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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "no ring, no bring" rule should not extend to long-term partners

152 replies

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 00:04

Asking just out of idle interest, following a discussion with an old friend at the NYE party.
She's in a loving and committed relationship with her partner for around five or six years now, they have a young child, live together in a jointly owned property, run a business together. They are not officially married, and (I just guess, from knowing her and her views on the topic) have no intention to marry.

However, she was not invited to her DP's mother's wedding ceremony because she is not officially a "wife" or a "fiancée". She is a bit Hmm as she always thought that they are getting along well, and now it somehow feels she's not good enough (even though she's not into weddings herself). MIL insists it is just a balancing exercise of "drawing a line somewhere", and that they will be happy to see her at the evening reception.

I heard of the "no ring, no bring" rule, but I have never thought it applied to firmly established couples. In your opinion - ok or not ok?

OP posts:
Thetigerwhocameto · 02/01/2019 00:06

Is the young child invited to said wedding? I’d think If partner and child are invited it’d be weird not to invite her!

Bluelady · 02/01/2019 00:06

It's what it says on the tin. Everyone has the right to decide who they invite to their wedding.

Singlebutmarried · 02/01/2019 00:07

Long term committed partners should be invited. You don’t get much more committed than child, house and business.

I can understand for new relationships, but personally I’d issue a +1 for all single guests anyway (providing finances and space not an issue)

ChanklyBore · 02/01/2019 00:07

They are being dicks.

I have never heard of such a rule. But only a small minority of people in my life are married - and of those, few wear rings or advertise the fact. Those that do are usually older than I.

If I can avoid weddings by not getting married myself, that s bonus I suppose.

Bu really, they are being dicks.

Original poster
silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 00:07

Is the young child invited to said wedding?
No, I also asked this, it is planned as a child free wedding.

OP posts:
Sportsnight · 02/01/2019 00:08

Absolutely not okay. I’d rethink my relationship with the MIL in that instance. I can’t imagine my DH putting up with the slight either.

TwoLads · 02/01/2019 00:08

MIL is an arsehole

Childrenofthesun · 02/01/2019 00:09

How bizarre. I have been with my DP nearly 20 years and have been invited to weddings etc with him since about 6 months after we met. I can't imagine anyone who wouldn't invite us together simply because we aren't married. How old-fashioned.

Andallwaswell · 02/01/2019 00:11

DPs family have this weird rule too and it annoys the hell out of me. I was invited to a recent family wedding and they made such a fuss like I should be grateful to the bride and groom for the invite because me and DP aren’t married (we have been together longer than the couple marrying!).

shirleyschmidt · 02/01/2019 00:11

In the situation you describe that is mega weird. It's not some random mate of the DP, it's his mum - you'd think she'd want her son to have his partner there if it's what he wants, and after a few years and a child she probably knows the "DIL" about as well as anyone else she's inviting! Seems very mean. She must not like her.

shirleyschmidt · 02/01/2019 00:12

As regards the "rule", I think it can definitely be applied depending on the longevity of the couple. This is not one of those times!

TheNewYear · 02/01/2019 00:12

I wouldn’t follow the rule as I would consider any established partner of a friend or family member to be welcome. However, “no ring, no bring” is all about the traditional view that only the husband or wife (or intended) are invited. I think it is outdated now but many people do still have much more traditional views.

Cranky17 · 02/01/2019 00:13

I think it’s nasty and spiteful, however mil can do what she likes however these things don’t happen in isolation and it will have knock on effect to the relationship and ultimately the relationship with her son and grandson son. Fairly short sighted of the mil.
I hop me for your friends sake the dh turned the invite down

MrsTerryPratcett · 02/01/2019 00:14

They have a child together. That lasts a lot longer than a lot of marriages.

I hope she doesn't buy MIL presents, cook for her, invite her places, facilitate her relationship with DGC because those are wifely duties clearly. Hmm

PrettyLovely1 · 02/01/2019 00:18

Mil sounds nasty, I would recommend your friend doesnt marry a man weak enough to let his mother treat her like that.

Also never heard of this rule and think it sounds like a load of bollocks.Smile

Original poster
silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 00:20

I hope she doesn't buy MIL presents, cook for her, invite her places, facilitate her relationship with DGC because those are wifely duties clearly.
So true Grin. I'll tell her this next time!

OP posts:
Cherrysherbet · 02/01/2019 00:20

Really not ok.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/01/2019 00:27

Mil sounds both spiteful and stupid.

Jamiefraserskilt · 02/01/2019 00:29

Wow. They are a settled couple with a child and she does not see her as a family member? This is not ok. It is none of her business what their reasoning is on the subject of marriage. This is disrespectful to her son, rude to your friend and nothing whatsoever to do with drawing a line somewhere.
In their position, I would be refusing the invite. They are a family unit and it is both or nothing. If he is not up for that, he needs to have a serious look at his priorities and make a stand for his family unit.
How disgustingly vile of her.

Dreamscomingtrue · 02/01/2019 00:31

Maybe as its a child free wedding it’s easier to not invite the adult rather than Say that her grandson’s not welcome. Does seem very strange behaviour and doesn’t bode well for future relations between the women. If someone did that to me i’d Spend future years resenting her and not being very cooperative.

Johnnycomelately1 · 02/01/2019 00:31

That's extremely odd behaviour. She's basically not inviting her DIL to her wedding.

Also, whilst we kind of did "no ring no bring" (no nameless plus ones/ no very new gf/bf who we didn't know) I would have counted this relationship on a par with married friends.

Stormy76 · 02/01/2019 00:37

That is not ok and her DP should be speaking to his DM about it. They are in a committed relationship with a child but she can't go to the wedding with the rest of the family because of a piece of paper. So rude.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 02/01/2019 00:44

I have been with DP for 29 years without being married.

When we had been together about 10 years DH's old bachelor uncle died. I was a SAHM at the time and Uncle used to pop in our house practically every day to see the kids and have a quick chat. He was a lovely shy gentle man who was probably gay and had been henpecked by various family members all his life. We got on very well.

Anyway at the funeral his bossy sister decreed I could not go in the family car or sit by the family in church because I was not officially family, even though I saw more of him than any of them. I sat on my own at the back of the church and bawled my eyes out. (The church was full of uncle's drinking buddies who probably wondered who the hell I was: long lost daughter, secret younger lover?)

DH, who had not made a fuss about it all because everyone was grieving, went postal when he came out of church and I was standing alone crying. Insisted I got in the family car to the grave. Horrid aunt was fuming.

We later discovered that (despite appearing to not have a penny) he had left us quite a bit of money and none to horrid aunt.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 02/01/2019 00:57

Is the young child invited to said wedding?
No, I also asked this, it is planned as a child free wedding.

Hmm, are the non-blood spouses of other family members with young (or any) children invited?

Could this be her appallingly-handled way of saying 'No children, Adult blood-relatives to come, non-blood spouses/partners not invited as assumed/expected to be staying at home to look after children instead of coming' ?

Sashkin · 02/01/2019 01:15

I find it even weirder that she hasn’t invited her own grandchild tbh. I’ve read enough mental DIL/MIL stories on here that her excluding OP doesn’t surprise me (though it is a shitty thing to do and I would dial back my relationship with her accordingly). But excluding your child as well makes her sound like a really nasty piece of work.