to want another baby with my ex ?

[gaelle79]

Hi all, happy New Year!

My New Year resolution is to make up my mind about this and I need your honest (non-judgemental) opinions please.

My ex and I dated for 5 years. We didn’t work out because I was not the one for him.

At the time, I didn’t realize that and kept making up excuses for the fact that he was dragging his feet regarding commitment. After 3 years and because I was pressuring him, he agreed to have a baby. When I brought up marriage (again) he said having a baby was an even bigger commitment and that made sense to me.

During my pregnancy I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and finally saw things for what they were: He was not in love with me and didn’t want to marry me so I broke up.
It was messy and painful, he went MIA for months and I resented him for that, for failing our daughter.

Now we are back in a good place, co-parenting and getting along.
The thing is I desperately want another baby. I’m 39 going on 40. It’s been 3 years since our breakup and I wanted to meet someone, to build a relationship and maybe have baby #2 but nothing…not even a fling :(

I know I will find that person, eventually but it could be tomorrow or in ten years! If I want another child, I don’t have much more time left so I’m really considering having it with him.

We talked about it and he is totally on board with the idea. Still, there is no chance for us to work out as a couple so we would have the baby and co parent as we currently do but that’s it.

Do you think I’m crazy to even consider this?

[gaelle79]

@all the respectful PP: thank you…I really appreciate you all taking your time to answer my question. This is a really important decision the kind that must be thought through carefully with my family and friends. I did that and formed an opinion. I came here, not to ask you to seek validation but because I had my own personal reservations. I wanted to know if people here would have the same concerns or bring things to my attention that I didn’t thought about.

Some of you made really valid points, some in favour and some against this idea. Moving forward, I’ll take those concerns seriously and do my best to protect my child/children

[TacoLover]

Now he barely talks to his kids twice a year. Of course this is not what I want but I know things will change when one of us will meet someone. I'm prepared for that

You're prepared for that. That's not really the point...It's the kids that will have to go through pain from losing their father, not you, and how can they prepare for something like that?

[KatyWhatsit]

LOL!

For someone who says they are not going to write a long reply...well, what have you just done?

Your response simply shows you can't cope with honest replies on a public forum. This is AIBU!

I don't give a toss about someone's jobs, their parents' jobs or their ex's job.

Earning money or being in banking(?) doesn't give anyone some kind of moral high ground. Far from it if you look at the banking fiascos in the UK.

I really don't see what my age has to do with it. So someone in their 50s can't have an opinion? We know nothing? You are ageist?

Why did you post if you only wanted people to agree with you?

It's a very moral issue. I and everyone here who has called your actions selfish, has as much right to do that as you have to live your life as you choose.

You're clearly rattled, so when you have calmed down, maybe reflect on those of us- and not just me- who have said this is not a good idea at all.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

He's a financial risk manager, a strong and confident man. I couldn’t bring him to marry me but somehow, was able to manipulate him into having a baby?

A man who walked out on his wife and baby, who didn't have the courage to end the relationship, or to refuse to have a baby with a woman he didn't love. He's not committed to you, he doesn't love you, he's not thinking into the future, and he's expecting you to pick up the emotional slack for the children when he moves on. That's not strength or confidence. That's weakness, dishonesty and passivity.

HE came up with the idea first. I was reluctant at first because I wanted to get married first so HE convinced me that having a baby was a bigger commitment and stronger proof of his love and willingness to build a life with me.

And you believed him although he was lying to himself and to you. He might sound convincing but he didn't walk the walk, did he? He left instead.

Yes he made a mistake but he regretted it, asked for forgiveness and is now doing his best to be a good father.

What "mistake" exactly does he think he made? And what have the consequences been for him - not for you or the baby, but him? What promises is he making about his children's future? You seem willing to accept a situation where you will have his child and he makes no long-term commitments at all to any of you.

Oh Gaelle, why him again? You're well off, you can afford childcare. You'd be so much better off trying for an anonymous donor. Smart women, foolish choices!

But as you say, you don't need our blessing. Look after yourself. And I hope it turns out well for you all.

[KatyWhatsit]

I came here, not to ask you to seek validation but because I had my own personal reservations. I wanted to know if people here would have the same concerns or bring things to my attention that I didn’t thought about


And yes, I do have those concerns and reservations. But you don't like reading them,. Your post above is completely illogical. Not to say full of contradictions.

[Isleepinahedgefund]

If you’re both on board, I think it’s fine. I know someone who did the same and had a second child with her first child’s father after they had split up. They were very young, and She ended up having a thousand other kids with a new partner a few years later, but everyone is still very happy with it all!

[twiglet]

@KatyWhatsit your reply is very contradictory....... You say you don't care about what the Ops job is etc but it was you who raised the question about how she would afford it etc. The OP was replying to your questions.......

