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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend gave me tat Xmas present...AIBU?

119 replies

KikiB89 · 01/01/2019 23:34

After my boyfriend failed to give me anything for my birthday earlier this year (not even a card!) he stepped up this Christmas and gave me a bracelet amongst some other wee things.

When I first glanced at the bracelet I thought it was an odd choice to put silver charms on a bronze chain but ok. When I looked at it later I saw that the chain was badly tarnished and some of the diamantes from one of the charms were missing! I googled the brand and can only find their wholesale website and a few items on amazon but not this particular piece. However he doesn’t do online shopping (usually gets me to order on his behalf) so I’m beginning to question where on earth he even acquired it!

AIBU to mention it to him? I asked him for an inexpensive pair of earrings from pandora (we live close to one) and at first I was happy that he took initiative but now I really just wish he had got me what I asked for. We had a pretty big falling out over the birthday thing so I am hesitant to go down a similar road again.

OP posts:
Hissy · 03/01/2019 18:34

He’s usually a great partner?

You have been with him for 18months! There is no usually here, he failed on the birthday and has done so again

You think he’s stingy now? Wait until you get knocked up by him, rely on him to support you for a while and THEN you’ll see how stingy he really is.

End it. He’s resentful of you even in these early days

GimmeBread · 03/01/2019 18:35

God I hope not Jenosaurus - she’ll be getting one every birthday and Xmas for the next 3 years 😀

Postino · 03/01/2019 18:41

No birthday card? Sad

It's not the money is it, it's the lack of effort

BackforGood · 03/01/2019 18:49

Another who would mention to him that it is broken and ask him where he got it so you can take it back.
Complete overreaction from all those saying to leave him. If you've been going out for 18months I'm going to presume he is a pretty nice bloke and you are pretty compatible. Talk to him about your different wants / expectations about presents.
I, for example wouldn't consider over £30 for a pair of ear rings to be 'cheap' and I certainly wouldn't ask a boyfriend for anything that expensive. Shock
If you like him, and are generally compatible, then sort out this one small issue . If you can't talk to each other about a difference in values on such a small issue, how are you going to cope long term ?

anonymouse86 · 03/01/2019 18:50

Maybe he's had enough of you and he's hoping you'll dump him cos he got you a naff present and he's not got the balls to dump you

Liketoshop · 03/01/2019 18:50

Sounds like he's not bothered what you think, I'd be hurt and would not continue being with him as he's tight, uncaring, mocking and not investing anything in you. Its not about the money but that's he just couldn't care less!! Are you not worth more?

notapizzaeater · 03/01/2019 18:52

Does he try with anything else ? Is he normally so thoughtless ?

frazzledasarock · 03/01/2019 19:00

If he’s on a budget he should have suggested they set a spend limit. He was happy to accept OP’s £100 gift.

Dita73 · 03/01/2019 19:03

The fact that he’s even got you something bronze or something with diamanté’s on it should tell you to get of him immediately!

Cattus · 03/01/2019 19:05

Stinginess is bad, I can’t see anything redeeming about it. It indicates meanness of spirit and/or an anxious need to keep control.
Is he helpful to you and kind in other ways?

HippyMama90 · 03/01/2019 19:28

I think it's a bit extreme to say 'dump him', is he a good boyfriend? Do you want to be with him?.

I'd tell him the gems had fallen out does he still have the receipt to go exchange it.

Could he be having financial difficulties he doesn't want to worry you with?.

OffToBedhampton · 03/01/2019 19:36

I agree with PPs. Tell him it's damaged so can he give you receipt so you can get it replaced, as you can't wear it. He ought be mortified and want to get it replaced asap. if he mother's about having lost receipt, remind him that shop can't sell something not for for purpose so you'll have to go to local trading standards about the poor quality from the shop.

OffToBedhampton · 03/01/2019 19:37

*mithers

notquitethesame · 03/01/2019 19:46

Does he buy nice things for himself, or just whatever is cheapest? If he buys nice stuff for himself and he's not got financial problems then I would take it as a clue about how much thought he gives to you.

