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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that "no ring, no bring" rule should not extend to long-term partners

152 replies

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 00:04

Asking just out of idle interest, following a discussion with an old friend at the NYE party.
She's in a loving and committed relationship with her partner for around five or six years now, they have a young child, live together in a jointly owned property, run a business together. They are not officially married, and (I just guess, from knowing her and her views on the topic) have no intention to marry.

However, she was not invited to her DP's mother's wedding ceremony because she is not officially a "wife" or a "fiancée". She is a bit Hmm as she always thought that they are getting along well, and now it somehow feels she's not good enough (even though she's not into weddings herself). MIL insists it is just a balancing exercise of "drawing a line somewhere", and that they will be happy to see her at the evening reception.

I heard of the "no ring, no bring" rule, but I have never thought it applied to firmly established couples. In your opinion - ok or not ok?

OP posts:
Alwayscheerful · 02/01/2019 08:15

A Windsor rule! I think Eugenie used it too!

to think that "no ring, no bring" rule should not extend to long-term partners
BeardedMum · 02/01/2019 08:19

MIL is bonkers and I hope your friend’s DP refuses to go to the wedding.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 02/01/2019 08:20

I know it's old fashioned, but marriage means something to some people

What a strange comment. Marriage means a lot to me. Doesn't mean I wouldn't invite a long-term partner to wedding.

iseecabbages · 02/01/2019 08:24

If the majority of mil friends and family are married then it sounds like she’s looked for a reason exclude your friend.
It also did cross my mind that mil is trying to force them into martiage.
Not inviting your sons long time partner and mother to your grandchild seems spectacularly mean spirited either way.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 02/01/2019 08:27

I think it's very rude.

I understand that a line needs to be drawn somewhere in terms of inviting guests, but if you are excluding one half of unmarried couples who are in a committed long-term relationship then it just smacks of being judgemental, cowardly and cheap.

IME it's also massively hypocritical. The last wedding in my circle that had this rule, was for a B&G who were living together already.

Bluelonerose · 02/01/2019 08:30

I would stage a proposal the night before the wedding. See what mil would do then.

thefinn · 02/01/2019 08:33

I hate that kind of thing :( Judgemental and rude.

LostInShoebiz · 02/01/2019 08:37

Houses and spouses is a slightly more modern modification on no ring no bring. It seems to be popular in my circle.

HopeGarden · 02/01/2019 08:40

Sounds like MIL doesn’t like her much!

I can understand this sort of rule being applied to a girlfriend of a couple of months.

But for a girlfriend who is a son’s long term partner, who owns a house and business with the son, and is the mother of the bride’s grandchild? Thats not some sort of short term fling on the son’s part. That’s a massive, massive snub. And massively shortsighted. This can only be damaging to relationships between MIL and her son, unofficial DIL & grandchild.

Singlenotsingle · 02/01/2019 08:41

I've been with dp for 16 years, living together for 14. If he was invited to a wedding without me, he just wouldn't go.

Sausagerollers · 02/01/2019 08:45

I think the lack of invite is unfair in this scenario, but you did say that you think your friend has no plans to ever marry, is that part of some strong-held belief against marriagr?

I once went to an engagement party where a non-married couple spent much of the evening stating how marriage was out-dated & unnecessary etc, but then got very upset when they weren't invited to the wedding.

The bride & groom explained that they only wanted people there who believed in marriage at their wedding. The friendship didn't survive that.

In that instance though, I was on the side of the B&G, as you wouldn't want guests at your wedding to be slagging off the whole concept of marriage (not saying this is what the OP's friend would do, but there could be more to this story).

WrithingHomeForChristmas · 02/01/2019 08:45

She's definitely being a dick.

LostInShoebiz · 02/01/2019 08:46

For those saying they wouldn’t attend without a partner, is this for all weddings or only family weddings? I wouldn’t expect to have a partner invited to, say, a work colleague’s wedding.

UniversalAunt · 02/01/2019 08:48

I hadn't heard of 'no ring, no bring' until Pippa Middleton used it as a reason not to invite Vogue (Spencer's girlfriend) to her wedding.

Same here. I am somewhat ancient so I am unconvinced about any traditionalism. My impression is that is a piss-poor (OK, misguided) attempt at keeping up with the Middles.

To exclude the women who is son’s beloved & also mother of grandchild is a massive faux-pas. Nothing smart or swanky about this.

I take this MIL’s lack of respect towards yr friend as quite serious, & as far as the relationship between them, gloves are off & diplomatic relationship is down - so a polite decline to evening event or loose it in the post IYSWIM.

How the son manages this situation is down to him.

I bet yr friend is more than a bit miffed.
I’d be bloody indignant & quick to point out that I had incubated (!) MiL’s DNA - obvs via son’s sperm - to produce beloved child. So, who is not good enough, eh?????

haloumi · 02/01/2019 08:52

My guess is, The MIL doesn't like your friend.

I'd cut her off, tell her partner to grow some bollocks and cut her off too ... .They sound happy enough without people like that around them.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 02/01/2019 08:54

I think couples with children are more stable than couples who are married! Kids make things so much harder and if you can stay together through that then you might as well be married!

They aren't. The stats don't bear you out on that one. And having a child with someone isn't a commitment to that person. It's a commitment to the child.

However no OP, YANBU. I would be very hurt by this if I were your friend. In your friend's shoes I would be expecting my DP to raise the subject with his mother. And it's really not for her to assume no invitation is necessary because the DP will be with her child: childcare may well be forthcoming.

Sexnotgender · 02/01/2019 08:56

She's an arse, what a way to cause long term bad feeling!

Any long term committed relationship should be respected, not everyone wants to get married.

UniversalAunt · 02/01/2019 08:57

Hmm, pp’s Cutting above says it is a Windsor thing.
Given that Windsor marriages veer towards state occasions with rules about hierarchy etc, then some formality is part of the whole event.

But for mere mortals like the MiL, NRNB does seem very heavy handed & misdirected.

Huntawaymama · 02/01/2019 08:59

I hate this. Some people will do anything to feel superior. When planning our wedding my husband suggested this as he thought it was a rule but I was livid. Just because we are married and they are not does not mean they love each other less.

Although my SIL took great offence when I didn't want her BF of 7m in every family photo (he was in some!) As she felt like we were leaving him out and she loved him...2 years later and they've been split a while now

Juells · 02/01/2019 09:00

Sounds like it's just a way for the MiL not to invite her. Even if you had a general rule like that for a wedding only someone very odd would apply it to the long-term partner of their son.

TheBigBangRocks · 02/01/2019 09:07

I've seen this used before where it was a very small wedding. Only spouses, not bf/gfs invited. No different really than excluding children, extended family etc.

Shitmewithyourrhythmstick · 02/01/2019 09:13

I think not inviting your child's long term partner with whom they have a child is different to not inviting extended family, tbh.

Hopoindown31 · 02/01/2019 09:15

Very rude and disrespectful. Her DP should be having a word with mumsy.

madcatladyforever · 02/01/2019 09:16

How utterly absurd, they have a child together for goodness sake which to me is the same as being married.
I call my sons partner my daughter in law as they've been together for 8 years and own a property together. A piece of paper make no difference to their relationship.

kenandbarbie · 02/01/2019 09:28

Well they can have that rule if they want but they might end up with a very lonely life in future as the uninvited don't bother with them.