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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or just paranoid?

88 replies

ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 08:38

My friend fancies my husband, I know this because she told me. I think my husband fancies her too.
The last few parties we've been at together it's like my husband has forgotten I'm there and spends most of his time with her, talking and dancing. They message each music they like, etc.
I have told him how I feel but he said I'm being stupid. When I asked if he fancied her too he just ignored me. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
AliceScarlett · 02/01/2019 08:40

I'd be suspicious tbh. So weird that she told you!

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 08:44

She'd had quite a few drinks when she told me

OP posts:
2cats2many · 02/01/2019 08:44

Put some boundaries in place with both of them. Now.

You don't say much about what kind of man your husband is or if f he had previous for this kind of thing. I would sit him down and explain to him how you feel and what you want from him. If he loves and you and is a good man, he'll want you to feel better.

If he's an arsehole, he won't.

And next time your 'friend' says anything about fancying your husband, tell her firmly that if she wants to stay friends with you, she needs to pack that in straight away. Let her know that you don't like it.

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 08:47

My husband is a good man, he's never done anything like this before. We've been married 10 years and I trust him. But I've never had a situation like this. He says he likes her and enjoys talking to her.

OP posts:
2cats2many · 02/01/2019 08:49

If he's a good man, he'll understand that you don't like the flirting and will stop it if you ask him too.

It's OK to have boundaries and to say when something makes you feel uncomfortable.

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 09:41

I talked to him about it last time and it hasn't made a difference. He doesn't see an issue with it and says I'm being ridiculous.
So now I'm not sure if I am just over reacting Confused

OP posts:
Auntiepatricia · 02/01/2019 09:42

You’re not overreacting.

2019already · 02/01/2019 09:43

Are you and your friend similarly matched looks-wise?

pyjamama · 02/01/2019 09:43

I'd feel uncomfortable with my dh messaging my friend a lot tbh... is she married too ?

ballsdeep · 02/01/2019 09:44

No you're kot over reacting I wouldn't be happy either.
I think you need to put boundaries in place, especially with the messaging about music etc. Usually that wouldn't matter but because the situation is like this it does. They are getting closer and could soon embark on an emotional affair or worse

RedTartanLass · 02/01/2019 09:44

She's not really a friend is she? A real friend doesn't do any of that! Get rid of her and tell your husband to stop texting her.

DailyMailDontStealMyThread · 02/01/2019 09:48

You are not over reacting and he should be taking how it’s making you feel to heart.

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 10:01

No we don't look alike at all. She is very good looking and quite a bit younger than me too.
She's single, her last relationship was with a married man.
I just feel really upset about it all tbh and he just seems to be brushing me off. I've explained that it's hurting my feelings but he can't seem to understand that.
I love him so much and I know he loves me. It's just he seems to be drifting away. Things have been quiet in the bedroom department he's always too tired or not in the mood because I've brought something up that he doesn't like.

OP posts:
Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 10:07

OP, it's sad that you're doubting yourself.

You need to cut out this friend totally. Block her on anything.

And then tell DH that he needs to block her as well and have zero contact or the marriage is over.

You can't go half arsed with this, you need to go scorch the earth' as they say on here.

brownriceandpoptarts · 02/01/2019 10:14

This is bonkers, not sure I'd want a friend that felt comfortable telling me she fancied my husband!

Don't let him minimise your feelings. If you feel uncomfortable, especially regarding her admission and his silence, then he should be respecting that and have your back. He's being a prick tbh.

I would not be entertaining this at all, he needs to stop the messages and she needs to find a new friend.

ballsdeep · 02/01/2019 10:24

Well she sounds a delight op. Her last relationship was shagging some other poor woman's husband so you know she has form. Do you think he's driftibg and lacking in sex because of the closeness with your friend?

Kittykat93 · 02/01/2019 10:48

Stuff that. It's really wierd anyway that your so called friend has told you she fancies your husband. Them texting eachother and dancing together etc - NOPE. You need to put a stop to this op before it develops into something more.

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 10:50

I honestly don't know why!
I don't want to upset anyone and we're all in the same group of friends so I feel as though I could be the one who loses everyone's friendship

OP posts:
Consolidateyourloins · 02/01/2019 10:53

Well then you confide in your most trusted friends that she is making a play for your husband and your husband is also flirting with her and dismissing your concerns.

You get in there first because YOU have done nothing wrong.

And if you lose some of the friends then they weren't real friends anyway.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/01/2019 11:08

This woman is no friend of yours, op, and your husband is a fool for encouraging this very dangerous game she's playing. It's very alarming that he seemingly doesn't care how inappropriate his behaviour is and how this is upsetting you.

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 12:12

Thanks for all of your help. I'm going to talk to him about it again and see if I can get through to him

OP posts:
2cats2many · 02/01/2019 12:29

Friends don't treat each other like this. You need to challenge her.

EdinaMonsoon · 02/01/2019 12:41

Honestly she is not your friend OP. She’s effectively getting on with pursuing your husband in plain sight. And your DH is enabling this by dismissing your feelings & riding rougshod over them whilst he does as he pleases.

KarmaStar · 02/01/2019 12:58

I don't know how long you have known this woman op,but she is NOT a friend.
She is making a play for your dh.
He is possibly enjoying the flattery from a pretty younger woman but (hopefully)that's all it is on his side.
But it needs to stop.Blatant ignoring of you at parties is downright rude.
I'd say get rid of her,but there is that saying about keeping your enemies closer....
Tell your DH how you are feeling,would be like you acting like this?no!
Hopefully he will understand and back right off her!!

Omzlas · 02/01/2019 13:38

My BF thinks my DH is fit and once had a mucky dream about him. Was I bothered? No.

That said, she doesn't regularly message time and neither him her. He messages her twice a year, to ask what he could get my for my birthday or Xmas, and even then it's on FB

Oh, I lie, she messaged him last weekend after she bundled me in a taxi with a tenner shoved in my bra for the taxi fare. He messaged her when I was safely home. End of.

Doesn't sit right with me OP

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