to want another baby with my ex ?

[gaelle79]

Hi all, happy New Year!

My New Year resolution is to make up my mind about this and I need your honest (non-judgemental) opinions please.

My ex and I dated for 5 years. We didn’t work out because I was not the one for him.

At the time, I didn’t realize that and kept making up excuses for the fact that he was dragging his feet regarding commitment. After 3 years and because I was pressuring him, he agreed to have a baby. When I brought up marriage (again) he said having a baby was an even bigger commitment and that made sense to me.

During my pregnancy I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life and finally saw things for what they were: He was not in love with me and didn’t want to marry me so I broke up.
It was messy and painful, he went MIA for months and I resented him for that, for failing our daughter.

Now we are back in a good place, co-parenting and getting along.
The thing is I desperately want another baby. I’m 39 going on 40. It’s been 3 years since our breakup and I wanted to meet someone, to build a relationship and maybe have baby #2 but nothing…not even a fling :(

I know I will find that person, eventually but it could be tomorrow or in ten years! If I want another child, I don’t have much more time left so I’m really considering having it with him.

We talked about it and he is totally on board with the idea. Still, there is no chance for us to work out as a couple so we would have the baby and co parent as we currently do but that’s it.

Do you think I’m crazy to even consider this?

I know someone who did this, she finds being a single mum of two difficult but is glad her kids have the same dad and that she didn’t wait around to meet someone else because the age gap between kids would have been two big.

Can’t say whether I’d do it but I’d definitely consider it. Your age is a massive factor imho (not an insult - I’m only a little younger).

Of course there’s no guarantee siblings will get on, I haven’t heard off my own DB for years - no falling out, he’s just not interested - but I wouldn’t change my experience growing up with him.

DP has multiple siblings and wants our dd to remain an only because of that experience, but I see his relationships with them and their relationships with dd and would like her to have that. We’ve agreed to let fate decide, given how long it took to conceive dd the odds are on his side but he only agreed to that because he could concede that there is something in my argument.

My sister did this. Good relationship with ex didn't last. He was an ex for a reason. But at least this way there is only one ex to arrange weekend and holidays with.

I agree with everything KatyWhatsit has said. It's one thing to have a child and then decide for everyone's sake it would be better to divorce rather than stay together, but having another child after the relationship has already fallen apart is another kettle of fish.

There's no guarantee at all that the siblings would get on and what on earth would your child think about this? How would you explain that mummy and daddy aren't getting back together but are having another child.

I think it is selfish tbh. Arguably any decision to have a child is selfish but I would only consciously choose to have a child if I was in a relationship where they would have 2 loving parents who are together. Again, it's different if you accidentally get pregnant or are in a relationship which falls apart later because then you have to make the most of the situation, but this is different and sounds like a really terrible idea.

I would because then your daughter has a full biological sibling.

I’d do it, just be prepared for the co-parenting to end if he meets a new woman who doesn’t like it xx

@brokenhead Why do you think it is important for the child to have a bio sibling?

Have you some insider knowledge on families that shows this is best? Or are you just making an assumption they will love each other and get on?

I have 2 DCs with a 2 yr age gap. For most of their first 20 years they hated each other and I was a full time referee.

This bio sibling thing is nonsense.

The man in this scenario has already shown himself to be unreliable.

He ran off when the baby arrived, he dumped the OP, and oh, just for the moment he's pulling his weight. But given he's Mr Unreliable and the OP is still carrying a torch for him, it's a disaster waiting to happen all over again.

Can you just imagine if in 6 months he meets The One and she finds out he's provided sperm for his ex so she can fulfil her bio-desire to have Baby No 2.

And not only that, but he will continue to be in that child's life forever (perhaps- if he doesn't run away again.)
So continuing the bond with his ex.

A child is a constant reminder of the person who provided their DNA.
You look at the child, see your partner's features, often their personality as they grow up.

If someone has hurt you by dumping you, how can you ever leave the hurt behind if they have then fathered another child outside of the relationship? How can you have sex with them knowing they don't really care about you but are doing you a favour (out of guilt perhaps)?

@Gaelle79 I think you ought to seek counselling. You are not being honest with yourself over this. You still have strong feelings for this man and you are muddling it all up with your desire for another baby. Please get some therapy to work through it.

I'd do it 👌

I agree with Crunchymum , you would have to start having a sexual relationship for a number of months. That will not be good for you emotionally, affection would spill over into daily interactions and that could be confusing for your child. How would you feel when you've conceived and the sexual part finishes. I think you'll get your heart broken and jeopardise the good relationship you have. No judgment about having a baby alone, but I think a sperm donor would be better for your mental health .

