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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or just paranoid?

88 replies

ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 08:38

My friend fancies my husband, I know this because she told me. I think my husband fancies her too.
The last few parties we've been at together it's like my husband has forgotten I'm there and spends most of his time with her, talking and dancing. They message each music they like, etc.
I have told him how I feel but he said I'm being stupid. When I asked if he fancied her too he just ignored me. I don't know what to do?

OP posts:
Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 02/01/2019 15:05

My other friends message him occassionally, but only things like letting him know I'm on my way home, or messaging him to get a hold of me because my phones died etc. And he's messaged them to ask where I am or if I'm on my way home just things like that.

OP posts:
HeyArthur · 02/01/2019 15:46

Oh dear this is not good at all.
I've actually seen this happen before with two friends. They are no longer friends or married 😬

OutPinked · 02/01/2019 15:51

She isn’t a real friend and you need to ditch her pronto. If I’m being honest I would ditch the husband while I was at it. You’re not overreacting at all. They are both flirting in front of you and your ‘D’H is practically forgetting you exist in favour of her... fuck that.

ENormaSnob · 02/01/2019 15:58

This is not going to end well imo.

Stripyhoglets1 · 02/01/2019 16:04

She is not a friend of yours or of your marriage. She doesn't respect it and the he's sounding like he doesn't respect it much either. I feel for you as it doesn't sound like he's prepared to take steps to protect his relationship with you from the attraction between them.

PixieBob28 · 02/01/2019 16:28

Please ditch the 'friend'. If she's dated married men in the past she has no boundaries and will do it again if she wants to. The only time my husband texts my friends is on behalf of me (my phone has died etc) , about me (I'm in hospital etc), or something to do with me ("insert name" just had our baby etc). Husband may just be flattered, lusting, harmless flirting but this involves again someone who would take it further so nip it at the bud and get rid of her and tell him to do the same too.

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 02/01/2019 16:42

Can you confide in your friends about it? They're more likely to understand and sympathise with your actions if you do decide to (understandably) cut her off.

And I agree that you should be wary of her considering her history, and your DH should actively be discouraging her if there's nothing to worry about - if he isn't (which is what sounds like is happening) then I think it's highly likely to develop into something.

TickleMyPickle20 · 02/01/2019 16:45

You say her last relationship was with a married man?
Yeah, I'd be telling DH to go NC with her. If she's done it before, she'll try it again.

HannahnotAgnes · 02/01/2019 17:19

Oh Op, I'm so sorry for you. You need to stop this now - give him an ultimatum if you need to.

This happened to my mum & her younger friend made an absolute play for my dad - she did manage to turn his head & ended up splitting my mum & dad up after 30 years of marriage. I know it takes 2 to tango & you never know what goes on behind closed doors etc etc however I can honestly say that my parents were getting on well & enjoying life with me & my siblings having grown & left home until this so called friend got into the mix. I saw it happening & warned my mum (I didn't 'see' anything as such, just pointed out that the number of text messages seemed excessive & didn't like how she literally hung off my dad's every word etc etc (I was late 20s)). My mum laughed it off saying that she'd nothing to worry about & he was just being helpful as she was a young single mum & needed their support (my mum helped her out loads too!). Anyway, he cheated with her & left. They're now married - this was all over 10 years ago.

Don't let him away with it - I truly think my dad didn't see it coming & then got his head turned when he started feeling old. Not making excuses for him as I think he's a bastard for what he did, but I really don't think it would have happened if she'd not actively went after him.

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 03/01/2019 08:06

I tried to talk to him about it last night but he said he wasn't interested in having that conversation again because I'm being ridiculous, and that she's talking to someone now so she's not really single if she's interested in someone!
I've never heard her mention someone new that she's talking to so I don't know how he would know that.
I don't want to confide in my other friends as we're quite a small group and I don't want to put them in the middle. Especially if it's only me who thinks there's something wrong with this.
I'm just so confused, and actually doubting my sanity a little now Confused

OP posts:
stokieginge · 03/01/2019 08:16

@ParanoidorDoomed I had something similar to this. My DH was messaging our neighbour frequently (I'm also friends with her). I made an off the cuff comment about it and he no longer messages her because he thinks it makes me uncomfortable.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 03/01/2019 08:23

I think you may be surprised op, we had similar in our group, turned out our "friend" had made a play for most of our husbands in turn. Found this out after she fell out with us all.
And the person she is messaging? Doesn't exist, made up to throw you off the scent.

Bluntness100 · 03/01/2019 08:34

Well that's a bit Jeremy Kyle.

The fundamental question is do you trust him?

He is being disrespectful as he knows her feelings. So as a base line should discourage and end personal contact with her.

Hanab · 03/01/2019 08:38

Tell them both together you are not comfortable with the way things are going. If she is any sort of friend she will respect your wishes and OH values you he will back off too. I think irs better to confront it head on .. if nothing is going on other than friendship their wont be any problems. That’s just my humble opinion🌷

Hanab · 03/01/2019 08:38

Oh gosh I wish I could edit all the spelling mistakes🙈

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 03/01/2019 09:00

I've never had a reason not to trust him. Not with anything like this. He's lied in the past but that was about money and when I found out he said he'd never lie to me again. He was very good at it though.
I've never been in this situation before so maybe that's why I'm just not handling it very well.
Maybe he is just flattered and enjoying the attention from a young attractive woman and I'm being unreasonable having a go at him for that?

OP posts:
beanaseireann · 03/01/2019 09:05

Do you have children together ?
Does your 'friend' have children ?

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 03/01/2019 09:06

Yes we have children, and he's an amazing father. No she doesn't have any children

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 03/01/2019 09:10

We are all entitled to find people other than our partners attractive. BUT in my book your dh is overstepping the mark.

Not taking any notice if you at parties answer giving it all to her and messaging all the time is overstepping the mark.

I’d be telling him to stop it. It’s cimoletely disrespectful towards you and quite frankly fucking rude. He needs to put you, and your feelings first and foremost.

Original poster
ParanoidorDoomed · 03/01/2019 09:37

I commented on it the first time it happened and then thought nothing of it. Then the second time after the party I got quite upset and so had a bit of a go. Then I thought it wouldn't happen again. But it did and I found out about the messages so I brought it up again. Now he's refusing to speak to me about it again.

OP posts:
IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 03/01/2019 09:40

Flowers op

She’s after him & if he won’t listen to you I’d start to get your ducks in a row. Sorry.

Is there anyone else you trust that may talk sense into him?

beanaseireann · 03/01/2019 09:42

I just hope your "d"h thinks about you and your dc before he 'falls into' an affair.
She is no friend.

mouthkisses · 03/01/2019 09:46

You don't need to have a conversation with him. You pick a moment and you TELL him his behaviour is upsetting and inappropriate and you want it to stop. No two way conversation needed.

If it doesn't stop, you cut her out of your life, and deal with the consequences of that.

CornforthWhite · 03/01/2019 09:48

Ask her to stop messaging him. If she is your friend she will stop in an instant and be appalled that you're worried.
If she doesn't that speaks volumes.

LongWalkShortPlank · 03/01/2019 09:49

I agree with previous posters, there was a woman who would message my boyfriend things that she shouldn't who was apparently a friend. When he realised it made me uncomfortable, without us even having a huge conversation about it, he deleted her everywhere and stopped replying to her messages. Your husband is putting that above your marriage right now. The point isn't whether or not he is going to cheat, but that he continues to message a woman who has told you she fancies him and who acts inappropriate (dancing etc) with him in front of you after admitting that. That alone should be enough for him to stop. The thing is he will probably just do it sneakily now op. I'm sorry.