To want step dad to walk me down the aisle rather than bio dad?

[KleverKate]

I need a bit of outside perspective as I'm really upset about the situation so be gentle :P

I don't have the best relationship with my biological dad. We saw him at best 2 times a year from the age of 7 on wards (24 now) and he's never really bothered with us.
We've always seen him on boxing day and he's always given us a bit of cash and always given us a bit of something for our birthday (Always through the post, he never comes and actually sees us). He's never really contributed to mine and my brothers upbringing and my mum has had to deal with a lot on her own.
I moved out at age 21 and lived in 3 places since and he'd never even been to any of my new homes. To be fair, he does live 45 mins away but him and his partner both drive and I did invite them round once to my first home to stay over and they said they couldn't as they couldnt sleep on an airbed/sofa due to the fact my step mum has a bad hip. Since then, I didn't really bother as it was apparent that he wasn't bothered about coming down anyway. I've been with my fiance for 5 years and he's met him a grand total of 4 times.

I've always felt like he's got his new family now (His new wife and her 2 sons) and we're not important anymore. He even sent us a letter at one point when I was 11 and my brother was 14 saying as much that we need to accept the fact that he's moved on with his life.

I started driving 3 years ago and since then it has been my responsibility to drive me, my other half, my brother, his girlfriend and any other rogue family member from his side (Auntie, Grandma etc) bearing in mind I hardly know his side of the family which makes for a very uncomfortable drive, to his house on boxing day. I'm already a very nervous driver and everyone is fully aware that I struggle with the drive every year but no one has ever offered to come pick up up. So last year I was a bit fed up with this and thought why not invite them round to come and see us for a change and then they can see our new home. I text him asking him this and received no reply (Shock) and then about half an hour later he posted a facebook status at which point I just snapped.
Sent him a long text about how he can't be bothered with me and I'm done and want no contact as all it ever causes me is upset and heartbreak. Blocked him and all members of his family off all platforms. This was in November. Fast forward to December, meanwhile he's been trying to make contact with me and making the effort to get in touch and is getting ignored by me. My birthday is in December and on my birthday I get a phone call off of a private number. I assume that this is my Auntie (mums side) and pick up and start talking to her as it is but it turns out its my Step mum basically shouting at me telling me I'm ridiculous and that I'm a coward to which I basically told her to swivel and hung up on her. This irked me so I messaged my dad and told him to put his dog on a lead and fight his own battles and if he really wanted to contact me he could have come round to my house and spoken to me or at least sent me a letter, housewarming card, birthday card, christmas card ANYTHING.
Nothing until January when we get a letter and its from my dad explaining himself to which I then decide that if hes making the effort then I'll give him another chance.
May comes around and his mum dies, we all attend the funeral and have a heart to heart about how family means a lot and we should all stick together more. Nothing really changes but it was nice to feel loved.
In the mean time, him and his wife come round to visit us at our new home (which I mentioned in the fallout that I was offended they hadnt bothered yet) and we go for a meal. They dont so much as buy us a round of drinks when they know that we're saving for a wedding.
They go home, roll round to boxing day when its again, my responsibility to drive my auntie up and the rest of the gang to his house. Me and my brother sit on the edge feeling like outsiders, no one offers us a drink, no one has bought us a present and we sit there and watch their family all exchange gifts while we're sat there feeling a bit like lemons. No one offers me anything for petrol when they know that I'm skint. We saw my dad for a total of around 20 minutes while he was in the kitchen talking to my auntie. I kinda felt like I was being used to ferry her up there so that my dad could have a drink.
He didnt get me anything for my birthday this year either even though he said he'd transfer me some pennies (I've not seen these pennies yet and he doesn't even have my bank details)

Thats not even the entirety of the situation. Thats just the bare bones.

My step dad has been with my mum since I was 15. Has bent over backwards for us and I'm really glad he's a member of our family. Would literally do anything for us and treats us like his own. He has no kids but has accepted us with open arms and I see him as more of a dad than my dad. He has literally treated us like his own kids.
I want to show him how grateful I am by asking him to walk me down the aisle.

Heres where it gets complicated.
My dads way of contributing to our wedding is that he said he'd pay for our honeymoon.
HOWEVER the catch is - him and his wife are coming with us. I had to say to him, can we not stay on a week after you've left and we'll pay our own accommodation which is now what is happening.
Tbh, after Christmas I'm feeling really upset and would happily not go on the honeymoon with my dad and his wife as clinger onners. But I know they've already paid for the flights and the accommodation and I'm not sure what I can do.

