To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

@ReflectentMonatomism
Yes I see that, I don’t think anyone has ever been funny with me for declining an invitation but I do get that there are people who will react like that.

I wanted a smaller affair anyway and would have been happy eloping - my parents are no longer around and and I’m aware that I’ll miss them so much on the day, but was given to understand by siblings and close friends not to mention partner’s family that they would have been really upset by this. So we’re having ‘a do’ as it were, but to me it’s always been a case of ‘this is the way we want to celebrate our marriage, this is the celebration we will enjoy and can afford, we’d love you to be there and will be very grateful and touched if you make the effort to attend, but understand if you can’t make it for whatever reason’. I would hope that’s how most saw it.

I get that ‘kids are huge disturbance’ but I think it’s unreasonable to invite some parents and not their kids!

For example- my cousins wife will have a 5 month of EBF baby at the time of my wedding! All of my cousins family are coming and CW is Italian with no family or friends - 🤔 so who are they supposed to leave the baby with?

Same with my other cousin - all her regular baby sitters will also at my wedding so who is she supposed to leave her toddler with?

Very good explanation Reflectant. If you're doing it on a day when it's cheaper for you, ie midweek, as people are more likely to be off at weekends, unless your guests buck the average in terms of working days then what you're doing is transferring the expense to them. There's nothing particularly dreadful about that, but I think it's kinder all round if we all call that what it is. That way couples understand what the implications of their decisions might be.

Fwiw I've been to non weekend weddings before and taken the annual leave, so I don't oppose it on principle, but I don't know if it would work now I have a school aged child. Easier to embrace the experience and make a trip of it when you've fewer commitments.

And yes, all this shit about the wedding is for the couple only isn't fooling anyone. If people really thought that, aside from those who have genuinely been pressured into it (and I have a lot of sympathy for you if that's the case) then they wouldn't have any guests.

I do sympathise somewhat with people who get married at the age when a lot of their guests have young kids though. DH and I were pretty young so although it wasn't childfree, there just weren't that many there. Now, it would add considerable expense because so many people we know have children, , but so many people we love just couldn't come if children weren't invited. It's a tough one.

Well, you were very unreasonable not to induce labour at 37 weeks, so that you could travel with the newborn to their wedding. wink Shame on you.

His stupid mother actually told him to ring my midwife and ask her to 'bring the baby early'! FFS! Her own grandchild, over a fucking wedding!

BIL told him, 'Can't she just give birth with her mother there or something?!'

WTF? As DH pointed out, 'I don't want to be a 3-hour flight away and not be with her and in case something goes wrong with her or the baby.'

Duh.

I'm surprised they didn't tell me to get an abortion so DH could go to the wedding.

It's like that gal who expected everyone to take the day after her wedding off, some think their wedding is the be all to end all.

BIL told him, 'Can't she just give birth with her mother there or something?!'

I hope that you're saving that one up for when he and his wife have children. Revenge is a dish best served ice cold.

I think you're either a kids at weddings type or you're not. We didn't have kids at ours and my friends with kids were so grateful to have the night off. We've been to about 9 where our kids weren't invited (brilliant) and one with which was a total nightmare.

Having a weekday wedding saved us like £20k. If someone didn’t want to take a day’s leave that fine by me

I dunno, I think it's realistic to think that at least some people at a midweek wedding would take the next day off. Whereas basically nobody whose wife is full term and who also has older DC to look after would think it was reasonable to fly 3 hours away for a jolly! Although saying that, there must be a thread on here where someone's DP has tried doing just that!

The kids thing is hard.

We’re having my nephews and nieces because they’re a big part of our lives and we want them to be part of the day, plus anyone who could have provided childcare will be at the wedding anyway (I’m pretty much the go to babysitter for them and I’m busy that day).

We’ve other friends who will be travelling a fair distance and didn’t feel we could insist they don’t bring their children, but we asked them in a ‘we’re not generally inviting friends’ children but are happy for you to bring yours given that you’re travelling to be here’ type way and in most cases those parents have said it’s easier and less hassle to leave the child/children with grandparents.

For our friends who have children and are more local we’re not inviting children - honestly it’s not the easiest decision and maybe others would draw the line differently but it’s a small venue and we’re already at capacity, and can’t afford to pay for the additional 20-30 kids as I said before. But it’s not been the easiest decision and I’m aware it’s an inconvenience asking people to find childcare- it’s another one where if it’s not doable for people we just have to understand if they can’t make it.

No, because it's their day, not a social for the guests.

I applaud anyone doing what's best for them, especially the mid-weekers, as they are clearly keen to not start their married life in debt and are being practical about saving money.

A lot of people don't like kids at their wedding, which is fair enough too.

There's no onus on a guest to actually attend a wedding, so being invited should be honour enough.

it's their day, not a social for the guests.

So they should elope and get married on their own, then.

so being invited should be honour enough.

Honour? FFS.

I think it's realistic to think that at least some people at a midweek wedding would take the next day off.

Parents and siblings. Maybe best friends for over 20 years.

Nonsense. There can be a massive onus on a guest to attend a wedding if it's someone they're really close to. It's not realistic to think everyone can just refuse their brother's wedding invitation because it's midweek and they'd much rather use the annual leave for something else.

