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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want step dad to walk me down the aisle rather than bio dad?

153 replies

KleverKate · 02/01/2019 11:19

I need a bit of outside perspective as I'm really upset about the situation so be gentle :P

I don't have the best relationship with my biological dad. We saw him at best 2 times a year from the age of 7 on wards (24 now) and he's never really bothered with us.
We've always seen him on boxing day and he's always given us a bit of cash and always given us a bit of something for our birthday (Always through the post, he never comes and actually sees us). He's never really contributed to mine and my brothers upbringing and my mum has had to deal with a lot on her own.
I moved out at age 21 and lived in 3 places since and he'd never even been to any of my new homes. To be fair, he does live 45 mins away but him and his partner both drive and I did invite them round once to my first home to stay over and they said they couldn't as they couldnt sleep on an airbed/sofa due to the fact my step mum has a bad hip. Since then, I didn't really bother as it was apparent that he wasn't bothered about coming down anyway. I've been with my fiance for 5 years and he's met him a grand total of 4 times.

I've always felt like he's got his new family now (His new wife and her 2 sons) and we're not important anymore. He even sent us a letter at one point when I was 11 and my brother was 14 saying as much that we need to accept the fact that he's moved on with his life.

I started driving 3 years ago and since then it has been my responsibility to drive me, my other half, my brother, his girlfriend and any other rogue family member from his side (Auntie, Grandma etc) bearing in mind I hardly know his side of the family which makes for a very uncomfortable drive, to his house on boxing day. I'm already a very nervous driver and everyone is fully aware that I struggle with the drive every year but no one has ever offered to come pick up up. So last year I was a bit fed up with this and thought why not invite them round to come and see us for a change and then they can see our new home. I text him asking him this and received no reply (Shock) and then about half an hour later he posted a facebook status at which point I just snapped.
Sent him a long text about how he can't be bothered with me and I'm done and want no contact as all it ever causes me is upset and heartbreak. Blocked him and all members of his family off all platforms. This was in November. Fast forward to December, meanwhile he's been trying to make contact with me and making the effort to get in touch and is getting ignored by me. My birthday is in December and on my birthday I get a phone call off of a private number. I assume that this is my Auntie (mums side) and pick up and start talking to her as it is but it turns out its my Step mum basically shouting at me telling me I'm ridiculous and that I'm a coward to which I basically told her to swivel and hung up on her. This irked me so I messaged my dad and told him to put his dog on a lead and fight his own battles and if he really wanted to contact me he could have come round to my house and spoken to me or at least sent me a letter, housewarming card, birthday card, christmas card ANYTHING.
Nothing until January when we get a letter and its from my dad explaining himself to which I then decide that if hes making the effort then I'll give him another chance.
May comes around and his mum dies, we all attend the funeral and have a heart to heart about how family means a lot and we should all stick together more. Nothing really changes but it was nice to feel loved.
In the mean time, him and his wife come round to visit us at our new home (which I mentioned in the fallout that I was offended they hadnt bothered yet) and we go for a meal. They dont so much as buy us a round of drinks when they know that we're saving for a wedding.
They go home, roll round to boxing day when its again, my responsibility to drive my auntie up and the rest of the gang to his house. Me and my brother sit on the edge feeling like outsiders, no one offers us a drink, no one has bought us a present and we sit there and watch their family all exchange gifts while we're sat there feeling a bit like lemons. No one offers me anything for petrol when they know that I'm skint. We saw my dad for a total of around 20 minutes while he was in the kitchen talking to my auntie. I kinda felt like I was being used to ferry her up there so that my dad could have a drink.
He didnt get me anything for my birthday this year either even though he said he'd transfer me some pennies (I've not seen these pennies yet and he doesn't even have my bank details)

Thats not even the entirety of the situation. Thats just the bare bones.

My step dad has been with my mum since I was 15. Has bent over backwards for us and I'm really glad he's a member of our family. Would literally do anything for us and treats us like his own. He has no kids but has accepted us with open arms and I see him as more of a dad than my dad. He has literally treated us like his own kids.
I want to show him how grateful I am by asking him to walk me down the aisle.

Heres where it gets complicated.
My dads way of contributing to our wedding is that he said he'd pay for our honeymoon.
HOWEVER the catch is - him and his wife are coming with us. I had to say to him, can we not stay on a week after you've left and we'll pay our own accommodation which is now what is happening.
Tbh, after Christmas I'm feeling really upset and would happily not go on the honeymoon with my dad and his wife as clinger onners. But I know they've already paid for the flights and the accommodation and I'm not sure what I can do.

