AIBU re a colleague and extended paternity leave

[HollaHolla]

I’m fully prepared to be told IABU but as I don’t have kids, I really don’t know if this is the norm.

I work in a team of three, currently, and one of my team is a chap who’s wife had a bit of a tricky pregnancy due to a chronic, but well-managed, health condition. He’s a bit of an over-sharer, so we all know all of the details of the issues.

His wife was taken in 2 weeks early, and induced, and the baby was well, and they were home within the usual 48 hours, and in the office for the ‘baby visit’ within the first fortnight. He took paternity leave - 2 weeks as planned. All so far fine, very happy and very cute.

Then there’s been an issue with the baby’s breathing/swallowing, and he’s been in and out of hospital a couple of times, unfortunately. However, my colleague has since been signed off sick for the eight weeks since the baby’s birth. There’s no sign of his return, as he’s now been signed off until end Jan.

My question is that is this normal, or am I being disparaging to think that he could be making some attempt to come to work. I’m particularly miffed, as I’m picking up his work, as the third member of our team is working her notice period at present, and our boss says there’s no point in passing over work to her, as she’s leaving in two weeks. I’m finding it increasingly hard to be sympathetic, as I’m the one picking up the load, with no thanks or recompense. Is this normal to be off because your baby is poorly (but not life-threateningly so), or is this colleague simply less resilient than I expected?

Thanks for views of those who might have been in the situation of having the poorly baby. Did you feel you had to have your partner there, or did they feel they had to be there 24/7.
Prepared to be flamed!!

I should add that those around us don't always understand what it's been like because they see a healthy baby and that she's ok now. They don't see that DH has been diagnosed with depression and me with post natal depression. They don't see that we're both now taking antidepressants and accessing counselling. They don't see that we have to keep reliving our ordeal at every new medical appontment for DD or through the legal process for hospital negligence (why DD became so unwell). All they see is happy new family and happy baby.

God help you if he decides to split their maternity . Legally he can take part of her maternity .....

Woah, his parenting is not your problem.

If your team is short staffed then have that discussion with management. Leave him out of it.

I hope your colleague doesn’t see this thread, OP.

Tbh if you're trying to juggle a mammoth workload with no extra compensation or support you should just sign off sick with stress yourself. Nothing will change if you valiantly soldier on and pick up the slack on all fronts.

I know I'll get flamed for that but i don't care.

I agree with @DexyMidnight

Maybe his wife has PND or has had issues surrounding the birth too - you haven't mentioned her other than in your colleague is "helping her" with her baby!

As you are unaware of the status of his leave then you should not be commenting on him, his status or his family merely asking your management as to how the workload will be coped with in his absence and bearing in mind your other colleague is leaving.

The reason he keeps saying the baby is "fine" is probably because he feels like you are drilling him each time you ask. Back off!

you are being insanely UNREASONABLE. His child cannot swallow or breathe - but yes, he should make more effort to come into work to pick up the slack, never mind his child is in a life threatening situation. Breathing and swallowing is all newborns do.

(((Hugs))) OP.....from another ‘childless not by choice’ x

I feel your pain. Others are right though, it’s not the new dad’s fault but I know how you feel!

I led a team of 3, 2 younger women who collected, collated and and input data which I then analysed and reported on...we were very fully occupied. They both fell pregnant within 3 weeks of each other so were both on maternity at the same time. I was expected to pick up all the slack. Impossible. I would go in early, stay late, take work home all the time.

I’m very resilient and it took a long time for it to happen but I ended up getting signed off with stress after I went to GP for a repeat prescription and he off handedly asked ‘how’s work’ and 5 minutes later had a sobbing, shaking mess gasping for breath on the floor of his room....

What I’m saying to you is that you must stamp your foot down hard at work and go over your useless Manager’s head if you have to. You must be your first priority. This may be ongoing for some time and/or there will be future necessary absences. If they won’t arrange trained, useful back up for you then go sick yourself so they have to address this.

If you don’t stand firm now you will undoubtedly be shat on from a great height...please don’t end up like I did xx

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all à d would feel the same as you. It isn't right to be sing off sick because you're child is ill. It is too easy to use stress to be signed off. The reality is that if he was so ill with stress to come to work, he would likely to be to ill to support his wife and baby. Instead, he is using this instead of taking holiday time or time in lieu. This would not go down well at all with me if my employee was doing this.

Of course it is worrying to have an ill baby and he should be supporting his family but he could have asked for flexible working arrangement, not go off sick.

He is the reason why employers are now using the Bradford Factor and disciplining people who had no choice but to be off through genuine poor health. However I do agree that ultimately its management that is to blame for not dealing with this appropriately.

My dp regularly has had to take time due to our sons condition. DS would regularly go into status epilepticus and while on a day to day basis he was well (in theory) each episode of SE meant a potentially life threatening situation and emergency admission to hospital, and even intubation.