I once had a bf who I was with for over a year. He bought himself lots of expensive gadgets etc and had plenty of cash but for Xmas (when we'd been together about 6 months) got me a hairbrush. Nothing special- just a cheap plastic thing which I suspect came from the corner shop. I tried to pursuade myself that the idea behind it was for me to have a hairbrush at his place (he did not say this, but it was the only way I could see that it was a thoughtful present). For his birthday he requested some quite expensive computer games. On my birthday about 6 months later he have me a rather battered and very adly dated ring (not 'vintage' more old argos). Again, I tried to persuade myself that there was some thought behind this in his eyes so didn't question it. However, a friend did and he said it was an antique that he had seen in a small shop overseas months before and he immediately thought how good it would look on me. Unfortunately his mother let it slip that it was actually something he had bought for an ex-girlfriend years before! I wish I'd seen that the thoughtless gifts were a sign of how much he valued me.

Cheerbear23 · 03/01/2019 19:52

stingyness is very unattractive, please ask him for the receipt as it’s damaged and guage his reaction.

Frazzledmum123 · 03/01/2019 19:55

So sad how materialistic people are being on here, you have no idea how much thought he put into it unless you ask. My dh has a reputation for being tight and we no longer buy for each other but this absolutely had no reflection on how he was when we had kids. 3 children, all 3 times I had a year off whilst he supported us not complaining at all and each time I went back to work I dropped hours despite the fact he would have loved to be at home more. He's an amazing selfless man who does more than his fair share around the house and supports me and doesn't try and limit my spending on the kids, joint finances etc but he's tight, so so tight that he'd take the free tea from hotels we stay at for later. So glad I didn't 'dump him' early on because he didn't buy me expensive gifts!

PaintingOwls · 03/01/2019 20:05

He has a reputation in our friend group for being stingy to be honest.

LTB

BackforGood · 03/01/2019 20:07

If he’s on a budget he should have suggested they set a spend limit. He was happy to accept OP’s £100 gift.

Maybe he isn't on MN, and hadn't realised that spending over £100 on a Christmas present was even a thing. I only found out when I started reading MN threads. It might never have occurred to him that people do things very differently.

Catsinthecupboard · 03/01/2019 20:15

It is not about money; it is about thoughtfulness. He was not thoughtful.

My dh and i have been through hard times and times with extra money. Birthdays and Christmas are times to think about your partner and show them that you understand them and give them something that matches their interests.

A homemade card or gift is just as acceptable as an expensive gift as long as it's thoughtful.

OP was given nothing and junk.

Re: those who agree on giving nothing....OP isn't doing that. She wants a gift.

I love gifts. I wasn't given them as a child and they are important to me. I am a good gift giver as well. It's a matter of compatibility and she's not with someone who is compatible with her expectations.

proudbrows · 03/01/2019 20:23

Thoughtful gifts don’t have to be expensive do they. I think that if someone values you they will put time and effort into something that will make you smile. My ex-boyfriend once wrote all the things he loved about me on separate little pieces of paper and put them in a little box for me. It probably cost about a quid but for me, it was priceless!!!

UnicornSlaughters · 03/01/2019 20:25

Bunch of barefaced grabbers on here tonight. Dump him over a crap present? Behave!

subspace · 03/01/2019 20:28

I'd have an honest conversation with him (or several). Does he have money problems? What does he expect to pay and be spent on gifts for/from his partner?

HelenUrth · 03/01/2019 20:29

"my boyfriend failed to give me anything for my birthday earlier this year (not even a card!) "
"We had a pretty big falling out over the birthday thing so I am hesitant to go down a similar road again."

He has you well trained. For ever more he can give you any old shit and know you are afraid of bringing it up in case of "hurting his feelings".

Go and find someone who treasures you and wants to give you things you'll enjoy.

adaline · 03/01/2019 20:31

Bunch of barefaced grabbers on here tonight. Dump him over a crap present? Behave!

It's not the cost, it's the total lack of thought and consideration that's gone into it! Decent gifts don't have to cost a lot - you can get perfectly acceptable, pretty jewellery for less than £30 or so, you don't need to buy junk!

lilypoppet · 03/01/2019 20:32

Probably was from ebay. He tried.