AIBU re a colleague and extended paternity leave

[HollaHolla]

I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but as I don’t have kids, I really don’t know if this is the norm.

I work in a team of three, currently, and one of my team is a chap who’s wife had a bit of a tricky pregnancy due to a chronic, but well-managed, health condition. He’s a bit of an over-sharer, so we all know all of the details of the issues.

His wife was taken in 2 weeks early, and induced, and the baby was well, and they were home within the usual 48 hours, and in the office for the ‘baby visit’ within the first fortnight. He took paternity leave - 2 weeks as planned. All so far fine, very happy and very cute.

Then there’s been an issue with the baby’s breathing/swallowing, and he’s been in and out of hospital a couple of times, unfortunately. However, my colleague has since been signed off sick for the eight weeks since the baby’s birth. There’s no sign of his return, as he’s now been signed off until end Jan.

My question is that is this normal, or am I being disparaging to think that he could be making some attempt to come to work. I’m particularly miffed, as I’m picking up his work, as the third member of our team is working her notice period at present, and our boss says there’s no point in passing over work to her, as she’s leaving in two weeks. I’m finding it increasingly hard to be sympathetic, as I’m the one picking up the load, with no thanks or recompense. Is this normal to be off because your baby is poorly (but not life-threateningly so), or is this colleague simply less resilient than I expected?

Thanks for views of those who might have been in the situation of having the poorly baby. Did you feel you had to have your partner there, or did they feel they had to be there 24/7.
Prepared to be flamed!!

READ THE THREAD.

The OP has admitted she doesn't know if he is signed off sick, on parental leave or taken unpaid leave!!! she should just butt out of his side of the story.

Her actual issue is how to cope with the workload on her own as her management team appear to have told her other colleague who is leaving she can have a free ride until she goes. The Op should just be tackling her bosses as to what work she is to feasibly do when they are short staffed. Why or on what basis the colleague is off is irrelevant and just just really nice to be blaming him for her predicament,

I have a seriously ill child and have spent the last three months in and out of the children’s hospital. I recently met a woman who has been living in the parents accommodation for THREE YEARS.

GPs will generally provide certificates for the parents of seriously ill children - they need a parent/guardian with them - you can’t send a poorly kid to daycare/school/a childminder. My daughter has been in school for less than 3 hours this entire academic year.

OP - you have no idea what your colleague and his partner have been through, nor the current state of the new mother’s health.

It’s none of your business.

Work sounds shit however, but it’s not your colleague’s fault, nor is it his problem.

You’ve had advice from others on how to approach management so I will just say that if the workload is causing undue stress you should absolutely approach your GP for support and time off if appropriate. Take care of your own backyard and let your colleague take care of his.

If my newborn could potentially die then I would want to be with them too.

OP - I don’t think you are grasping the potential seriousness of the situation.

Tbh, if he has been off for 8+ weeks either unpaid with very minimal pay then I would assume that things are really serious.
I mean think about it. Here is a father who is now the one person earning a wage in the family and has a young baby and a wife to ‘provide for’. Do you really think he would keep taking more and more time off with the result financial hardship if he didn’t need to?

I’d a,so be weary about his ‘it’s not serious’ comments. How many people minimise what’s going on? You know the old chestnut of ‘how are you doing? I’m fine thank you. Just a bit tired’ from someone in the last stages of cancer. Despite his ‘oversharing’, therebis still thé distinct possibility that you know little about what is going on. Esp with his child.

I imagine that it isn’t that serious because he and his wife are managing the situation and monitoring their child carefully. As someone with a chronic health condition pregnancy and birth is very very debilitating. I became ill due to ivf and I never recovered. No way would I be strong enough to be in and out of hospital with my dd. She does have a health condition and we have called an ambulance a couple of times to her before diagnosis and the school has called it once. That was frightening enough.

I hope you get somewhere with your manager. I had issues in my job many years ago and went directly to the VP because my workload was such that clients were getting served so poorly but this was a company wide failure and I couldn’t do my job properly because of it. It gave the company a kick up the backside and things changed. It’s a risky strategy but by that stage I simply didn’t care. In any case you need to look after you as well as the clients.

