To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

Unfortunately most venues have cottoned onto out of season Saturdays so still charge a premium. Its usually less than a summer wedding but still more expensive than a weekday, some even split out the week so Friday is more expensive than Tuesday.

It takes some hunting to find venues which don't cost a fortune and means a DIY wedding which is what we did to keep costs down but it took a lot of time and was a logistics operation in itself!
We even used Google maps to find nice village halls as we refused to pay 4+k for a space! If you don't have the time then the packages take a lot of stress away.

I think that's why I like Scottish weddings so much, the lack of restrictions in where you can have a wedding ceremony means that the prices are kept reasonably in check due to larger competition as no wedding licences required.

My mum had a meltdown before my wedding as I chose to have an early afternoon wedding, followed by canapes and then an evening buffet. My parents had kindly given me enough money for about half the wedding, but to save costs as we were funding the rest, I skipped the wedding £2-3k wedding breakfast. She was upset that people travelling from afar wouldn't be fed and was offering my uncle and auntie (who live a few hours away) lunch out to apologise!! An auntie and uncle who never speak to me, despite sending Xmas cards etc (i.e. If we were in a room together they'd not speak)
I was fuming that she felt so bad about it. These relatives are also very rich so could have taken themselves to a local restaurant first if desired. If it's to much hassle, don't fucking come, end of.
I do think it's worse when you accept to be a bridesmaid, and then the bride has a wedding which is mid week/expensive location etc and doesn't offer to pay for much, considering they have saved themselves a bomb by having midweek vs weekend wedding.

I think weddings in far flung, expensive locations take the piss somewhat, unless the intention is actually to reduce the guest list.

I don’t mind child free weddings. I’ve been to one since having a child and have been invited to one recently. The latter I won’t be going to. Because I’m not close to the bride and groom and it is in an awkward to get to location and stay in. No hard feelings, I’m sure they’ll get over it really very quickly!

I had a friend who planned a destination wedding, partly because it was so much cheaper. She really wanted her parents and siblings to attend

Herein lies another problem. When 'destination weddings' started it was accepted that the couple went alone, and that you saved money by having a 'just the two of us' wedding on a beach somewhere - effectively building the ceremony into your honeymoon. I presume this model didn't turn out to be profitable enough for the wedding industry as now it seems that at least family, and potentially the whole 'home' guest, are expected to fly to all sorts of locations and basically take a week long holiday at the place and time of someone else's choosing, but where they themselves pick up the cost. If you expect anyone else to go, destination weddings are inherently selfish IMO - unless your family members are rich and can afford it without any of this 'you've got two years to save up for it' lark that some guests get told.

Also bear in mind that not everyone marries someone from the same home town (which is just as well for the gene pool, really) so often at least one side of the family will have to travel. Sometimes these 'destinations' are places picked sort of halfway between the two families.

Which can still be the worst of both worlds if the middle ground is difficult for everyone to get to and is more remote. If one of you is from Manchester and one of you from Liverpool, it's probably going to be more convenient for the guests as a bloc to do it in one of those cities instead of a barn in Cheshire, even if the total number of miles travelled ends up being the same.

I love the way people think that the only way weddings are expensive is when selfish bride and grooms insist on ‘dream venues’ and castles. We looked at our local community centre - by the time we’d hired furniture, got caterers in, hired a bar or paid for all alcohol and soft drinks (plus figured out how to store/cool them etc), transported everyone from the ceremony venue, hired tablecloths, glasses, crockery etc etc it cost more than a package at a more traditional weddingy venue - and there would be no accommodation and most guests would still have to travel as we don’t all live in the same village

This isn't usually true. It depends how you do it. For our wedding we had it in a hall. Zone 1 London location and it only cost a few hundred pounds. Furniture and crockery already there. Glasses hired for free. Wine bought in bulk for a good price. We hired a professional caterer who knocked up a feast for £7 a head. All in it was very affordable, and a fraction of the cost a wedding venue.

I agree with you op.
Don't get offended if people don't come.
Midweek wedding in the middle of nowhere, I wouldn't go unless it was immediate family. I can't have time off when I please, no matter how much notice I give, I just cant.

Also bear in mind that not everyone marries someone from the same home town (which is just as well for the gene pool, really) so often at least one side of the family will have to travel. Sometimes these 'destinations' are places picked sort of halfway between the two families.

Fair enough if this is the case, but it usually isn't. Bride and groom decide they want to get married in a country house, so choose one in the middle of nowhere.

My favourites are the one who have these hard-to-get-to or destination weddings in the middle of the week or on a bank holiday when prices are high, lay on the bare minimum, demand cash as a gift and then crow to all how 'everyone loved it and said it was the best wedding they'd ever been to'. Or particularly deluded soul went so far as to say that her wedding had been a highlight of some of the guests lives. Still another 'couldn't afford' to get married in the UK so was going to have a not legally recognised wedding in Spain as it was cheaper for the couple. So they were going to expect their guests to fork out to watch a fake wedding abroad.