To be honest - I'm probably just being a brat and that was a long waffling rant that didn't make any sense as when I think about it, I didn't get my dad anything for Christmas either (my brother and his girlfriend did but we said as we're saving for a wedding this year we wont be)

Am I being a brat?
Help!

Definitely it has to be your stepdad for your wedding day. You have said such lovely things about him, and he would be upset if he could not do the honours for you.

Your Bio Fathers honeymoon arrangements for you, sound very odd and obscure, I would not go along with this set up.

I expect selecting step dad over bio dad might cause problems. I would consider having mum do it, or even don't have anyone at all.

OP I do absolutely get it, as your situation is my situation largely.

Don't think about whether they want contact don't let them have the power over you.

He is your father yes,

But do you love them?
Do you like them ?

Do they contribute anything positive to your life?

Or do they only bring heartache and stress?

And there's your answer.

It's a shame you've already issued invites and now have to let it go or rescind them. As that is the case I'm not sure what your best course of action is.

Perhaps he should be categorically told

No Honeymoon
No Aisle

And they may solve the problem for you by refusing to come.

He's done it to "win", OP. He wants to be able to say "Well, I offered but Kate was horrible/rude/turned it down/stopped contact". He wants it to be your fault in the eyes of the world.

It's the Father equivalent of a boyfriend acting horrible to get YOU to dump THEM.

Whatever. Just ignore them, politely if possible.

Step 1) Decline honeymoon. Say you and future DH have been discussing and you really, really want to honeymoon alone, right from the start. You are sorry about the cost of the flights etc. - is there any way they can be changed? Say you will be happy to pay admin costs of changing flights and times etc. If he says No Way, come with us or it's all off.... Well, there you go. Save for your own honeymoon. Stand firm on this, honestly.

Step 2) Have whoever you like walk you down the aisle.

Step 3) Stop caring what any of them think. Start doing what pleases you and is convenient to you.

He got back in touch with you as you do all the donkey work and he wants that back, otherwise it's him having to forgo drinking on boxing day and ferrying his own family back and forth.

Lets face it, he doesn't care if you're there on boxing day or not, its not like there were presents for you, its not like he offered you drinks or anything, it's not like he sat and talked to you. The only reason you were there was to ferry his family to and fro, and also he gets the bonus of appearing to be father of the year as you attending shows him to be a wonderful dad.

Taking the high ground doesn't mean lying down and letting everyone walk all over you.

Make 2019 the year you take control of your life and go low contact with your waste of space sperm donor.

Have the person who you will look back and be happy at having walked you down the aisle, not someone you will regret.

You're not being bratty in the least, and to be honest I am aghast anyone would demand to go on any couples honeymoon! It's the weirdest 'gift' I've ever heard of. If he wants to spend time with you he could ask you to go on holiday with him and his family some other time, not hijack your honeymoon!

Ask anyone but your bio father.

Choose your Mum , she deserves this

My step-dad walked me down the aisle at my wedding a few years ago. I don't have the best relationship with my bio-dad and actually I didn't even invite him to my wedding at all. I don't regret my decision and the photos of my step-dad walking me down the aisle are very special to me.

This irked me so I messaged my dad and told him to put his dog on a lead

This is a truly disgusting expression, I’m horrified you would use it.

YANBU about the rest of it but still.

My grandad accompanied me down the aisle. My fathers dad. It wasn't even a question as he was there for me, where my father wasn't. He gave me a chunk of money towards the wedding which was kind, but I can't overlook the years and years of no contact.
Person of your choice, whoever you would like. I don't think you even need to have a conversation with your father about it

You are feeling bad about yourself and the way you are starting to ‘snap’ because you are under such pressure and you feel trapped in an intolerable situation that you are being forced to tolerate. It doesn’t make you a bad person. Anyone would be snapping and leaking out their upset and hurt.

But you don’t have to carry on like this, as this won’t end well for you. Your father will use your snapping against you and you’ll be constantly off balance trying to make up for your bad behaviour...

So, it’s really important to STOP.

Stop playing this game. Stop feeling trapped and powerless, because you actually aren’t. You have been blind sided into believing you are powerless and must be passive and the child. Bugnow you’re grown up.

You can change.

You can change the situation (that you are in)
You can change the rules (that you ay by when you engage with your ‘family’)

You can change all of this... by changing yourself.

What you can not change is their behaviour, their thoughts and words, and their meanness of heart.
You cannot change a thing they do. And that’s ok. Stop trying. Stop hoping. Stop waiting for them to do what you want and need them to do. They are mean and they won’t give you the emotional stuff you need from a parent. Luckily you have your mum, and also your step father.

