AIBU re a colleague and extended paternity leave

[HollaHolla]

I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but as I don’t have kids, I really don’t know if this is the norm.

I work in a team of three, currently, and one of my team is a chap who’s wife had a bit of a tricky pregnancy due to a chronic, but well-managed, health condition. He’s a bit of an over-sharer, so we all know all of the details of the issues.

His wife was taken in 2 weeks early, and induced, and the baby was well, and they were home within the usual 48 hours, and in the office for the ‘baby visit’ within the first fortnight. He took paternity leave - 2 weeks as planned. All so far fine, very happy and very cute.

Then there’s been an issue with the baby’s breathing/swallowing, and he’s been in and out of hospital a couple of times, unfortunately. However, my colleague has since been signed off sick for the eight weeks since the baby’s birth. There’s no sign of his return, as he’s now been signed off until end Jan.

My question is that is this normal, or am I being disparaging to think that he could be making some attempt to come to work. I’m particularly miffed, as I’m picking up his work, as the third member of our team is working her notice period at present, and our boss says there’s no point in passing over work to her, as she’s leaving in two weeks. I’m finding it increasingly hard to be sympathetic, as I’m the one picking up the load, with no thanks or recompense. Is this normal to be off because your baby is poorly (but not life-threateningly so), or is this colleague simply less resilient than I expected?

Thanks for views of those who might have been in the situation of having the poorly baby. Did you feel you had to have your partner there, or did they feel they had to be there 24/7.
Prepared to be flamed!!

given my employer isn’t spending on full salary, you’d rather think they could spend on some backfill/cover

Why would they, when someone is seemingly willing to do his work for no extra reward?

If this is going to be an ongoing problem, you absolutely need to speak to your manager about staffing levels and think carefully about how much unpaid overtime etc you take on.

Put your frustrations about your colleague to one side, as I can guarantee that he would 100% rather be back at work after a relaxed paternity leave rather than spending his days at hospital worrying about a very sick newborn.

So it's "not serious" as in "baby is not in NICU." Having to do hospital a lot with a newborn is exhausting, and likely his wife needs the support just to stay upright. Your manager sounds awful.

Yabu to blame your co-worker

The team member that's leaving should be training uo and having a handover with their replacement or cover for the team member on extended leave.

I'd request another meeting with your manager with a to do list to see what priorities they would like you to work on. Not work harder or do more, which of the team's work that normally takes three people takes precedence.

To those who have been rude - I do have empathy, which is why I’ve asked him how things are, and whether we, his colleagues, can offer any practical or emotional support. As I’ve said, I can only go on what he tells us. He comes in about once a week, with the baby (we work very local to his home), and always says it’s ‘nothing serious; nothing to worry about’. I can see that he may not want to tell us, and that’s fine too, but I’d feel rude not asking how they are, when he comes into our workplace.
To others who have been more direct in response - we’re not heart surgeons, but do work for the NHS (through a charity) so the backlog of work has a direct effect on patients awaiting results and treatment plans, so whilst I owe my shitty managers nothing, I have a conscience, and don’t want people to suffer any longer than necessary.

Thanks again to those who have given me parents views, and info on potential child health issues. I appreciate it, and do realise it’s my incompetent management structure I should be most angry at.

I would definitely prioritise spending time with my baby who was in and out of hospital with breathing and swallowing issues over working!

Thanks for views of those who might have been in the situation of having the poorly baby. Did you feel you had to have your partner there, or did they feel they had to be there 24/7.
Luckily, our DC have never had serious long term illnesses. But our DC are our DC, not my DC who DH happens to babysit sometimes so yes I would assume he would also be very worried if our baby was hospitalised.

Are you Eleanor Oliphant?!

As others have said breathing and swallowing issues in a newborn can be life-threatening.
I could have said that about my dn. He died from complications associated with that at a month old.

Glad I don’t work with you. You seem like a nosey nightmare

I can see why it may be frustrating 1) he keeps popping in , 2) he’s telling you it’s nothing serious.

Our DD was born early and was in hospital for 3 weeks and then readmitted twice within the first month of being home. DHs work was not remotely helpful during any of this (in honesty I think there actions were probably illegal) and we will never forget it. He has since left. We were very private about this period of time and only close family and friends new the ins and outs. In honesty I think some of my colleagues probably don’t realise just how early and sick DD was.

So likelihood is they just really don’t want to talk about it, and try and get some normality. Although it would frustrate me him bringing said sick baby in all the time, if baby is sick it can’t be good to get office germs

I’m finding it increasingly hard to be sympathetic

You don't need to be sympathetic - if you're not, you're not. However, as PPs have said, it's a management issue and the fact it's a baby is a red herring which tends to make people assume it's the mother's issue to deal with. It's not.

They may well be in and out of hospital (my DD used to stop breathing all the time as a newborn and we'd be back and forth by ambulance on a regular basis, on top of traipsing to specialists all over the place), the mother might have complications or the absence might be stress-related - who knows?

My colleague had a nasty accident recently which has result led in months off work - we all had to pick up the slack; it happens in teams sometimes. If you're not happy with your work situation, speak to your boss.

Witchend so sorry

OP I get if you dont know about babies and he's downplaying it you'd wonder if maybe this was not a big deal and feel frustrated that it's piling up on you if he could be in work. But this is a manager issue not a colleague one.

I think Technical's approach is good - explicitly go to your manager (who sounds completely crap) and say look, this is what I've got to do, obviously there's no way it will all get done with us at two thirds capacity, so what's the priority. Hopefully that will focus her mind.

As for doctors and sick notes, I guess they do it so that people don't lose pay.

