To want step dad to walk me down the aisle rather than bio dad?

[KleverKate]

I need a bit of outside perspective as I'm really upset about the situation so be gentle :P

I don't have the best relationship with my biological dad. We saw him at best 2 times a year from the age of 7 on wards (24 now) and he's never really bothered with us.
We've always seen him on boxing day and he's always given us a bit of cash and always given us a bit of something for our birthday (Always through the post, he never comes and actually sees us). He's never really contributed to mine and my brothers upbringing and my mum has had to deal with a lot on her own.
I moved out at age 21 and lived in 3 places since and he'd never even been to any of my new homes. To be fair, he does live 45 mins away but him and his partner both drive and I did invite them round once to my first home to stay over and they said they couldn't as they couldnt sleep on an airbed/sofa due to the fact my step mum has a bad hip. Since then, I didn't really bother as it was apparent that he wasn't bothered about coming down anyway. I've been with my fiance for 5 years and he's met him a grand total of 4 times.

I've always felt like he's got his new family now (His new wife and her 2 sons) and we're not important anymore. He even sent us a letter at one point when I was 11 and my brother was 14 saying as much that we need to accept the fact that he's moved on with his life.

I started driving 3 years ago and since then it has been my responsibility to drive me, my other half, my brother, his girlfriend and any other rogue family member from his side (Auntie, Grandma etc) bearing in mind I hardly know his side of the family which makes for a very uncomfortable drive, to his house on boxing day. I'm already a very nervous driver and everyone is fully aware that I struggle with the drive every year but no one has ever offered to come pick up up. So last year I was a bit fed up with this and thought why not invite them round to come and see us for a change and then they can see our new home. I text him asking him this and received no reply (Shock) and then about half an hour later he posted a facebook status at which point I just snapped.
Sent him a long text about how he can't be bothered with me and I'm done and want no contact as all it ever causes me is upset and heartbreak. Blocked him and all members of his family off all platforms. This was in November. Fast forward to December, meanwhile he's been trying to make contact with me and making the effort to get in touch and is getting ignored by me. My birthday is in December and on my birthday I get a phone call off of a private number. I assume that this is my Auntie (mums side) and pick up and start talking to her as it is but it turns out its my Step mum basically shouting at me telling me I'm ridiculous and that I'm a coward to which I basically told her to swivel and hung up on her. This irked me so I messaged my dad and told him to put his dog on a lead and fight his own battles and if he really wanted to contact me he could have come round to my house and spoken to me or at least sent me a letter, housewarming card, birthday card, christmas card ANYTHING.
Nothing until January when we get a letter and its from my dad explaining himself to which I then decide that if hes making the effort then I'll give him another chance.
May comes around and his mum dies, we all attend the funeral and have a heart to heart about how family means a lot and we should all stick together more. Nothing really changes but it was nice to feel loved.
In the mean time, him and his wife come round to visit us at our new home (which I mentioned in the fallout that I was offended they hadnt bothered yet) and we go for a meal. They dont so much as buy us a round of drinks when they know that we're saving for a wedding.
They go home, roll round to boxing day when its again, my responsibility to drive my auntie up and the rest of the gang to his house. Me and my brother sit on the edge feeling like outsiders, no one offers us a drink, no one has bought us a present and we sit there and watch their family all exchange gifts while we're sat there feeling a bit like lemons. No one offers me anything for petrol when they know that I'm skint. We saw my dad for a total of around 20 minutes while he was in the kitchen talking to my auntie. I kinda felt like I was being used to ferry her up there so that my dad could have a drink.
He didnt get me anything for my birthday this year either even though he said he'd transfer me some pennies (I've not seen these pennies yet and he doesn't even have my bank details)

Thats not even the entirety of the situation. Thats just the bare bones.

My step dad has been with my mum since I was 15. Has bent over backwards for us and I'm really glad he's a member of our family. Would literally do anything for us and treats us like his own. He has no kids but has accepted us with open arms and I see him as more of a dad than my dad. He has literally treated us like his own kids.
I want to show him how grateful I am by asking him to walk me down the aisle.

Heres where it gets complicated.
My dads way of contributing to our wedding is that he said he'd pay for our honeymoon.
HOWEVER the catch is - him and his wife are coming with us. I had to say to him, can we not stay on a week after you've left and we'll pay our own accommodation which is now what is happening.
Tbh, after Christmas I'm feeling really upset and would happily not go on the honeymoon with my dad and his wife as clinger onners. But I know they've already paid for the flights and the accommodation and I'm not sure what I can do.

To be honest - I'm probably just being a brat and that was a long waffling rant that didn't make any sense as when I think about it, I didn't get my dad anything for Christmas either (my brother and his girlfriend did but we said as we're saving for a wedding this year we wont be)

Am I being a brat?
Help!

