To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

I went to a lot of trouble to avoid all those things, had it on weekend, in the city, children invited. I also gave everyone a plus one and said they could use it for a friend or whoever (none of this no ring no bring bs), and I had no gap at all between the ceremony and reception. Honestly it wasn't appreciated, and now I see friends all having weddings committing all these "crimes" and everyone still comes! So I wish I'd just had the wedding of my dreams and not bothered so much about pleasing everybody.

It's an invitation not a summons, but I do think that some decisions end up communicating 'I care more about how my party looks than who can come'.

Getting married is focus of the day and if people make decisions that are really awkward for lots of guests then part of me thinks they're more bothered about having a picture perfect wedding than being married.

E.g. a rural wedding location might work if most people can get there within an hour. A friend of ours had their wedding in London because they have friends and family all over (including international) and London was a good place for transport links so more people could get there. Child free weddings work well if it's local and people can get a babysitter, but work less well when it requires overnight childcare because the couple selected a venue 3 hours away.

the wedding is not for the guests
Really?
That's the whole point of a wedding. The marrige is for the couple. There is a difference between getting married and a wedding.

Don't expect people to attend just because you want them to. They have lives and obligations that don't necessarily include you, and it's childish and bad grace to throw toys out of the pram because you don't get your way.

The current 'wedding industry' has a lot to answer for, IMO it's encouraged brides' and grooms' expectations into a joke - and all for someone's commercial gain. The fun of a simple heartfelt wedding between two people is all gone

Read the marriage vows to understand what it's really all about, in a sane world.

2) having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)

Not everyone works Mon-Fri though. I have had to decline things because everyone organises for Saturdays and I have to prioritise,

I’m currently planning my wedding (summer 2019) and we immediately took all these things into account!

We knew it would have to be a weekend (oh school holiday) as half the family are teachers 😂 - we opted for a Saturday!

We also never considered banning children- it’s a personal preference but to me it seems odd!

And we wanted a ‘middle of nowhere’ stately home but managed to find one

Having the reception miles away from where you and all your family is based will inconvenience everyone

Well it might have done in times past but both our families are scattered all over the place and its the same for most of our friends.

You will never keep everyone happy, all you can do is try to prioritise attendance of the "essential" guests, and even that doesn't always work.

I'm also totally with PP who said its a wedding, not a photoshoot. The marriage is about the couple, the wedding is about the celebration of that marriage - in both cases its about the people, not the scenery.

I would much rather hand over a wodge of cash to my kids to spend on property or pretty much anything else they need than a gigantic over priced single day which largely lines the pockets of the wedding industry.

I would much rather hand over a wodge of cash to my kids to spend on property or pretty much anything else they need than a gigantic over priced single day

I am endlessly amused by couples who spend tens of thousands on a wedding and then complain about their inability to buy a house.

would always put friends and family attending above superficial things like venue and meal choice

This. The pursuit of a 'stunning venue' as it was put on a recent wedding thread, has been detrimental to weddings in general as it means couples get sucked into paying £££s for somewhere that will only accommodate 20 people, and end up pissing off everyone they know by not inviting most of them because of 'stunning venue's lack of space, and expecting the lucky 20 to fork out for travelling to a mountain village in northern Italy and booking four days' annual leave, all for the privilege of being props at their 'perfect day in a stunning venue'.

I am endlessly amused by couples who spend tens of thousands on a wedding and then complain about their inability to buy a house

I don't see a huge amount of that, but I have seen a lot of my children's generation feeling they need to meet expectations of weddings which come entirely from marketing hype. Some definitely are drawn into spending more than they intended.

I strongly dislike big, bloaty and destination weddings - too much focus on the party and not enough on the marriage. My judgement in this is probably coloured by the fact that some of the most enjoyable weddings I've attended have not been big bloated affairs and some of the shortest lived marriages I've known started with big fancy weddings (including the 50k wedding in Tuscany which lasted precisely 8 months).

@Reflect

🤔 whilst I get your general point I think a ‘people who spend lots on a wedding are silly’ blanket opinion is totally unfair (many people seem to think this)

Your point about people ‘who complain about not being able to buy a house’ spending tens of thousands is SPOT on as it’s all about prioritising - but equally DP and I own our own (lovely) home with 50% equality and a good savings pot too!