Focus on yourself. Change yourself and your reaction to them. And takeback your power. Start saying no. It’s the only way you’ll start feeling better. And you don’t have to be mean about it. Set up your boundaries politely and firmly. Don’t be afraid to repeat the same sentence with a firm smile. You don’t have to explain yourself and they don’t have to agree. Just smile and say firmly ‘that doesn’t work for us so ... we won’t be able to come on your holiday with you’ etc.

You can do this.

Yes have your step-dad walk you down the aisle! I think that's established, now.

Cancel your honeymoon. Do not go on holiday with this awful couple - do you honestly want to start off your married life like that? How does ur dp feel about it?

You'll have a nicer time having a weekend somewhere boring in the UK than you will in that week with them.

I had my stepdad instead of my dad- it caused huge dramas but I don't regret not having my dad.

However years later my stepdad cheated on my mum and they split. Which has made me wish I had my mum wake me down the aisle instead. So my advice would be to have your mum. She is the one who has been the consistent parent from day 1 after all.

True gifts don't come with strings.

Jeez, he's done a number on you. I would ditch the whole lot of your bio dad's side. Un-invite to the wedding and definately cancel the non-honeymoon! If it even happens (unlikely).
Never drive them anywhere again. Disgusting how they use you as an unpaid chauffeur and not even a token Christmas gift.
Sad as it is he is never going to be the father you expect and want him to be.
Those rose tinted glasses need to be taken off and stomped on. However, no need for a big Jeremy Kyle confrontation, just quietly stop responding/ contacting him and his family.
I would consider some therapy to help you work through these unresolved feelings, etc.
Appreciate your step dad for the star he is and absolutely feel no guilt in having your real father walk you down the aisle.

Step Dad here. Although bio-Dad is nothing like yours he had little to do with his daughter's upbringing until she was an adult.

Years ago step daughter was getting married and really torn about the aisle walk, chatting with her Mum they decided Mum would do the job and the speech. I was so proud of them both.

OP you have a dreadful decision to make about the family in every other respect. And it's up to you, going NC with them is easy for us to say when we're looking in from the outside. I'd like to think if it was me I'd dump the lot of them. To me you've been a saint so far, maybe it's time to change that. All the best to you, your partner and, of course, DSD.

You have your Stepdad walk you up the Aisle, he is your father, and his decisions to be a disinterested and deadbeat dad has consequences. Don't accept that honeymoon offer with strings, tell them to shove it where the son don't shine, I would have cut him off years ago. The crux of the matter is, he isen't a good father, just because he is blood related, does not mean he has rights to walk you up the Aisle, I would think about also, whether you want him at the wedding, the shoddy way he has treated you and your brother.

I would not have any of them at the wedding, the way that they have treated you. Why would you want your dad and his wife on your honeymoon, it is your special time together and you will look back, and it will be tainted because they were there. Tell them to shove their offer.

The man that walks you down the aisle should be the man who loves you, unconditionally, through thick and thin. The man you turn to when you need advice and a hug. The man who has been there influencing your growth into the woman you are.
My Dad did not walk me down the aisle. I chose another male relative. Both have speeches. It caused no issue until the week before after he had been speaking to his peers. I stuck by my decision and he had a choice. Come, behave and play nicely or stay away. He chose the former. I felt happy I had made the right decision then and now.

I'm half thinking they want me to lose contact but I don't understand why he tried to get back in touch with me when I did take that leap.

He doing it because he doesn't not want contact, he just wants contact and everything else on his terms no matter the hurt or cost to you!
He wants the appearance of a relationship (like faking a "honeymoon" but actually just buying himself a holiday and letting you come) and he wants you to do all the work (like have you drive all family to him so he can drink)

He doesn't actually care enough about you to even think about your needs never mind put them first.

Your 'absent' biological Dad sounds like mine. I went NC with him for 25 years, and then didn't go to his funeral.

Nobody gave me away at my first wedding (bit of disapproval there) but my darling StepDad gave me away at second and third weddings, and was delighted to do so.

You have a Dad to walk you down the aisle so don't feel bad about not asking the man who happened to be there the night of conception. Have a lovely wedding and a happy marriage oh and a glass of next Boxing Day

Oh and politely declined the shared honeymoon. What parent puts terms on a honeymoon?! They can invite some friends so the tickets are not wasted. Don't feel bad about this. I cannot believe they would think this was ok!

I haven't rtft but my jae is still on the floor that anyone would think that crashing someone's honeymoon is a good idea(!).

I know money is tight OP, but you'd honestly be better off with a staycation than 'honeymooning' with two other people.

I'd go with having your mum walk you down the aisle.

She's been there since the beginning. She's also trying hard to allow you to make your own judgements, as you say she's not even offering an opinion in case it influences you.