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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re a colleague and extended paternity leave

95 replies

HollaHolla · 03/01/2019 00:15

I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but as I don’t have kids, I really don’t know if this is the norm.

I work in a team of three, currently, and one of my team is a chap who’s wife had a bit of a tricky pregnancy due to a chronic, but well-managed, health condition. He’s a bit of an over-sharer, so we all know all of the details of the issues.

His wife was taken in 2 weeks early, and induced, and the baby was well, and they were home within the usual 48 hours, and in the office for the ‘baby visit’ within the first fortnight. He took paternity leave - 2 weeks as planned. All so far fine, very happy and very cute.

Then there’s been an issue with the baby’s breathing/swallowing, and he’s been in and out of hospital a couple of times, unfortunately. However, my colleague has since been signed off sick for the eight weeks since the baby’s birth. There’s no sign of his return, as he’s now been signed off until end Jan.

My question is that is this normal, or am I being disparaging to think that he could be making some attempt to come to work. I’m particularly miffed, as I’m picking up his work, as the third member of our team is working her notice period at present, and our boss says there’s no point in passing over work to her, as she’s leaving in two weeks. I’m finding it increasingly hard to be sympathetic, as I’m the one picking up the load, with no thanks or recompense. Is this normal to be off because your baby is poorly (but not life-threateningly so), or is this colleague simply less resilient than I expected?

Thanks for views of those who might have been in the situation of having the poorly baby. Did you feel you had to have your partner there, or did they feel they had to be there 24/7.
Prepared to be flamed!!

OP posts:
shpoot · 03/01/2019 00:18

If a newborn can't breathe or swallow I'd imagine that could be life threatening Hmm.

Your issue is with your manager not your colleague. They need to get temporary cover. He's off sick and has a sicknote. You are BVU to judge him on that

PoliticalBiscuit · 03/01/2019 00:18

Breathing and swallowing in babies are literally emergency problems. I'm sorry I get why you're tired but that's work's problem. Do you have any supervisory role or are you just picking up all the slack?

It must be very tiring - Your colleague who is moving on should be encouraged to do more and after 2 months the one off sick should be covered somehow!

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 03/01/2019 00:19

This is a management problem, not the fault of your colleague.

Their failure to find cover isn’t his problem, and it should be something that you should be raising with them if your workload is getting too much.

drinkygin · 03/01/2019 00:19

I think you’re right to feel miffed, but you’re directing it at the wrong person. A problem with swallowing and breathing sounds quite serious in a newborn, and your colleague has every right to be at home with his wife and child. However, your boss shouldn’t expect you the pick up the slack without help. Why can’t your colleague who’s working her notice help? She hasn’t left yet!

coffeekittens · 03/01/2019 00:19

It’s not your colleagues fault that your boss isn’t looking into some sort of cover whilst your colleague is looking after his unwell baby and supporting his wife. YABU. YANBU to feel under pressure but you’re directing your frustration at the wrong person, your manager needs to sort something out if you’re going to be in the position of doing 2 other peoples work load as well as your own.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2019 00:20

It won't just be for the Baby, hell be supporting his Partner.

A breathing/swallowing issue in a Newburn can be life threatening.

I less you are saving lives, yourself, work can spare you.

Fluffyears · 03/01/2019 00:20

I’d say he’s probably off with stress since his baby sounds very ill. I think his child is first on his mind before work.

Birdsgottafly · 03/01/2019 00:20

Newborn, even.

AntiHop · 03/01/2019 00:21

I don't understand. Do you mean he's been given parental leave or he's unwell himself?

Schmoobarb · 03/01/2019 00:22

I’d say he’s probably off with stress since his baby sounds very ill. I think his child is first on his mind before work.

This

Kintan · 03/01/2019 00:22

I can see why you are frustrated but this does sound like a serious medical problem. Even if it wasn’t though it sounds like your manager isn’t doing their job correctly if you are feeling over stretched and under appreciated!

Repertory · 03/01/2019 00:22

But he’s not ‘helping out’ his partner. This is his sick baby. It’s more important than his job.

Stop blaming an innocent party and blame a line manager not ensuring cover.

