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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think that "no ring, no bring" rule should not extend to long-term partners

152 replies

silvercuckoo · 02/01/2019 00:04

Asking just out of idle interest, following a discussion with an old friend at the NYE party.
She's in a loving and committed relationship with her partner for around five or six years now, they have a young child, live together in a jointly owned property, run a business together. They are not officially married, and (I just guess, from knowing her and her views on the topic) have no intention to marry.

However, she was not invited to her DP's mother's wedding ceremony because she is not officially a "wife" or a "fiancée". She is a bit Hmm as she always thought that they are getting along well, and now it somehow feels she's not good enough (even though she's not into weddings herself). MIL insists it is just a balancing exercise of "drawing a line somewhere", and that they will be happy to see her at the evening reception.

I heard of the "no ring, no bring" rule, but I have never thought it applied to firmly established couples. In your opinion - ok or not ok?

OP posts:
Ragwort · 03/01/2019 20:44

Good point Wits - I wonder why it would bother someone so much?

I am married but have got to the age when I absolutely loathe weddings (calculated that well over half the weddings I have been to have ended in divorce, including my first Grin), I very rarely accept wedding invitations now, just send a polite 'regret'.

Kateguide · 03/01/2019 21:00

I think she is being vile not inviting the long term partner of her son - who is also his business partner and mother to their children. Simply awful.
I am still annoyed when my FIL didn't invite me to his 70th birthday meal /party. He just invited his children, no wives or grandchildren. It felt (and still feels) that he doesn't accept us as part of the family

EKGEMS · 03/01/2019 21:01

My BIL was sick in hospital with a rare autoimmune disease which caused his organs to shutdown and we were gathered at the hospital waiting room and when it appeared he was going to pass away right then my MIL cane out and told us to come and say goodbye but my BIL and myself were excluded as we weren't "Real blood family" Was never discussed with us before and we both were shocked and devastated to be excluded. My husband never said a word to our SIL and I'll never forgive him or her-got into an argument right then and there in the waiting room. She's managed to alienate any and everyone who was close to her for the past 17 years (siblings,parents,former friends and coworkers)

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 21:04

It's what it says on the tin. Everyone has the right to decide who they invite to their wedding.

Yes and if the invite list is unkind/unfair/weird everyone has a right to be annoyed by it and re-evaluate their relationship with the bride/groom.

I seriously never get why people make this comment. Yes of course you have that right - no one is suggesting that anyone forcibly enters a wedding ceremony where they're not invited but you can't just invite who you want and expect there to be no consequences for that or for no one to have an opinion. How naive can you be?

CripsSandwiches · 03/01/2019 21:06

I wonder why it would bother someone so much?

Oh come on! It would bother almost anyone because it is a very clear demonstration that you're not considered part of the family.

MummyAng · 03/01/2019 21:38

Totally agree crispssandwiches, she isn’t considered part of the family.
I remember at my BIL’s wedding, the bride called all family into the big family photo - by name, except me, who was left standing on my own... I had been with my now husband for probably 5 years... I was fuming!! Not that I let it bother me 🙄😂

I think I would ask the boyfriend to speak with his mum and either go as a family or not go at all... but it’s easy for me to say as I’m not in the position...

Deidre21 · 03/01/2019 21:54

Pissedonatrain - what arseholes they are

BrightYellowDaffodil · 03/01/2019 21:58

I totally agree that people should be able to invite whom they want to their own wedding, but "No ring no bring" sits somewhere between rude, outdated and naff. Marriage may well convey some benefits but I wasn't aware that social invitations (or lack thereof) were one of them.

"No you can't come, you're an unmarried woman". The 50s called, they want their attitudes back. That's the 1750s, by the way.

Mind you, as someone who was once invited to a wedding but told I could ONLY attend if I brought a partner (bride didn't seem to care who, just as long as I made up the numbers - I was tempted to bring one of the crackheads from down the road), and whose own partner stopped me sitting next to him at his sibling's wedding "because you're not family" (we'd been together for three years, I knew his sibling well and the 'family pew' was half empty), I have long since stopped being amazed at the truly batshit behaviour that nuptials can bring about!

toxic44 · 03/01/2019 22:01

This happened to me, too. It says very clearly they don't approve of the relationship or of you, at least, that is how I read it at the time. Okay. They are entitled to their opinions but I haven't been in any great hurry to do the shopping and the tidying up for them as I had frequently done. Drawing the line? Yes, we can all do that. I draw the line at judgmental grabbers.

