To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

It's only unreasonable if they try to force/pressure people into attending, people should be able to have the wedding they want whilst having the foresight that certain aspects may make it difficult for some of their guests to attend.

But I did feel horribly sorry for my cousin who married on a Sunday.

That's what happens when "your day, your way" meets "it's an invitation, not a summons". She was in tears on her wedding day. The 110 people who didn't fancy travelling on a Sunday night probably barely gave it a second thought. Someone, at some point, should have taken her to one side and said "you can do this, but no-one with children is going to come, almost no-one who has to travel is going to come, you're going to have a lot of empty spaces". Wouldn't that conversation six months in advance have been kinder than discovering reality on the day?

YABU

How couples plan their weddings is absolutely nothing to do with you. They are not planned for your convenience.

If you can't go, or think it's too much expense or hassle, just don't accept the invite.

Bridezillas insisting everyone is capable of paying £500 to stay in their castle venue is BU, but again their wedding, their consequences.

Oh, and one unsupervised, badly behaved kid can completely ruin a wedding.

In my experience, ' no kids' means 9/10 kids that would attend would be fine, but little Archie who's parents think he is a ' free spirit' and ' just a bit boisterous' is a little attention seeking shit and we can't risk him ruining the whole thing, so a blanket ban is in place.

If friends get upset or don't talk to you for declining a wedding invitation (for whatever reason) they were never friends. Better be without people like that.

How couples plan their weddings is absolutely nothing to do with you. They are not planned for your convenience.

In which case, as pp have said, don't bother inviting anyone! Have your perfect wedding all by yourselves without any other pesky human beings to spoil it.

Strange how this tends not to happen, and the 'our day, our way' couples still seem to find the presence of human props essential

Well said @butterparsnips.

Sorry I meant @butteryparsnips

But I did feel horribly sorry for my cousin who married on a Sunday. They had a small group of day guests and invited well over a 150 to the evening party... fully catered and in a naice hotel. There were about 40 guests in total, and the party never got going. The sad sight of huge empty tables was awful. She was in tears over it and there was so much wasted food. I felt so bad

She really had it coming. Not only she snubbed most of her friends from the actual day, as she chose a Sunday night for the party.
Although, if people actually accepted the invitation, it was very poor form not to attend.

But I did feel horribly sorry for my cousin who married on a Sunday. They had a small group of day guests and invited well over a 150 to the evening party... fully catered and in a naice hotel. There were about 40 guests in total, and the party never got going. The sad sight of huge empty tables was awful. She was in tears over it and there was so much wasted food

That's a shame she was upset on her wedding day but honestly, what did she expect? We went to a wedding on a Wednesday last year where the bride was very upset that hardly anyone was drinking or dancing at the reception and by 10pm the place was emptying as people had to get up for work in the morning. She said she had "assumed" most people would book the next day off work too "so that they could enjoy the reception". I felt bad for her that she was upset but equally I thought it was a bit of a cheek when people had already had to take a day off (in my case unpaid) and she completely took it for granted that they would just use another days leave to create the party Saturday night party atmosphere that she wanted but didn't clearly want to pay for.

Yes, it can cause massive family fallout to decline, but if you can't go you can't go! DH's brother chose to have a destination wedding a 3-hour flight away, childfree, for when I was 39 weeks pregnant with our 3rd and we'd just bought a house and had no spare cash. Hit the roof when DH declined. I was pregnant when they announced the wedding so it's not like we conceived to interfere with their wedding. The whole family kept banging on about how there must be some way he could go, tons of guilt trips from his brother claiming he needed his 'wingman' (but would not consider moving the wedding in any way as his wife is that what X wants, X gets type), I could just give birth with a friend there (apparently DH was supposed to have no desire to be with his wife during childbirth) blah blah blah. He told them no, he wasn't going. And he didn't. I gave birth at 40 weeks as it turns out, but again, not something we have control over.

Every now and again BIL will sigh that 'DH wasn't there for the best weekend of our lives' and DH will just tell him to get over it, that his first obligation is to his kids and wife. MIL, too.

Some people are total dicks about their wedding.

Excuse the typos, trying to type and feed wriggly baby.

How couples plan their weddings is absolutely nothing to do with you. They are not planned for your convenience.

People with this mindset really should elope.

We did all three of those things. We also had a small wedding - family and close friends only - and gave about 10 months notice. We also paid for the accommodation. A couple of people couldn’t come and that was absolutely fine. Everyone else had a great time. And we had the wedding we wanted. If you don’t want to or can’t go, don’t! A wedding is for the couple getting married, an invitation is optional...

thebaronetofcockburn

I don't think you'd have been allowed to fly at 39 weeks anyway.

She said she had "assumed" most people would book the next day off work too "so that they could enjoy the reception".