For example a very good friend sadly lost her dh in horrendous circumstances a couple of years ago and was signed off sick by her doctor for a while. I hope nobody begrudged her keeping her income going when she'd lost her dh's salary from the household on top of everything else. Likewise with this guy if his wife is on maternity leave their income will be reduced anyway so they shouldn't have the stress of unpaid leave on top of caring for a sick newborn.

OP, I am childless, not by choice, and my workload has increased massively due to my colleague having four children/maternity leaves in the ten years we’ve worked together. It is entirely my employers’ fault, in no way hers, but I can’t help feel resentful when she skips off early for a sports day or nativity play.

My employer is hugely family friendly, because the childless pick up the slack for no extra money or thanks.

So while we are both absolutely U, I completely understand how you feel.

@Coolaschmoola
I was thinking that!

Before I go to bed, just wanted to say I am genuinely sorry to hear of those who have had very sick children, and a DN who passed away.

I’ve come from a place of genuine ignorance in this situation, and have taken things at face value. Sadly, we’re never likely to be able to be parents ourselves, but those posters who have been kind and factual have helped. I’ve made a note in my diary for 8.30 tomorrow to tell my boss I need to see her, and have a list of three agencies where we can potentially find suitably qualified temps from in the meantime (not holding my breath tho...)

@coolas Who is Eleanor Oliphant? I’m fairly new to posting here, despite being a lurker on and off, so sorry if I don’t recognise regular posters.

holia she is a character in a book (Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine) who is completely ignorant of social norms. The book is excellent, but no, you are nothing like her.

@Judy ahhh thanks. I thought it reminded me of something, but hasn’t realised it was a book. Feels like I’ve not read a novel in forever... (studying, work, I’ll health/caring).
Thanks also for your post - I completely get it. It IS a management issue.

Firstly,he may be saying it’s minor but that doesn’t mean it is. It’s just none of your business. His wife could have PND and threatening to kill herself every time the baby cries. This happened to a friend of mine when the baby was sick. He’s not going to tell you if something like that is happening. He’s been signed off. Therefore, it’s not your place to judge or question his resilience because you don’t know the full story. If his wife does have postnatal psychosis then get ready because he won’t be back at the end of Jan!
You’re going to need to insist they get in temporary cover if you aren’t coping with the increased workload. Your issue is with management and HR.

Follow through with your plans to speak to your manager tomorrow. Whenever possible put your requests in writing so you have a paper trail. Follow up anything said with an email saying something to the effect of ‘further to our earlier conversation....’ or ‘as discussed earlier, I have concerns about/I will do x’.

Key phrases to use - I need support/guidance on this; workload is unsustainable; unwilling to continue at this pace; concerned about my own stress levels.

If you are NHS related, these should be red flags to your manager. If they are not, flag it up to her superior.

You really don’t need to be a parent to offer insight. “It’s fine” is obvious a cover for ‘I’m scared but I can’t say it out loud becarse it makes the fears real’. It sounds like he’s gone and is going through, a very stressful time and needs some time where his focus isn’t being distracted.

You’re rightly concerned about the pressure you’re under but that’s the fault of management. Empathy is more than making the right noises when the person who is going through a tough time is in front of you

Good luck with flagging this up again with your manager, who has a duty of care to you too.

Good luck with your manager, I think you need to be firm and say its not sustainable for the next x amount of weeks and that you do not wish to also be signed off but that's the route its heading down without a change.

I'm glad you realised it's a managerial failure and not your colleagues.

OP would you like this guy to come into work while his baby is fighting for it's life?
Really?

OP I think it's great that you're taken the time to post this and ask for experiences. We have a 4.5 month old and all was well until 32 weeks into my pregnancy when she wasn't growing well and I had to have almost daily BP checks and weekly scans. The aim was to keep DD in utero for as long as possible but not so long as for the placenta to start to fail (as they suspected this might be the cause). DHs boss was awful about him coming with me to weekly scans even when he explained that at any one they could send me off for an emergency c section. His boss said that we needed to push for them to 'find and sort out the issue' as if I was going to be diagnosed with a chest infection or broken bone that could be fixed. He even booked DH on training away from home the week of my due date.

DD was delivered at 38 weeks and DH had his planned 2 weeks parental and 2 weeks annual leave. This was really stressful as DD was very unwell and nearly didn't make it. I was living in the hospital with DD so I needed DH to bring me supplies, offer emotional support, and help make potentially life changing decisions about DD. He is of course an equal parent. I was also recovering from a c section. Despite his initial leave being planned, DH had an awful time going back to work. His boss didn't understand that his 4 weeks off had been emotional, draining and devastated both of us rather than a little holiday. DH had a breakdown at work and has been signed off for 6 weeks now. DD is actually completely fine but the experience as taken a toll on us personally, has fractured our extended family and has almost ruined our marriage. Please don't underestimate the stress of having a poorly baby and the need to be present both to help and to be part of potentially life changing decisions.

I have a bit of experience with this kind of thing in a new baby as DD was similar. No it's not serious on a "watch the clock whilst my baby might die" basis but it is fucking terrifying. We used to have to keep her upright for hours after every feed in case she choked which is utterly exhausting and simply can't be taken on by one person. She was blue lighted to hospital twice due to choking fits and we were really lucky we caught one of them as it happened silently at night. The only way we could get sleep without going into full meltdown that she may have died was literally for one of is to stay awake and watch her whilst the other slept. We were really worried she was going to choke and die in her sleep and that it would be silent and not wake us.

Btw I've also worked in departments where cover isn't provided and the workload is too much so I do sympathize with you OP. It's shit but your frustration should be directed at your manager.