To want step dad to walk me down the aisle rather than bio dad?

[KleverKate]

I need a bit of outside perspective as I'm really upset about the situation so be gentle :P

I don't have the best relationship with my biological dad. We saw him at best 2 times a year from the age of 7 on wards (24 now) and he's never really bothered with us.
We've always seen him on boxing day and he's always given us a bit of cash and always given us a bit of something for our birthday (Always through the post, he never comes and actually sees us). He's never really contributed to mine and my brothers upbringing and my mum has had to deal with a lot on her own.
I moved out at age 21 and lived in 3 places since and he'd never even been to any of my new homes. To be fair, he does live 45 mins away but him and his partner both drive and I did invite them round once to my first home to stay over and they said they couldn't as they couldnt sleep on an airbed/sofa due to the fact my step mum has a bad hip. Since then, I didn't really bother as it was apparent that he wasn't bothered about coming down anyway. I've been with my fiance for 5 years and he's met him a grand total of 4 times.

I've always felt like he's got his new family now (His new wife and her 2 sons) and we're not important anymore. He even sent us a letter at one point when I was 11 and my brother was 14 saying as much that we need to accept the fact that he's moved on with his life.

I started driving 3 years ago and since then it has been my responsibility to drive me, my other half, my brother, his girlfriend and any other rogue family member from his side (Auntie, Grandma etc) bearing in mind I hardly know his side of the family which makes for a very uncomfortable drive, to his house on boxing day. I'm already a very nervous driver and everyone is fully aware that I struggle with the drive every year but no one has ever offered to come pick up up. So last year I was a bit fed up with this and thought why not invite them round to come and see us for a change and then they can see our new home. I text him asking him this and received no reply (Shock) and then about half an hour later he posted a facebook status at which point I just snapped.
Sent him a long text about how he can't be bothered with me and I'm done and want no contact as all it ever causes me is upset and heartbreak. Blocked him and all members of his family off all platforms. This was in November. Fast forward to December, meanwhile he's been trying to make contact with me and making the effort to get in touch and is getting ignored by me. My birthday is in December and on my birthday I get a phone call off of a private number. I assume that this is my Auntie (mums side) and pick up and start talking to her as it is but it turns out its my Step mum basically shouting at me telling me I'm ridiculous and that I'm a coward to which I basically told her to swivel and hung up on her. This irked me so I messaged my dad and told him to put his dog on a lead and fight his own battles and if he really wanted to contact me he could have come round to my house and spoken to me or at least sent me a letter, housewarming card, birthday card, christmas card ANYTHING.
Nothing until January when we get a letter and its from my dad explaining himself to which I then decide that if hes making the effort then I'll give him another chance.
May comes around and his mum dies, we all attend the funeral and have a heart to heart about how family means a lot and we should all stick together more. Nothing really changes but it was nice to feel loved.
In the mean time, him and his wife come round to visit us at our new home (which I mentioned in the fallout that I was offended they hadnt bothered yet) and we go for a meal. They dont so much as buy us a round of drinks when they know that we're saving for a wedding.
They go home, roll round to boxing day when its again, my responsibility to drive my auntie up and the rest of the gang to his house. Me and my brother sit on the edge feeling like outsiders, no one offers us a drink, no one has bought us a present and we sit there and watch their family all exchange gifts while we're sat there feeling a bit like lemons. No one offers me anything for petrol when they know that I'm skint. We saw my dad for a total of around 20 minutes while he was in the kitchen talking to my auntie. I kinda felt like I was being used to ferry her up there so that my dad could have a drink.
He didnt get me anything for my birthday this year either even though he said he'd transfer me some pennies (I've not seen these pennies yet and he doesn't even have my bank details)

Thats not even the entirety of the situation. Thats just the bare bones.

My step dad has been with my mum since I was 15. Has bent over backwards for us and I'm really glad he's a member of our family. Would literally do anything for us and treats us like his own. He has no kids but has accepted us with open arms and I see him as more of a dad than my dad. He has literally treated us like his own kids.
I want to show him how grateful I am by asking him to walk me down the aisle.

Heres where it gets complicated.
My dads way of contributing to our wedding is that he said he'd pay for our honeymoon.
HOWEVER the catch is - him and his wife are coming with us. I had to say to him, can we not stay on a week after you've left and we'll pay our own accommodation which is now what is happening.
Tbh, after Christmas I'm feeling really upset and would happily not go on the honeymoon with my dad and his wife as clinger onners. But I know they've already paid for the flights and the accommodation and I'm not sure what I can do.

To be honest - I'm probably just being a brat and that was a long waffling rant that didn't make any sense as when I think about it, I didn't get my dad anything for Christmas either (my brother and his girlfriend did but we said as we're saving for a wedding this year we wont be)

Am I being a brat?
Help!

