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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have gone off my friend because of her callousness.

94 replies

onlyindreams · 02/01/2019 20:30

My friend has recently had bad news that her Mil is terminally ill. I was quite upset and shocked when she told me as I know her quite well. My friend was telling me the details of her illness when she suddenly said, “oh well, she IS 69 after all. it’s to be expected”. I was a bit taken aback especially when she’d just told me how desperarely sad and worried her Mil is as well as all her children are too. I just thought it sounded so cold and uncaring. Aibu to have gone off my friend for this, or is she just being realistic.

OP posts:

echt · 02/01/2019 21:59

Having had the full MOT at the doctors, who needed a family history, I can assure you that my father's death at 72 was considered "young". Not in comparison to a 40-year-old, but definitely not OK/to be expected.

CanoeingInCocoPop · 02/01/2019 22:00

Honestly - the callous part of this story is you passing judgement on how someone else processes their grief. It's a really unkind thing to do.

DinkyDaisy · 02/01/2019 22:04

My Granny used to say when people said a certain age was 'old'/ someone had had a 'good innings'- just wait until you are say 5 years before that age and see how you feel then.
She was full of life and died at 87 after shortly a cancer diagnosis. She so wanted to live and 'good innings' type comments pissed her right off.
Hope the MIL getting a lot of support. These days, 69 is almost middle aged!!
If your friend is young she may just be being unintentionally insensitive...

thebaronetofcockburn · 02/01/2019 22:07

As a 50-something what most worries me about living long is developing dementia. SO many of my friends are really struggling with parents who have dementia, it's awful and there comes a time when there's no quality of life and it's impossible to care for the person outside of a care home setting once it grows more advanced. One of my mother's friends has a father who is 101 and she and her sister are in their 70s and simply could not care for him any longer with his dementia- he was a danger to himself and them in the home, causing two small fires in just a week.

KatyWhatsit · 02/01/2019 22:19

MN is always very ageist.

I'm early 60s.

My parents are early 90s.

To think of being terminally ill in a few years is a terrible thought.

Women's life expectancy is 85 ish.

So it is young. The retirement age is 67.

But then cancer strikes at any age.

You are not being unreasonable.

I'd use the term' Oh but she's X age..' for someone in their 80s, not someone not yet 70.

81Byerley · 02/01/2019 22:23

She might think about that when she is 69 and realises it isn't that old...I know, because I'm 69....

Butteredghost · 02/01/2019 22:25

The woman deserves far more sympathy, in my book.

I'm sure OPs friend is extremely sympathetic to her MIL and family, but to an outside friend she allows herself to make different comments to process the situation. I think this is OK. It's not like she made the comment to MILs face!

Original poster

onlyindreams · 02/01/2019 22:26

Honestly - the callous part of this story is you passing judgement on how someone else processes their grief. It's a really unkind thing to do.
Trust me, my friend isn’t grieving. Far from it, she just lacks empathy for what her Mil will have to go through. I know her too well. She’s also quite indifferent to her dh being upset.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 02/01/2019 22:27

It sounds like you just don’t like her very much.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 02/01/2019 22:33

69 is just two years after retirement age. It's not young but certainly isn't old.

From what you've just said, your friend obviously has no empathy so I'd say YANBU, especially if she's not sympathetic to her husband's feelings about it.

ISdads · 02/01/2019 22:35

Poor friend, being judged at a time like this.

TeddybearBaby · 02/01/2019 22:36

It’s callous because her children are upset and her mil is petrified and devastated so even if it is to be expected which I don’t agree with anyway - 69 isn’t old IMO she doesn’t sound like she really cares about any of that. I find it callous, gives me chills actually.

TeddybearBaby · 02/01/2019 22:37

Ps you know her so trust your own judgement x

TheNewYear · 02/01/2019 22:39

As one sentence it sounds callous but if it’s a one off and she doesn’t have form for such statements, I’d assume it was her way of dealing with things.

If she makes lots of callous statements then I would be questioning why this one prompted a post and why you are still friend with her anyway!

CanoeingInCocoPop · 02/01/2019 22:42

How she 'sounds' to the OP is really quite irrelevant.

What's important is whether she's in place to provide the practical and emotional support needed by her family.

And actually, as a person effectively two steps removed from the eye of the storm, I think it's fit and proper for her to take a 'stiff upper lip' attitude. It might not be how you would do it, but you've got no way of knowing the emotional dynamics within that family.

kmc1111 · 02/01/2019 22:43

65+ seems to be a time when a lot of people start getting hit with illness. I know so many people who’ve had massive heart attacks, strokes, cancer, early signs of dementia etc around that age. My health already isn’t great, so I fully expect I’ll be right there with them in a decade.

I guess it depends on the people you know. I know plenty who lived to 85+, but for the most part their quality of life was fairly abysmal past a certain point. I have no intention of ever letting that happen to myself, so 69 seems an ok age to go to me. If your life is filled with independent, healthy, fully lucid 85yr olds, then it wouldn’t.

twocats335 · 02/01/2019 22:48

69 isn't young but she may not have meant it like that. The 60 age bracket seems to be a bad one for cancer diagnosis..

twocats335 · 02/01/2019 22:49

Isn't old I meant to say

Chouetted · 02/01/2019 22:50

I don't know about ageism, but it's somewhat baffling that no-one wants to be old. I thought it was supposed to be better than being middle aged!

CanoeingInCocoPop · 02/01/2019 22:52

The age really isn't the point here (!)

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 02/01/2019 22:57

It's hard to know if she's being callous as everyone copes in different ways. Personally I've found that being rational about a terminal diagnosis is a better coping mechanism for me than getting emotional.

My DM died in her 60s and I didn't show my emotions to anyone really, even though I was devastated inside. Now my DF has been given a limited time to live (he's over 80) and I'm trying to be stoic because I find it easier to cope that way and I want to be a support to him and my step-Mum. I don't want them to be burdened with my sadness, IYSWIM. Perhaps your friend is trying to support her DH by being strong? I don't think anyone else can really know how their relationship works.

I know someone who was an emotional wreck when her Dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and her distress was awful for both him and the rest of the family. They had to comfort her, rather than her providing any support for them.

Rachelle3211 · 02/01/2019 23:10

Sorry why are you her friend? You obviously dislike her.

WinterfellWench · 02/01/2019 23:11

Agree with pp. You sound like you really dislike this woman.

As has been said, it's probably just her way of coping!

FascinatingCarrot · 02/01/2019 23:12

She doesnt sound callous. She sounds like she's trying to clutch at reasons for this shock to be happening.

WinterfellWench · 02/01/2019 23:13

Trust me, my friend isn’t grieving. Far from it, she just lacks empathy for what her Mil will have to go through. I know her too well. She’s also quite indifferent to her dh being upset.

Seriously? You sound like a horrible friend. Do this woman a favour and ditch her. Let her find better friends....

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