to want another baby with my ex ?

[gaelle79]

Hi all, happy New Year!

My New Year resolution is to make up my mind about this and I need your honest (non-judgemental) opinions please.

My ex and I dated for 5 years. We didn’t work out because I was not the one for him.

At the time, I didn’t realize that and kept making up excuses for the fact that he was dragging his feet regarding commitment. After 3 years and because I was pressuring him, he agreed to have a baby. When I brought up marriage (again) he said having a baby was an even bigger commitment and that made sense to me.

During my pregnancy I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and finally saw things for what they were: He was not in love with me and didn’t want to marry me so I broke up.
It was messy and painful, he went MIA for months and I resented him for that, for failing our daughter.

Now we are back in a good place, co-parenting and getting along.
The thing is I desperately want another baby. I’m 39 going on 40. It’s been 3 years since our breakup and I wanted to meet someone, to build a relationship and maybe have baby #2 but nothing…not even a fling :(

I know I will find that person, eventually but it could be tomorrow or in ten years! If I want another child, I don’t have much more time left so I’m really considering having it with him.

We talked about it and he is totally on board with the idea. Still, there is no chance for us to work out as a couple so we would have the baby and co parent as we currently do but that’s it.

Do you think I’m crazy to even consider this?

[Booboostwo]

Newish you are confusing two different arguments. Any unused sperm and egg is a lost opportunity to bring someone into existence who would not otherwise exist, but that in itself is not a reason to feel obliged to use all sperm and egg to bring as many people into existence as possible. After all these people do not exist, so it is not clear what obligations we have to them (Parfit aside, for anyone familiar with that literature).

However, the argument here is different. It claims the OP should not have a child because its life risks being less than perfect. This is where the idea that a life has to be pretty awful to say the person would have been better off never existing in the first place, comes into play.

There is no empirical evidence for the claims you make on behalf of divorced children. Maybe you knew an atypical cohort, maybe you didn’t know them well enough, maybe you didn’t know enough children, maybe you didn’t know children suffering from parents who hated each other but still stayed together, etc. If we are going to make up things why not imagine a situation where the OP’s existing DC is delighted with becoming an older sibling and becomes a much better person through this relationship with his/her new sibling? After all I know quite a few children who enjoy having siblings.

[OnlineAlienator]

If we could only have kids when 100% certain the father wouldnt run off none of us would have kids.

[NonExistentFox]

Almost any life, unless it is a life not worth living, is better than non-existence.

It’s not twisted logic, it’s a perfectly valid philosophical argument that’s difficult to dispute.

You can't dispute that argument because it's circular.

Anyway OP it sounds like you've thought it through maturely. YANBU.

[PerverseConverse]

Bloody hell, did they put something in the water over Christmas?? I've never read so many batshit threads as I have done in the past 2 weeks.

[PerverseConverse]

How exactly do you co-parent now? Does you have 50:50 care of your child? How would co-parenting look with a new born when you ideally want someone there most of the time? What if the baby had medical issues at birth? Special needs? If he wanted to move away when he finds someone new? What do you think your chances are of finding someone for a relationship if they know you use someone for their sperm? What if you meet someone when pregnant and they want kids later-would you have a third? So many questions you need to be asking yourself.

[NewishMum85]

Newish you are confusing two different arguments

Nope. I'm really not. I'm not saying "every sperm is sacred". I am saying that it is a really, really bad idea to deliberately conceive a child when you have already split up from their father. There is a good chance the child won't be delighted that their parents are divorced and they have to live in two homes (assuming the dad even sticks around...) and will resent their parents - I don't think the OP will get very far in saying "at least you were born". And again, let's not forget about the existing child.

I'll say again, it's one thing to have a child and then later unfortunately have to split up. It's another to bring a child into a relationship knowing it has already failed.

[Girliefriendlikesflowers]

I know someone who had a child, knew that her marriage was over but stayed just long enough to conceive a second child and then ended the marriage.

There's nothing wrong with wanting two children with the same father, I can understand why you're tempted.