To be honest - I'm probably just being a brat and that was a long waffling rant that didn't make any sense as when I think about it, I didn't get my dad anything for Christmas either (my brother and his girlfriend did but we said as we're saving for a wedding this year we wont be)

Am I being a brat?
Help!

OP posts:
QueenofLouisiana · 02/01/2019 18:16

My step-dad walked me down the aisle. TBF my bio-dad didn’t turn up to my wedding at all in the end. I loved having my step-dad there, he was very calming.

He was also there for the birth of DS a few years later. He’s been there for all my other important events- from learning to swim to graduation, so I’m glad he was such a big part of my wedding.

Dutch1e · 02/01/2019 18:42

Another vote for asking your mum to walk you down the aisle. Or both your parents (step-dad I mean, he's the real parent).

BasilFaulty · 02/01/2019 18:54

My mum has walked us all down the aisle.

Here's your plan of action

  1. Get mum or stepdad to walk you down aisle
  2. Book a honeymoon on your own
  3. Have some extra driving lessons
happyasasandboy · 02/01/2019 18:56

My step dad walked me down the aisle. To be honest I think my dad would have been mortified if I'd asked him to; he'd have felt like a fraud being so involved all of a sudden (and in a room full of my rellies too!)

Ask your stepdad. Don't ask your dad. If your dad asks you about it, just say no dad, stepdad is doing it. Don't be drawn on the whys and wherefores, just keep saying it's what feels right, it's what I'd like, and stepdad is happy to do it. Shut the conversation down at every attempt!

sashh · 03/01/2019 05:23

Your 'dad' is not paying for a honeymoon, he is going on holiday and allowing you to tag along. Cancel it. This is the start of your marriage, you don't need a shaky start. And I am projecting my own narcissistic relative here but he and his wife might just get a kick out of you splitting up on that holiday, can you imagine the drama / fun they could have with that?

Have who you want to give you away, and it can be more than one person so your mum and step dad could do it together.

Angrybird345 · 03/01/2019 06:55

Another vote for your step dad. And another vote for you to tell your dad to stick his offer of honeymooning with you ... so weird!!

IggyAce · 03/01/2019 07:08

Honeymoon idea is hideous and controlling of your father.
I would have your step dad walk you down the aisle, also you can have your stepdads details on your marriage cert instead of your fathers if you prefer.

Youseethethingis · 03/01/2019 07:24

You don’t have a step dad in my eyes. You have a dad - the man who has brought you up, loved you and been there for you no matter what. He should walk you down the aisle, no question about that.
The other dude, your biological father - he’s just the sperm guy. A total waste of any time, love and energy you are kind enough to spare him.

Don’t feel bad about showing him now what the last 20 years of shitty behaviour has earned him.

Deathraystare · 03/01/2019 07:31

I would deffo go for your Stepdad. In a way it would be a big thank you. It cannot have been easy taking on someone else's child but he did it. It also sends out a powerful message to your fake dad who does not deserve to be there at all.

Groovee · 03/01/2019 07:45

Have you considered asking your mum?

Groovee · 03/01/2019 07:46

I mean your mum to walk you down the aisle.

LadyOfTheCanyon · 03/01/2019 07:56

Basically what everyone else has said.

However, the main thing I picked up on from your post is of a young girl who still on one level desperately wants her fathers love and approval. I think that this impulse is what is driving you to persevere with contact, despite him proving himself to be worthless on every score. He left when you were 7 and that is where you are stuck, emotionally. You've not been allowed to process this behaviour as an adult.

Your beef with his wife is a red herring, your anger should be solely laid at his feet. I would urge you strongly to try counselling to work through your feelings as I think exploring your relationship with your father through a professional will give you so much more closure than just going no contact and seething over it in private.

I wish you well.

I had an arse of a dad ( and an arse of a step father who is marginally less self involved than my dad was. My father is now dead and I wish I had been able to talk about our dysfunctional relationship while he was alive. )

But yeah, for God's sake don't go on the Honeymoon.

rabbitfoodadvocate · 03/01/2019 07:57

I lost the thread a bit but got the basic premise I think.

If you accept this weirdo double-date honeymoon, it'll be held over you for all eternity. Your dad is a classic narcissist, trust me, I have one of those. You'd be better off seeing him for what he is; an unnecessary complication in your life. You actually can choose your family.

Have your stepdad give you away. I did. It was wonderful. He is my father, taught me everything I know and shares a lot of traits with my husband, in that he is kind and patient and selfless. I can't say any of that about my bio fucking 'father', which is why I cut all contact when I was younger.

