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Original poster

To betray my friend..?

81 replies

hungery · 03/01/2019 15:46

I'll try and keep this as short as possible... I wrote a post about this situation the other day.
So I've always had 2 close friends, friend 1 and friend 2. Friend 1 had a serious DP who she lived with, unmarried, no children, and he was always close to me and friend 2 as well.
Friend 1 and friend 2 have both been really good friends - but friend 2 has been there an unimaginable amount for me but I've got a lot closer with friend 1.
Now, mid last year, friend 1's DP left her out of the blue for friend 2. She is still angry 7 months later, and I inevitably chose sides and due to the weight of the situation, haven't spoke to friend 2 since.
I got in contact with friend 2 last week as I felt I owed it to her after how much and how selflessly she's been there for me for 10+ years. I haven't told friend 1 and she'd be angry if she knew I'd be in touch.

Now, I've been going through a really hard time lately and friend 1 has hyped me up about a weekend out (rare for me) this weekend. She's now started making a few excuses about why she might not be able to come. She knows how much I needed it and she's still being a bit flaky regarding plans.
Would it be really bad to contact friend 2 to come and have a night with me to cheer me up if friend 1 cancels? Friend 1 would be livid if she knew I'd gone out with her but she also knows how much I need a night to let my hair down and is still making excuses.

Hope this makes sense!! It was a bit confusing to write so well done if you made it to the end!

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/01/2019 16:27

I suffer from social anxiety, I suggest things but get nervous a few days before. I've said to my friends before that I'm not feeling too good etc however I do go and they know I will.

She may still go

FFSFFSFFS · 03/01/2019 16:31

Friend 2 didn't do anything to you. She did it to Friend 1.

I think the question is whether Friend 2's behaviour was so bad that it means she is someone you don't want to be friends with. I don;t think you should not be friends with her just because she did something to Friend 1.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2019 16:31

I think you aren't going to be able to run with the hares and hunt with the hounds on this one. You're going to have to pick one friend or the other and stick with that friend.

WillowKnicks · 03/01/2019 16:40

Have you actually thought about telling Friend 1 how you feel, rather than running to Friend 2?

Wouldn't it be better to just say what you have on here...that you're a bit disappointed & the one time you need her etc. What's the worst that can happen...she will fall out with you & you can run back to Friend 2!Wink

As an aside, I presume Friend 2 lied to you too, when she was having her affair!! So not that wonderful a friend!

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2019 16:41

you are a lousy friend OP.

R3b3kah · 03/01/2019 16:43

I’m going to go against what a lot have said

It must be a hard situation for you, especially when you had to take sides.
I assume you regret cutting off your friend?

But I will agree it’s terrible if you decide to use her for just 1 night, then go back to not being her friend.

Original poster
hungery · 03/01/2019 16:45

@R3b3kah well I'm not going to say I regret cutting her out because the way she went about it wasn't as best as she could have. But it was completely out of character and I regret not giving her a chance to have some to explain her side of everything to before completely cutting her off.

OP posts:
BobLemon · 03/01/2019 16:48

Wow. You’ve received a shocking amount of flack, unjustly I think.

The only person BU is F1 for expecting you to take sides.

LokiDokiArtichoki · 03/01/2019 16:49

Bloody hell give the OP a break! She’s not the one who has done anything wrong! She’s been put in the middle through no fault of her own and by the sounds of it needs a shoulder to cry on herself! A 14 year friendship is hard to just let go of and she needs her friend! Yes friend2 behaved despicably and betrayed friend1, but it’s not OPs argument and shouldn’t have been made to take sides in the first place.

purpleelk · 03/01/2019 16:49

“Would it be really bad to contact friend 2 to come and have a night with me to cheer me up if friend 1 cancels”

You are a serious user. So friend 2 is the one who gives you unlimited support... and when friend 1 won’t jump when you click your fingers and need cheering up, you’re ready to use friend 2 for her support.

You want to use friend 2 and you want to betray friend 1. All because you need a night out to cheer you up.

Yinv · 03/01/2019 16:58

You have a choice:

Friend 1 or friend 2. You can’t have both. It seems like a difficult decision as Friend 1 is not up to your expectations and Friend 2 is a life wrecker.

Yabbers · 03/01/2019 17:02

The only person BU is F1 for expecting you to take sides.