He comes in about once a week, with the baby

Why? Sorry, but if my fairly new born child had been in and out of hospital a few times with a breathing condition, and I was signed off work for eight weeks, the last thing I would be doing would be going into my office with the baby on a weekly basis. If you're signed off sick, you're signed off sick and stay well away.

I've also been where the OP as have many friends of mine over the years. The truth is that this happens far more often than people realise, whereby companies do not bring in temps or maternity cover, but just expect other staff to pick up the slack without any additional recompense or support or recognition.

Op you know what the answer is don’t you? Find another job where they don’t treat people like this, hand your notice in and go. Not your problem then.

I don’t think a lot of people have RTFT as they keep missing the line mentioned above! The baby is clearly not about to ‘potentially die’ as one poster said if the man keeps being the baby into work! And so if he says the baby's fine, I’d believe him!

OP I’d also meet with your manager but she doesn’t agree to extra staff, ask her to prioritise the work for you so she herself can see how much you can get through per day.

A poorly newborn is really serious. Obviously how poorly though does impact the seriousness!

I'm going to go against the grain a bit as I work in the public sector where we have so much piss taking. Is this the first time your colleague has been off (other than the usual holidays booked etc)? If so, cut him some slack. If he is using unpaid parental leave, or annual leave, rather than being signed off sick, then to be honest it's up to him/his manager how he uses his time and you have no right to interfere.

If however he's known for this, takes time off sick for various different, mystery ailments all the time; doesn't pull his weight when in work; and you know he's definitely signed off sick and therefore getting full pay, then YANBU. As I said I see a lot of this! It annoys me greatly but there's not much you can do as a doctor's note trumps everything, apparently. The GPS are at fault too, as they're far too eager to hand them out.

His problems are not your concern, they are between him and the manager.
Your problem is that your manager wants you to do two jobs, you can't.
You can do your job or his job or part of each. Depending how full on your own job is you might be expected to cover essential tasks for a colleague who is off for a few days, but not for weeks
Your manager should help you prioritise, it's not appropriate for you to have only high stress work from both jobs, if there is regular background work that can't be done and will impact on you later.
If your manager won't help I would write to them with a copy to their manager saying what you can and can't do. Where is your union.
You can go off sick but it will affect references.

Where is your union

There are many jobs where there is no union. Or people are lowly paid and can't afford to pay their subs. Or the union is so ineffectual there is simply no point.

With babies that young it’s always reasonably serious when they’re ill.

However, OP, it’s actually absolutely none of your business and you don’t have any idea whether you have anything like the full picture of what’s going on (it seems highly likely you do not). Suffice to say that this poor guy is dealing with some difficulties and his GP / your employer are satisfied he needs time off to do so. End of. Stop trying to figure out if he’s being ‘sufficiently resilient’.

Stop blaming your colleague and try to sort out your work problems. If your manager has over loaded you and is incompetent, time to go over their head. It is totally crap, I think anyone can understand that, but frankly resenting your colleague and his poorly baby is the pits.

Thank you to those posters who took the time to help me unpick this, and gave me good and kind advice on how to approach this, and help me in crystallising on where my frustration should actually lie. Thanks to those who gave their experiences, and I’m sorry to hear of the babies who were so ill, and the effects it’s had on families, I hope you find that the continued illness in children and parents alike has improved.

Unfortunately my meeting didn’t go particularly well this AM.
My boss further displayed the outcomes of being promoted above her ability. I went with a list of ‘to do’ items, priorities for timescales, and concerns - including the absorption of another full time job, and the ongoing backlog this would cause. The best way to describe this is that if you could normally get through about 25 appointments a day as a regular workload, and you suddenly had to up that to 50 a day. I am experienced, accurate and efficient, and generally get through say 35-40 a day (some things have a set time limit on them, so can’t be speeded up.) I used much of the language I was advised by helpful PPS. I explained I was concerned I couldn’t bear this continued additional workload, and that I had already been doing this for 8 weeks, and the backlog was XX. My boss simply said, ‘I’ve already told you - you’ll just have to do your best, and continue to work harder!’ She also said that there will be a 6 week gap between my other colleague leaving, and her replacement beginning in post. She asked me to come up with a plan to cover this gap, alongside any continued absence of my colleague who is off. I wasn’t able to be polite, so I didn’t say anything - I was so taken aback that I was being expected to cover 3 jobs worth of workload during this time - and that I was being asked to plan the workload, and do part of HER job.