I was raised (as was my then fiancé, and my friends and relatives of similar age marrying around the same time) that it wasn't just about the couple, it was also the joining of 2 families and that the couple are HOSTS not deities!

Agree with this. When choosing venues and food I considered my guests as well as myself and DH. Why wouldn't you? Of course you can't keep everyone happy, but the vast majority of people invited came, I think only two couldn't make it.

it’s their wedding, the happiest day of their lives

Call me a matrimonial grinch, but I really doubt that very much

My mil is getting married abroad this year and no matter how many times we explain we’re not putting our toddler and other dd through 2 full days of travelling (we would need to drive to airport / waiting time etc) arriving at 1am (limited flights to destination) for one day at a wedding (it’s not somewhere we’d make a holiday out of and is horrendously expensive) she’s so far not accepting it well. (My dh will go out of duty but doesn’t want to as it’s a major hassle and costly).

I think weddings abroad unless you don’t expect people to attend are selfish - you’re basically telling someone where to have their annual holiday.

I think that's why I like Scottish weddings so much, the lack of restrictions in where you can have a wedding ceremony means that the prices are kept reasonably in check due to larger competition as no wedding licences required.

Last wedding I went to, the couple had hired a room in a local (not extortionate) hotel and were married there by registrar. Afterwards, we had champagne and the pictures taken while the room was set up for the meal. After the meal, we went to sit in the bar and lounges while the room was relaid for the evening function. Most people probably travelled within a 20-30 miles circle, and there were plenty of cheap hotels and B&Bs within a short taxi ride though the hotel was reasonable.

The only children was the couple's 2 year old daughter and her cousins - all kept quiet by parents and grandparents.

My cousin did all three andxwas very upset when oy his mum came to ybe wedding. 2 hour ceremony folleded by 90 minutes drive to very posh restaurant in the middle of nowhere is not doable for families...

Surely the issue is the whole getting offended when people come rather than them having the wedding they choose (and pay for)? If I did everything that my mates & some family reckon I should when we eventually get married, i'd have some really happy guests but me & DP would be miserable as sin. Hell no way am I paying for that. Choose the wedding you want, where you want, when you want...then let it go if people can't or won't go

Yy OP, let's be honest here. Most couples getting married in stately homes haven't chosen them because it's equidistant between where their families live. I'm sure it's happened more than zero times, but for the most part people get married in castles in the middle of the countryside etc because they want to. That's all.

Op, going against the grain here and absolutely agree. A wedding is about two families (and group of friends) joining together. If you invite people to come itspolite to make it logistically easy as possible for them to attend.

I think weddings have gone a bit mad though tbh. It’s turned into a situation where it’s all about show, about the bride and groom shouting me me me. Surely you want the people you love there so it’s up to you to make this as easy as possible for them.

Surely the issue is the whole getting offended when people (presumably can’t) come

Indeed. People who hold these diets if weddings claim they never get offended. People who actually have declined them often beg to differ. The account of someone in tears because only 40 out of 150 guests showed is indicative, as are the several stories of friendships being severed.

When we planned our wedding we had it in the place that would be most easily accessible for 99% of our guests and we had a "bring as many kids as possible" theme. We ended up with 280 guests!

*Op, going against the grain here and absolutely agree. A wedding is about two families (and group of friends) joining together. If you invite people to come itspolite to make it logistically easy as possible for them to attend.

I think weddings have gone a bit mad though tbh. It’s turned into a situation where it’s all about show, about the bride and groom shouting me me me. Surely you want the people you love there so it’s up to you to make this as easy as possible for them.*

This summarises how I feel.

If the bride and groom don't want guests, then fair enough, just don't invite them. It's possible to go to the registry office alone and grab a couple of witnesses from the street, or get married in a destination alone. I don't get why anyone would invite guests when you don't want them to be there. Posters have said it's about not offending people, but I don't see how a rediculous invite is less offensive than no invite.

People get offended far too easily. There's a thread on here about a couple who eloped & 8 years later MiL refuses to accept the marriage because nobody was invited 😱

I did all three. Didn't want anyone to come anyway.

We only invited people we wanted there and that we knew could /would come. It was our wedding, no one else's. I really don't care if that's selfish - we had a fantastic day with our closest loved ones. Who wants great aunt Brenda and some bloke DH works with at their wedding anyway, unless they're solely going for numbers?

I just think guests expecting things like free transport is taking it too far. People can also be right miserable fuckers about people's weddings

Exactly Reflectant. It's like on the sit or squat toilet seat threads, where all the squatters have perfect aim, and nobody admits to pissing all over the seat but not bothering to clean it up. Yet we all know the latter exist!