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AIBU?

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Original poster

To betray my friend..?

81 replies

hungery · 03/01/2019 15:46

I'll try and keep this as short as possible... I wrote a post about this situation the other day.
So I've always had 2 close friends, friend 1 and friend 2. Friend 1 had a serious DP who she lived with, unmarried, no children, and he was always close to me and friend 2 as well.
Friend 1 and friend 2 have both been really good friends - but friend 2 has been there an unimaginable amount for me but I've got a lot closer with friend 1.
Now, mid last year, friend 1's DP left her out of the blue for friend 2. She is still angry 7 months later, and I inevitably chose sides and due to the weight of the situation, haven't spoke to friend 2 since.
I got in contact with friend 2 last week as I felt I owed it to her after how much and how selflessly she's been there for me for 10+ years. I haven't told friend 1 and she'd be angry if she knew I'd be in touch.

Now, I've been going through a really hard time lately and friend 1 has hyped me up about a weekend out (rare for me) this weekend. She's now started making a few excuses about why she might not be able to come. She knows how much I needed it and she's still being a bit flaky regarding plans.
Would it be really bad to contact friend 2 to come and have a night with me to cheer me up if friend 1 cancels? Friend 1 would be livid if she knew I'd gone out with her but she also knows how much I need a night to let my hair down and is still making excuses.

Hope this makes sense!! It was a bit confusing to write so well done if you made it to the end!

OP posts:
Iloveacurry · 03/01/2019 15:51

Sorry but if I was friend 1, I wouldn’t forgive you if you went out with friend 2. It’s only been 7 months, so no wonder she’s still angry.

Bertiebitch32 · 03/01/2019 15:53

Wow what a freind you are. Let's hope your never in that situation

userschmoozer · 03/01/2019 15:53

Tell friend 1 so she can let go of you all and move on with her life, instead of lying to her and going around behind her back.

OyOy · 03/01/2019 15:54

You keep using the word "friend".

I do not think it means what you think it means.

Sounds like they're both better off without you.

Kimlek · 03/01/2019 15:55

If you want to be friends with them both then you need to be straight with them both. Don’t lie.

Auntiepatricia · 03/01/2019 15:55

You’re not serious?

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/01/2019 15:55

Its really not fair that you've been put In the middle of something you played no part in. That's me talking as a randomer on the Internet.
However if I hand on the Holy book if I was friend 1 I'd probably feel a tad betrayed and upset, too.

Nesssie · 03/01/2019 15:55

YABU. For one night one? Very horrible. You don't have ANY other friends you could choose from? You have to replace friend 1 with friend 2? (just like her partner did)

LooksBetterWithAFilter · 03/01/2019 15:55

While I get why you took sides I’m not sure I would have. What friend 2 did was horrible and unforgivable but he didn’t do it to you. Dh and I had friends in a similar but different situation when they split up and thankfully they didn’t ask us to take sides. It would have put both of us in a horrible situation and both understood why we didn’t.
I’d go out with friend 2 it’s only been 7 months and she is still angry yes but it wasn’t you that was involved in this.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 03/01/2019 15:55

If you want to be friends with them both then you need to be straight with them both. Don’t lie

^^this

HowlsMovingBungalow · 03/01/2019 15:57

CF much?

Original poster
hungery · 03/01/2019 15:57

@Awwlookatmybabyspider I was completely put in the middle. All 3 of us were excellent friends, I have been friends with friend 2 for 10+ years and friend 1 for about 5. We have all been there through the hardest times for each other, especially friend 2 for me, but it was just completely natural to side with friend 1 after what happened. I felt like I owed it to friend 2 after a 10+ year friendship and her going above and beyond to message to say happy Christmas and happy new year and say I hope she's getting on okay - I'm not sneaking around behind anyone's back, I still have no friendship with friend 2.

OP posts:
Pachyderm1 · 03/01/2019 15:58

Stop being sneaky and dishonest. If you want to be pals with the backstabbing bitch friend 2, you have to let friend 1 know so she can decide if she’s willing to continue being your friend or not. She may well want to wash her hands of you if she knows you’ve rekindled your friendship with friend 2.

7yo7yo · 03/01/2019 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fairylightfurore · 03/01/2019 16:01

Your mistake was taking sides. This wasn't to do with you. Friend 1 and friend 2 need to sort this out themselves. The boyfriends not worth anyone's time.

Original poster
hungery · 03/01/2019 16:02

There has been no rekindled friendship with friend 2. I just contacted her to say merry Christmas, happy new year and to say I hope she's okay. I wouldn't rekindle a friendship sneakily behind friend 1's back.

OP posts:
Ragaroo · 03/01/2019 16:02

You're willing to hurt your friend in order to "let your hair down?" Well, go ahead, do it. But you will only have one friend left by Monday.

Kimlek · 03/01/2019 16:03

You’ve 10 years history with them both so I can see why you are stuck in the middle. Friend 2 has seriously betrayed Friend 1. You obviously feel for friend 1. Yet friend 2 has been super supportive of you and you value that support. All this is very reasonable. I don’t think it’s about a night out is it? It’s about trying to maintain friendships with two incredibly disparate people. You have to explain this to both friend 1 and also friend 2 and definitely not mention ‘flaky about a night out’!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 03/01/2019 16:03

Erm You are all aware thats. its not actually op who has been shagging her friends bloke or Am I missing something, here

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/01/2019 16:03

It sounds like you put yourself in the middle by choosing sides, which is understandable however messaging behind friend 1's back is being sneaky when you know how she'd feel.

If you want to be friends with friend 2 again then you need to talk to friend 1 and explain so she can decide on what she wants to do.

Your decision shouldn't be made on this one night, it sounds like you just want someone to go out with rather than actually make friends with friend 2 again.

I personally couldn't ever trust friend 2 after what she did to friend 1 - it could always be your partner next. I know it's both to blame however if she can do it to friend 1, she could do it to you.

MrsWolfe · 03/01/2019 16:03

If you do this, prepare to lose friend 1 forever. You have attempted to rekindle the friendship with friend 2 by sending the 'testing the water' messages as you have and have every intention of contacting her to go out with you if friend 1 can't or won't go. You're no friend to either of them. Sure, it's a shitty situation to be put in the middle of but you can't have it all ways which is what it sounds like you want.

itswinetime · 03/01/2019 16:03

Yeah your being shitty to both of them picking up and dropping 'friend' 2 when it suits you running around behind 'friend' 1s back because 'you need a night out'

Friendships like all things are based on honesty so talk to friend 1 find out what she is thinking about this night out and get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to go. That's what friends do!

twattymctwatterson · 03/01/2019 16:04

Are you prepared to lose friend one for friend 2? If so I hope you're single and staying that way

Original poster
hungery · 03/01/2019 16:05

I know it sounds awful and I most likely wouldn't do it, I'm just getting wrapped up in my problems. I've been there so much for friend 1 and I feel like anytime it comes to something with me, she's never as 100% as me. It's not a common thing where I reach out when I'm going through a hard time at all.

OP posts:
OyOy · 03/01/2019 16:06

I wouldn't rekindle a friendship sneakily behind friend 1's back.

So, you want to use Friend 2 for one night purely for the purpose of cheering you up

And then she's dropped, again?

No surprise you don't have any other friends really is it?

Again, they're both better off without you in their lives.

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