To think it's polite to not do all of this when planning a wedding

[hibbledibble]

When couples plan a wedding, it seems like often there is little thought given to how easy it will be for guests to attend.

There are three things which can make it difficult for guests to attend a wedding:

1. having it in the middle of nowhere (so guests need to travel, and book one or two nights of accomodation as a minimum)
2. having it on a weekday, especially in the middle of the week (so guests need to use annual leave, or take unpaid leave)
3. not inviting children (childcare costs and logistics)

Doing one or two of the above is forgivable, but aibu for thinking it's really inconsiderate to do all three?

It isn't inconsiderate at all. It is their wedding and if those arrangements don't work for you then don't go.

I will certainly be having a weekday wedding and certainly won't be allowing children. The venue TBC.

It’s up to the couple, it’s their day and they are the ones forking £££ out for it. To be invited is an honour, do your best to make it but if you cant then politely decline, there’s no obligation.

We've got one coming up soon,small family and a refusal would cause no end of a row, but have to stay at expensive venue, losing pay, etc, etc. They've done it to save money for them, but it's going to inconvenience a lot of folk who want to celebrate with them.

We got married in between Xmas and NYE and I didn't realise how difficult it might be for some people because of family stuff they already had on during the period. We just got caught up in the fact most of our more immediate family would be around anyway. We didn't have any people decline but in hindsight we probably didn't make it easy on people.

Then again our hands were forced a bit anyway as we were guilt tripped in to having a big wedding, and we needed to keep it within our means financially. The date did this for us.

I think people are being so disingenuous saying you we'll you can't please everyone well actually you can usually (or at least please most reasonable people). Having the reception miles away from where you and all your family is based will inconvenience everyone (and people close to the bride and groom will feel obliged to attend).

I do think some people have forgotten that it isn't all about them. The comments a poster made above about being hosts not deities chimed with me. Making it easier for people to celebrate and be with you would seem just good manners. And, for most if not all, weekends are easier.

Yes, it often is an issue. Teachers don't generally get to take a day off mid week for a wedding, even with plenty of notice.

All the teachers’ weddings I’ve been to have been midweek -in the school holidays though!

Nothing at all wrong with midweek weddings. Invitations are usually sent out well in advance so a day or two's leave can be booked in plenty of time.

Lots of working parents need to save their annual leave to cover childcare in the school holidays.

Lots of working parents need to save their annual leave to cover childcare in the school holidays.

If you can’t go then don’t go??? Don’t expect someone to plan their big day around YOU!

Completely up to the bride and groom. It's their day, they can do what ever they wish.

Remember no one owes you an invitation. It's an extension of their hospitality.

If you can't make it work, just politely decline.

I'm sure they'll be expecting some declines given their choices, but that's part of the trade off they've chosen.

For one single day, it's about them, not about you.

Yes my friend is planning a wedding next year and is worrying as some people aren't going and some haven't replied. he issues are as you say - it is a mid week wedding and a lot of her friends and family live miles away. some of them are on very low incomes with young children. To go will involve taking annual leave and staying somewhere local. There is no accommodation available at the venue so it will involve all the expense of travelling there, finding somewhere local to stay for one or two nights , taxi fares to accommodation if they can't get a lift and want to have a drink ( many of her relatives don't even drive) .

So much of this is dependent upon individual circumstances. You might have guests who only have 2 kids in total, so will nviting them is no Biggie. OTOH, if lots of guests have children, it becomes much more expensive and changes the dynamic of your party.
If you are shift workers and your friends are too, then again a midweek wedding is fine. But if your mates are teachers and you pick a Thursday in term time, then that won't work!
Key thing for me, is for people to do what suits them (bride and groom and guests) but for b&g not to moan if what they want can't be accommodated by others.

Saying that a wedding is for the couple and not the guests is daft, it's like trying to have a birthday party with no guests.

If a couple want the party atmosphere for their wedding reception, then they need to consider their guests because the guests are what will provide the atmosphere. I've heard of weekday wedding couples being disappointed that all their guests had left by 10 and no one was up dancing, but what do they expect when people have to travel and work the next day? You can't expect to have a big wedding in the middle of the week and think it's going to be the same as if you'd had it on a Saturday. It won't be, it's cheaper for a reason.

Couples needs to think about what theyre actually trying to achieve and then work out how to make it happen without expecting all the expense and inconvenience to fall to their guests.

People do it sometimes to cut down on guests. Or more likely to have the wedding they want and guests can either fit in with their arrangements or can decline the invite. It's not compulsory to attend.

It's not compulsory to attend.

Said someone who's never turned down an invitation to a family wedding on the grounds of cost/complexity/effort involved in getting there.

People who think that brides are "entitled" to the "wedding they want" have a tendency to think the same of the guest list. My experience of declining an invitation - close family, impossible date/location - was not great, and other people on this thread have clearly had similar experiences.

If you can’t go then don’t go??? Don’t expect someone to plan their big day around YOU!

I don't expect anyone to plan their wedding day around me, where did I say that? I'm simply pointing out that midweek weddings, while cheaper for the couple, are difficult for a lot of people. The whole "if you can't go, don't go" thing is massively simplistic. Only on MN is declining a wedding invitation never a big deal. In real life people often get very upset about these things, particularly if it's family.