[violetxo]

Sounds great to me!
2 people that want to have a baby.
Both loving and caring people.
Good jobs.
Know each other well.
Both gunna be there for the kids.
Roof over the kids head.
Clothes on there back.
Food in there tummy.
I'm guessing you ex comes to your house to see his daughter and takes her to his or whatever. So there fore he would do this with the baby.
So.
What's the difference if there together or not ?
It's just like if they were together it'd be like the dad going out to work. But he would be back later to do baby duties ? And see the kids.
I'd say do it hun.
And have fun in the process 😉

[PurpleCrowbar]

I think YANBU.

One of my closest friends did this.

She was travelling/working overseas & met a gorgeous but frankly rather feckless slightly younger chap with whom she fell head over heels in lust. She became pregnant; he wasn't as keen on the whole parenthood/commitment thing, but to be fair to him, fell in love with their ds once he arrived & was a very involved dad.

They split (just not that much in common once the initial passion had worn off, but stayed friends & co-parented amicably).

Then a few years later, they both agreed that since everything was working so well, they'd have another child together - I haven't ever asked, but I suspect via a mutually enjoyable 'reunion' rather than a turkey baster.

Their two dc are now 17 & 12. Absolutely delightful kids, with parents who have a happy, relaxed, friendly relationship. The dad has since married, divorced & re-married, having another 3 kids along the way. Everyone seems to get along great.

My friend attributes this to the fact that her relationship with her ex rapidly morphed into an almost sibling like friendship, with her firmly cast as the slightly bossy sensible older sister, so neither of her ex's wives have ever had any reason to be jealous of her - & she isn't jealous because she simply doesn't see her ex as anything but co-parent & hasn't since before dc2 was conceived.

Their family set up is, honestly, one of the happiest ones I know. Whereas I had 3dc with an apparently doting xh who then turned out to be the most copper bottomed LTB arsehole imaginable! I'd trade him ANY day for an amiable co-parent...

So I wouldn't rule it out. So long as you're quite sure you genuinely won't mind when he then shacks up with someone & has more dc, & you can see the next dp/dw & dc getting the full setting up home together, 100% commitment etc that didn't work out for you guys...?

[Booboostwo]

Newish you can’t tell in advance what family arrangements will work out without being quite prejudiced against divorced and lone parents. And as it is the OP’s parenting style is actually working out at the moment. She is successfully co-parenting one, which bodes well for her chances of successfully co-parenting two. As for the existing child i’ve already speculated that she may love having a sibling and I don’t see why your random speculations are more valid than anyone else’s.

[NewishMum85]

I think raising a child as a lone or divorced parent is sub-optimal to say the least. The children that I knew from divorced families growing up were unhappy about it, and the parents I know now who are divorced have messy, complicated lives. Again, it's one thing if you end up in that situation as you find out after you have children that the relationship will not work, it's another to bring a child into this world knowing that they're going to have to deal with that.

It's like living in poverty. One thing if you have children and then lose your job - another if you know you can't afford children and do it anyway.

[KatyWhatsit]

She is successfully co-parenting one, which bodes well for her chances of successfully co-parenting two.

She is only 'just' successfully doing this. The child is only 2 (or 3) and there's another 20 years to go!

I think some posters here are not really noting the back history of these two people.

This is how it worked (or didn't.)
After 3 years and because I was pressuring him, he agreed to have a baby

But he refused to marry her. She was not 'the one'. He ran off. He's now back (but for how long? Till he finds The One?)

I have some sympathy for women who use a sperm donor. Or for a woman who maybe has a good platonic friend who is happy to provide sperm and co-parent.

What is different here, is that there is a very defined history with these two. There are complex emotions involved which -on the back history- do not bode well.

She is clearly still a bit in love with him (and her vitriol here towards me when I criticised him show that.) She wanted him to marry her- admits she pressurised him, couldn't 'persuade him to' and appears to be a very controlling person who 'wants what she wants'.

This situation has so much that could go wrong, namely that he will not be around as much as she thinks he will, his own life could be fucked up because any women worth her salt will question why he donated sperm to an ex, with whom he had no intention of marrying, but was happy to live in a semi-detached relationship with her (co-parenting.)