Please let your stepdad walk you down the aisle. He sounds so lovely whereas your bio dad and his wife sound really shit. There's no way I'd want to go on honeymoon with them, all paid for or not.

He didn't pay for her honeymoon though. He paid for her to take a holiday with him and his wife.

I had the same situation on my wedding day.
My step dad (dad) walked me down the aisle
Biological one didn't even turn up!Go with who feels right,bio dad dad doesn't have more right because of blood,Family is who has actually been there.

You did the right thing when you cut off your biodad previously and blocked his hangers-on. He didn't even try very hard to win you round. He does not deserve to be in your life. Have the wedding you actually want. I actually lolled at the poster who said they liked the idea of the sperm donor and wife coming on honeymoon to get to know you better. Honestly, it's time to please yourself and respect yourself. Which is probably what your DM is biting her lip not to say.

Probably went something like..

Dads mate: hey what are you getting your daughter for her wedding?
Dad: erm don’t know probably pay for something like her honeymoon
Later on to step mum: we have to pay for the honeymoon how do we get out of this.
Step mum: if we go on hol we can prob get a deal where they go free
Dad: brilliant we are going anyway and when people ask we can say Yes we are paying for the honeymoon don’t you know!

Tell them to get fucked.

Save up and have a honeymoon somewhere yourselves later on.

Why would you even want them at the wedding? I'd be more bothered that they would cause a scene

Stepdad. All the way.

My stepmum made my wedding cake and has generally been more of a mum than my egg donor ever was, despite me having almost no contact with her until I was 24.

And stop driving people round - they're taking the piss

I have a crap relationship with my dad. So bad that he's only actually met my DD twice and she's 11. Even my brother wont speak to him. Of his 3 children, only one speaks to him.

After my sister got married, in which he acted like father of the year, I vowed it would be my mum to walk me up the Aisle, should I get married.

I'd tell him to stick his auntie and honey moon up his entitled ass

Omg OP, please let your wedding gift to yourself be cutting your father out of your life. You do more for him ham he does for you!
Tell him you don’t want the honeymoon with strings attached. The most bey you’d spend on accommodation can be spent on a long very weekend in a glam hotel instead of two shitty weeks, because the second WILL be spoilt by having spent the first with them.

Your stepdad deserves the honour of walking you down the aisle, HE has been your real dad. My parents treated me like crap as a child, they were NOT invited to my wedding and it was brilliant. They went to my sisters wedding and ruined it. Please don’t share your special day with the sperm donor who pretends he is your dad.

A lot of this rings true for my family, particularly the Boxing Day shenanigans. If it weren't for the fact you have a brother and stepdad I'd wonder if we were family

The difference is I stopped playing about 20 years ago, at around your age (slightly younger)

His honeymoon with strings should have been immediately declined and I don't know why you or your fiancé didn't laugh in his face/refuse on the spot.

"Yeah Dad, come on our honeymoon? As if!"

You have no emotional attachment to this man, like my own father he is a stressful duty/chore that you feel you must complete because that's what families do

You point out yourself that your DM did all the hard yards so she should have the glory of giving you away as PPs suggest OR your brother if you must have a man. Your stepdad may be lovely but he's been your stepdad for less than a decade and only after you'd pretty much grown up.

The only parts of your posts I disagree with are the aggressive way you seem to speak to or about people. Can't quite believe that you said to your father in reference to his wife "put your dog on a leash" misogynistic and not classy, that said I understand you were stressed but it does make me

Another vote for asking your mum to walk you up the aisle.

And yet another vote for binning off the ‘holiday’ with people that don’t like you. Can’t honestly call it a honeymoon. If you do go, don’t call it a honeymoon as it’s not a contribution to your wedding.

And thirdly, just say you can’t make to the Boxing Day thing. You don’t enjoy, the others are just using you for a lift. Once was enough! Just say no, I’ve already got plans.

Families eh?
FWIW I did not allow my Dad to attend my wedding or make a speech. He was very petulant about it, but I had my (very good) reasons.
Your Dad is never going to be the Father you want, you know this, but there's always a glimmer of hope that it will be ok, next time. Even though you know it probably won't be.
Don't feel obliged to give him the privilege of accompanying you down the aisle. You could go alone, with your Mum or SD. It's up to you.
I'm afraid I'm also going to suggest that the honeymoon is also a bad idea. He is already using it to create obligation.

OP, please go with your stepdad. I didn't to keep the peace, my stepdad is no longer here and I honestly regret it every day. Being a good parent is so little to do with blood.

I wouldn't ask your mum, OP, simply for the reason that it would give your bio-dad a reason to think that you couldn't choose between him and your step-dad. As if that's some sort of 'contest'. I believe that he's arrogant enough to think this.

By asking your step-dad, you're giving a clear message to bio-dad that he wasn't good enough as a father - your step-dad was. That's what I would do anyway.