You deserve better and a drama-free wedding.

BlueEyedPersephone · 03/01/2019 07:57

It should be a person who puts you first who walks down the isle with you, in your case I would choose your mum or as stepdad has only been about since you were 15, I would ask your brother. You have a longer relationship with him and sound close - that removes any 'dad' replacement issues and means you have someone supportive there for you.
Bin the honeymoon with strings - it is not worth it, apologise, remove wedding invite from him & his sister (auntie) as she doesn't doesn't give a shit about you and surround yourself with ppl who value and love you. You are not a brat you are just starting to realise that you don't have to be emotionally abused by him any longer - give yourself a break and reads back your posts, put you and your new family first

VamillaSugar · 03/01/2019 08:19

What does your DP/OH think about all this?

londonrach · 03/01/2019 08:22

Yanbu. Stepdad walks you down aisle. Honeymoon are for the married couple only so no to your bio dad there.

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/01/2019 08:41

You should ask your mum or step dad, tell your bio dad you don't want a honeymoon with strings and then cut him out.

I say this as wife to a dh who was very painfully cut out of one of his dd's lives she she was just 14. He had see her, week in, week out since his first marriage failed, paid maintenance without fail and was, in every sense, a full part of her life. Their relationship was the casualty of an acrimonious separation, and eroded by years of dsd essentially feeling like she had to take sides. Ultimately she chose her mum.

That is an entirely different scenario to the one you describe. Your bio dad has no right to call himself your dad.

Incidentally, my youngest dsd (the one who didn't go nc and we've continued to see regularly) is now 19 - she's said that when she gets married she wants both of her dads to walk her down the aisle. Fortunately dh and his ex-wife have learned a lot and are infinitely friendlier these days.

Your 'dad' has behaved appallingly over the years and even puts stipulations on paying for your honeymoon. Tell him to fuck off.

AgentJohnson · 03/01/2019 08:41

Why do you allow him to dictate the terms of a relationship that offers you very little and requires so much bloody work on your part? You’re never going reach the point where he actually gives a shit about you or your feelings. The whole Boxing Day malarkey is him using you as an on call free Uber.

Maybe getting married isn’t the only new chapter you should be beginning.

Weenurse · 03/01/2019 09:08

Agree, Mum walks you down the isle. Cancel a Dads holiday.

calmsealife · 03/01/2019 09:15

All you keep doing is giving poor examples of your fathers and his families behaviour. You have been given some fab advice and I suggest you use it.

Doobee · 03/01/2019 09:19

YANBU. Your step dad should walk you down the aisle. Your bio dad is no good. He put zero effort and zero resources in when you were growing up and that’s the time that the adult has to be the adult. There’s a phrase “you reap what you sow” what has your bio dad sown with you and for you? Nothing. You know what “normal” dads do? They pay for the honeymoon but don’t go on it!! This in itself (apart from the million other things) show you what he’s like. Selfish and puts himself and his own needs first. Cut him off. Start putting your foot down and putting your real family first. Tell him your step dad is walking you down the aisle because he’s the man who raised you. He was there when the chips were down and this is his reward. Start owning it. Tell him he can attend as a guest and that’s it and if he wants a relationship in the future then he needs to start putting you and your needs first like he should have done when you were 5. Stupid man.

Doobee · 03/01/2019 09:20

Oh and stop this ridiculous Boxing Day charade! Time to start saying no and go see a counsellor who can help you get a backbone

TORDEVAN · 03/01/2019 09:33

Pick your step dad! And cancel going on that 'honeymoon'.

Also, I think you were totally reasonable with your Auntie in the car on boxing Day. Your car, your rules. And you were doing her a favour! She was completely disrespectful.

orphanblack · 03/01/2019 10:28

Your step dad sounds amazing. Start your marriage and famuly life witg no strings attached. Next year have xmas with the family that love and appreciate you. Stop wasting your time keeping other people happy

roundaboutthetown · 03/01/2019 10:34

Your bio dad walking you down the aisle would be a travesty, in all honesty. He gave you away years ago. I strongly suspect the hyper-weird gesture of paying for the honeymoon (and wanting to benefit from it himself, because he's that sort of a selfish tosser) is his way of trying to ensure you let him walk you down the aisle - not because it means something to him, but because he thinks it would look bad if he weren't the one doing it (ie it would advertise the fact he's been a lousy, absent, totally uncaring and uninterested father for the vast majority of your life).