Aw bless you OP this all sounds really stressful. I would personally not be taking the honeymoon offer that way he has nothing hanging over you to use against you like “but I’m paying for the honeymoon!” Have your mum or step dad walk you down or even just yourself whoever you like but your dad sounds like he really doesn’t deserve to

Your dad and step mum are appalling. Why would they even want to go on honeymoon with you ? I assume your future hubby doesn’t want to go with them either. Ask step dad or even your mum to walk you down the aisle. Your dad doesn’t deserve the honour. Tell them to stick the honeymoon.

My dads way of contributing to our wedding is that he said he'd pay for our honeymoon.
HOWEVER the catch is - him and his wife are coming with us
This is bonkers and I would say thanks but no thanks.
In your shoes I'd give up on your bio dad. And if you want someone to walk you down the aisle and that someone to be your stepdad then go for it!

Oh and tell him to shove his honey moon up his ass! Pay for it yourself when you can afford it. No way would I accept that as a present 😕. If he booked flights already, that’s tuff luck.🙄

So he doesn't want to contribute to your wedding by gifting you your honeymoon, he wants to book himself a holiday to which he'll invite you along so he can pretend that he did a big thing for your wedding!

Then all he has to do is but you both a cheap flight so you can come on his holiday and stay in the accommodation that he already has any for himself (so it costs him no more than he would have spent on himself anyway) but he will frame it to everyone that he got you your honeymoon.

Your stepdad has proved he is your dad because he has been a dad to you! Family isn't about blood it's about relationships. He has proven over and over he wants a relationship with you so let him have one.

Only one of these men has nurtured a relationship with you so that's the relationship you should nurture back.

I'm not telling you to dramatically cut contact, just put your boundaries in place and stop bending over backwards for a man who doesn't seem to care or have any interest in building a loving relationship with you and il bet you find that things will take their natural course and he will fade (maybe a card occasionally or the odd call) from your life because he doesn't care enough about you to want to stay in it.

For what it's worth if my dad hadn't died I'd have had both of them walk me down the aisle
My stepdad has always treated us as his own and I love him as if he was my father.
My bio dad was lovely too but sadly he died when I was 21 so obviously I don't have the worry of not upsetting him by having s/d around, but because he was my dad and he loved me he respected my relationship with s/d and understood how much this other person did for me and cared.

Oh, stop being Boxing Day taxi driver.
You'll be married next year so you'll be starting your own Christmas traditions which involve being anywhere other than with your father's family. He's treating you like the hired help.

I suspect there is some undisclosed role you'll be expected to perform whilst on holiday with them and it won't involve anything remotely honeymoony.

Definitely let your step dad walk you down the isle and absolutely do not go on your honeymoon with your bio dad, why would they even consider that, its weird. I wpuld have cut my bio dad off years ago if I were you, he sounds like a twat.

Definitely ask your stepdad, I bet he will be honoured. He is much more worthy of the role than your dad.

He wrote you a letter to tell you he'd moved on. That was the point where you should have let him go. Why are you driving to his on Boxing Day? I'd knock that on the head.

As for My dads way of contributing to our wedding is that he said he'd pay for our honeymoon. HOWEVER the catch is - him and his wife are coming with us. I've never heard anything as crazy as that. Who the hell says they're going on your honeymoon?

You're definitely not being a brat. The honeymoon idea is ridiculous, and our father very obviously has no claim to walking you down the isle. He made it clear to you years ago that you don't come first for him, so you need feel no compunction at following his lead on that. Don't worry about the fact he's booked the honeymoon, they can take someone else with them.

You will end up going no contact with your dad, you aren't quite ready yet but it will happen. It's hard for children to totally give up on a parent - even the utterly useless ones - but everyone has a breaking point.

When you do go no contact you will completely regret allowing him any involvement in your wedding/honeymoon and it will spoil your memories. It's something to bear in mind when you make your decision about what you really want.

I feel a bit sad that your post is all about how awful you find your DF and the nice thoughts about your step-dad are tagged on. I think its fine to be angry with your DF. I think some of the issues are minor tbh (if you don't want to drive, then don't. If you want them to chip in for petrol then ask them). But don't ask your step-dad to walk you down the aisle to spite your dad because that's my concern about your post. It doesn't sound like a positive decision but a negative one to try to take back some control from your DF. Your step-dad deserves better than that.

Your father is coming with you on your honeymoon??? Hell no!!!
Ask your step-dad to walk you down the aisle as he's been your dad.
Your father merely provided the sperm it would seem.

Of course it should be your stepdad who walks you down the aisle. He's the one who has actually taken responsibility for you.

As others have said:
do NOT go on the honeymoon-from-hell-with-strings - that will be a disaster of a way to start a marriage;
do NOT keep going over for Boxing Day, it is quite clear you are basically being used as a driver so others can have a drink;
absolutely DO have your step dad walk you down the isle.
Consider cutting your bio dad off completely - he and the wife sound toxic and only want to be in your life on their terms.
Have the wedding you want - I wish you and your partner a fab wedding and fab life together x

Chose your poor Stepdad!