I think it's a crazy idea but my cousin kind of did this after a four year gap because she didn't want the stigma ( as she saw it) of having two children by two different dads.

Is he thinking 'yes, it would be great for our child to have a full sibling' or is he thinking 'it might well never happen at 39 but Ill get a couple of years of regular shags plus she'll feel she owes me'?

So you broke up because you’re not “the one” for him. So as wth similar to PP, what about the future? You know, when he meets “the one”, has children with her, their own happy family and he has less time (and money) to go towards your children?

Thank you for your answers.
I respect and value every opinion voiced here but I would like to make a few clarifications:

1- I never said I want to have baby 2 with my ex because I absolutely want my kids to be full siblings. I totally understand that even sharing the exact same DNA (like homozygous twins) doesn't guarantee a good relationship.
I wanted to meet someone new, fall in love, build a relationship then have a baby. It didn't happen and now I'm running out of time.

I don't want to go for sperm donor because I don't want one child with a father and another one with none
My ex is the less complicated option here

2- A lot of you said it's one thing to get married, have children and get a divorce or whatever but it's a totally different (crazy and selfish) thing to have them this way. I genuinely don't understand why...at the end of the day, what difference does it make in child's life if his parents were married before or not ? IMO, the important thing is the quality of the relationship they have with both parents and that they feel loved

3- that brings me to this point. So far he has been a good dad, I don't no the future and maybe that will change in the future; but again, I know a lot of situation were divorced fathers stop seeing their children once they meet someone new or see them less often. this happens a lot around me. my own cousin spent a fortune in divorce lawyers to get joint custody. for 2 years or so, everything seemed perfect until he met his new wife. then he gradually took his children less often, eventually asked for his ex to take full custody and moved away. Now he barely talks to his kids twice a year.
Of course this is not what I want but I know things will change when one of us will meet someone. I'm prepared for that

4- my self esteem his perfectly fine. I know my worth, that's why I decided to break up when I realized he didn't love me. I'm not desperately trying to get back with him, I'm not in love with anymore and we would do IUI (no physical contact). we split more than 3 years ago. We see each other every week and never ever had sex again.

So all in all, i will probably go for it...

You both want to then why not? Do it.

Good for you OP.
It's clear that you've thought it through and fwiw I think your reasoning is sound.

Poor kid.

You are very selfish.

It's all me, me, me.

All decisions to have children are selfish. Everyone has children because they want them, to make themselves happy.

Of course that is only a responsible (selfish) wish to pursue if you are confident you can give them a happy loving home. OP sounds like she has her head screwed on and a decent coparent who will be a good father too, so I would think she has a very good chance of doing just that. At least as good as a typical "just married" still in a romantic haze. Maybe some people wouldn't consider that "enough" but I don't see what's wrong with it. The white picket fence hides horrors often enough that we should know not to judge people's characters or hearts by compliance with convention by now.

So the sex will just be a mechanical act to try to get pregnant? You know there is no love. I'm not sure how you will both DTD knowing it's so perfunctory, but that's up to the pair of you.

What I feel is so wrong about this- and I'm trying to be open minded- is this.

Bringing a child into the world should- ideally- be about what we can give to the child: a good life, a happy home, a settled base from which they can flourish till they fly the nest.

It should be less about what we want and how we feel the need to 'have another one' (for our own happiness.)

Yes, it sometimes goes wrong; couples split, die, or there are accidental pregnancies.

Your perspective is based solely on what you want. That's why posters are calling you selfish.

Although posters have pointed out the negatives, you don't seem to want to take those on board.

^So far he has been a good dad, [he wasn't initially- he's come back.]I don't no the future and maybe that will change in the future; but again, I know a lot of situation were divorced fathers stop seeing their children once they meet someone new or see them less often. this happens a lot around me. my own cousin spent a fortune in divorce lawyers to get joint custody. for 2 years or so, everything seemed perfect until he met his new wife. then he gradually took his children less often, eventually asked for his ex to take full custody and moved away. Now he barely talks to his kids twice a year.
Of course this is not what I want but I know things will change when one of us will meet someone. I'm prepared for that^

So you acknowledge what could happen and are willing to put your child through that?

It's all about YOU.
YOU might feel you can cope with that but what right have you to impose that on an innocent child who doesn't have this choice?

What do your close friends think about this?
Why come to a forum to ask?
What do your own parents have to say on it?
Do you come from a stable home with 2 parents?

Your biological desire to have another child ought to be controlled by the reality of your situation.

The first is financial- how will you manage to work and provide for 2 children?

Are you a high earner who can afford childcare for the next 18 years? Or are you going to depend on benefits? Or parents to look after their grandchildren?