I would hate to think his colleagues were upset with him about this. It is his son after all, the most important person in his life. Fortunately dp colleagues are all supportive, as well as their employer. Your boss needs to sort alternative arrangements while your colleague is off, I can imagine this must be frustrating for you but having a sick child is not easy by any means. I'm sure he would much rather have a perfectly well baby and be back at work.

swingofthings the OP has admitted she does not know whether he is signed off sick or using parental leave, in fact she has no idea and jumped to her own conclusions - so all your post about a man supporting his wife and baby through trying times is totally irrelevant. But like the OP you just carry on judging!

"The reality is that if he was so ill with stress to come to work, he would likely to be to ill to support his wife and baby."

Don't be so ridiculous. Do you have children? The anxiety of having a sick child can be debilitating to a point you are not able to leave them for fear, but that doesn't mean you aren't fit enough to be a parent. It is not his responsibility to ensure cover in the workplace. His responsibility is take appropriate measures to inform work he will not be in, which he has done by getting signed of.

Family is more important than work. You need to take this up with your manager if the work load is too much instead of blaming him for having a sick child.

Only on MN would the OP be told she's nosy for asking how things are when her colleague comes office with the baby! What's she supposed to do, ignore him?

OP, I think you've had a hard time on here but I agree the issue is with your boss. Good luck speaking to her today. If I was in your situation and she didn't do anything I would no that be doing any more unpaid overtime, I'd be working my contracted hours only. I know you say people will suffer, but you need to think of yourself as well.

My ds was in the ER every few weeks from the day he was born. He would get high fevers (104/105) and go all floppy (always turned out to be ear infections and not meningitis, but...). I'm not sure I ever thought he would die, but it is pretty terrifying and not something that one can do easily on one's own. (Ds was diagnosed with a genetic disease when he was 11). It's all a little bit of a blur, but I'm sure that I thought that the first time was going to be it, and would have told work that it would be fine in a few days. And then 2 weeks later we were back, and then 2 weeks after that. And I think by the 3rd or 4th month, I had an ER bag packed (if not in reality, certainly in my mind), but was still telling everyone that it was nothing (because in some ways it was "nothing" because it was always treatable).

I think it's great that you've come on here for a reality check. I certainly didn't have anyone in my life (family, friends or colleagues) who really delved into how hard it was on me to have such a sick new born.

As others have said, the issue is with your managers. Please address it with them. And send some good books to read in the ER to your colleague.

OP, on one hand I sympathise with your situation.
On another hand, this is gross mismanagement from your manager's side. Arranging cover for a relatively short emergency like this is not always possible - unless you are in industry where it is normal to use supply / bank / locum staff, and all work processes are standardised and the learning curve is short. But another of your colleagues is at the end of her notice period, what did your manager think would happen, you two working for three?
I sometimes feel weird about the long paternity leaves (in the absence of health problems etc). I know it is the legal right, and obviously I don't say a word, and I know it is wrong to feel this way. Maybe because my first encounter with the new legislation as a manager was a guy who left his wife in the last months of pregnancy, and then wanted to take her to court to split the parental leave "fairly", and wanted the company's assistance in the matter.

PS. By the time ds was 7 or 8, I ended up taking every one of my vacation days as a "sick" day to look after ds who was home sick from school.

"The reality is that if he was so ill with stress to come to work, he would likely to be to ill to support his wife and baby"

When you are ill with stress the people you need to care for don't just disappear.

yabu, you have no idea about his circumstances and doctors just dont hand out sick notes willy nilly.

I do think some doctors need to be reminded what 'sickness' is for work and are currently overgenerous in issuing sick notes for 'stress' for situations where a different type of (probably unpaid) leave is more appropriate

I suspect most doctors already appreciate that a family with an already reduced income due to maternity leave and a very sick child will be experiencing high levels of stress and if not already suffering from a MH condition such as depression or anxiety almost certainly will if their income is then decimated by being forced to take unpaid leave.

Op...your manager needs to arrange cover. You need to tell him its impossible the do two and soon three peoples work. Your colleague isnt at fault here as he is going through a very stressful worrying time.

the backlog of work has a direct effect on patients awaiting results and treatment plans, so whilst I owe my shitty managers nothing, I have a conscience and thats exactly what they are relying on.

It sounds as if something quite serious is going on but he doesn’t want to tell you.

FWIW my son has been in hospital the other side of the country for nearly a year and a half now. Dh has taken time off every other week to visit and nearly no-one knows at his work (about 3 people know). He’s quite senior so has quite a lot of control over his working time & works additional hours at other times to make up for the time he misses but my point is that pretty much no-one knows why he is absent on the days he is. He doesn’t want to talk about it. Actually prettt much no-one knows he is absent. They assume he is working at home (which he was - just at the weekend).

Definitely ask for cover if you need that but I would assume something else is going on that you are not being told about.

OP, if your other colleague is working 2 weeks notice (they should be helping pick up the work btw, they haven’t left yet), and dad colleague is off until end January, does that mean they’ll be expecting to cover both roles in the interim? If your manager is not taking you seriously is there someone more senior you can escalate this to?