We got married because we wanted to be married. If we'd wanted to throw a big party, accessible to everyone we knew, we'd have arranged a party.

We'd considered grabbing 2 witnesses off the street outside and having no guests but in the end we thought both surviving elderly parents had the right to know, despite us knowing that neither would be able to attend. So we 'went public' and had about invited 8 guests.

We had a no children wedding (except our own DD), got married at a place with no accomodation on site and limited parking.

We put this all on the invite so people were aware and made their own arrangements. As adults, I'm sure people are capable of planning a journey and finding a hotel, if not, then don't accept the invitation.

We were fine about those who didn't come as it was there choice. We had one person not want to leave their baby 5mins up the road with a babysitter while one came from Canada leaving her baby there with friends. It really is down to them but I wasn't angry at my friend for her choice.

I get really pissed off with PP who think most people would make the effort and even have fun . Most people really might not have an overnight stay in their budget even with a years notice.
My wedding was all about making it easy for our guests as you know I wanted people to come

I love the idea of a really old fashioned wedding where the couple and family are from the same village and everyone walks to the church they actually attend. Then everyone goes to the brides Mother's house for sandwiches and sausage rolls and a sing song around the old Joanna. Plus the dress made from the parachute silk of a downed airman and passed around the family after.

If we'd wanted to throw a big party, accessible to everyone we knew, we'd have arranged a party.

Which is absolutely fine (there were about ten people at our wedding, for similar reasons).

However, what is not fine is saying "our wedding, our way" and then getting upset when people say they can't/won't come.

I can't find it to link to, but there was a thread I read on I think Reddit about someone who had organised a wedding which had substantial logistic challenges, and was now very distressed that every bridesmaid had dropped out, and 90% of the guests had declined their invitations. Which in MN land is just "it's an invitation, not a summons", right? She seemed quite upset, and also completely lacking in insight.

YABU - it’s their wedding, the happiest day of their lives, they’re paying for it so they can have it where, when, who & how they want. It’s not about you at all.

There's too much guff about what a wedding 'should' be. Given that people's circumstances vary, I think it's up to the couple getting married to have the wedding that suits them best. Some will want a childfree wedding, for instance, because nearly all the people they are close to either have no DC or have plenty of babysitting available; they don't want to have to accommodate some third cousin's toddlers. People work different hours in different jobs, and there are plenty who would find a midweek wedding easier to attend than a Saturday one. And some people, as PP have said, will have an 'awkward' wedding as it means they can escape some people who they would rather not have there, without causing too much offence.

I must say the midweek weddings are getting more and more common. It's entirely understandable but it is becoming a pain in the arse in terms of annual leave. We were jokingly thinking of sending out an all-family message asking if we need to hold back annual leave for anyone this year.

I was actually more irritated at being invited to a Sunday evening reception which, given the distance, would still mean taking a day off on the Monday, hotel accommodation etc. and not even getting to attend the wedding ceremony itself (not in a church so we couldn't just rock up). We've had to decline that one.

We’re planning a wedding for next December, it’s on a Sunday and very close to Christmas. I did worry about it being inconvenient for people, but checked with the guests that I absolutely couldn’t imagine not being there beforehand booking and they were all happy with the date. If others can’t make it it’ll be sad but we accepted when we chose the date that it might make it difficult for some and that we’d accept that.

Our venue is probably a bit ‘middle of nowhere’ to some in that it’s quite rural. It’s 30 mins drive from our home, more like 45 mins to an hour for most guests and obviously longer for those of our friends/family who live at the other end of the country/abroad of which there are quite a few. The venue has some accommodation which is pretty reasonable (cheaper than the local travelodge for comparisons sake) and there are other options nearby at a range of price points. We are looking into providing minibus/coach from the town where most guests will be travelling from but it won’t cover everyone. Ultimately wherever we held the wedding there would be travelling involved for a good proportion of the guests so we had to pick what worked for us and do what we can to make it accessible to all invited.

My nieces and nephews are invited but we won’t be inviting other children, because if we did there would be almost as many children as adults there and the venue simply doesn’t have the room/facilities and we’d don’t have the funds to feed an additional 30 children. We did suggest to those travelling further that we would invite their children if it made things easier but luckily they do all have family childcare options close by which they prefer to use so as to have a ‘childfree’ weekend, but if that wasn’t the case we’d have thought again. We could have had a different wedding that would have been more ‘child-friendly’ I guess, but it wasn’t the sort of celebration we wanted. Again, it will be a shame if this means people feel unable to attend but it is what it is and there will be no hard feelings if people decline the invitation.

I’ve tied myself in knots over this - should we offer to pay for babysitters? Can we afford transport to take people not staying over home? Should we change the date even though it was the only date at our chosen venue that worked for us etc etc etc. Ultimately we’re throwing a party, buying people dinner and a few drinks and if they want to attend then great. If for whatever reason it’s not possible/desirable for them to attend then they can decline the invitation. If that's impolite of us then so be it.