Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being a SAHP is a full time job.

483 replies

SpottedTiger · 03/01/2019 20:07

DC1 is due soon. I'm the main earner and DH works PT, he has been seriously unwell over the last few years and this has been a huge achievement. Our plan is that after my Mat leave DH will become a SAHD and I will go back to work FT. We are both happy with this plan, however DHs family and friends are putting pressure on him to continue working PT around my work hours. Obviously if DH wants to for himself that's fine with me, but my thoughts are that looking after DD all day is a full time job in itself and it's unfair to expect him to then go to work after a full day with her when it's not financially necessary. DH works in an entry level, minimum wage job which he doesn't especially enjoy, so taking a career break for a few years shouldn't impact negatively on him from a career perspective and he is looking forward to the role of SAHD.

OP posts:
xsahm · 05/01/2019 11:56

Feeebeee look up imputed income, it's really interesting and you might learn something.

JaneJeffer · 05/01/2019 11:58

Everything he will do is what plenty of working parents do as well as working a ft or pt job. So you bring your baby to work do you?

OlderThanAverageforMN · 05/01/2019 12:15

I am sure all MN's would accept that the following are "jobs":
Childminder
Nursery Worker
Cleaner
Ironing Service
Gardener
Window Cleaner
Dog Walker
Etc etc etc - You get the picture..... so why is a person who happens to be doing all of this not be regarded as doing a job just because they aren't paid for it.

Cheekylittlenumber · 05/01/2019 12:42

Ok I think perhaps work and Job have different definitions. But the only difference imo on SAHP and childminder etc is that it’s your own child and you’re not paid. It still occupies your day/energy like a traditional job.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 05/01/2019 12:45

@OlderThanAverageforMN I agree with you that being an sahp to preschool kids is clearly a job also as you can't bring kids to work, or leave them unoccupied.

However you lost me at
Cleaner
Ironing Service
Gardener
Window Cleaner
Dog Walker

Because these are jobs that need to be done by someone anyway, working or not. Otherwise I get to call myself a nurse if I bandage a cut or a chef if I cook myself dinner. Hmm Some jobs are part of being alive and in a family.

BitchQueen90 · 05/01/2019 12:54

Older because taking care of your own children that you chose to have isn't a job. Taking care of other people's children is a job because you didn't choose to have those children.

I clean my own house, doesn't make me a cleaner.

Sockwomble · 05/01/2019 13:06

I think we should get away from thinking that if something isn't a job it isn't necessary, worthwhile, hard work etc. Roles don't have to be jobs to be those things. I'm a parent carer to a severely disabled teenager but I wouldn't call it a job. It's not because it's all a choice or pleasure either. Being punched and bitten isn't a pleasure. It's no less than a job just different.

xsahm · 05/01/2019 13:42

Cheeky and all those saying SAHP isn't a paid job.... please look up IMPUTED INCOME.

It's a real thing, it really exists. The wiki (correct) definition:

Imputed income is the accession to wealth that can be attributed, or imputed, to a person when they avoid paying for services only providing the same services to themselves.

It's not just me telling you, the government even gives you NI credits in recognition of this.

Essentially a SAHP is being paid exactly the same amount as someone who goes out to work and spend their entire net salary on childcare to enable them to do so (and is therefore working for free).

xsahm · 05/01/2019 13:45

(I'm being slightly antagonistic when I say the employed person is working for free since the net outcome is the same - there is no additional income after working which is why people say being a SAHP is an unpaid role)

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2019 14:57

OlderThanAverageforMN
So when you walk the dog do you declare that you're off to work as a dog walker but whe. You get back you'll take up your job as a cleaner and wash up??

I mean wiping my bum would be a job if I had to pay someone else to do it but when I do it myself I don't declare I'm a carer!

OlderThanAverageforMN · 05/01/2019 15:08

stuck bitch sleeping I chose that list of jobs/tasks carefully, as they are all things that working parents may pay someone else to do. You would not pay a nurse to bandage a cut or a chef to cook dinner (actually some do!), but you get the gist.

As xsahm says, all those jobs that need doing as part of family life, are often paid for to be done by someone else if your are working. I worked for a while when the kids were small, and paid someone else to do all those things, it nearly took up all of my net income, so I chose to stay at home and do them myself.

whassupmissus · 05/01/2019 15:13

Most people I know who work full time do not have someone doing their cleaning, laundry, dog walking etc - that is not the reality for the majority. They fit it in after work and at weekends. This is perfectly possible unless you live in a mansion

AlexaShutUp · 05/01/2019 15:52

Most people I know who work full time do not have someone doing their cleaning, laundry, dog walking etc - that is not the reality for the majority. They fit it in after work and at weekends.

Absolutely! I can't understand why anyone would outsource these tasks if it took up almost all of their net income to do so. Surely these services are just luxuries for those who have the spare money to pay for them!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2019 16:15

I'd assume it didn't take up the majority of family money.