I’ve emailed her with a follow up saying it would be useful to have our discussion down in writing, so I’d summarised a note of what I’d said was possible, and what she wished the outcome to be - and why i’d advised it wasn’t possible. I’d also said that the only plan I could Immediately come up with meant a reduction in work being done, and that we needed to source temp team members.

She’s furious. She phoned me and demanded I come back to see her again, and I said I didn’t feel it was a good idea until we both had the opportunity to take some time to come up with other solutions. I then contacted my union rep, who is equally appaulled at the response. I think it would only be a matter of time before I’m off sick at this rate. I’m already exhausted by it all.... I was physically unwell over the holidays as I am so run down.

To those few posters who keep returning to aim kicks at me, I’d really rather you didn’t, please. I posted from a place of some ignorance and desperation, and I realised some way back in the thread that I’ve been wrong in feeling frustrated towards my colleague. I explained I was taking his statements during his regular visits at face value, as I haven’t interrogated him - which would be entirely inappropriate. I now get that IABU in my original post; I’ve apologised and acknowledged this a number of times; and it would be appreciated if returning posters could read my later posts and stop with being unfairly rude.

I think I won’t return to this thread, as it’s not helping with my stress around work, but thanks to those who have helped me sort my thought process out. It really has been much appreciated, and I have valued the unpicking of this, to realise I could be more supportive to my colleague in this difficult situation. I’ll go to the Employment Boards in the future.

OP, I think you've done exactly the right thing and I'm glad you followed up by email to cover yourself. If nothing else, at least your boss knows that you're not going to go along with her pretence that lack of staff resources is your problem to solve.

I can't believe she tried to get you to find a magical solution to having no staff that doesn't involve bringing in a temp replacement for the six week gap!

Glad you've got a union rep on it - although I'd also be tempted to look for other jobs...

Your boss is horrendous
I really hope you find another job asap
It is tough when you are childless (I am ) and have to cover for others who are not; I've had a life time of it
However, he needs to be with his baby, which is far more important than any job
Not his fault.. manager's fault you are in this position
Poor co worker and poor you

Your last post has clarified that this really isn't about your colleague and his sick baby. It wouldn't matter if it was paternity leave, depression, a broken back, a critical illness, or any other extended absence. It's simply not a solution to cover a 3 person team with one employee, especially when the absence of one of those employees was foreseeable (the one who resigned) and the downturn in productivity is predictable with the replacement employee needing to orientate to the workplace.

You've recognised that the real issue here is the lack of management on the part of your boss, and I hope that you can get that resolved in a satisfactory way.

Good update OP even if not satisfactorily resolved - yet. You appear to be moving in the right direction. Good luck. If your boss persists with her line of thinking I would seriously consider raising a grievance.

You’ve handled the situation well today OP.

Hopefully your union rep will be able to give you tailored advice off the back of your manager’s inadequate response.

No one begrudges their colleagues having time away when they are ill or for family health and well being. But employers should respect and appreciate those employees who take on extra commitments while their colleagues are absent or where there is a gap waiting for an additional employee.

OP hasn't had that support while her colleague has been away.

I’ve had a poorly newborn with pneumonia, breathing difficulties and sealling issues would be v serious and might indicate other underlying problems. He probably can’t face going through all this with someone who could think he lacks resilience!

The mum and dad will both want to be there to see the doctors, look after the baby etc. His wife might also need looking after.

Your work load is your managers problem. Maybe start looking for a better job where you feel more valued