OP as I said in my reply as long as the boundaries are clear, agreed on etc then go for it. Modern day families come in all shapes and sizes with different set ups be it surrogacy to a gay couple, adoption, sperm donors etc. As long as they are loved its not for anyone else to judge.
You seem to have your head screwed on and have thought really hard about it.

[Loftyswops988]

My parents wish they had done this. And i do too i think. Split when i was just a baby and both now are still single and I'm an only child. They wanted more kids, i wanted siblings. My parents are such close friends but nothing more, but could certainly have happily coparented another child

[QueenofmyPrinces]

I would definitely do it.

[OnlineAlienator]

I don't see why not if you are happily co parenting? Far better than some rush job 'blended family'. Full siblings and two dedicated happy parents sounds fine to me.

[KatyWhatsit]

I don't care what she or the father or her parents do for a job in the sense that I'm not impressed by the status she tries to attach to these jobs or her actual income.

My concern was she ought not to consider another child if she could not afford it and would struggle to find childcare.

Listing their occupations and income came over as a boast. His job is neither here nor there unless he's going to help fund the child(ren.)

Anyway- she doesn't want any opinions or anyone voicing their concerns, she only wants confirmation that she's right. Sorry to disappoint.

[Lifeisabeach09]

I don't think you are crazy at all.

1. He is the father of DC1
   
2. You know him
   
3. You know how he parents
   
4. Your clock is ticking and he is available and agreeable to it
   
   Do it!

[NewishMum85]

Why do people post on AIBU if they are not willing to hear from people who think they are being unreasonable? The OP clearly thinks she is reasonable and has made up her mind.

I still think it's very foolish and I feel sorry for the child and potential future child...

[Oakenbeach]

I’d do it, just be prepared for the co-parenting to end if he meets a new woman who doesn’t like it xx

Yes, who cares if the child’s dad moves on... the child might be screwed up but it’s all about you so it doesn’t matter

[Oakenbeach]

I would because then your daughter has a full biological sibling.

Possibly the worst reason for doing something like this. Who cares about the children’s wellbeing, as long a they’re biologically related

[VimFuego101]

It worked for Hugh Grant and his ex partner, I guess. I would set your expectations low when it comes to your co-parenting relationship, I don't see a new partner being happy with your arrangement and can see his involvement/ support dwindling if he gets into a new relationship.

[Mummyshark2019]

If it's both what you want and you can provide a loving home for your kids, I don't see the problem....

[Fashionista101]

I would so go for this! I think it's a great idea! As long as you know it will only be co parenting, it sounds like a great idea :)

[Booboostwo]

There is some very confused thinking here about the potential harm to the child. Even if a life with divorced parents/a lone parent was harmful to a child (which it isn’t necessarily) this child currently doesn’t exist. Almost any life, unless it is a life not worth living, is better than non-existence. So even the people who think that children are harmed if their parents are divorced or lone parents can’t possibly think that the children are harmed to such a great extent that their lives are ot worth living in the first place.

[NewishMum85]

Almost any life, unless it is a life not worth living, is better than non-existence.

That's such twisted logic. Would you encourage abusive parents to have children because as long as it's not to such an extent that the child wished they never existed then it's fine?

[Booboostwo]

It’s not twisted logic, it’s a perfectly valid philosophical argument that’s difficult to dispute. PPs are claiming that the OP should not bring a child to life if it is to suffer as a child of divorced or single parents. That utilitarian argument doesn’t work because the alternative is no life.

It is not fine to abuse children, nor is it fine to have children if you intend to abuse them, but you cannot argue that the child would be better off not existing unless the life it has is not worth living.

[User758172]

I think it’s a terribly selfish idea. And only a terribly selfish person would go through with it. But as long as you’re happy, right?

[NewishMum85]

No that's massively twisted. Would you also encourage people who can't afford to have kids to have lots of them because then at least they'll exist even if they live in poverty?

People with crappy parents don't tend to go around saying "oh well, I should just forget about all the horrible stuff because at least I exist?" do they?

Also, let's not forget that the OP already has a child who will be affected by this. The kids I went to school with whose parents were divorced were all massively affected by it and wished their parents would get back together. I think if their parents had another child after splitting it would make them even more confused and upset.

[ThatssomebadhatHarry]

Pretty sure iv seen the exact thing poster a few months ago!

[CheekyNandosForMe]

I lost my second baby shortly after my exH left. Late missed miscarriage. Devastating. I was using a charity at the time which helped vulnerable mothers, and one of the other service users told me I should get their father to knock me up again, it's what she did when she wanted another one with the same father. I honestly did NOT have the words. Seriously, it's your decision OP, but that's a whole level of commitment you both need to seriously think about.