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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or just paranoid?

88 replies

ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 08:38

My friend fancies my husband, I know this because she told me. I think my husband fancies her too.
The last few parties we've been at together it's like my husband has forgotten I'm there and spends most of his time with her, talking and dancing. They message each music they like, etc.
I have told him how I feel but he said I'm being stupid. When I asked if he fancied her too he just ignored me. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:

TheWiseWomansFear · 03/01/2019 09:51

Your husband finds his relationship with her more important than your happiness... take from that what you will. It might be entirely platonic, but it's not very considerate.

Burnt0range · 03/01/2019 09:57

Definitely not paranoid, I would say.

I would be putting some boundaries down. I wouldn't be having contact with them both at the same time anymore. You need to let her (their?) feelings settle down and begin to depart. Personally, I would have some time away from said friend altogether, for a time and explain why! It doesn't sound like she is careful or respectful about what she has revealed to you. It sounds like she is pushing her luck and wilfully pursues a chance to flirt with him. There is one thing your friend fancying your husband, but there's another thing when it comes to the way she behaves about it. It doesn't sound like she is behaving very appropriately or respectfully as your friend. Same goes for your husband, if in fact he does fancy her too.

golddustwomen · 03/01/2019 10:04

I think I would be dropping said friend like a sack of shit. Few drinks or not, who tells their friend that they fancy their husband?! Very strange.. and then to message him?! She has no respect for you. And by putting his friendship with her above your feelings, your husband has no respect for you either.

badirene · 03/01/2019 10:19

Maybe he is just flattered and enjoying the attention from a young attractive woman and I'm being unreasonable having a go at him for that?

No you are not unreasonable at all, he is getting his ego inflated by her knowing that their behaviour is hurtful and upsetting to you, his wife and mother of his DC. Sit him down and ask if he is really going to put messaging with her above everything, his wife, his kids, your shared home life? If he is he can pack his bags and go, and mean that.

This woman is no friend to you, drop her today. Then tell your husband to buck up his ideas and stop acting the clown.

CantStandMeow · 03/01/2019 10:26

The person she's 'talking to so shes not really single' is your DH

NomsQualityStreets · 03/01/2019 10:33

OP I will give you the advice I always give posters on here who are questioning themselves.

If the shoe was on the other foot how do you think your DP would react? Would he be happy if you just left him at parties to talk to and dance with another attractive man who he knows fancies you and ignore him/refuse to discuss and call him ridiculous when he questions you about it?
Do you think he would be questioning himself and tiptoeing around it or do you think he would just be (rightfully) pissed off?

I find it really sad the amount of mainly women on here who come questioning and unsure of whether they're overreacting or not and the men that are happy to make out their wife/SO is being unreasonable or crazy.

umpteennamechanges · 03/01/2019 10:48

Your husband finds his relationship with her more important than your happiness... take from that what you will. It might be entirely platonic, but it's not very considerate.

^ This. Absolutely this.

umpteennamechanges · 03/01/2019 10:49

And I agree with @CantStandMeow that the person she's 'talking to so shes not really single' is your DH

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 03/01/2019 10:49

Noms has hit the nail on the head - it makes it incredibly clear if you turn the tables how utterly inappropriate both parties are being.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/01/2019 11:15

I've known many men, including my ex who 'fell' into an affair this way. They think that if its not actual sex it doesn't count and therefore you are in ye wring and bring ridiculous. He's angry because he does actually know he's in the ring but he's enjoying the attention and is convincing himself that's all it is. You have to sit him down and explain that even if it is 'nothing' its hurting you and as your husband he ought to care about that more than carrying this on. Also I like the idea of flipping it and asking for his honest answer about how he would feel. Good luck.. Above all. Don't ignore it.

Consolidateyourloins · 03/01/2019 11:31

Now he's refusing to speak to me about it again.

Please don't think he's refusing to speak about it because he's hurt that you've questioned him.

He's annoyed that you are not just letting him have his way and the refusal to speak about it is a way to shut it down.

See posts from posters above whose partners stopped the texting as soon as they knew their partners were uncomfortable about it.

I'm sorry to see that you still think you may be being unreasonable. Why are you placing his happiness above your discomfort?

Why is she telling him about men but not you and her friends?

Original poster

ParanoidorDoomed · 03/01/2019 12:26

Thank you everyone. It was his reaction to me bringing it up that made me question myself and if what I was feeling was wrong. But after reading all of your comments I know I'm not the one in the wrong here.
And if he doesn't like it then it's tough.

OP posts:

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 12:35

Even if there's nothing going on I'd be annoyed at how much he's loving the attention and encouraging it. Ignoring you at parties etc. He seems fairly dismissive about your feelings about it too.

Original poster

ParanoidorDoomed · 03/01/2019 18:06

I've told him exactly how I feel and that he is in the wrong and that I need it to stop because it's hurting me and I won't have it.
His reply was that he only sees her when we socialise together so if he was interested in more than friendship then he would be trying to see her outside of that.

OP posts:

HannahnotAgnes · 03/01/2019 18:16

That makes no sense Op as what about the messages to one another?

I'd not socialise with her at all in future given his statement.

However, I'm sorry to say that it sounds like you're fighting a losing battle to me if he considers so little for your feelings.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 03/01/2019 18:37

Doesn't matter how much he sees her - it's the inappropriate communication that's ringing huge alarm bells.

MortyVicar · 03/01/2019 19:10

OP he's gaslighting you. Making this all about how unreasonable and ridiculous you're being. And the whole purpose of gaslighting is to make the victim doubt both what they're feeling, and their sanity.

I'm sorry to say this, but just because he hasn't done it before doesn't mean he isn't doing it now.

halfwitpicker · 03/01/2019 19:41

His reply was that he only sees her when we socialise together so if he was interested in more than friendship then he would be trying to see her outside of that. angry

Least he's honest.

SnackingRevolution · 03/01/2019 19:49

You've told him it's hurting you and he doesn't feel the need to:
Apologise
Stop
Make amends...

Just WOW

Hotchocolate18 · 03/01/2019 22:24

Hmmm not saying he will stop sends alarm bells ringing

Beelzebop · 04/01/2019 01:06

Wow, they both need to be told in polite scary-nice tones to back the hell off. Even if your dh is purer than the driven snow he should stop if it upsets you! She is no friend at all behaving like that. It's probably wrong but id be furiously raging by now tbh.

Jamiefraserskilt · 04/01/2019 02:17

He needs to stop feeding her fancy. End of

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 04/01/2019 08:55

Do not doubt yourself. You are not wrong. He is being disrespectful to you & as for her- she’s no friend to you.

Original poster

ParanoidorDoomed · 04/01/2019 11:00

I'd completely had enough of him blatantly refusing to see things from my point of view last night which ended in a blazing row and him sulking off. He's not spoken to me since the wanker!
I don't understand where this has come from, honestly he is the nicest guy you could ever meet.

OP posts:

Beelzebop · 04/01/2019 11:25

He's annoyed OP because your instincts are right. You seriously need to watch out. He's weak and she's a viper.

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