We’re mid/late twenties and we want a really good event as we have several elderly/unwell family members for whom this is likely to be the last big event they’ll make it to!

I’m constantly being made to feel bad for spending £25K on a wedding - being told how I could have done it for less and even having it implied that we won’t last as long 🤔

Yes we could pay off ‘more’ of our mortgage and have 60% equity in our home but we want a wedding and we want it how we want it!!!

God knows we both worth hard enough!

DP and I own our own (lovely) home with 50% equity and a good savings pot too!...We’re mid/late twenties

I hope you realise that you are extremely unusual.

@Reflect

I do and I know we are very lucky.

I was brought up very poor (but happy and loved) so trust me - I appreciate every penny and the security it brings! But I don’t get why people are so negative about us spending on a wedding! If we bought a new car or moved to a larger 6-7 bed house (despite not needing one) no one would be as negative!

I understand not spending it if you don’t have it/ priority should be elsewhere - but if you do have it and really want it then what is the harm? Why do so many seem so personally offended?

🤔 When I tell people where we are getting married 9/10 make a comment about the price 🙈

• I actually negotiated a near 30% discount between the venue/caterer and tell people this! But still doesn’t stop the ‘you don’t need a fancy wedding - it’s wasted money’ comments 😒

People can of course have whatever wedding they like but it drives me potty when they then complain that you can't attend. Had that this year with a couple who got married 8 hours drive from us on a weekday in termtime and it was a child free wedding. Only DH could go as I had to stay to work (in a school) and take care of DS. The couple complained about me to others because of it.

Saying that a wedding is for the couple and not the guests is daft, it's like trying to have a birthday party with no guests.

Not sure I agree with that.

For me & DH, our wedding was about us being married, not about a party. We’d have happily gone for a registry office ceremony with 2 witnesses plucked off the street, if close relatives (on both sides) hadn’t made it clear that they’d view this sort of thing as an unforgivable personal insult.

So overall we weren’t too inclined to bend over backwards to accommodate all the extra guests we’d had to add on for reasons of family politics etc (although we did our best to ensure the aforementioned close relatives were okay with planned day / date / location).

And incidentally, we’d have had to have 4 weddings scattered across the UK if we were going to be able to avoid anyone having to travel and do an overnight stay. It’s not always possible to have a wedding in a location that’s convenient for all the guests.

We were fine with people declining if our plans weren’t convenient for them though. Agree with all pp’s who’ve said that if the planned wedding is inconvenient for whatever reason, that the bride and groom should be understanding and accept that gracefully.

We are spending way way under the ‘average’ cost, aiming to keep it under £5k, but I still feel judged by the whole ‘you don’t need to spend that much’ brigade. Or the implication that because we want to have a party and we want it to be nice, with enough food and drink and in a reasonably attractive/comfortable venue we suddenly don’t understand the meaning of marriage, don’t care about our guests and only want a photoshoot.

When we got engaged I was full of all the things we didn’t need, couldn’t be arsed with or could do ourselves. As time goes on I realise that, if I want some nice flowers I can have them, and actually trying to make my own cake whilst working full time right up to the wedding and hosting overseas guests probably won’t work so we’ll buy a bloody cake, which maybe we don’t NEED but we would like. Doesn’t mean I suddenly won’t mean or care about my vows, just that I like cake. There’s a weird, competitive cheapness/ don’t bother attitude about weddings which I find just as pressured as the ‘spend 30k and make it the BESTEST DAY EVER’ industrial complex.

You’re judged either way I think, so providing you can afford it then sod it and do what will make you and your loved ones happy.

The couple complained about me to others because of it.

When people show you who they are, believe them.

I very much keep my distance now don't worry reflect!

t’s not always possible to have a wedding in a location that’s convenient for all the guests.

Of course, but there's quite a difference between something that isn't convenient for everyone, and something that is convenient for almost no-one.

When l got married, my husband was from a town about 7 miles away. So we had the daytime 'do' in my hometown, where we got married, and the evening reception in my husband's home town.
True to form, my mother complained, saying that "people (meaning those from my hometown) will have to travel". l pointed out that the people who attended the daytime (ie, his family) had to travel.
You do the best you can. People can either make it, or they can't.

It's not rude at all IMO. It's entirely up to the couple how they want their day, and nobody else. If it gets harder for people to travel, or take time off work, or get a babysitter, that's the risk you take.

