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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have gone off my friend because of her callousness.

94 replies

onlyindreams · 02/01/2019 20:30

My friend has recently had bad news that her Mil is terminally ill. I was quite upset and shocked when she told me as I know her quite well. My friend was telling me the details of her illness when she suddenly said, “oh well, she IS 69 after all. it’s to be expected”. I was a bit taken aback especially when she’d just told me how desperarely sad and worried her Mil is as well as all her children are too. I just thought it sounded so cold and uncaring. Aibu to have gone off my friend for this, or is she just being realistic.

OP posts:

redandyellowandpinkandgreen99 · 02/01/2019 23:14

69 is NOT young. It's not ancient but it is far from young.

I would not think if someone died at 69 - 'oh no they are just a spring chicken!'

Mumsnet is bonkers sometimes.

People keep on about this person and that person they know who is 89 to 95, and is a 'perky little spring chicken,' who runs marathons..... but the fact it, MOST people are not like that at that age. In fact, many people don't MAKE it to that age.

There was nothing wrong with the woman saying 'it was to be expected' for her mother to die at nearly 70. Can't believe some of the daft posts on here tbh, by people saying 70 is 'practically a teenager.......'

The plain and simple fact is that 65-70 is the age where the health of most people will start to decline......

Charley50 · 02/01/2019 23:25

Op - maybe she feels she can be honest with you as you're her friend - she doesn't think she had to fake feelings she doesn't feel. We don't all grieve or have strong feelings about our in-laws, would you rather she fakes grief she doesn't feel?

Miljah · 02/01/2019 23:41

I've cut right to the end.

My dear dad died at 73, when I was 48; and I recall thinking he'd reached 'a decent age'.

Now I'm 56 I see that he was, on today's reckoning, quite young! (Mum died 3 years ago at 81).

It is all so 'relative' (excuse the pun).

I'm a HCP, and when I started in 1983, 68-9 was considered 'a grand old age', now 87 will get you every investigation and test known to man, whether it benefits you or not! (We have been known to call them 'pre-mortem tests..').

My mum once, out of the blue and with absolutely no reason to say it, said 'The NHS is ageist!'- to which I said ' I wish it were!'

twattymctwatterson · 02/01/2019 23:45

People don't deal with upsetting situations the way you think they will. My mum died in quite shocking circumstances in April and I've probably said many things that seem quite flippant or callus since. My friends know me well enough to understand that this is my way of dealing with it. The other day my aunt announced my Step-Dad "really needs to get over it now". Not because she's horrible and unfeeling but because she's worried about him and we don't really DO touchy freely in my family

Original poster

onlyindreams · 03/01/2019 00:02

Op - maybe she feels she can be honest with you as you're her friend - she doesn't think she had to fake feelings she doesn't feel.

Oh she was definitely being honest, she simply doesn’t care. Regardless of whether it’s “to be expected” or not. I have a dog who’s 13, it’s to be expected he won’t have long left.....i’ll still be devastated, but also if he gets a long painful illness before. I just wouldn’t say “oh it’s to be expected”..........Death is inevitable, but it’s hard to see a close family member so previously active and healthy having to sufffer. That’s the bit that gets me. Imagine if you’re own kids had that attitude if told you were dying.

OP posts:

twattymctwatterson · 03/01/2019 00:07

I wonder why you're friends with this person. You clearly dislike her.

Togaandsandals · 03/01/2019 00:22

I know terminal illness can happen at any age, but I certainly don’t expect it at 69, still would expect a few good years yet for many.

OvenChipsAndWineForMe · 03/01/2019 00:34

OP, I have the biggest foot in mouth problem and I am a bit useless with the way I phrase things. My one comfort is when I'm with close friends thinking - 'well, if I say something daft they'll forgive me as they are my friends and know I'm not a nasty person!'

I'd hate to think I had to watch what I was saying at difficult times when I'm not thinking straight, around people who are meant to be my friends - accepting, not judgy and forgiving!

I think maybe your 'friend' is better off hanging out with other people that don't judge her and with whom she is able to feel comfortable expressing herself.

(By the way, if you think that comment was bad, you'd hate to be in my workplace! We regularly come face to face with things people should not come face to face with - the way many in my workplace deal with these things is through dark humour, clumsy comments, and completely inappropriate verbalisations. We challenge each other when we feel it's gone to far, but we also know that in times of stress everyone deals with things differently and are there to support each other.)

BeMoreKind · 03/01/2019 00:38

I understand you OP. I have gone off a friend for her callousness recently too. She broke up with her boyfriend of a few weeks, and when her mum tried to put it into perspective, she said she was being selfish. Her mum has breast cancer for the second time and is facing surgery and chemo. I lost any respect for her when she told me this.

The4thSandersonSister · 03/01/2019 01:39

It's natural that her MiL is sad and worried she has a terminal illness I'd be scared shitless. He DC's also. You don't have to love or like your in-laws. It doesn't make her an awful person to acknowledge, but be emotionally removed from their grief. Maybe she felt with a friend she didn't have to show a level of grief she didn't feel. As long as she supports the family members and MiL during her illness and through the grieving process then why should she be judged for her remark.

ISdads · 03/01/2019 07:09

You should stop being friends with her, do her a favour.

Nanny0gg · 03/01/2019 07:35

Are any of you reading the OP's posts?

The 'friend doesn't care. Isn't using it as a coping method. Isn't supporting her husband. Doesn't like her Mi L.

She is callous.

ISdads · 03/01/2019 07:46

So why on earth is op her 'friend'? Op is two faced, ops friend is callous. Great pair.

MrMeSeeks · 03/01/2019 08:50

Trust me, my friend isn’t grieving. Far from it, she just lacks empathy for what her Mil will have to go through. I know her too well. She’s also quite indifferent to her dh being upset.
My god. With friends like you she doesn't need enemies!

QuackPorridgeBacon · 03/01/2019 08:52

Why are you friends with someone you clearly don’t like? It’s not even a blood relation, I’d say that makes it easier. I deal with things very matter of factly. When my grandfather died it hit me hard, once I got over the intitial shock I reasoned with myself that he would have preferred to go when he did than get any worse. I was very close to him and seen him as like a father to me. I was also able to talk about him passing without crying all the time etc.

OutPinked · 03/01/2019 08:56

It’s not callous, it’s a coping mechanism. I have said it to people before that have lost grandparents, many people do say it. “Well they had a good run didn’t they?”... it’s not callous, it’s just trying to remain positive for the sake of the bereaved.

MillicentBeauchamp · 03/01/2019 09:01

I think it is not callous- it is trying to look on the bright side and make sense of something she cannot change

FunkyKingston · 03/01/2019 09:15

Life expectancy where I live is 84.6 for women.

As i understand it, that's the life expectancy of people born now, not people dying now
It has only been calculated and recorded by the ONS in a systematic way since the early 1980s.

A person born in the 1940s would have a lower life expectancy.

Lifeofsmiley · 03/01/2019 21:46

You don’t sound like a very good friend being so judgemental.
Even if she is callous perhaps you can understand it’s a difficult time for her and it may be her way of handling things.
People think I’m callous when I say I’m dead inside.
I can’t believe you would go off her because of this. It’s true what they say when the shit hits the fan you find out who your real friends are

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