To have gone off my friend because of her callousness.

[onlyindreams]

My friend has recently had bad news that her Mil is terminally ill. I was quite upset and shocked when she told me as I know her quite well. My friend was telling me the details of her illness when she suddenly said, “oh well, she IS 69 after all. it’s to be expected”. I was a bit taken aback especially when she’d just told me how desperarely sad and worried her Mil is as well as all her children are too. I just thought it sounded so cold and uncaring. Aibu to have gone off my friend for this, or is she just being realistic.

I’m not sure, it’s quite drastic news and it might just be her way of dealing with it? Trying to minimise it so she doesn’t have to face the enormity of such news?

But 69 isn’t old?!

That's the sort of thoughtless comment someone makes to people they feel like they can trust when they're trying to make sense of difficult and stressful situations.

It seems very harsh for a friend to make such a negative judgment on someone's whole personality just for that.

I don't think that sounds callous. People are simply more likely to die the older they get. She's trying to rationalise it as a coping strategy. Why would you go off someone for that?

@listenlinda But life expectancy for women is still only 80-ish. If being in the last quarter of your life doesn't count as "old", what does?

People react differently and some people tackle sad events by trying to be cool and pragmatic about them. So this isn't the way that you react to such things. Are you really going to ditch a friend for not behaving exactly as you do?

I don't think that sounds callous. I think she was trying to rationalise her MIL's upcoming death to herself.

I think it's a bit judgey of you tbh, she's probably trying to make sense of it for herself. It is logical but a bit cold. 69 isn't old but it also isn't tragically young. It's never fair but it follows the natural order of things and no one has died out of turn iyswim. I'd be gutted if it was my DPs or my PIL but you also have to keep yourself strong for them and for DC so I suppose you just reason it out in your head so you don't fall to pieces.

There are lots of different ways to handle a diagnosis like that. The fact she was so matter of fact with you doesn’t mean she isn’t feeling sad.

Sounds like she's trying to put on a brave face in front of you.

I think yabu and owe your Friend an apology.
If this is how she is dealing with it you have no right deciding she is callous ( which she doesn't sound in anyway!)

YANBU.

It does seem callous to me. Are there other examples of this sort of behaviour from her?

That's sounds more like she was reassuring herself than anyone else. Doesn't sound callous to me

Doesn't sound callous to me.

If you've ever lost someone at a young age, 69 seems ancient.

My mom just died at 69 and one of the few comforts we have is that 69 might be on the lower side of life expectancy, but it is not remotely dying young. We focus every day on the fact that she had 69 years and that is a full life.

So I think you need to go apologize to your friend.

I personally think it sounds callous and I would never say it, however, it could be her trying to distance herself emotionally from her impeding death. Also, to me 69 isn't old, but that is probably because my people live to be in their late 90's (my grandmother was 98) or 100's, my great grandmother was 103. That said, my DH's family all died in their late 40's, 50's or 60's so 69 could actually be considered old to them. It's just depends on the way you look at it. You could ask her what she meant by it. If this is the only thing about her that you dislike, then I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Also, keep in mind that grief does crazy things and can make some people act strangely. Especially, when it comes to death.

If you took it at face value, then yes, it sounds callous. BUT, look little deeper.

When my Gran had a stroke and she died a month later, we all said 'Oh well,she would not have wanted to live like that', it sounds cold, but she really would not have wanted to live as an invalid, she was so busy all her life, that to rely on others would have been a living death for her. We were all lost when she died, we loved her and missed her, but knew how she felt.

I think when people say things like this, they are trying desperately to put a tiny positive spin on a dreadful situation!

Chouetted true, I think i’m focusing on the fact that my grandmother is 75, fit as a lark and runs around playing with DD when we visit. Plus I worked in a Nursing Home, 69 doesnt seem old at all to me 😂 I realise to some it does however.

Wow, It though you were going to say she was 89 - but 69? That's nuts.

Depends how she said it doesn’t it?

69 is not young.

Perhaps this is her way of dealing with things, unfortunately you can becoming a bit hardened when dealing with terminal illness. I know I certainly did.
What is she normally like? I wouldn’t go off her because of this

Your friend is very ignorant and shallow.

Well it's sure as hell not that old baron

When you think how many people are not even having children until into their 40s now, let's hope they can expect to get past 69 before people start writing them as practically dead!

I'm 65.

It sounds bloody callous to me!