We did all three (sort of, though not to extremes). We only had very close children. Our venue was a little bit out of the way (though not hours away) and we got married on a Thursday.

We only had a small-ish wedding so I knew the people I was inviting were there for US and didn't mind booking a day off work or driving 40 minutes... plus they were given over a years notice.. anyone who deemed it rude / inconvenient I would have preferred them not to bother coming because that just goes to show how much they actually care about us.

Midweek weddings are a lot cheaper, also. I'd rather spend a little extra money on upgrades for my guests (a bit of money behind the bar, drinks on the tables, nicer meals, etc) than to spend a few extra thousand just to have it at the weekend. Catering for my guests who actually bothered to come was my main priority, not trying to appeal to the masses who were only willing to come for the free food.

And the kid thing..... well, I can totally understand why people don't have kids at weddings. I went to an extended family members wedding with a hundred day guests. Around a third of these were children aged around 6 months to 9 years and they totally spoiled the ceremony, photos, meal, cake cutting and first dance. It was absolute BEDLAM - reminiscent of a children's playcentre with how much they ran out shrieking and throwing things. And not one of their parents tried to keep them under control, all too busy getting pissed. Bride ended up in tears because one of the little darlings did a cartwheel in the bar and knocked hubby's pint down her dress. The whole wedding was put on standstill in the middle of the speeches because one of the kids wandered off and had to be tracked down (there was a lake onsite so obviously that was a serious worry). At least 4 kids wailed, fidgeted and yelled throughout the WHOLE ceremony - the vicar, priest, whatever he is had to stop and ask for uiet so many time the service ran over fifteen minutes. The first dance was chaos because kids kept running onto the dancefloor, followed by their drunk parents trying to round them up and was just disastrous. The song had to be restarted twice, by the time they actually got on with it, it was so awkward. I can't imagine forking out all that extra money to invite people's kids to keep them happy and then they let their kids run riot like that.

As a direct result of that wedding I only had 9 children at mine... which was small anyway to be fair, but I'd made my mind up I wasnt going to risk it. Three of those kids were my own. Four were family. Two were my hubby's best friends children. Out of the nine, three behaved pretty poorly all day (my nieces and nephew) and were often very disruptive. It's amazing how much just THREE bored, unruly kids can disrupt a wedding, so I totally get why people don't have them there. I don't take offence whatsoever when mine aren't invited to weddings. Sometimes kids can be fab at weddings and sometimes they're not. It's up to the couple whether they want to take the risk or not. Personally, I didn't. Having seen how sour it can go, I didn't fancy my chances.

Maybe some people don't want wedding guests!

This! You wouldn't throw any other type of party that inconvenienced the majority of your guests so why do it for a wedding?
People often feel obliged to attend weddings even if it means using 1 or 2 days pay, arrange childcare and pay for a hotel. Especially if the happy couple is family.
The day should be about everyone getting together and enjoying the day. Not having a load of stressed, out of pocket guests.
What's the point if only the bride & groom enjoy themselves?

Their wedding, their choice.

But I did feel horribly sorry for my cousin who married on a Sunday. They had a small group of day guests and invited well over a 150 to the evening party... fully catered and in a naice hotel. There were about 40 guests in total, and the party never got going. The sad sight of huge empty tables was awful. She was in tears over it and there was so much wasted food. I felt so bad we ended up staying until 10.30pm but our then young DC had school the next day and I cursed my decision the next morning getting them up

If people are making it hard for people to go, (if the wedding is in an obscure place/or abroad, or it's midweek, or you can't take children;) I just think 'they can't be that arsed about most people attending then.'

Last May, our neighbours had a wedding (on a Saturday,) in the Village Church 10 minutes walk from their house, the reception was in the local pub (for close family, around 20 of them,) and the 'night do' was in the local community centre, within 5 to 15 minutes walk from most people who were invited. 77 people invited, (including 17 children,) and 77 people came.

As a pp said, it's fine to have it on a weekday, in a faraway place, and not allow kids, if you don't piss and moan when most people decline.

Unless it was one of my kids, I would not go to ANY wedding that was more than 30-40 miles away.

Yeah, it IS the bride and groom that the wedding is for, but it's rather selfish to make it difficult for your guests/family to attend. The wedding is about the guests too, and not just the bride and groom.

It's very precious and entitled for a couple act like the wedding is all about THEM - and to hell with anyone else!!!