If DH earned80k, I earned 20k and most of the household jobss fell to me, it well be worth spending £14 k a year on full time childcare but then cleaning, ironing etc so that when I was at home I only needed to play with the kids and do the bear basics. I might outsource dog walking because whilst it's fun to have one of a weekend, I didn't want to be up early to do it in the week. This would all be in the certain knowledge that DH's wages covered bills and lifestyle choices. So I'd work for fun and the joy of having no chores.

I doubt it would be family income was taken up by all the bills so the ironing was paid for but they couldn't afford a holiday, new clothes, a treat now and then

LaurieMarlow · 05/01/2019 16:34

Most of our friends are 2 income couples and I don't know anyone who outsources more than a couple of hours cleaning a week - and even that's far from the norm.

Dimsumlosesum · 05/01/2019 18:08

I don't term it a "job, but it's something I do 24 hours 7 days, so, "work"? Obvs not paid though, lol.

RDR2 · 05/01/2019 18:56

"I had a highly paid career in the NHS which involved managing multi million pound budgets and several teams of staff. I am a trained lawyer and worked my arse off to build my career. I stopped and gave it up to have children. I have been asked to return several , times but I don't want to and what's more I don't need to."

No doubt because there is a well paid man around fulfilling the ultimate duty of putting a roof over your heads and food on the table.

You chose to drop out of work and that's fair enough if it works for your family, but being a SAHP is a lifestyle choice' because few women, and even less men like the OPs partner,, have this option these days.

Unless you want to throw your children's' future under a bus and live on welfare, someone has got to pick up the slack and work full time or bills don't get paid and your nice little middle class Mumsnet life quickly becomes very different.

frogsoup · 05/01/2019 19:34

Why is putting a roof over your head and buying food the 'ultimate duty'? If the kids didn't have someone cooking the food and keeping them safe and stimulated, neither the roof nor the cupboard full of food would do them much good!

SleepingStandingUp · 05/01/2019 19:38

Unless you want to throw your children's' future under a bus and live on welfare oh wow. Good to know any kids raised on benefits have no worthwhile future

RomanyRoots · 05/01/2019 19:52

Good grief, lots of working families can't do without benefits, in case you haven't noticed min wage is low whether you have one or two parents working.

Namenic · 05/01/2019 19:53

Laurie - most ft working parents outsource childcare (especially under 2 but even at 7-8 some adult needs to supervise at home/school). Many people outsource hair cutting and some tutoring.

The whole job/work thing is just nomenclature as pp’s have mentioned. Agree with xsahm and sockwomble that caring for disabled/elderly relatives is a huge unrecognised workload that was done silently by housewives down the ages. Huge admiration for people who do this (in my opinion harder and less glamourous than most jobs).

LittleBearPad · 05/01/2019 19:56

This thread is like Mumsnet bingo.

I confess some of the tasks outlined as SAHP tasks made me [hmmm] such as

I sort the bills and the car... I do the shopping, the doctors appointments,... I do the vets, the parties, the birthday and special dates, the packing for holidays...

This isn’t SAHP specific. Anyone with cars or pets or holidays does this. We all also pay bills and do the shopping, plan birthday parties etc.

Pa10ma · 05/01/2019 20:30

I have been a SAHM for almost 16 years (4 DC) and they’ve all be in school for 4 years now. Nearly all the mums at primary level are SAH, and it’s probably 50/50 at the secondary schools. So I know a LOT of SAHMs - it’s essentially default round here - and NEVER ONCE have I heard anyone refer to their daily routine as their “job.” But everyone is busy. In 15 years, I can honestly say I’ve never watched daytime tv. I’m not on any social media except for MN as I don’t feel as if I have time. Most people have cleaners at least twice a week, but still they’re always busy - you just free up time to do something else. Most stuff I do is still DC related - eg. I’ve been doing 11 plus help with DD over Xmas; daily GCSE mocks prep with another - taking them out for breaks and making sure they eat well. Occupying the other two in the meantime. Even when they’re at school there’s always something to do related to at least one of them. I’m hardly ever in. I might meet a friend for coffee twice a week or so, but that’s it. Hardly a “lady who lunches.” Time flies by and it never occurs to anyone in real life to even stop and think about these things, let alone justify why they do this it that. Who cares what you call it or what terminology - you know what you’re doing and that’s it. It’s like some people may insist a tomato is a vegetable when others insist its strictly a fruit, but ultimately it is what it is whatever you call it.

MariaNovella · 06/01/2019 10:41

Most people I know who work full time do not have someone doing their cleaning, laundry, dog walking etc - that is not the reality for the majority.

Where I live it is extremely unusual for people not to outsource cleaning, laundry, ironing, shopping, cooking, dog walking etc, whether or not both partners work FT.

LaurieMarlow · 06/01/2019 10:44

Where I live it is extremely unusual for people not to outsource cleaning, laundry, ironing, shopping, cooking, dog walking etc, whether or not both partners work FT.

You must live in a very affluent area then. Let's not pretend this is the norm for the vast, vast majority of working parents.