Do you expect this man to pay for his children?

All I see is a selfish person screaming 'I want another baby' and with her fingers in her ears, not accepting it's a potential disaster- emotionally- for everyone involved. Sorry to sound harsh but as a parent with DCs now in their 30s, I don't think you have even begun to experience the rocky road of parenthood beyond toddler stage.

@Katywhatsit thank you for setting out your thoughts in more detail. You had sounded pretty reactionary in your previous posts but I can get more where you are coming from now.

On the sex part the OP has said she will use IUI/AI (not sex). And I don't think she has said anything about whether she loves her ex or not? I don't have sex with the father of my children and never have but we live together and love each other and provide a loving home to our children, and intend to do that for the rest of our lives. I don't see why children can only be happy if conceived through a passionate shag-fest... (in fact, I suspect most children would be much happier to imagine their parents had never done the deed... )

I do understand the concern that their co-parenting relationship may sour when/if they meet new partners. But then look at any newly married couple in their 20s expecting their first baby. There is a good chance they stay happily married and provide a stable and loving home life for their kids, which has to be a pretty good thing. There is also a good chance they end up unhappily married and bring up their kids in a home full of arguments and upset, or get divorced amicably and bring up their kids much as OP intends to do, or get divorced at each other's throats .... or anything between the options above. When I look at that list and the divorce stats, and then look at what OP is proposing, it looks to me like she has just as much chance of providing a happy and stable home with two loving parents in regular contact as those newlyweds, yet nobody would tell them they are selfish to have children and few would even tell them they should wait a few years until the marriage has settled and they have a better idea of whether it will survive in the long term?

Or put it another way, if OP meets a new man who she thinks is "the one" and has a baby with him within a year, do you think that has a higher or lower chance of providing a happy and harmonious home life for both children? I would guess lower (more of an unknown, passion hasn't yet worn off and they would have no idea if they are going to be compatible long term). But I get the sense that you'd be less worried in that scenario (maybe I'm wrong?)

That's why I think it's harsh to accuse the OP of being selfish. And of course she hasn't begun to experience the rocky road of parenthood beyond toddler stage but if she had then the option of having any more children (with her ex or anybody else) would be totally off the table).

Of course it's a potential disaster but so is every relationship: is this one really more likely to end in trauma? I've had a couple of friends who have had children in their 30s with men they've been married to for years, who then had mid life crises and ran off with younger models, rarely seeing their kids and treating the mothers terribly in order to assuage their own guilty conscience. This stuff happens and is worse than anything that is likely to happen to the OP or her kids. But we can't say that nobody should have kids in case of disaster?

Of course he is totally on board with the idea - he can drop it and run anytime he likes. And you will have to be very nice to him to stop him doing that.

I'd listen to this - any problems, he will go, and it will always be your fault. Someone will come along who is everything that you are not and you will be flying solo. This all smacks of manipulating him into being tied to you even more when he clearly doesn't want to be. Look elsewhere for what you want.

I actually think it's less selfish to have another child with him than try to meet someone else.

Your dc will have a sibling which I think is a wonderful thing...with the same father so they will both receive equal treatment and have a continuity of care.

I think it would be far more selfish for you to meet someone else, have a child with them and all the potential complications that could go along with them having different fathers...just to satisfy a romantic craving for a perfect relationship and fairytale that doesn't exist.

You are already committed to co-parenting with your ex and you have found a way to work with each other, so he is the obvious choice. Have you discussed it with him at all? What about the practicalities of conception?

@LightTripper
I don't mind the 'reactionary' label. I'm a parent of DCs in their 30s and I know only too well the long hard road that parenting can be.

I get your point but I still don't agree with it. I said I acknowledge that divorce/ splits happen. The difference is though- and you must see this- is that those parents were together at the time of conception and went into it together. That is very different from using an ex (who dumped you) as a sperm donor. Of course parents split up but more stay together than split, actually. I don't think your argument is valid because the onus ought to be on trying to stay together when at all possible. This 'couple' are not on the same page now.

And sperm donors- they are in decline as young men appreciate the claim their children can have on them in the future now that the law has been changed.

I think where you and I differ is fundamental. I agree relationships break down. But I don't think it's ethically right to bring a child into a complex situation just because you want another child. It's not as if she is childless. I'd have more compassion if she was.

She has already had to beg this guy for a child when he wasn't keen. I have said- and will say again- I think he is agreeing to this out of guilt for dumping her.

It takes 2 to make a baby. HE ought to be the one on this thread too. he needs to own up why - having not wanted one in the first place- he is now happy to provide sperm. How does he see it impacting on his life? How does he think a new partner will view his decision to provide sperm to an ex who he walked away from? How will any future partner feel about the time, energy and maybe money he has to put into his other children with this ex? I think he is equally blind to the potential messiness.

