to want another baby with my ex ?

[gaelle79]

Hi all, happy New Year!

My New Year resolution is to make up my mind about this and I need your honest (non-judgemental) opinions please.

My ex and I dated for 5 years. We didn’t work out because I was not the one for him.

At the time, I didn’t realize that and kept making up excuses for the fact that he was dragging his feet regarding commitment. After 3 years and because I was pressuring him, he agreed to have a baby. When I brought up marriage (again) he said having a baby was an even bigger commitment and that made sense to me.

During my pregnancy I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and finally saw things for what they were: He was not in love with me and didn’t want to marry me so I broke up.
It was messy and painful, he went MIA for months and I resented him for that, for failing our daughter.

Now we are back in a good place, co-parenting and getting along.
The thing is I desperately want another baby. I’m 39 going on 40. It’s been 3 years since our breakup and I wanted to meet someone, to build a relationship and maybe have baby #2 but nothing…not even a fling :(

I know I will find that person, eventually but it could be tomorrow or in ten years! If I want another child, I don’t have much more time left so I’m really considering having it with him.

We talked about it and he is totally on board with the idea. Still, there is no chance for us to work out as a couple so we would have the baby and co parent as we currently do but that’s it.

Do you think I’m crazy to even consider this?

[MrsWolfe]

I would do it in your position. Is it ideal? No. Is it going to have challenges? Yes. However, you don't have time on your side and I wouldn't risk waiting if you know this is what you want.

[edwinbear]

I would. I can't see why not if you are both confident in your co-parenting arrangements. They will be full siblings and your ex sounds committed to being fully involved, I can think of far worse set ups.

[AuchAyeTheNo]

If you are both happy with the idea then why not? The days of needing to be married to bring up a child are long gone and plently of kids do well coming from parents who arent together.

You would need to iron out the finer details though. Do you work? Would it suit taking time off? What if either of you met someone new in the process?

[SushiMonster]

Nope. Crazy and selfish. Be happy for the child you have.

You'll be up shit creek when he meets a new woman and suddenly doesn't give a shit about his existing child. It will be even worse for you when there are two of them.

[Jent13c]

My friend was brought up in this exact situation. Her dad happily paid out cash when needed but never took the time to support her as a dad. Now shes in her late 20s she says she was always a bit jealous hanging out at my house at my dad coming home every night and all going out for days as a family. Her dad was writing her a cheque for her graduation and emailed to ask what her middle name was. She was devastated. She also resents her mum for making that decision and as a result having to grow up on a very low income.
Obviously this is just one persons opinion and I'm sure a lot of that only applies in her specific situation with her particularly absent father but I just wanted to share how she felt.

[formerbabe]

It's not a bad idea.

You already share a child...your child will have a sibling and they'll have the same father. You already know him and what he's like as a father...and plus, to be blunt, time isn't massively on your side.

You could meet another man who might seem perfect but ends up being a shit dad..then you'll be stuck with the problem of one of your dc having a good father and one having a bad father and all sorts of potential complications that could bring.

[LightTripper]

If you are both keen and he is a good Dad I would say why not?

But I would think quite hard about what will happen when/if he and you find new partners: do you think he will still be a good co-parent then?

If you don't want to have sex AI works perfectly well and you can do it at home very simply. Much more reliable than complicated things in clinics.

Everyone who has a child is selfish - I don't see why following your (and your ex's) desire to have a child is any more selfish than anybody else's, if you're confident you can bring them into a happy and loving home life.

[GalacticChickenShit]

Why would you want to bring another child into the world with a man who only impregnated you once to pacify you?

[Bluelady]

Between this and the having a baby because I hate work thread I think the world's gone completely bonkers. Babies aren't dollies that you have just because you want one. Every child deserves to be born to and brought up by two parents who are committed to them and one another. It obviously doesn't always pan out that way but it should at least begin like that. This is selfishness of the highest order.

[oldmum22]

I can see why you would want to do it ,but as other posters say, what happens if he meets a woman who he does love and wants to marry. She will always be suspiscious of your motives and to be honest I think with good reason. Enjoy the child you both have and focus on increasing your self worth. Not judgemental or bitchy ,just wanting you to understand that you are selling yourself short. BTW I was an older mum (hence user name) and all is not lost at your age.

[DeepanKrispanEven]

What are you going to do if he buggers off again?

[Purplecatshopaholic]

Crazy and incredibly, incredibly selfish. I am saddened so many people on here seem to think this set up is ok. Be happy with the child you have got. What @Bluelady said!

[NameChangerAmI]

I'd do it. Both children would have the same loving and supportive father. I can't see that it's selfish at all.

[Pissedoffdotcom]

Nope, no chance. He might be a good parent now but he buggared off in the early stages...who's to say he won't again?
What happens when he meets someone who wants kids?

[Tweety1981]

A lot of people get in and stay in relationships just to have kids .

At least you are being honest and are on the same page as the other parent .

I’d say if you want to do it do it . Don’t hang about .

[KatyWhatsit]

No.

Just no.
A baby is not an accessory to have when you feel like another, like a handbag. I'm sorry but you sound about 14, not 39. Living in a fantasy bubble. Goodness knows why this man agreed to give you a child when you weren't The One for him. Did he feel sorry for you or was he happy to provide the sperm? And where in all of this is your self-worth? You know and knew he didn't want to commit but you begged for a baby. That is so sad, but also not something you ought to repeat.

It's a real human being. It deserves a home where the set up is not so complicated. Yes, things don't always work out, but most start off with good intentions.

You just want this guy as a sperm donor. It's convenient as you haven't met anyone else.

How likely are you to meet someone else- who will have to be VERY open minded, when you have TWO children, and explain how No 2 was conceived? Don't you think they might run for the hills?

A child deserves the love of 2 parents, ideally. No matter what this guy says now, the odds are he will meet someone and drift out of your life. Are you expecting him to pay for this child till it's 18? How would any future partner of his think about that?

[trojanpony]

You are crazy. Don’t do it.

[KatyWhatsit]

you and I think alike @bluelady (just read yours after I'd posted.)

[Dandybelle]

I know a couple who did this. Worked fine as they both knew exactly what the set up would be from the get go. If it will work for you then go for it.

[Dotty1970]

I'd do it

[KatyWhatsit]

Isn't it a shame that no one can ask the child and the yet to be conceived child how they would feel?

Christ, we all complain at times that we can't choose our parents, but threads like this make me feel mine were saints.

This man is equally weak and selfish if he is willing to provide the sperm.

[Veganforlife]

Well ,I'm an only child ,I would of absolutely loved a full sibling ,no matter how it was conceived.i get quite jealous when I see people my age with siblings ,being aunties and uncles to each other's children..personally I say keep your plans to yourself and. If anyone asked how baby 2 came about,just say you had a brief reunion....but I'm probably biased as I think there's nothing better than siblings ,due to not having any .

[scrivette]

I think it would be okay.

You already co parent so know how it all works and already have plans in place and your child will have a full sibling.

If you paid for a donor sperm then you wouldn't have the support from your ex and the baby may not have a father figure in their life.

[Nanna50]

My colleague has done this she has a 6 year old and a 1 year old to her ex. They split up when 6 year old was age 2 and then decided to have another child.

She wanted full siblings, neither of them have met any one else and they are not together. He pays maintenance but does not co parent. It works for her.

I have another colleague who has a 7 year old and a 4 year old to her DH, he is not a great father or husband but she wanted another child and she wants them to have two parents so stays with him.

First colleague seems to be in a happier place than the second one.

[ittakes2]

2 adults and 1 child is sooooo different from 2 adults and 2 children - especially when they live in different houses!