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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have gone off my friend because of her callousness.

94 replies

onlyindreams · 02/01/2019 20:30

My friend has recently had bad news that her Mil is terminally ill. I was quite upset and shocked when she told me as I know her quite well. My friend was telling me the details of her illness when she suddenly said, “oh well, she IS 69 after all. it’s to be expected”. I was a bit taken aback especially when she’d just told me how desperarely sad and worried her Mil is as well as all her children are too. I just thought it sounded so cold and uncaring. Aibu to have gone off my friend for this, or is she just being realistic.

OP posts:
colditz · 02/01/2019 21:14

Please don't judge her too harshly/

It takes me a very, very long time to process bereavement and my first reaction is always a callous rejection of the facts of the situation. it's like a shutter comes down over the whole subject and a sign flips up saying "NO". I can't handle it and I shut down discussion as soon as I can.

But it's not my real reaction. It's what happens BEFORE I have my real reaction..

Give your friend some processing time

Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 21:19

My mum is 69, and we are not expecting or prepared for her to die so it's bloody well not 'to be expected'

thefinn · 02/01/2019 21:19

It does sound callous to me, but we all have coping strategies and this maybe is hers? I'd also give her time, you know your friend. Is she normally caring?

ADropofReality · 02/01/2019 21:22

So your friend is dealing with her mother dying fairly young, but you're more worried about the form of words she chooses to relay that news to you, who are not her daughter.

When your friend tells you her mother is dying, it's not about you.

Fairylea · 02/01/2019 21:23

It’s not a nice thing to say but without knowing the other side you wonder what the relationship is like with her mil.

My mum is seriously unwell at the moment and whilst I don’t wish her ill we have a horrible history (she’s an aggressive alcoholic, although anyone who meets her now thinks she’s a sweet old lady) so people do wonder why I’m not exactly bending over backwards to help her.

thebaronetofcockburn · 02/01/2019 21:25

It's always a good idea to prepare for the worst and hope for the best, though. I'm in my 50s and 'life expectancy' is just that, not a guarantee. It's nice to live as long as one can, but this idea that it's somehow tragic when people die before they're 90 just sets a lot of people up for a lot of hardship.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 02/01/2019 21:27

I think perhaps your friend was doing the defensive thing in order to minimise what her family are about to go through. I do it occasionally and friends have to remind me that it's ok to feel upset or vulnerable.

Ask your friend how she really feels rather than judging her; there are a dozen reasons she might have been so flippant, but unless you know the definitive reason, just try to offer her a handhold and tell her you're there.

tillytoodles1 · 02/01/2019 21:30

My mum died when she was 68, a friends mum was 56, both from cancer.

CanoeingInCocoPop · 02/01/2019 21:30

Who made you the grief police?

Neptunesgiraffe · 02/01/2019 21:34

I have sometimes said things like that which sound flippant but actually just didn't really come out as I intended. And it's usually to cover my own upset, or to fill in a pause. And I only do it when I'm upset. So don't be too hard on your friend. She's having a hard enough time as it is.

Lymphy · 02/01/2019 21:40

It sounds like she’s trying to rationalise it and is convincing herself MIL is older and it’s her time even though shes not old at all, people act in many ways when they’ve had a shock or extremely sad/ devastating news, I’m an ex ITU nurse and I remember lots of relatives actually hysterically laughing when they were given bad news, total shock

bookwormsforever · 02/01/2019 21:41

69 is not old! 99 is different...

LonginesPrime · 02/01/2019 21:41

People handle this kind of news in different ways - she might be echoing what someone else has said, she might mean that someone is lucky to have got to that age without suffering illness as people often have pockets where it feels like everyone seems to have cancer, or she might just be trying to play it down to put on a brave face in front of friends.

It might also be that she feels weird about displaying too much emotion for fear of making it all about her when it's her DP's mother rather than her own, like she doesn't feel entitled to be too upset as she has to support others.

I've known a few people over the years to make someone else's illness all about them, so perhaps she's encountered someone like that.

There could be all sorts of reasons, but unless there's a huge backstory, I wouldn't judge someone as callous based on this.

Original poster
onlyindreams · 02/01/2019 21:42

Ok thanks for the replies, particularly the ones that tell me ibu without making me out to be a bitch, Grin It seems i’m being unreasonable. I’m prepared to accept that. I think i just need to be less judgemental. Thanks all.

OP posts:
delboysskinandblister · 02/01/2019 21:42

It's her mum. She has had a shock. It is unlikely to have sunk in yet. I think she is bargaining with what has just been told as a method of coping. What else is she supposed to do?

You are right it does sound callous. 69 is not old. I don't think she means that at all. Don't take it at face value. Her mum hasn't died yet. For some it doesn't hit until much later after someone close has died.

Just be there if and when she need you. Be kind to your friend she has just confided in you about some very raw and painful news.

junebirthdaygirl · 02/01/2019 21:42

When you are in your 20s 69 seems ancient and like something that will never happen. But now at my age..late 50s..it seems so young. I find myself saying Oh no he was only 75 thats terrible.
So if ye are very young l wouldn't judge. Also its callous to write off a friend for one mistake. Thankfully most friends have a bit more tolerance.

Silkei · 02/01/2019 21:44

Maybe she doesn’t like her MIL. I wouldn’t cry a single tear if mine was terminally ill. In fact I’d be glad I wouldn’t have to put up with her much longer.

TheDarkPassenger · 02/01/2019 21:44

I compartmentalise by saying stuff like this. It’s a coping mechanism

BeardedMum · 02/01/2019 21:45

Tbh I think she is right. 69 is
not really young.
Certainly the age when people get ill
and die.

Allthewaves · 02/01/2019 21:49

She's compartmentalising her grief. She was trying to play it down and reassure herself. There's no correct way to grieve

jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 21:49

69 isn't that old (would somehow sound better if she was 72), but people have to rationalise things like this. I've heard such remarks before, they're not really meant.

Please don't go off your friend for an off-the-top-of-the-head remark.

delboysskinandblister · 02/01/2019 21:49

*MIL i mean not mum.

Skittlesandbeer · 02/01/2019 21:53

Life expectancy where I live is 84.6 for women. Many live far longer. I’d say someone dying 15+ years earlier is definitely having their life cut short significantly.

Unless that person has knowingly prioritised some lifestyle stuff over health (obesity, smoking, etc) then I’d think it was pretty tragic. And any terminal diagnosis is very scary. The woman deserves far more sympathy, in my book.

Your friend will probably change her tune as she gets closer to her 60’s. Don’t forget to remind her, if you still see her into the future.

Nanny0gg · 02/01/2019 21:55

Tbh I think she is right. 69 is not really young.Certainly the age when people get ill and die.

If that load of codswallop was true there would be no-one left over the age of 70.

I'd like to be a fly on the wall when some of you hit 60. I think your ideas might change...

Cattus · 02/01/2019 21:58

OP - the fact you’ve asked if this was callous makes me think that you’ve found her callous before. Have there been other things she’s said that have concerned you?