I imagine your mum would get tremendous pleasure (and validation at having chosen a decent dad for you) to see you and step-dad walking down the aisle.

"Can't quite believe that you said to your father in reference to his wife "put your dog on a leash" misogynistic and not classy"

I'd missed that. You should be ashamed of yourself OP. Walk away and don't ever talk to/about anyone like that.

The OP's bio-dad's wife rang OP up to berate HER. Don't deride the OP for lashing out. Not great to say what she did but in context of all the other shit that OP has taken on, no biggie really and OP has nothing to be ashamed of.

I've seen misogyny all over this board, even from those who profess themselves above it all.

I bet if you went with your bio dad I bet you would be sharing accommodation & I bet you would land up having to pay for food & entertainment. Go for a weekend away in a nice hotel (or midweek) if you can afford it -

He didn't pay for her honeymoon though. He paid for her to take a holiday with him and his wife.

Not when he tells it to people/complains though.

100% have your stepdad walking you down the aisle
I think that you have put up with far too much from your biological ‘father ‘ and tbh if I were in your shoes , I would cut him off

OP, just a thought but we went on honeymoon on our 1st anniversary as money was tight. :)

Traditionally, a bride is walked down the aisle by her father.

Traditionally, a father is a man who loves unconditionally and takes full fatherly responsibility for a child (and continues his loving support into their adulthood), who may or may not be biologically related to him - from the moment he first enters the child's life having made a commitment to fulfilling that role. He does not treat a child like a toy to fetch out of a cupboard and play with for a bit until he loses interest

Only one of these two men in any way fits these criteria.

It's well worth forgoing a free holiday (it's not actually a honeymoon if other family members go with you, except possibly any children you already have) with these relatives who value you so little if for no other reason than to pay full honour and tribute to your wonderful father on your special day.

Both my parents (not divorced) walked me down the aisle, firstly because I don't believe my Dad was "giving me away" and secondly because both my parents raised me. My Mum did twilight shifts when we were young and my Dad bathed us and put us to bed.

I saw it more like a blessing than giving me away.

Plus Mums almost never get to do this, doesn't matter if she has sons or daughters, whereas a Father gets to walk his daughter down the aisle.

I seriously don't know why you put up with that amount of shit from your Dad's side of the family. Why on earth are you letting them come on your honeymoon?

Get your Mum and step Dad to walk you down the aisle, fuck your Dad off.

There is a backstory to my relationship with his wife.
The contact fizzled out between us all as we used to see him twice a week and then it went down to once, then once a month and eventually twice a year.
My dad sat us both down when this happened and told us it's because him and his wife cannot afford the petrol. Bare in mind he didn't contribute nearly as much as my mum could have forced him to through the government and his wife works for a massive global company.
Every time we'd go out with her and my dad (once a month) I'd hold his hand or link him and that's the only time she'd insist on holding his other hand and dragging him this way and that.
Me and my other half went to an agricultural show with them once (first time he met my partner) and my dad wanted to buy us both a drink on the way home and she was sniping at him about it.
She called me on my birthday to have a go at me because I wouldn't reply to my dad and called me a few choice things. I would never usually speak to people the way I talked about her and I wouldn't usually tell people to F off like I did my Auntie. These past 2 years I've just been at the end of my tether with them.
I've always felt like she's the driving force which has been the decline of our relationship as she didn't want to take on his baggage. But at the end of the day I wanted to make the post about my dad rather than her as really he should stand up for himself.
On boxing day, they were talking about how her son and his girlfriend have bought a house. No one asked me about the weddings. They all had their invites between then and the last time I saw them and no one even said thank you.
I'm just sick of being treated like a mug and I think that's why half of me thinks I'm being a brat because I've stopped taking the high ground.
I'm half thinking they want me to lose contact but I don't understand why he tried to get back in touch with me when I did take that leap.

I would prioritise who walks you down the aisle in the following order:

1. Your mum
2. Your stepdad
3. Any grandparents?
4. Your brother
5. The dog (if you have one!)
6. Any other relative
7. Any friends?
8. No-one - do it alone as a strong independent woman
9. Your bio "dad"

It will cause arguments with your dad as it is publicly announcing to the world what a crap dad he has been, but anyone who cares about you already knows this and, well, karmas a bitch.

Main thing is to tell him, face to face if possible as soon as possible, as calmly and maturely as possible. Keep calm and explain to him that is how you feel, you have made your decision after a lot of soul searching and wont be changing your mind. If he threatens to take away the honeymoon or not attend the wedding, tell him you would like him to go but you respect his choice as he has to respect yours, don't argue with any of it. Do not discuss with anyone else (apart from your fiancé, mum, stepdad and brother for support), keep calm and tell them it is between you and your dad and you do not wish to discuss with them.

Good luck, Ive been through similar with a close family member it was tough when she first told her dad as some people initially took sides instead of remaining neutral, but it settled down eventually in time for the wedding.