Original poster
HollaHolla · 03/01/2019 00:26

Thanks all.
I’m just going on what’s he’s telling us re the baby’s health. He keeps saying ‘oh it’s nothing serious. He’s fine - just a minor thing.’ I fully appreciate a poorly baby is a worrying thing, and I’m surprised about how offhand he is when he pops by fairly regularly - often with the little boy.

I absolutely agree I’ve got a major management problem. Sadly my manager is awful. Passive aggressive, unable to manage people or workload, and has no idea what we’re doing day to day, or how to do any of it. I cracked the week before Xmas when I asked for a meeting with her, only to be told she was too busy until mid-Jan. I forced the issue, and got 15 mins. During which I showed her my workload and to do list. She just went ‘hmmm yes - I’ve got a lot to do as well....’ When I pushed it, I was told to just work a bit harder.

It will serve her right if I go off sick too. There will be no sickness cover. I work in a particularly cash-strapped area in the third sector, and we almost never get sickness or maternity cover. I’m utterly sick of it. Which is what’s probably making me quite uncharitable in my views.

OP posts:
ILoveChristmasLights · 03/01/2019 00:26

Did you feel you had to have your partner there, or did they feel they had to be there 24/7

Did you even consider he might want to be there? It’s HIS baby too, not just his wife’s.

As for resilient. WTF? How judgy and nasty.

Management thought you could cope, you can’t, tell them you need help.

angelikacpickles · 03/01/2019 00:28

I don't understand. Do you mean he's been given parental leave or he's unwell himself?

This. Why is he on sick leave if it's his baby who is sick? Surely it's parental leave or something?

Hulloa · 03/01/2019 00:29

Your boss IBU if they haven't arranged cover for what they now know is an extended absence. Your colleague INBU at all to take time off to care for a baby who by the sound of it is dangerously ill. Think about it in terms of your own body - if you were having difficulty either breathing or swallowing you'd be in a pretty bad way. The same applies only more so to a newborn.

Lougle · 03/01/2019 00:29

All newborns do is suck, breath and swallow! They have to be able to co-ordinate sucking, breathing and swallowing to survive. If they can't, they either suffocate, drown, or dehydrate and die of malnutrition.

So breathing and swallowing problems really are important to newborns.

Purpleartichoke · 03/01/2019 00:32

Especially if she has a chronic health problem, she may be less equipped to be the only parent dealing with a fragile baby at night and for appointments.

I think we should be applauding men who carve out the time to take care of their children and family’s. Women will only find equality if both sexes embrace this role.

Original poster
HollaHolla · 03/01/2019 00:32

I’m unsure about the status of his leave, whether it’s sick or parental. It’s not my place to ask, and he just keeps saying he’ll be taking a bit longer off. However, if it’s parental, after 2 weeks it’s either the SMP or unpaid (depending on length of service) so given my employer isn’t spending on full salary, you’d rather think they could spend on some backfill/cover......

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 03/01/2019 00:32

Unless he’s a fucking heart surgeon and people will die if he doesn’t trot up to work then I think you should have some empathy

Some people think that time spent with family in extreme circumstances is pretty important

You come on here missing snot him, when in reality you should have started your op about your shitty boss and workplace

Who in their right mind thinks what he’s done is not ok

Travisandthemonkey · 03/01/2019 00:33

Missing snot him!!?? That’s clearly it what I meant!!

Travisandthemonkey · 03/01/2019 00:34

Not
Bloody hell!

Anyway if he’s signed off till end jan then you need to insist on help

Original poster
HollaHolla · 03/01/2019 00:34

I should say thanks to those who have taken the time to explain about the challenges of a poorly baby. I always think it sounds serious when he tells us about the concerns, but he keeps saying it’s not serious, which is all I’ve had to go on.
Not being parents (sadly, not through choice) means that I don’t know what is and isn’t serious and requires support.

OP posts:
shpoot · 03/01/2019 00:36

He might not want to get into it with you. It's private. And it's scary.

user139328237 · 03/01/2019 00:37

I do think some doctors need to be reminded what 'sickness' is for work and are currently overgenerous in issuing sick notes for 'stress' for situations where a different type of (probably unpaid) leave is more appropriate.

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