Kids of 2 yrs old are fun. But then they grow up- there are GCSEs, A levels, uni, work, their relationships.....they are hard work! neither the OP nor this guy have any idea of what's coming. (I love my kids to bits by the way but won't deny parenting is bloody hard at times even with 2 active parents.)

I think he sounds weak, shallow and quite irresponsible.

And I don't feel it's a good argument to say (summarising) 'Oh loads of people split up anyway...'

Plenty of women are happy with one child. I don't know why the OP can't see that it's better to stick with what she has than open another can of worms by adding in another child. Because that is plain selfishness. Sorry!

is this one really more likely to end in trauma?

Yes it is. She already knows for sure this man can't be relied on. She is just setting a very low bar for what she expects from the man/men who father her children. This one has already run off once and things may be nice now but as soon as they stop being quite so nice for him he'll be off again, this time abandoning two children instead of just one.

Or put it another way, if OP meets a new man who she thinks is "the one" and has a baby with him within a year, do you think that has a higher or lower chance of providing a happy and harmonious home life for both children?

Yes indeed, who can reliably make a good decision that fast and under pressure? But avoiding one poor decision doesn't make the other decision any good either.

we live together and love each other and provide a loving home to our children, and intend to do that for the rest of our lives. I don't see why children can only be happy if conceived through a passionate shag-fest...

Passion isn't needed but commitment is, to the children at least. Your DP has that, but her ex has not shown much commitment to his child(ren) so far and the OP wants to believe it doesn't matter.

IMO, the important thing is the quality of the relationship they have with both parents and that they feel loved

I agree with you. But how is this compatible with

I know a lot of situation were divorced fathers stop seeing their children once they meet someone new or see them less often. this happens a lot around me.

So how does that make children feel loved? You don't like it, but you accept it's a very likely outcome for your future child and you're still going ahead?

OP, you have a child and a living situation that more or less works at least for the time being. But is this really a good enough situation to bring another child into?

my self esteem his perfectly fine. I know my worth, that's why I decided to break up when I realized he didn't love me.

OK, then why would you put yourself in a position where your ex can walk all over you and you will have to suck it up for the sake of maintaining his relationship with the children? Because he's not committed to them, any more than he is to you.

@KatyWhatsit I'm the one who posted the question here. That's why I respectfully read all the answers and so far refused to take the bait with anyone but enough is enough.

You insulted me, my ex, made definitive judgements based on "your perception" without knowing any of the details of our lives. If you have children in their 30s, I assume you are in your 50s, at least. I may be a selfish brat but you sound like a very unkind, mean-spirited and judgemental person.

I didn’t want to dignify you with a long and detailed answer but I will tell you this since it seems REALLY important TO YOU.

1- I'm a financial exec in the banking industry. I make >100K€ per year, own my apartment in Paris and never received a dime in "benefits" in my life and that, for a French woman (born and raised), is a record! So don’t worry, I won’t use your tax money to provide for my family.

2- My parents are 2 retired MD. They divorced when I was in my 20s. They had an unhappy marriage but stayed together for us (the kids). That was a terrible decision because we ended up being all really miserable. Still, they raised my 3 siblings and me to be law abiding, hard-working and compassionate people.

3- You know nothing about my ex. He's a financial risk manager, a strong and confident man. I couldn’t bring him to marry me but somehow, was able to manipulate him into having a baby?
I didn't force him to have a child. HE came up with the idea first. I was reluctant at first because I wanted to get married first so HE convinced me that having a baby was a bigger commitment and stronger proof of his love and willingness to build a life with me. He wanted our daughter and he loves her. Yes he made a mistake but he regretted it, asked for forgiveness and is now doing his best to be a good father.

4- In a perfect world, I would have Beyoncé’s body, be Queen of the UK, married to Ashton Kutcher and have 4 kids. Life is not perfect; children are born every day in very imperfect circumstances and still, they strive. They are very resilient beings.

5- You don’t think it’s “ethically right to bring a child into a complex situation just because you want another child”? Oh I can’t imagine what you must think of Gay people having bio kids, single women using sperm donors, poor people having large families… Having a child always start with a selfish desire to have a mini me to love, be loved by and complete your family/world. I don’t think you made a spread sheet or a SWAT assessment to decide whether or not you should have a child? You obviously didn’t since you had them…

Finally, asking a question here doesn't mean I need your blessing. At the end of the day it's my life and I’ll do exactly what I want and I couldn’t give less of a f*about what you think