FeeLock28 · 03/01/2019 22:01

I think a 'no ring, no bring' concept is incredibly spiteful and immature. It smacks to me of trying to find any means possible not to include someone for the sheer power of being able to do so, quite apart from the whole idea being pretty much nullified by equality legislation.

moredoll · 03/01/2019 22:07

I think she is being vile not inviting the long term partner of her son - who is also his business partner and mother to their children. Simply awful.

^This.

I wouldn't want to go to any gathering with people who subscribe to something as cretinous as 'no ring, no bring.'

FairyMoppings · 03/01/2019 23:31

An outdated stance on deciding who to invite/not to invite to a wedding.

She's the longterm committed partner to her son (in every sense of marriage except for the official marriage certificate0 and mother to her grandchild. This isn't the bloody 40's any more.

If this were us, my DH absolutely would not attend without me.

Claudia1980 · 03/01/2019 23:36

That is really mean of the MIL.

Propertywoe · 04/01/2019 00:01

I have known this but they invited both members of the long term partnerships in their own right. If it is purely that they only want guests who believe in marriage then neither would get an invite.

Stompythedinosaur · 04/01/2019 00:47

I agree with pp that the mil doesn't like or approve of your friend.

I think she is being very rude.

Mummblebee · 04/01/2019 01:23

I hope she doesn't buy MIL presents, cook for her, invite her places, facilitate her relationship with DGC because those are wifely duties clearly. hmm

  • This. F* her.
Maisymoo22 · 04/01/2019 10:44

Never heard of the no ring thing either,but surely op your friend would be classed as a fiancé!
Are no fiancé’s of other invitees going?

Nomorechickens · 04/01/2019 14:41

When DD got married she invited DS's on-off DP (not living together, no kids, not expected to last forever) because a) she knew her and had a good relationship with her b) being a good host, she thought DS would enjoy the occasion much more if his DP was with him. I would have thought the MiL would have more consideration for her own DS's happiness

Valanice1989 · 04/01/2019 15:03

Never heard of the no ring thing either,but surely op your friend would be classed as a fiancé!

OP says she doesn't think her friend has any intention to marry, so she's not a fiancée.

Nonetheless, I think it's mean not to invite the mother of your grandchild, unless she's made snide comments about marriage being outdated and "just a piece of paper".

Pootlebug · 04/01/2019 15:14

Presumably if the son and daughter-in-law had decided to get married the month before the MIL would have been fine with her husband-to-be not being invited? I suspect not.

Lambzig · 04/01/2019 15:15

For me, offering guests a plus one is just good manners. Many people would find attending a wedding on their own socially awkward or perhaps unenjoyable and bringing a (horror of horrors) recent girlfriend or partner might mean they enjoy it more. I think as a host, there is a duty to make your guests as welcome as possible and all this talk of “cut offs” involving partners appears, at best, ungenerous.

Maldives2006 · 04/01/2019 15:19

Well the mother in law has a slightly hypocritical view then because this is obviously a second marriage.

merrymouse · 04/01/2019 16:42

I think as a host, there is a duty to make your guests as welcome as possible and all this talk of “cut offs” involving partners appears, at best, ungenerous.

It's a bit weird isn't it.

Either you want somebody to be able to bring a partner or you don't. Marriage isn't a guarantee of anything.

(Although on this occasion the oddest thing is that the grandchild's mother isn't being invited in her own right).

whitecloud · 04/01/2019 20:19

I agree - it is a horrible thing to do. HollowTalk is right. I'd like to bet if this relationship stays the course the op will be expected to help care for the m-in-law and the op will very conveniently be part of the family then. She might not be too keen to get involved because she's been treated so badly, which will come as no surprise to anyone except the m-in-law.

UniversalAunt · 05/01/2019 00:10

but in the real world titles like husband, wife and spouse Carry meaning and legal power.

In a court of law, yes.
As doing civil partnerships etc
Formalised relationships have rights & responsibilities determined by acts of parliament & are in the terms of many financial contracts (e.g. private pension schemes).

That said, this is a social event.
If the marital status is to be key to an event invitation, then by (absurd) extension, the birth & fidelity status could also be taken into account.

So we could invite Mr & Mrs So&So but not his parents as they did not marry. Oh hang on, that makes him a bastard, so she can come but not him...

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