We only ever hear from midweek wedding holders who were fine with people opting out on threads like these. Even assuming they're all being completely truthful and accurate, it's not a representative picture. Nobody ever comes on to tell us that they decided to have their wedding in a rural castle on a Tuesday because that's the only way they could afford it but then threw a shitfit because their cousin couldn't get the annual leave.

One friend who’d been asked to be an usher at one of these “dream day in a castle” weddings said it wasn’t so much an invite as an invoice, he had to fork out £200 for the accommodation chosen by the bride and groom, £100 for suit hire, £300 for the stag weekend, plus all the other costs.

But then you get the 'why didn't you invite us?' whinging from people if you decide not to have guests. Can't win!

I've actually been to a midweek wedding involving taking time off for one of DHs cousins lweji, so nowhere near that level of closeness. And we had to travel too. However, it was on a Thursday and in an area with some things to do, so we decided to book the Thursday and Friday off and make a trip of it. It was also pre kids.

I do think those of us who get married before (and I guess maybe after) the peak age for having young children have it a lot easier.

It's interesting that lots of people say that having a weekday wedding is passing the cost onto guests. This is often true in terms of time off, but a weekend wedding needn't be extortionate.

Personally, as a wedding guests, I couldn't care less how posh the venue.

Couples seem to often get caught up in the 'dream' venue, and neglect to think about their guests.

It's all very well saying 'dont go', but its often expected, and guests want to go.

It's true, weekend weddings can often be had for much cheaper than one might think. An out of season Saturday wedding isn't necessarily going to be more expensive than a Friday in August.

OP I think I could have written this post myself! DH fell out with his best friend as they had the impossible combination of isolated location, weekday and no children. Friend knew we had no one to watch DC and when we raised it as an issue they suggested we 'find someone on the internet'!!! DH was 100% expected to be there, and I wasn't happy leaving our only child with someone we didn't know from an agency for what would have been atleast 24 hours. Have whatever wedding you want but I do think the bride/ groom need to be gratious about people not attending and the potential expense. If we had gone to this wedding the cost would have been about £1k which we could have afforded but I wasn't thrilled about spending as when we let them know it was going to be a little tricky they got angry. Needless to say we (happily) didn't go.

We had a weekday wedding, but it was small and low-key and the only two people who were having to travel were retired. People came after work, we got married and had a nice evening, and everyone was home by 10.

I had a friend who planned a destination wedding, partly because it was so much cheaper. She really wanted her parents and siblings to attend. His side of the family traveled all the time and she was working a high paying job and living the same lifestyle. Her parents were minimum wage workers and her siblings were all students. Actually, her mom wasn’t even working full time because of poor health. None of them could have come up with the travel funds if they saved for 10 years because this was not a cheap holiday. My friend ended up having to pay for all of them to make the trip. She was really annoyed that her wedding was no longer such a bargain.

I've actually been to a midweek wedding involving taking time off for one of DHs cousins lweji, so nowhere near that level of closeness.

That's fine, if it was your choice.
I meant it as on people who I'd expect to go (not that I would impose a mid week wedding on close relatives, unless there was no other way, or I had their enthusiastic agreement).

I love the way people think that the only way weddings are expensive is when selfish bride and grooms insist on ‘dream venues’ and castles. We looked at our local community centre - by the time we’d hired furniture, got caterers in, hired a bar or paid for all alcohol and soft drinks (plus figured out how to store/cool them etc), transported everyone from the ceremony venue, hired tablecloths, glasses, crockery etc etc it cost more than a package at a more traditional weddingy venue - and there would be no accommodation and most guests would still have to travel as we don’t all live in the same village.

As it is we’re still having it in a pub (albeit a naice one) but we’re still buying our whole family and friendship group dinner and drinks. That’s what’s expensive - you can do it in a slightly less fancy hotel but it still costs A LOT to feed and water a large number of people. It can cost less to do so on a Wednesday, which is why people make that choice.

Now that I think of it, I've been to a mid week wedding, but they were considerate enough to make it an afternoon/late afternoon event, they were in a rush to get married (no pregnancy), and the bride literally had no family in the country at the time, so it was only a very small group of friends (less than 6, I think). It also only involved dinner and no travel.

I may just be a people pleaser but if I were inviting more than just close family who I knew absolutely could attend, I would make sure it was as easy as possible for people to attend. I say this because DP and I were invited to a wedding a couple of years ago we just couldn’t attend because it was in the middle of butt fuck nowhere. The only remotely local hotel was the one the actual wedding was being held at and it cost more to stay in for one night than we’d pay for a weekend city break. Fuck that.

You shouldn’t outprice guests. If you actually give a fuck about the people you’re inviting, there has to be an element of consideration.

Sure lweji I didn't mean people were obligated to take time off the next day, just that it seemed more statistically probable that someone would do that than would fly to a wedding when their partner is 39 weeks pregnant! Actually I can deal with Sundays to some extent as it's only one day off, same with Fridays. Monday to Thursday is more the issue, in term time at least.

If you're making the choice to pay for all alcohol alias then of course that's going to make it expensive. But at risk of starting a debate that's been had many times on here before, that's not standard and a lot of the people talking about the cost of weddings won't be doing it. I know I am not the only person who would much prefer a conveniently timed wedding where I have to pay for some/most of my own alcohol than a Wednesday where it's all laid on free.

And yeah, community centres and the like can be a false economy by the time you've hired everything that would be there as standard in a restaurant, hotel etc.