I agree. OP was loyal and dropped friend 2, someone who was always there for her. Now OP needs a friend and friend 1 is flaking out? It’s not like is happened last week, 7 months is quite a long time. Sure she might not be over it but surely she’s moved past the wrapping herself in a duvet and not coming out stage?

@hungery I think this particular event might not be the one which you choose to rekindle as it would inevitably end the friendship with friend 1, but I think you should tell Friend 1 you miss your old friend and want to see her again. If she cares about you she will understand. It is entirely unreasonable for someone to ban you from seeing someone when they haven’t done anything to you.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 03/01/2019 17:10

Some people are giving you a hard time, OP.

In cutting off F2, you lost a friendship for the sake of F1. While I think that was probably the right thing to do, I can imagine how it hurts if you are feeling the friendship with F1 is a bit one way.

However, I think you need to separate the two things. Glad to see that you have decided not to invite F2 out at this point. I would make it very clear to F1 that you really "need" this night out and were very much looking forward to it, and that you know she is out tomorrow. Hopefully she will stick to her commitment.

If you feel that you want to contact F2 in the future, I think it would be fair to let F1 know beforehand. Especially if she is aware that you "chose" her over F2 originally. You may lose the friendship with F1 over it.

PsychoCrayon · 03/01/2019 17:14

Friend 1 or friend 2. You can’t have both

Why not?

OP is an innocent party in this. Why does she have to lose a friend?

777magic · 03/01/2019 17:18

Friend 2 didn't give a shit going with friend 1s ex.. so

Friend 1 sounds a decent person and that's the one I wouldn't betray for anything.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/01/2019 17:38

OP may very well be an 'innocent party' in all of this, but that doesn't mean she isn't going to have to make a choice between the two friends. If she doesn't, she stands to lose them both.

Maelstrop · 03/01/2019 17:43

You really want to risk losing friend 1 by asking over friend 2? Tbh, friend 2 doesn't sound like the kind of mate I'd want!

hiddeneverythin · 03/01/2019 17:46

I think you should go out with friend 2 but run it by friend 1 first. X

PixiKitKat · 03/01/2019 17:48

I agree with a few pp that the mistake was choosing a side. You shouldn't have done that, it wasn't your mess to fix.ive had a close friendship group split in 2 due to a fall out however it was nothing to do with me and I remain friends with both sides.

I can understand that you miss your friendship with friend 2, I've cut a friend off before for their shitty behaviour towards another friend and I do regret that as we were really close and I miss that.

eddielizzard · 03/01/2019 18:19

Well I think you can't be friends with both. It's not clear cut.

But friend 1 is now being a crap friend? Was she always, or is she now because she's having a really tough time herself? Is it out of character?

Original poster
hungery · 03/01/2019 18:21

@eddielizzard I wouldn't say this is her being a crap friend. She's always good, she can just be a bit selfish sometimes and not think past herself and not empathise with others. If she has a problem and I have a problem then the conversation always ends up at her problem. I don't think it's something she consciously does and would be upset if she knew she was doing it, but she does do it.

OP posts:
Handprints2018 · 03/01/2019 18:39

Friend 2 fucked her friend's husband, she's a shit friend. She and the dog she fucked put you in the middle by doing it. Give it time, you'll see that. Ive been where you've been and seeing my friend 2 do it again despite thinking it was ooc at the time, ive come to the realisation that when people show us how they are you should listen.

Screwing friends over is a big red flag. Doesn't matter the how or why. The affair itself is a red herring in a way as friend 2 isn't shit friend for being an OW, she's a terrible friend and person for choosing to screw over her friends. (Including you there as she clearly knew she may lose your friendship and didn't care).

Friend 1 sounds flakey and a let down.

You need new friends and good support who you can trust. You have a liar who betrays friends vs a useless friend who flakes. Neither is a winner.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 03/01/2019 19:00

Did I miss the memo that said a night out is so important that friendships need to suffer?

Maybe I'm boring as fuck, but if my friend cancelled I'd just enjoy a bath, some pampering and a glass of wine on my own.

safetyfreak · 03/01/2019 19:04

Good luck trusting friend 2. If she could do that to a friend, don't rule out she wouldn't try it on with your partner one day.

TeddybearBaby · 03/01/2019 19:05

What’s happening with you op? I can hear that you’re struggling and needing support. Why was this night out so important? X

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