Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "no ring, no bring" rule should not extend to long-term partners

152 replies

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 00:04

Asking just out of idle interest, following a discussion with an old friend at the NYE party.
She's in a loving and committed relationship with her partner for around five or six years now, they have a young child, live together in a jointly owned property, run a business together. They are not officially married, and (I just guess, from knowing her and her views on the topic) have no intention to marry.

However, she was not invited to her DP's mother's wedding ceremony because she is not officially a "wife" or a "fiancée". She is a bit Hmm as she always thought that they are getting along well, and now it somehow feels she's not good enough (even though she's not into weddings herself). MIL insists it is just a balancing exercise of "drawing a line somewhere", and that they will be happy to see her at the evening reception.

I heard of the "no ring, no bring" rule, but I have never thought it applied to firmly established couples. In your opinion - ok or not ok?

OP posts:
Gth1234 · 02/01/2019 03:50

I know it's old fashioned, but marriage means something to some people.

StoppinBy · 02/01/2019 04:09

Is your friend's partner going to refuse his invitation?

I personally think he should and should also explain why he has done so.

How terrible, no doubt these people sit round a table together for special occasions, how awkward will that be from now on, whether your friend gets an 'afterthought invite' now or not.

Armchairanarchist · 02/01/2019 04:22

I have an aunt who would be the same. Marriage means something to a lot of the older generation. Her DD wasn't allowed to share a bedroom with her partner when they visited, despite living for many years.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/01/2019 04:27

How awful. That’s her put in her place. If it happened to me, there’d be no coming back from that.

KC225 · 02/01/2019 04:27

Wow. That is a shocker. And I defended the Uncle in the step children not invited to the wedding thread.

I hadn't heard of 'no ring, no bring' until Pippa Middleton used it as a reason not to invite Vogue (Spencer's girlfriend) to her wedding. I agree with the poster above, if the couple are long term partners with children then they must be the exception, surely.

I would take this as a massive snub. What is the MIL thinking? Clearly not ahead.

pissedonatrain · 02/01/2019 04:40

I hope he turns down the invitation.

I was treated like that by inlaws. Had been with DP at the time for 6 years and had a DC. I was even told to stand aside in family photos as I wasn't family. As soon as we got married, all of a sudden I was "worthy". I just continued to snub them as they snubbed me and never forgave them.

floribunda18 · 02/01/2019 04:52

I was the first one of my school friends to get married, and all of our friends were invited with their partners, funnily enough. In terms of two of the couples, they couldn't have actually been married anyway as gay marriage was not then possible.

brookshelley · 02/01/2019 04:54

I know it's old fashioned, but marriage means something to some people.

Hope the DPs mum was widowed then, or else if she’s getting married now she’s either divorced, had a child with an unmarried partner.

Ethel80 · 02/01/2019 04:58

It's a shit and outdated rule and actually until now the only time I've heard it used is for big society weddings when I've been ready trashy gossip magazines.

I've got friends who have been together nearly 20 years, own a house and have a child together. Their relationship is no less valid because they're not married.

Sounds like a spiteful rule, maybe the MIL just doesn't like her.

Shoxfordian · 02/01/2019 06:27

No that's really rude
Do they generally get on ok with each other? Her dp should be insisting she's invited to it all

whatswithtodaytoday · 02/01/2019 06:34

Never heard of it before, it's completely mad and seriously nasty. Why are people so weird?!

NameChange457 · 02/01/2019 06:42

How many guests will there be at the wedding? Literally just the couple getting married and two witnesses/ their bio children, ok. Pretty much any more than that, not ok.

Still not ok, but is it possible it’s not really about your friend? That there’s another unmarried partner that they actively want to exclude and the easiest way to do it, without specifically singling them out is to implement the rule and your friend is collateral damage?

Perfectly1mperfect · 02/01/2019 06:42

Madness. In our case DP would refuse to go as well, although it wouldn't happen as MIL isn't crazy!

I'd be really hurt and would struggle to have any sort of relationship with MIL. Something tells me that there are issues there already though for her to exclude her sons partner of so many years.

Jcsp · 02/01/2019 06:53

What a brilliant way to cause lasting upset amongst family and friends.

We all have ideas and solutions to problems and situations.

The wise amongst us don’t let the dafter and damaging thoughts exit our brains via our mouths.

PeaQiwiComHequo · 02/01/2019 07:11

the not-exactly-MIL is doing this deliberately not as a snub but as a cack-handed attempt to influence her son and get him to marry his partner. it's nasty but she may feel she is doing him a favour by demonstrating that the lack of a ring has consequences.

IMO he should turn the tables on her and refuse to go without his partner.

ReanimatedSGB · 02/01/2019 07:19

I think you might be on to something there @PeaQiwiComHequo. Maybe the MIL thinks that the friend is (like all vagina-owners) desperate to marry and the son is stringing her along, taking advantage, etc and wants to force his hand.
Of course, she could just be a narrow-minded old cow, though.

FWIW I am not even in a couple-relationship with my DS' Dad but his mum treats me as part of the family (we are amicable co-parents) to the extent of taking me on holiday.

Deathraystare · 02/01/2019 07:25

So she is not invited because she is not married, well should the same not apply to her partner then (Mil's son)????!!

Original poster
silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 07:29

Wow, thanks everyone for replies. When I hear a story of someone doing some batshit crazy stuff, I will admit to playing silently the devil's advocate in my mind, trying to invent a constellation of circumstances when it was actually the right and honourable thing to do. I also came up with explanations like this:

That there’s another unmarried partner that they actively want to exclude and the easiest way to do it, without specifically singling them out is to implement the rule and your friend is collateral damage?

and this:

the not-exactly-MIL is doing this deliberately not as a snub but as a cack-handed attempt to influence her son and get him to marry his partner.

To answer the questions - I think there's a blanket ban on all children at the wedding, not only her grandchild.

MIL was always nice and pleasant, at least my friend did not have a poor word to say about her before. I don't know whether she is divorced or widowed, but she is marrying a long-term partner too.

We did not discuss what she / her DP are going to do, but yes, I assume they are not going.

OP posts:
PristineCondition · 02/01/2019 07:37

Your not good enough for her wedding.
Someone who valued me so little wouldn’t be seeing my kid.

starzig · 02/01/2019 07:57

This is just weird. They have every right to invite who they want. But if one of my close family members didn't invite my partner, I wouldn't go.

CountFosco · 02/01/2019 08:09

I know it's old fashioned, but marriage means something to some people.

My friend had a brief marriage in her 20s that ended disasterously (she should never have married him) and now is with her DP of 20 years and they have 3DC. I know which relationship I think is more meaningful and it's the happy one with children, not the unhappy one with a ring.

Bitlost · 02/01/2019 08:10

There should be a rule that says thay getting married doesn’t give anyone the right to be a twat.

CantWaitToRetire · 02/01/2019 08:12

What a strange thing to do and I agree, it will not do wonders for the relationship going forward. I’d be very disappointed if my DP didn’t make a stand and insist I was invited or refuse his own invitation. Otherwise I’d be inviting her to less events involving the DGC because, well, she’s not a proper MIL is she as they’re not married Grin.

Feb2018mumma · 02/01/2019 08:12

I think couples with children are more stable than couples who are married! Kids make things so much harder and if you can stay together through that then you might as well be married! I invited my friends fiance to my wedding and they are broken up, he is in ALL photos and all getting ready groom photos! Another couple also broke up but he's only in a few photos! Very annoying!

pickledparsnip · 02/01/2019 08:14

I think it's bollocks. I'm mid 30s, and most of my friends are in long term relationships, but not married.