As others have said, we can all come along with anecdotal accounts of family A and family B who made a go of it and their kids are happy.

But this is not the best start for a child when there is a back history of a failed relationship which is only just re-established and where the OP clearly always wanted more.

He has shown himself to be unreliable.

I also find it very odd that we have got to 6 pages before the OP says it was all his idea

Odd.

[Booboostwo]

Newish while in many ways it is amazing that time travel works, i also wish you’d left some things back in the 1950s.

[KatyWhatsit]

Why is it that when posters disagree, someone has to accuse them of 'living in the past'? There are some ethical and moral issues that do not have a sell-by date on them. If they did, ethics would be a 'trend' and worthless.

If the only argument is 'oh you are so old-fashioned, why can't you embrace liberal / no values,' that person imo has lost the argument.

[bouncymonk]

I know this thread started a few days ago, but OP if you're still reading I have something to add.

At 39 you may not be lucky enough to get pregnant straight away. Speaking from experience, you may need to have sex every other day for many many months.

How many months will you be actively trying? One? Ten? Twenty two? What if, after several months of regular sex, there is no baby? How will this damage your amicable relationship?

TTC can be very very hard on the strongest couples. How would this effect you both and your existing child? Just something to think about.

[AmaryllisNightAndDay]

She was travelling/working overseas & met a gorgeous but frankly rather feckless slightly younger chap with whom she fell head over heels in lust. She became pregnant; he wasn't as keen on the whole parenthood/commitment thing, but to be fair to him, fell in love with their ds once he arrived & was a very involved dad.

So she wasn't hoping to marry him, and he didn't refuse but tell her that having a baby was just as a big a sign of love and commitment and then run away from the child when she ended the relationship?

It doesn't sound anything like the same situation.

[Onescaredmuma]

To be honest your first post I was unsure what I would do in your position. Your second one was clearer you sound much more like you have thought it through you sound intelligent and organised and like you understand the consequences of what you are doing and no to me you do not sound any more selfish than anyone wanting a child.
Go for it you both sound like you will be loving parents and will bring up happy little ones not sure what else matters.

[Booboostwo]

Katywhatsit ironically I am a moral philosopher and while I do agree with you the level of rational discourse in the general public is pitiful we disagree on exactly why. If a poster makes a point which is vulnerable to an objection but fails to even understand the objection and then keeps falling back on generalizing personal experiences with no empirical backing but fails to see why that is a problem, there is little else to be said.

[gaelle79]

@bouncymonk : you make very valid points. And I've thought about it too.
As I said before, we will do IUI (Intrauterine insemination). My Ob-gyn told me she usually doesn't recommend more than 4 attempts before either switching back to natural TTC or IVF.
So we agreed to do 4 rounds of IUI and if it doesn't work, that will be it, we will let go.
Having sex is not an option.

I know how stressful TTC can be. I've been there. The 2 weeks wait was very difficult for me and each failed cycle depressing.
So this time I really need to be mentally prepared for the fact that odds are not on my side, that more likely than not, it won't work.

I'm in a vey happy place right now. I have a strong desire for another child, apparently I'm broody ? :) (I've learned a new word, we don't have this notion in French). it doesn't mean I won't be happy if it doesn't work, but I need to try.

Our daughter will only be affected if I become miserable, depressed or extremely anxious but I don't think I will.

[AnotherEmma]

You're not a native English speaker?! I'm impressed with your English!

Good luck with the IUI. Sounds sensible to give it 4 attempts as advised then leave it if it doesn't work.

[gaelle79]

@AnotherEmma thank you :)

[bouncymonk]

Ah OP I missed the bit about IUI. Best of luck to you, hope it all works out

[NewishMum85]

Booboostwo There are lots of studies out there showing the impact of divorce on children. None positive unsurprisingly.

And if you're a professional philosopher then I'm the Queen of Sheba.

[Booboostwo]

Newish sure there, just none that you wish to link to for reasons known only to yourself....Your Majesty.

Good luck OP!

[TheVanguardSix]

I really, really, really hope it works out for you, OP. You don’t have to be together to be loving, amazing, dedicated parents.