If everyone is on minimum wage, a day off is worth about sixty quid. On the more reasonable assumption that the national median income (28000) is the median of the guests, then a more reasonable figure is £110 (28000 divided by 252 potential working days). If you have a hundred guests and expect them to take a day off, that's eleven grand stood in front of you. If you're saving money by doing it on an awkward day, you're assuming your guests are willing to subsidise you by £110 each. A bride who expects 100 people to take two days off work is asking for a twenty-two grand gift from her guests, £220 each.

Which is fucking unreasonable.

I can understand people not being able to go to a wedding on a weekday, but Is there any reason why most people couldn't/wouldn't attend a wedding on a Sunday?

Or is this weddings that are far away?

“I was raised (as was my then fiancé, and my friends and relatives of similar age marrying around the same time) that it wasn't just about the couple, it was also the joining of 2 families and that the couple are HOSTS not deities!”

I agree with everything you have written @Graphista
OH and I got married way before social media, and when you could only get married in a church or registry office, and not on a Sunday. Our wedding was about celebrating with our nearest and dearest. People are far more important to us than places. The hotel we had the reception in wasn’t the best, but it was walking distance from the church. Most guests had travelled a long way by train, and we couldn’t afford to lay on extra transport so we chose the hotel for its convenience. We are still married 37 years later BTW.

“It's THEIR wedding & they can do whatever they want. If you don't like it or can't go, then don't. Simple.”
“In my opinion the bride and groom should do what works for them. After all they are who the wedding is for.”

I don’t agree. IMO a wedding is a party for the bride and groom and their guests. Anyone who thinks otherwise is selfish.

“Traditionally weddings weren't photo shoots, they were occasions where friends and family got together to celebrate the couple. I would always put friends and family attending above superficial things like venue and meal choice.”

Same here Crips

“DH has over 100 first cousins”

Blimey! How many aunts and uncles does he have?

At the end of the day a wedding is just one day. A marriage is (hopefully) for ever.

but Is there any reason why most people couldn't/wouldn't attend a wedding on a Sunday?

How late are you willing to get home on a Sunday night, assuming you're going to work on Monday morning? 10? 11? So how far away is the wedding? Perhaps an hour? So you're going to leave when, nine? Ten? What time does an evening do start? Seven? Eight? But weddings notoriously run late. So there's a good chance of arriving and then having to leave before it even gets properly started. So why bother going?

Yeah I hadn't thought of all that sorry @reflectant

Ours is on a Sunday, albeit the one right before Christmas so kids off school/ many people finished for Christmas anyway (although of course we could be accused of being equally inconsiderate holding it so close to Christmas- luckily none of the guests we consulted before booking seemed to feel this way and all just said it would be a great way to kick off Christmas celebrations).

Sunday works for our immediate family and close friends, many of whom either don’t work Mondays, are teachers with that particular Monday off, or have enough flex that they can arrange to take the Monday off fairly easily. I know this because I checked with people first. Saturday doesn’t work for my sister, brother or best friend or in fact for me - though I know it’s terribly selfish of a bride to care whether the wedding date is convenient for her

There will no doubt be some other guests who will have to be in work in the Monday or use a day’s annual leave. That is their choice - they can come, not overdo the drink and leave early, they can come and get shitfaced (partly if not entirely at our expense) and go to work hungover, or they can use a day’s annual leave. Or they can not come because it is not convenient for them. They are all valid options and I promise I will not be upset or arsey with anyone for choosing any of them. I won’t be made to feel selfish for making plans that work for us - the couple actually getting married and paying for the whole thing -our budget and the day we both hope for though. Plus to have had a Saturday wedding would have been at least £1500 extra, possibly more, so to afford that we’d have had to invite around 20 less people - so it was invite them on a Sunday or don’t invite them at all.

Seriously, I have travelled the length and breadth of the country and even internationally, taken time off work, arranged transport and accommodation for birthdays, the birth of children, christenings etc, or even just to see and spend time with people who matter to me - and when it hasn’t been possible to do that I’ve sent my love and everyone has got on with their lives. Why is it with weddings that couples are almost seen as selfish for holding the bloody thing in the first place? It’s bizarre. Go or don’t go, it’s one day?

I promise I will not be upset or arsey with anyone for choosing any of them

The key point. You can do whatever you want, provided you don't then hold other people responsible for your choices.

It's when people get arsey over declines that the trouble starts.

I don't think you'd have been allowed to fly at 39 weeks anyway.

Yes, but you'd have thought we conceived him on purpose just to fuck off his brother and his bride from the way they carried on about why DH just wouldn't go. It cause major fallout but well, they wanted to get married where they wanted to on the date they wanted so something had to give.

I can totally understand childfree weddings for the reasons given, though.

I think Sunday is a fine day to hold a wedding. A day... Even if most people don't work the following Monday, many may still do.
In any case, I wouldn't expect the party to last until late evening.
But if you're holding a wedding on a normal Sunday, don't invite guests only to the evening do. Make it more of a day event and I'm sure most people will be happy to attend.

thebaronetofcockburn

Well, you were very unreasonable not to induce labour at 37 weeks, so that you could travel with the newborn to their wedding. Shame on you.