He's the one that's been there for you,honestly the way your bio dad and his wife have behaved I wouldn't be having them at the wedding or any of your bio dad's family neither being as they only want to know you when you drive them on boxing day.

Cherries101 has said what we all think. Stop the nonsense now.**

@KleverKate I could of genuinely written this post myself. So many details match my life.

I had always said that I would have preferred to have my Step Dad walk me down the isle.

I actually got engaged in September and my and DP decided to elope - we did so in December.

We announced this over Christmas to our families - personally to those that live locally. And to the majority of my family (they live 3.5-4 hrs away) we made these lovely cards - think wedding invites except they say we got married. I also sent my dad a framed photo of us on our wedding day.

Funnily enough the only person to take offence at what we had done and the way we had announced it was my biological dad. This was last Friday. He's yet to say congratulations to me, instead screamed down the phone at me before hanging up. As far as I'm concerned he stopped being my dad long ago.

So yeah: it's your day. Do what you want. If your biological dad truly cared about you he'd want you to be happy.

Thanks guys.
My mum won't give me her honest opinion on it as she doesn't want to poison me against him and wants me to make my own opinions so it is nice to know I'm not being self-centred.

One thing I didn't mention which I guess dependant on how you look at it either me or my dad could be in the wrong is this year on boxing day when I agreed to take my auntie up my dad text me her postcode on christmas day and said that she'll need to sit in the front as she has a bad leg. (I have a 5 door 2018 plate spacious car so shouldnt really be an issue either way). I replied saying I need my brother in the front to help me with directions as I find it a very stressful drive so we'll pull the seat forward so she's comfortable. He replied saying that my brother can be a backseat driver and she cannot by any means sit in the back of the car and he's sure I'll work it out. So I put back, I find it a stressful drive already, if you're that bothered about it then come and pick her up yourself. To which he then put 'Like I said, I'm sure you'll work it out' so I replied 'Sorted, shes in the boot'. Hear nothing back from him that day. Next day, I go to pick her up and I sit her in the back. Journey there is fine. On the journey back she's had a drink. I'm panicking because its now dark and even more stressful and I've got my music on low to relax me. My auntie starts playing tinny R&B music from her tablet in the back and I say please can you turn that off I'm finding it stressful. She doesnt turn it off. I turn round and say Turn the music off now. She doesnt turn it off at which point I'm getting stressed out and start to snap and shout I've told you 3 times now turn the music off. All this while I'm trying to merge onto the motorway which is a bad situation for me in itself. She doesn't turn it off and I get stressed and say This is the 4th time, turn the music off or get the F out of my car (I know I'm being unreasonable on this one) to which she says Im turning it down and I snap back Dont turn it down turn it off. Q super awkward 1 hr drive back to where we live.
I told my dad this and the only thing he was concerned about was the fact I told my auntie to get the f out of my car. Aghhhh I don't know why I bother honestly!!
I called him on new years eve to say happy new year and he was doing a gig (He's a DJ) so had to go and said he'd call me in the morning and he rang me back around 6 o clock at night and I just thought to myself - balls to it!!

Not sure why you agreed to let them come on honeymoon with you when they don’t generally give you the time of day I would rather have a week in a tent with my new DH than go on honeymoon on those terms.

Who cares if they have already paid, tell them you aren’t going and they aren’t invited to the wedding. Your SD has been more of a father so ask him to walk you down the aisle and have a lovely day rather than a miserable time with that disappointment who is biologically your dad.

Could your Mum walk you down the aisle?

OMFG - tell him to GTF

He's really done a number on you for you to still be tolerating his behaviour and calling yourself a brat for finally wanting to protect yourself from it.

Family aren’t the people we share blood or genetics with, family are the people who give a damn about us.

You've described patterns of emotional abuse from your bio dad.

All the times he promised things would change and had those emotional outpourings were just to prevent you from walking away. He never had any intention of behaving differently. It's a classic control tactic.

I'm so sorry for the way he's treated you. You deserved so much better.

Your life and wellbeing are precious enough to protect from his treatment. It will only continue to drag you down. If he wasn't related to you, would you still be tolerating being treated so badly? If a friend told you someone was treating them like this, would you tell them to keep putting up with it even though you could see the damage it was doing?

Valuing yourself and protecting your own wellbeing is an important, brave thing to do. It doesn't make you a brat, or a bad pain, or selfish, or whatever else you might have been called or be calling yourself.

Your life is worth more than this.

Your stepdad raised you and is more of a man than your bio Dad. I know who I'd choose.

And he can forget about the honeymoon, he'll hold it over you the rest of your days.

Who the bloody hell writes a letter to their own children at 11 and 14 telling them "he's moved on with his life"? What a bastard.