bastard then! What he said was beyond cruel! It makes me concerned that he might be cruel/ abusive to you at other times?

protectivemothersallianceinternational.org/2015/06/15/family-court-abusecorruption-abuser-profiles-from-why-does-he-do-that-by-lundy-bancroft/

Do any of the points on this post seem familiar?

If he said it, he’s thinking it - the judgemental and rotten pillock. With everything else you’ve got going on you need love and compassion - tell him how disgusting and unacceptable his comments are.

He said something in the heat of the moment that he didn't mean. Call him a lazy/useless/procrastinating/easily-led arse and be done with it.

I think his comment was unforgivable actually, and totally disagree with the above.

That's one mighty punch to the gut you've just taken there Harley, you poor love.☹️
What a shit he is, nasty, very nasty, I mean seriously, how can he put that right, he can't !
Sit next to him, eat ten nobbly bobblies, whilst swigging on a bottle of wine.😄 For you 💐

He said something in the heat of the moment that he didn't mean. Call him a lazy/useless/procrastinating/easily-led arse and be done with it

What heat of the moment? There was none. His remark was considered and deliberate.

Not sure how an apology would work here.

The OP said on page 2 that they mess around and call each other names. It sounds like he made an off the cuff remark without thinking. Thoughtless yes, nasty bastard, probably not. He should apologise.

You will never forget that he said those words at such a vulnerable time for you. Things will go back to normal eventually, but they will never, ever be the same. He has really shown his true colours in his humiliation of you. . Doesn't sound like the greatest of partners in general and is probably not that out of character . Get fit and well soon op, and have a good long look at how things really are with him.

That's really fucking mean op.

Very damaging for him to say such nasty words after all you've been through - that sort of behaviour damages people - horrible man

I genuinely think you might be overthinking this OP because you are self conscious about your weight gain. Fat mess is a phrase that people say in jest to people of any weight who decide to have an indulgence - I can imagine it being said without anyone specific in mind even (e.g. who is the fat mess who ate all the biscuits?). It’s not particularly well judged or funny, but if your DH is generally decent and distressed now that he appreciates he has really touched a nerve I would give him the benefit of the doubt. I don’t think all these posts re unforgivable etc are going to help you forget this which you should if it’s not part of a pattern of cruel insults and verbal abuse.

Thats fucking horrible saying that to you!! What a cunt

Tell him you’re hurt and you have the right to remain hurt until the wounds heal over a bit.

I gained a lot of weight after breaking my leg, my DH never made me feel unattractive until one day when we were out for a drink I suggested getting a little sharing dish, and he didn’t want it, so I said oh okay, maybe i’m just really focussed on food right now. He then said it’s good I could admit I had a problem. I burst into tears, I was so embarrassed that he thought that about me, I imagined him being mortified being next to me in public, finding me unattractive... We were meant to be going away the next day on a surprise trip he’d planned but I couldn’t look forward to it, I just cried and cried.

So yes, I know how you feel, he said he’s sorry and I am sure he is, but you’re allowed to be upset, it’s an incredibly shitty, hurtful thing to say to someone. Get it all off your chest and leave him in the dog house for a bit.

Hugs aren’t very mumsnetty, but sending you one anyway.